Live and Learn
by TwoStepsBehind
Summary: Rewrite of Fools Like me. She's been running away from things all her life. So what will Alex do when she finally runs into someone who she doesn't want to leave behind? Slightly AU. SBOC, JPLE.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer:**Anything that you might recognize is not owned by me. Harry Potter and all the characters (except for Alex) are owned by J.K. Rowling. Charmed is owned by The WB network. The song is owned by Switchfoot.

**Everything inside looks like everything I hate**  
** You are the hope I have for change**  
** You are the only chance I'll take**

You know, if asked to describe myself, I'd call myself normal, a little weird. Also really sarcastic, bitter, cynical and angry, with a twisted sense of humour. Often I caught myself wondering why I am the way I am. Why do I pretend to be really strong, that I don't need anyone or anything to make me feel good about myself? Is it just me, or do we all build metaphorical walls and hide behind them just so no one can hurt us? Don't we all just have very few friends, the less people you know and trust the better; that way you have less people likely to abandon you when they get tired of you. Don't we all not care about what people think about us cause, hey, who gives a damn about what the others think about me, I only care what the people I care about think about me. Don't we all pretend that we don't believe in the love crap and fairytales are for idiots?

Well, I for a fact know that not all people think like me, I guess I don't anymore either. But for the longest time I was angry. And in pain.

So what helped me change?

Seven years at Hogwarts and the people around me.

You see to understand how things are different now, you have to understand how things were back then for me, and why they were the way they were y'know. And when I say Hogwarts changed me, I don't mean just the magic part helped. 'Cause you see, I've been surrounded by magic ever since I was born, but just the atmosphere, the people, that's what helped the most.

Magic- as a child I was always taught that magic was in the blood, that it was passed through generations, there could be times where it skipped a generation or two, but magic always stayed in the family. If someone didn't have magical ancestors, then they could never have magic in them. You see, my family was a very powerful family when it came to magic, now it's only my grandmother, her sister and me, but once there was a time when people traveled from all over to ask us for help, magical help. I was also taught that while magic made us different from others, it didn't make us better than them, it simply gave us an opportunity to help others, the ones who couldn't help themselves, the ones that needed help; I was taught that our powers weren't for ourselves, but for others. I've lost count of the number of spells that backfired on me when I used them for personal gain.

There were many times I wondered that if we saved the world, then who would save us?

Anyway, us Wiccas went to normal schools and high schools and colleges and worked. We didn't have special magical occupations as such. Infact we had to work in absolute secrecy. We didn't wear black robes or pointed hats and we certainly did not wave around wands and cackle while mixing something vile in a huge black pot that hung over a fire. And we most definitely did not have a black raven cawing in the background.

As a child I hated the stereotypes that people associated witches with, we weren't some evil, ugly spinsters who didn't have anything better to do than wreck havoc in other people's lives.

You see, my grandmother and her sisters were really powerful witches, the Charmed Ones. Yeah I bet you've heard of them, so I'm not going to go into the details of their power and stuff. People believe that my grandmothers had happy endings. That after seven years of non stop fighting evil, things finally worked out for them. Everyone thought that they all settled down and had kids of their own, but that's not what really happened. My grand-aunt Paige died while saving one of her charges, Luke. After her death her husband moved to New Jersey to be closer to his family along with the twins and Henry Jr. I still see them occasionally on Christmas (if I'm not spending it at Hogwarts) or over the summer. They aren't much into magic though.

My other grand-aunt Phoebe's husband, Cooper too was killed in a surprise demon attack on the manor. Heart-broken, Grandma Phoebe never married again. They never had any kids.

My grandmother, Grams, their sister, Piper, well she had a roller coaster ride too. My uncle, Wyatt, was so sick of magic and the 'bad luck' that it had bought our family, left home at the age of eighteen and no one ever saw him again. He didn't want Grams keeping an eye on him through magic either. My aunt, Melinda, lives in a gorgeous apartment in the city. She went to fashion school in New York and is a brilliant designer. I'm pretty close to her. She gets lots of designer clothes for free which she passes on to me. Hence my extensive and ridiculously beautiful wardrobe. She helps Grams and Aunt Phoebe keep the demons in line while I'm away.

My dad, Chris, fell in love with a beautiful, British woman when he was studying abroad and soon she got pregnant with me. They then got married and I was born. (Yes, it happened in that order) But like always, things didn't work out like everyone hoped they would. After my dad died when I turned five, my mother was too heartbroken to raise a child all by herself. She said that I reminded her too much of him. So she left. Just like that.

That's when I moved to San Francisco and I have lived with Grams and Grandma Phoebe in the manor ever since.

So, back to what I was originally saying, about magic, and the horrible stereotypes; I hated them and I hated Halloween where people paraded the streets dressed as evil witches and monstrous werewolves and blood-thirsty vampires. People didn't know the truth about werewolves or vampires or witches or anything magical so they distorted my world into something convenient for them.

Seeing how magic had not done anything remotely good for my family, I never had faith in it, much like my Uncle Wyatt. Still I never thought of running away, I loved whatever was left of my family too much for that. But I never used my magic much, and being a charmed descendant I have a lot of it. I'm a whitelighter on my dad's side. I also have telekinesis and faint telepathy, my Aunt Prue's powers, and my Aunt Phoebe's power of empathy. I can do the normal chanting spells crap, but I was never the one for rhyming, so someone had to write the spells for me.

Every time I saw someone dressed as an 'evil witch', in the damn black robes and warty noses, I wanted to inflict some serious pain. Damnit, not all witches were evil just as not everyone is a Ted Bundy or Jack the Ripper.

From an early age I was angry and bitter. Here I was a young part Wicca part white-lighter part mortal, living among normal people, but not really one of them.

Things got even more complicated the year I turned eleven when I got a letter that seemed to be written on really old and thick paper (or parchment as I now know it's called) with a really cool emblem that said Hogwarts and had a lion, a serpent, a badger and an eagle. Also there was a saying in Latin, Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandos. I remember laughing when I read that; never tickle a sleeping dragon. The letter itself seemed very weird then and I had looked to my grams for some kind of explanation, I remember her having this really serene, knowing expression on her face.

Later that day, this really weird looking man, with a really long silvery beard and even longer hair, in this plum coloured suit that smelled of mothballs came calling. Looking at him, I couldn't help but feel suspicious, but one look into his twinkling blue eyes, I relaxed. I could trust him. His name, it turns out, was Albus Dumbledore, and he explained to me about Hogwarts. That's when it hit me- it was real, the stupid black robes and pointed hats and boiling cauldrons and swishing wands were all fucking real. But these people were good witches too. I was going to be one of the cauldron using, wand swishing, black robes wearing witches. Damn, I hated magic.

It would also mean I wouldn't get to go to school with Lily in England. Lily Evans and I had been friends ever since I can remember. My dad's wife was British and after they got married by dad moved to London to be with her. She had gone to Hogwarts herself, which is why I had those abilities as well. After his death and my subsequent abandonment, I moved to San Francisco and I had to leave my best friend behind. We kept in touch and always met during the holidays. I hadn't told Lily much about my family, but whatever she knew she had accepted it without any question and I will always be grateful to her for that.

But going to Hogwarts would mean making new friends, which meant I would have to open up to them, trust them, more importantly tell them about me and hope to God they would accept me. I'm not hesitant to tell people about me just because of what I am, also because of who I am. You see, the Halliwells, they are sort of like magical royalty of sorts. Not that it make us a cent richer, only a lot more famous. I was hesitant to leave grams and Aunt Phoebe too. I wasn't much of an adjusting person.

Alexandria Rose Perry Halliwell. Quite a mouthful and so damn long to write. But that's how I signed my Hogwarts forms, thinking life couldn't get any worse.

I remember calling Lily to tell her how I wasn't going to go to school with her and her telling me in an uncomfortable voice that she, too, was going to go to another school. Understanding that she didn't want to talk about it, and at that moment I didn't either, I had simply hung up. I didn't feel any anger towards Lily for not going to 'our' school or that she hadn't told me about it sooner. Sometimes you keep the thing that you're dreading to most to do for the last moment, hoping that maybe you won't have to do it after all.

And so I went to London with Aunt Phoebe and Grams. On platform 10 3/4th, that took a little while to find, I remember this weird nervous feeling that settled at the bottom of my stomach. All those kids, people, trunks, the owls, the noise, the excitement, it had been so overwhelming. Looking at the magnificent and scarlet Hogwarts Express, I couldn't quell the excitement that took over me too. I had turned to grams Grandma Phoebe and Aunt Mel and very unlike me, enveloped them all into one huge smothering hug. "I'm going to miss you so much," I had whispered.

Unlike other people, I didn't have to drag along a heavy trunk, mine had been shrunk thanks to Gram's spell and I had the counter spell in my pocket, that I would have to chant before getting off the train so that it would be brought to the school later along with everyone else's.

Anyway, there I had been walking through the corridors, looking for an empty compartment, when I walked past a couple of guys, four of them actually, they were really noisy and loud, but they'd had that companionship amongst them that achingly reminded me of Lily and me.

And then suddenly, out of nowhere, I'd heard a shriek, "Lexie?" And then bam! I was flat on the floor on my back, my skull throbbing where I'd bumped in on the ground, a lot of red clouding my vision and a very loud voice yelling in my ear, "Oh my god! Lexie, what in the world are you doing here!"

Even though I was being crushed to death (it's not that Lily is fat or something, it's just that I'm really tiny. Sometimes the best of us are beaten by something as stupid as genes. I inherited Grams silky hair, although her's is brown, my is midnight black. I inherited Aunt Phoebe's petite frame and her love for exercise and martial arts. But I also inherited our family's pitiful height when it comes to women. At age eleven, I was only four feet eight inches, all short and skinny. I still managed to roll my eyes as I awkwardly patted her on her back, "Oxygen Lils or I might just die." Since I was so winded, it hadn't come out quite the way I planned it to and she took it as a grunt of approval, continuing to hug the life out of me.

"Ahem." I heard somebody clear his throat.

"Erm, you girls need some help?" Another voice asked.

This time I successfully managed to shove Lily off me and stand up. Throwing a smile her way, I looked at the person who had asked if we needed any help. It was one of those boys, and I could tell he meant well, his warm but tired amber eyes said it all. The boy was a little too tall for his age; a little too thin but not third-world-country-looking like I was; his face had premature lines and several scars.

Biting back a retort, I forced myself to be nice, "Nah, its okay. Thanks anyway." I even smiled, hah Aunt Phoebe, I can be nice!

He grinned widely and thrust his hand forward, "American, eh. I'm Remus Lupin."

I shook his hand, "Yup, I'm Alex Perry."

"Lily Evans. British, Long live the Queen."

He had a nice laugh, a genuine one where he threw his head back and the sides of his eyes crinkled, it was a hearty laugh. "Nice to meet you too, but I must get back to my friends." With that he walked towards his friends, who had disappeared into a compartment.

Later that journey, Lily and I had found ourselves an empty compartment and talked. She'd explained how she'd got the letter, but didn't want to tell me anything yet since she knew of my hatred towards black robes and wands and such. She was scared that I'd hate her and never speak to her for going to a place that endorsed the things that I so hated. I had laughed and thrown my arms around her, only Lily could think something like that. I loved Lily like a sister. She was always so thoughtful of others feelings, so concerned about me and tried every possible way she knew to make me feel comfortable with myself and around others. As she talked animatedly about her trip to Diagon Alley, I tuned myself out; just looking at her, listening to her pleasant voice, man I felt so at ease around her. Lily was a very pretty girl; the kind you knew would grow up to become beautiful. She had long, dark red hair, silky and slightly wavy; vivid green eyes, not the murky green that most people have, but the real, emerald green ones; pale complexion dotted with freckles. She was taller than me, five-two already; the bitch. She was sure going to break hearts when she grew up, if not now.

Anyway, we continued talking and I told her about my trip to Diagon Alley and how it had nearly driven me insane, how Aunt Phoebe actually had to drag me into Madame Malkin's to get robes for school and how I'd been very rude to Ollivander when he's asked me to try out several wands.

Together we'd laughed as we tried out the all the sweets that the lady with the food trolley had; Lily was a little scared of the chocolate frogs at first, and I had loved the Bertie Bott's jelly beans till I had the vomit flavoured one, after that I was a little wary of them. Least to say that my first trip to Hogwarts was memorable, and I knew my years there would be too. I knew that there would be several other obstacles concerning my roots and magic, my thoughts and my feelings, but with my best friend right there next to me, I remember thinking, 'Bring it on.'


	2. Ache in my Body, Regret on my Mind

**Disclaimer:** The song is owned by The Cardigans

**I came home in the morning**  
**And everything was gone**  
**Oh what have I done**

Something in my mind shifted as confusion spread through my body. I was warm and comfortable one minute, floating among clouds, exhilarated. So how did the music figure into the picture?

**I dropped dead in the hallway**  
**Cursing the dawn**

As the fog in my head cleared, awareness dawned. The clouds dissipated and I realized I was lying in my bed, not floating away, dreaming. I didn't open my eyes, just enjoyed the remnants of my dream, the laziness in my bones, relishing that moment between waking and sleeping where everything, anything seems real.

**Oh come on sun**  
**Why must I burn**

And then the sun hit my face as the curtains around my bed were wrenched open.

"Rise and shine." An annoyingly chirpy voice called.

Still refusing to open my eyes, I forced the synapses to fire. "Must you sound so goddamn happy?"

"Gee Alex. You sure know how to start the day." The voice sounded farther than it had a moment ago. Smart, had she been standing anywhere near firing range, I would have hit her with my pillow. Hard. But that would require movement, coordinating limbs, too much effort.

With great difficulty I pried my lids open, "Not everyone appreciates being woken by The Cardigans."

"I thought you'd appreciate a warm breakfast even more. Something you'll miss if you don't drag that arse of bed right this instant." Smart ass.

I grinned as I pulled the blanket off of me. The crisp morning air hit my bare legs and arms, thankfully my feet were protected by socks. It took me another couple of seconds to find to will to sit up and swing my feet to stand up. Damn, did I hate waking up in the morning or what?

I rubbed my eyes, as if it would drive the sleep away. I snorted, like that ever worked.

"Morning." The annoyingly chirpy voice sounded just nice now that I was a little more awake than I had been a couple of minutes ago. Despite the fact that I was standing, I looked up to flash a half smile at my abnormally tall best friend.

"'Lo, Lils." The sunlight shinning from the window behind her seem to light her hair up, making it look like sleek, deep red silk. Lily Evans, best friend extraordinaire. Tall at five feet ten, she was one of the lucky red heads, she didn't seem to have any freckles dotting her pale complexion. Her hair, a dark, indisputable red, was straight that went perfectly with her emerald green eyes. Even in our stupid school uniform, consisting of a navy pleated skirt, a white shirt with a red and gold tie and black robes, she was stunning. Currently her hair was pulling back in a no-nonsense ponytail, just a touch of gloss on her lips. I felt crummy in my night shirt and tangled hair.

"You'll have to wait a few minutes. Mandy's taking a little more time than usual in the bathroom." Lily told me as she stuffed, no, methodically arranged her books in her bag.

I rolled my eyes, "Crying, no doubt."

"Merlin, Alex." Another voice chided gently. "If you're going to be rude, at least be discreet about it."

I fought the urge to roll my eyes again. "I'm just stating a fact. It's been weeks since Black dumped her."

"It's been week." Alice Jenkins, my other room-mate corrected me. "Give the poor girl a break."

I thought about telling Alice how I thought anyone who was foolish enough to date Black deserved what she got, but then I remembered the talk Lily had given me regarding civil behaviour and taking other people's feelings into account. Ironic, considering I was an empath.

I was saved from replying as the door to the bathroom opened and out came my fourth and final room-mate, Mandy. So I opted for muttering under my breath about damn Monday mornings and stupid alarms as I crossed the room to enter the bathroom, slamming the door behind me.

Fifteen minutes later, I was out of the bathroom; my hair soaking wet, and my wet towel clinging to me. Still grumbling, I made my way to my trunk, pulled out my underwear and the school uniform. Still muttering, I went back into the bathroom to change. Back out, I toweled my hair dry, I applied some kohl around my eyes, some orange flavoured lip-balm and shoved my feet into a very old pair of battered converses. As I brushed the tangles from my hair, I covertly observed my reflection in the mirror.

I saw the same old me with a straight, relatively small nose and high cheek bones; straight slightly tousled black hair, that reached the top of my shoulder blades and my bangs long enough to cover my somewhat large forehead but short enough to fall into my eyes. My eyes were a really vibrant, electric blue. According to most people, my eyes are my most striking feature and sometimes, I can't help but agree, other times I just see normal blue eyes. Sadly, in the past five years I had grown only seven inches, bringing my height to the grand figure of five feet and three inches. Damn the Halliwell genes. I liked the fact that I was thin bordering skinny. (It doesn't mean I judge fat people or anything and I don't starve myself to remain the way I am, I've simply never liked extra fat.) Running round the Great Lake five times every evening can keep anyone that way, trust me I know, even if you eat your body weight at every meal. Caught up in my thoughts, I didn't realize that my hair was as smooth as it could get.

Shrugging, I put on my black robe, "Okay Lils, let's go, I'm done."

Lily was watching me from her bed with amusement. "I thought you were never going to stop admiring yourself for a minute there Alex."

I rolled my eyes, "I just got carried away there for a minute. Let's go, I'm starving."

Pointedly ignoring her "When aren't you?" we made our way to the Great Hall for breakfast.

"I hate Monday mornings." I grumbled.

"You hate mornings period." Lily's voice sounded a tad bit amused. "And Alex, please refrain from declaring your feelings regarding Mandy and Sirius. It's wrong and insensitive of you." She admonished.

"She's been moping for a while now, I wish she would just get over it. Her misery hangs about the dorm like fog over London. Besides, what was she thinking dating that Black anyway?"

"Well tell me one girl who doesn't think she can tame the 'Sirius Black'? Who doesn't think she can get him to fall in love with her; who can resist those smoldering eyes and that black hair, the gothic features and tall strong build?" I knew she was teasing, you could hear it in her voice.

I grinned. "Well I would have said both you and me, but now I think it's only me. Are you under his spell too?"

I narrowed my eyes. "What happened to good old Jamsie Poo?"

Lily, after almost three years of claiming that she hated James Potter with the every fiber of her being, suddenly accepted his suggestion of a picnic on Hogwarts grounds, shocking the hell out of everybody. James was just asking, like he did everyday, it was something that came naturally to him after almost three years of practice, never caring that her answer was always a firm no. He didn't think that this time was any different, and it had taken him a full minute for him to realize what had really happened before his face broke out into a genuine smile. Running his fingers through his hair, a habit that Lily claimed that she hated (my best friend claims many thing, most of them are nothing but lies) but secretly loved (I know things) he had told her he'd confirm the details later, since he was late for class. Finally I was free from the I-hate-James-Potter rants and my best friend was truly happy with a great guy, something that I'd always known James was, but Lily had to realize that on her own. I had always known he had cared for her; empathy and the looks that he gave her when she wasn't looking were proof enough.

Pushing open the doors to the hall, she said, "Oh come on, Lexie, just because I have a boyfriend it doesn't mean I can't admire natural beauty." She wiggled her eye brows at me, "He's hot and you have to admit it."

"How many fucking times do I have to tell you not the call me Lexie, especially not in the mornings. God Lily, I hate that name, makes me sound like a bunny or something." I'm not a potty mouth. I swear, mornings, lack of coffee and being called Lexie does that to me.

Lily and I walked sat down at our usual place at the Gryffindor table. Lily took a seat opposite me.

Just like that, with the food in front of me, I forgot all about our conversation.

Happily, I served myself five strips of bacon, scrambled eggs, four sausages, buttered two toasts and poured me a cup of heaven sent black coffee.

"Merlin, feeding a small country are we, Alex?" A deep, teasing voice asked as James Potter took a seat next to Lily; giving his girlfriend of almost two months a side hug and a kiss on the fore head. Okay, seriously, I might be all cynical and bitchy but I couldn't help but grin when I saw those two. It was a sight for sore eyes. But that didn't mean I was going to answer him.

"Piss off, Potter." It was the best I could do at the time.

"Love you too, Lexie."

I opened my mouth to tell him off when a soft voice beat me to it, "Leave her alone James. It's too early in the morning for you two to argue." Bless him. I smiled at Remus, as he took a seat on my right, "Morning, Remmy." Unlike me, Remus didn't have a problem being called something so ridiculous.

Returning my smile and my greeting he started off on his own breakfast. We all ate silently; the clicking of the cutlery accentuating our silence, but it was anything but awkward. Ever since the first week, when Lily and James had become a couple, we had our meals together. The companionship that I had felt between those four boys on my first train ride was what we now shared, so how could things get awkward? So James and I argued and I was something of an antisocial bitch, we were all friends.

Something brushed my left elbow, thinking it was my owl, Benjamin; I turned with the last bit of my toast as a treat. My smile slid of my face as fast as butter would melt on heated corn and I bit back a groan. Tilting my head up, it only confirmed my suspicions. _Black. _

Ignoring him, I went back to my breakfast, but his elbow kept brushing mine. He was right handed and I was left… couldn't he scoot over a little? Taking a deep, calming breath I put down my fork and knife as I was done with my breakfast and reached into my skirt pocket to pull out a small Ziploc bag of Bertie Bott's jelly beans. I'm a sugar junkie. Infact I'm more of a candy addict. And I loved Bertie's jellybeans. I would buy huge family size packs and sit and sift through to separate my favourite flavours from the ones I didn't like and the abnormal ones. Yup I knew the beans well enough to identify every flavour.

"Merlin, Alex. It's eight in the morning. How can you eat candy so early in the morning?" James asked in a part awed part exasperated voice.

I grinned as cherry flavour exploded in my mouth. "I love candy James." I said in a satisfied voice.

"I still can't believe you know can identify every flavour just by glance." Remus chuckled.

"She'd better. She lives on these things." Lily added.

I would have said something but that damn boy's elbow bumped into mine for the umpteenth time, which made me drop a couple of green apple beans. Argh!

I have nothing against Black personally, I really don't. I don't even know the guy. Despite having sat with him for most of the meals ever since school started and the fact that his best friend was dating my best friend, that I was close to his other best friend Black and I had never exchanged glances, let alone words. To be honest I was sort of uncomfortable around him for several known and unknown reasons. He was the quiet, brooding type and not being much of a conversationalist myself, I never knew what to say to him. Besides, his somewhere serial dating habits didn't sit well with me and after he dumped Mandy, just like that, I had lost whatever respect I had for him. Sirius Black could rot in hell, for all I cared, and how James and Remus could stand to be his friends I didn't wish to understand.

Another problem that I had with him was whenever we sat for meals, invariably, his flavour of the week was draped around his shoulder. All the cooing and wooing would grate on my nerves.

Back to the present, I ignored the spilled beans and turned to face him, "You mind?" In this really polite voice that everyone knows is meant to be anything but polite.

"Not really." He retorted without even looking at me, as he continued to eat his breakfast, his elbow jamming into me again! Bastard.

"Well good then, scoot over." I snapped, losing whatever grip I had on my temper and tongue. "I don't know about you, but I don't enjoy the fact that your elbow keeps bumping into mine every five seconds." I said nastily. "Jerk." I muttered under my breath, but I'm pretty sure he heard me.

He set down his knife and fork and dabbed his mouth with the napkin that was in his lap in this exaggerated motion and turned slowly to face me.

"Are you always such a bitch or is today my lucky day?" He asked in this casual voice as he cocked his head to one side and before I could say anything he continued, "Well I've had breakfast with you for the past couple of weeks so that answer's the first question. So, tell me, what kind of permanent PMS do you go through that makes you snap at everything that breathes all the time?"

"You goddamn bastard." I glared at him. How dare he talk to me like that? All I wanted was for him to move his damned elbow, something he should have done without me having to tell him.

Black didn't bother to retaliate, he just glared back at me. Okay not so much as glared as there wasn't a definite expression on his face, but his eyes. Merlin, his eyes, they were burning.

They were piercing, angry grey eyes. Jesus, I was staring at him and he right back. My thoughts started to stray, there's not much you can do when you're too busy trying not to blink. His eyes were gorgeous, an undeniable grey. Whoever said that grey eyes are eyes that have no colour was a complete and utter fool. Here I was staring into eyes the colour of the stormy sea, dotted with flecks of black. They were hooded, hidden, yet so entrancing.

"Sirius, honey, last night was fun." Drawled a silky voice that broke the spell. I blinked and looked away, angry and slightly embarrassed.

I felt his body go tense, "Angelica, what are you doing here?" He had a deep, velvety voice. Why hadn't I noticed that before?

Tuning out the annoying blonde's voice, I looked at Remus, "Where's Peter?" Not that I cared, I was just looking for a distraction so I could calm down.

"He's in the infirmary, spending the day there, maybe even two, depending on Madam Pomfrey." Good, I never liked the fourth of the Maurauders. (Yes, they had named themselves, the prats) He didn't even fit in with the rest of them. He was short, ugly and fat as opposed to their tall, attractive athletic builds. He was so stupid and they all so smart, so intelligent. He also made me very uneasy. His watery eyes were always darting about. Too often I had caught him staring at Lily or me, something that made me incredibly uncomfortable, and that's something that I didn't easily feel. All in all I thought Peter to be scum and I don't know why the others kept him around.

"Alex are you listening to me?" Shaking myself out of my thoughts, I answered, "Yeah Remus, I can hear you just fine."

"That's not what I asked; I asked if you were listening to me."

"Yes. How did he manage to fall and knock himself out in the bathroom?" It's not like I cared, just had to prove a point.

"How do you do that?"

I grinned, distractedly "Magic." I couldn't help but think about what Black told me. Was I always this rude to everyone? Is that what everyone thought of me? Did I care about what others thought of me? Caring didn't achieve much other than pain and loneliness when the person left. Hadn't it been true in my dad's case, in my mom's, in Mandy and Sirius'? But despite everything, here I was, sharing a meal with someone other than Lily. Over the years, I had come to value Remus, first as a tutor and now as a friend? James and I fought almost like… siblings. Despite everything I valued Alice and Mandy's company. The moment I ran into these people on the Hogwarts Express ever first of September, waves of excitement and happiness coursed through my body. Jesus, what the hell was I doing?

Caught up in my thoughts, my defenses lowered. All the conversations all around me, the feelings and emotions, suddenly hit me like a huge wave that wouldn't subside. The euphoria and the sadness, the love, the hate, the pain, the expectancy and the doubt mixed with my own doubt and uncertainty was just too much. I can usually block most of the emotions, especially those of people who weren't physically close to me, and their thoughts; to a point where they kind of become like a gentle wave constantly tapping away at a part of my brain, something that I'm used too. But there were certain moments when my control would slip, maybe 'cause I couldn't be strong all the time (literally) or when I was going through severe emotional or physical strain. Right now I could hear some girl wonder if her lipstick matched the uniform, I could her Remus thinking if the teacher would ask him a specific question about the book cause he'd just glanced through a couple of pages and hearing Angelica think about the night she spent with Sirius just made me want to heave. Knowing I just had a few seconds before I truly lost control, I got up and turned to Lily. She rose with me, despite the fact that she was confused and worried, she got up too but I gestured her to stop, knowing that she didn't really want to leave, "Stay." Waving my hands around me a vague motion, "I'm going to go." As if to prove my point the maple syrup bowl started to shake. Not caring what the others thought I meant, knowing she understood me, I waved to the guys and hurried out the hall.

As soon as the doors shut behind me, the tidal wave started to subside. This was one of the reasons I liked being alone, not surrounded by lots of people. I didn't like crowds. Maybe it was because of my powers or that I had these powers because the Fates had known I wouldn't like crowds. Either way, I was fine with it. Solitude was seriously under-rated.

Making my way back to the common room, I gave the Fat Lady the password and made my way to the sixth year dorms. I splashed some cold water on my face and tied my hair back into a pony tail. Once I was out of the bathroom I grabbed the books I needed for morning school and the homework that I had just finished last night along with Lily's bag that already had her stuff in it and made my way to the first lecture of the day, Muggle Literature.

* * *

It was just one of those classes that Dumbledore had introduced in order to promote goodwill for muggle-borns. In addition to Literature, there was also Math. Since not many people had opted for Lit., sixth and seventh year Gryffindors took the class together.

As soon as I entered the class I noticed Lily sitting with James, their heads tilted towards each other, deep in conversation, enjoying the only class they had together. I couldn't help but smile as I saw them, the heaviness in my chest let up a little. Just for my own gratification, I focused on them, letting their love and contentment wash over me, willing myself to believe that their emotions were my own. I closed my eyes as their love washed over me in warm waves. I didn't realize that I was blocking the way until someone brushed past me roughly. Startled, I put up the mental block instinctively and looked around and just about snarled as I saw that it was Black who had brushed past me. I shook my head angrily and made my way towards Lily and James. I handed Lily her bag, smiling and nodding to let her know that everything was okay and sat on the second last bench in the left hand-corner of the room, near the windows. Unfortunately, Sirius was sitting on the bench behind me, but I chose to ignore him and that burning sensation I felt on the back of my neck. Slowly the rest of the class entered and chose their seats. Alice sat next to me and Remus took the seat next to Black. Just as all of the thirty sixth and seventh years had taken their seats and our teacher Ms. Snyder entered.

"Good morning class," Without waiting for our reply she took our attendance.

"I hope you have all finished reading Romeo and Juliet as I had asked you too."

I rolled my eyes; this was one of the most annoying books I had ever read.

"Ms. Perry why don't you tell us what you thought of the book."

Great, off all times to ask me a question, I thought as I bit back a groan. Why couldn't she ask me last week when we read Little Women? Or the week before that when we read Pride and Prejudice. I love Pride and Prejudice, just like every other girl in this world. Or the time we read A Christmas Carol. Or maybe some other book we would read in the future, hopefully Calvin and Hobbes was on the syllabus.

"Ms. Perry?" Clearing my head of the thoughts of the only six year old that I loved and his imaginary yet lovable talking tiger, I noticed that Ms. Snyder and the rest of the class looking at me expectantly. Lily had this smirk on her face; she knew how much I hated the book, bitch.

"Well Ms Perry, you have read the book, haven't you?"

Nodding my head slowly, I replied, "Yes, Ms Snyder, I did read the book."

"So would you be kind enough to share your views with the class."

No I won't. "Juliet was an idiot." Was the first thing out of my mouth. Word vomit, I hate it when that happens.

I saw Lily bite back a smile and heard Remus try to turn his chuckle into a cough. "Ms. Perry, would you be kind enough to stand up and explain exactly why you think that Juliet was an idiot?" Rolling my eyes, I slowly stood up. "Juliet was an idiot." I repeated, "What else would you call a person who falls for the one guy she knows she can't have and then blames fate for her own bad decision?" I plopped down into my seat. Remus didn't bother hiding the laugh this time.

"I don't agree with Lexie, Ms. Snyder."

Rolling my eyes, without even looking at the person who was saying it, I muttered to myself "It's Alex and you know that." I unconsciously clenched my fist under the table.

"Ms. Goldberg, why don't you tell me why you disagree with Ms. Perry."

Angelica Goldgberg. Tall, blonde and beautiful. Stereotypical bitch that every high school slash magical school has. She, typically, came from a pure blood family dating back to the Middle Ages, and unlike the blondes that high school movies seem to portray, is quite smart. She and Sirius have quite the history. And according to the bathroom gossip she and him continue to 'meet up' occassionally.

"Well I think that when fate comes into play choice sometimes goes out the window." At this point, she gave Sirius a pointed look, twirling a lock of golden hair around her finger. My breakfast was coming up and fast.

"Love like life is about making choices. And fate has nothing to do with it." I bit out.

"But they loved each other. Sometimes things just happen and there isn't a thing you can do about it when they do. I think it's romantic." She sighed, "They loved each other despite the fact that their families hated each other." Yes, the Goldbergs, like the Potters and Longbottoms, Weaselys and Prewetts are pro-muggles, and every idiot knows who the Blacks are. And no, Angelica doesn't know the meaning of subtlety.

I rolled my eyes, "Everyone thinks it's so romantic, Romeo and Juliet, true love, how sad…."

"I don't know why you are reading into this so much, Alex." Interjected Mandy as shook her head. "It's just a story, a love story, but a story nonetheless. So they weren't supposed to fall in love, but they did and that's

the point."

"They couldn't help it. Sometimes you can't help it." Angelica added. "Anyway Shakespeare just wrote what he felt like writing, it's not like it has a point to it anyway, so stop complaining."

I hate Angelica, I really do. And just how ignorant can people get? _Shakespeare had no point,_ my ass. Shakespeare always has a point.

"I don't want to make my opinion of the book known to the whole class. But Ms. Synder asked for my opinion so shut up and bear with it. You didn't have to interupt, cause if you hadn't I would have already finished."

And to Ms. Synder's soft yet firm warning in the form of a "Ms. Perry." I took a deep breath, trying to continue calmly, "Romeo and Juliet is sometimes considered to have no unifying theme, execpt that of young love. In fact, the characters in it have become emblems of all who die young for their lovers. That is the most obvious subject of the play." I looked at Ms. Synder, as if talking to her only. "But there is much more to it. Some much to read between the lines. There are so many hidden themes. For example- The play arguably equates love and sex with death." I was gesturing with my hands, looking around the class, making eye contact, trying to prove my point. "Throughout the story, both Romeo and Juliet, along with the other characters, fantasize about it as a dark being, often equating it with a lover. Capulet, for example, when he first discovers Juliet's (faked) death, describes it as having deflowered his daughter. Juliet later even compares Romeo to death in an erotic way. One of the strongest examples of this in the play is in Juliet's suicide, when she says, grabbing Romeo's dagger, 'O happy dagger! / ...This is thy sheath / there rust, and let me die.'" I quoted, "The dagger here can be a sort of phallus of Romeo, with Juliet being its sheath in death, a strong sexual symbol."

"No wonder you're still a virgin. Afraid of sex are you? Just like you're afraid of the darkness." Angelica taunted me under her breath. Everyone was meant to hear it, in an effort to embarrass me.

That's it. This girl had officially crossed the line. Clenching my fist, I stood up, hoping to give her a nasty black eye. But I felt a restraining hand on my shoulder. Turning around I met Remus' eyes, alert and warning. But I couldn't let her get away with that. Luckily Mrs. Snyder, who, in her effort to embarrass me in front of the entire class Angelica forgot about, beat me to it, "Detention for a week, Ms. Goldberg. While I do allow free discussions in my class room, I do not and will never condone such behaviour in my class. Meet me after class so that we can fix up the dates and make sure they don't clash with any extra-curicular activity." As long as the detentions weren't in the middle of the night, I was sure they wouldn't have any problems setting up dates.

Turning to me, she said, "Sit down Alex. Violence in not a solution." I rolled my eyes, muttering under my breath.

"Do you have anything more to say?" She asked me.

Nodding my head, I finally spat it out, "If Juliet was stupid enough to fall for the enemy, drink the bottle of poison, and go to sleep in a mausoleum, she deserved whatever she got." I was into the whole argument. Once again I directed my words to Ms. Snyder, looking her straight in the eye, "I'd take fate into my own hands." Looking pointedly at Mandy, who was sitting next to Angelica, then at Sirius and back at Mandy, looking her straight in the eye, I said, "I wouldn't let some guy drag me down."

Ms. Snyder smiled and shook her head, "You'd be lucky if you ever had that kind of passion with someone, Ms Perry. Cause if you did, you both would be together forever."

Not knowing what to say to that, I just nodded and looked out the window. Would I? Did I want to fall in love, after looking at what it had done to my family, to Romeo and Juliet? Eyes gleaming she addressed the entire class, "Seeing how opiniated you all are, I have an idea for a term paper. You will write a paper on Romeo and Juliet and how similar or different it is from your own life. I want you to write about what you learnt from the book, I want to know what you thought about it. You will have an entire year to write the paper, you will turn it in in the week after Valentine's day, so I want to to be long. It has to be least ten pages." Raising her voice over the collective groans and shouts of disapproval, she continued, "You all are old enough to date, many of you are in relationships right now. I want you to right about the relationship and how similar or how different it is from what Romeo and Juliet had. I want to you write about what you learnt this year, not in your class about some werewolf or weird plant but about love, about romance. I want you to write, children, what's on your mind, what's in your heart, what you think, what you feel. I want you to write out your souls, because that's what love is all about." To punctuate her words, the bell rang, but no one moved. "The paper carries forty percent of your grade." Being a muggle class, it was graded the muggle way. "Do well." She smiled.

"Dismissed."


	3. Everybody Hurts

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but Alex and the plot. All of the rest belongs to J. K. Rowling.

**"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."**

**-Jim Morrison.**

I spent the rest of the morning in double potions with Slytherins and DADA with Hufflepuff.

During potions Lily didn't really say anything about breakfast or Lit. class, for which I was grateful.

"So what was all that about?" Or maybe not.

"I don't know what you mean." Maybe if I really tried she would drop it.

"You know very well what I mean, Alex." Oh who was I kidding? This is Lily, who talks everything to death.

But I could be stubborn as well. "Lily, I really have no idea what you are talking about." I said in my best I'm-trying-to-be-patient voice.

She made an impatient noise at my obstinacy, "You were pretty rude to Ms. Snyder, you would have physically hurt Angelica if Remus hadn't stopped you and you weren't even subtle when you told Mandy to forget about Sirius."

"Well one: it's a literature class and she asked me what I felt and that's exactly what I did. I didn't mean to offend her or anything. Honestly, I think Mrs. Snyder is a good teacher. Two: I hate Goldberg. Three: I don't care as long as Mandy gets it and it helps her. Black is a big boy."

The bell rang and we waved goodbye to Slughorn as we walked out of his class.

"Fair enough." She nodded, nearly running into a Slytherin creep. I'm not prejudiced or anything, but Arbacus Stone was a piece of shit. "You know you pretend not to care about others, but you do." Lily's voice drew me out of my thoughts.

I arched an eye brow as we took our seats in the back. "Well you do. It's the little things you do, and don't think I don't notice them. You care, Alex. If you didn't you wouldn't have told Mandy what you did today in front of everyone. You remember saving that first year. The little thing had been so scared and you, Merlin, Alex, I could feel the anger radiating off you and the way you disarmed Stone, a Slytherin boy who's a year ahead of you… You had to have used some of your wiccan powers then." I had. I had telekinetically pressed an artery in Stone's wand hand which made him drop his wand. He still doesn't know what happened that day. "I've seen the way you are with Remus, how attentive you are when you guys are talking. If you didn't care about him or what he thinks you wouldn't spend half the time you spend with him." I had opened my mouth to interrupt her but she silenced my with a curt, "Zip it, Perry."

"Empathy is one of your powers, Alex." Lily had never sounded so ernest before. "Empathy is the ability to feel what others feel, and that gives you insight to real emotions, insight to who the person really is. You should be able to know who you can trust and who you can't. Also it makes you more attuned to your surroundings; makes you more sensitive. And Merlin knows why you hide it. The sensitivity, I mean. It wouldn't hurt you to show people what you really are underneath all that anger and cynicism." There was one thing about Lily, she always spoke with such passion and conviction that even if she was saying something wrong it would seem right to you.

"Can we not talk about this now?" I knew I was begging, but I really didn't want to talk about this. Ever. Despite all those demons I'd faced and the near death experiences I'd had, I was actually quite a coward. And it hurt to admit it, even to myself. I was sure she would say something similar to what she just did. It's what she always said.

My Wicca powers were a source of disagreement between the two of us. I always told her she wouldn't get it, and she told me if she didn't know what it was, if I didn't explain it then she surely wouldn't. I didn't want to talk about the morality of my powers so I rushed on, "Besides, my telepathy and empathy don't work the normal way. I have to focus on the person who's feelings I want to feel, otherwise it's just like a constant wave up here." I waggled my fingers around my temple. "Agreed there are times during emotional… I don't know, it's a Halliwell thing I guess. Our powers are tied to our emotions or something... sometimes they grow exponentially like during breakfast today but that doesn't mean…."

Lily had been practising her wand movement when she looked up sharply, "Oh yes, what happened during breakfast today?" Damn, why did I have to remind her. She rarely forgot anything to begin with!

"Nothing significant." I mumbled.

She snorted. "Yes that agruement with Sirius was nothing signficant. The fact that you called him a bastard and he said that you suffer from constant PMS was nothing significant."

"Well I sorta… I don't even know." I knew I had to come up with something. When Lily gets all sarcastic, you know she's well and truly angry. "You see, Black's elbow kept brushing mine all morning. And he wouldn't even scoot over, it wasn't like I had any place to move with Remus next to me. He's so stupid and arogant." I said half- heartedly. The mention of today morning had brought back all the thoughts that I didn't want to think about. Ever.

Lucky for me the bell rang. I closed my book and put it in my bag and stood up. Lily patiently did the same, walking towards the door waiting for me to talk.

"Am I a bitch to everyone Lily?." I asked abruptly.

"I beg your pardon."

"You heard me. And you heard what he said. So am I a bitch to everyone?" I asked again.

Lily stopped walking and I turned to face her. She took a deep breath, stalling for time, to think of an answer no doubt.

"You're only mean to the people you're afraid you'll get attached to." She said after we'd walked a while. "You're always looking for an excuse to push people away. What better way than be mean to them? I don't know when you're going to realize that not everyone is going to leave you, Allie. Not everyone's out to get you. Look at Remus, James… even Mandy and Alice. It's time you let your guard down a little."

I didn't know what to say. She knew me so well. When she finally realized I wasn't going to say anything, she just shook her head "Come on, let's go for lunch."

I could only nod and follow. What else was I supposed to say to that? It was the second time in one day that someone else had gotten the last word. I was losing my touch.

* * *

Ever had that funny feeling in your stomach? The kind that makes you feel like you're going to throw up any moment; that fluttery feeling bang in the middle of your abdomen that is accompanied by lightheadedness and dizziness; the kind that makes you think you are kinda floating around and yet your feet are firmly planted on good old Earth? Have you ever felt that blood rushing to your brain the way it does when you hang upside down for a really long time? Ever felt feverish, really giddy? Have you ever felt all this at the same time?

Ever felt all this AND felt happy at the same time?

No, I haven't gone mental. This is what Alice claims she feels in Frank Longbottom's presence. Hearing the other girls agreeing with Alice only made me sicker, so I left the dorm and headed downstairs to the common room to do some thinking of my own. Alice and Frank have been something of an item ever since school started. Hearing her talk about her love for Frank, Lily's sighs whenever James' name was mentioned and the pain in Mandy's eyes as Sirius' name was pointedly ignored was just too much for me to handle. I fought the urge to yell at them to wake up and smell the crap. That life wasn't all sunshine and puppies. People died, people walked away. Love wasn't a permanent state of being, not in the slightest. But since me and my views weren't very popular with others, I'd simply opted to sit by myself, away from them, with a bag of good old gummi bears in my lap.

"Hey."

I looked up from where I was looking into the fire and into Lily's eyes, "Hey yourself."

She sat down next to me on the couch that was placed in front of the fire in the common room. It was empty, considering it was just past midnight. I sighed, "Do you love James, Lils?"

She was silent for a while, "I do." She nodded, her liquid emerald eyes shinning as they met mine. "It wasn't something that happened overnight, I did despise him at one point. But you know what they say about there being a thin line between love and hate; I guess that's true after all. I didn't realize just when I crossed over to the other side. To feel… passion for something whether it is good or bad, it has to mean something to you. It took me a while to realize that while James is arrogant and proud and all those other things that made me not like him, he's so much more. Once I realised that, I learned to overlook those things, accept them. Passionate hate turned to passionate love." Her mischievous smile made me grin and roll my eyes.

We sat in silence for a while, each caught up in our own thoughts.

"Why don't you believe in love, Alex?" Her question was so soft I barely heard it. I looked up from the carpet and turned to face her, my back resting against the arm rest of the couch.

"It's not that I don't believe in love, Lily. I just believe it causes more harm than good, so I'd rather just stay away from it. I'm okay that other people trust it enough to take that chance of heart-ache and pain, I'm not."

After a beat I added, "I'm not strong enough."

"Why are you so scared?" She sounded so sad.

I looked away, running a hand through my hair. "I've seen what love has done to my family. To grams, to Aunt Phoebe," I snorted, "to my mom." I looked at her once again, straight in her eyes, "When dad died I thought I would die from the pain of it all. I don't ever want to feel like that again. I can live without love."

Lily wanted to say something, to convince me of how wrong I was, no doubt but ended up asking me something else entirely. "What does love feel like?" She doesn't mean it the way you're thinking, I'm an empath. I've felt love literally; she wants to know what that feels like.

I stopped, thinking how to explain it. I shifted and drew my legs close to my body.

"You know the HIV virus, they say the reason they can't find a cure for it is that it keeps mutating, changing its DNA structure such that by the time they have a cure for that one form it has transformed into another." The look on her face said that she hadn't known this before, grinning I continued, feeling slightly satisfied that this was one of the few times I knew something that she didn't. Taking a breath, I continued, "And how they say that every fingerprint is unique and no two finger prints are the same. That's what love feels like to me. It's unique and different in everyone. It just… tastes different every time."

"Everyone has their own way of loving so you can't compare love. You can't define it, you can't explain it, you can only feel it and express it the best way you know how. So it's not that I don't believe in love. I've felt it, you know. I still feel it. I feel it in me for my Grams and Grand-aunt Phoebe. I feel it for you, for dad. I've seen the looks my grand-mothers get when they talk about their husbands and their children, their sisters. So I do believe that love exists and that people are capable of feeling it. But I don't trust it. I don't believe that love is enough to carry you through life, through relationships. There is a certain amount of choice involved, certain compromises, and certain understandings that come with it and I don't know if I'm capable of making them. That's what makes relationships, not just an emotion. So when Alice talks about all the butterflies and crap and I can't help but wonder, is she ever going to do anything about it or just feel it? What's the point of feeling something if you don't express it in a healthy way? It just makes me so mad that she won't talk to Frank about it. Make what they are permanent. Or at least shut up about it around Mandy."

Lily smiled as if she'd finally found something she's spent a long time looking for. "There." She spoke softly, but there was slight excitement in her voice. "See, you care! You walked out tonight cause you knew you'd end up yelling at Alice for talking about, well romantic things when Mandy was right there. You realized it was inappropriate for someone who was still miserable over a break up to be around such a conversation but you knew you couldn't say anything because you didn't want to hurt Alice either. I just wish you'd let everyone see that the stone is nothing but a cover."

I just rolled my eyes, "Must you read into everything? Jesus, I only left cause I didn't want to hear crap about fluttering stomachs or I would have ended up puking my own guts on that floor."

Lily wrinkled her brow. "Must you be so graphic?"

I mimicked her accent, "Indeed I must." I declared in a posh British drawl.

We both laughed at that. Shaking our heads and high-five-ing each other.

"Maybe she's just scared that he might not feel the same way." Lily reasoned once we'd quieted down.

"That certainly hasn't changed her feelings. It doesn't have anything to do with fear." I argued.

"Says the girl who's never been in a relationship." Lily said in a dry tone. "It's not that easy you know. To just accept what you feel and throw your happiness in someone else's hands. It's not easy at all." She repeated. "Love is scary. It's just…" she shrugged.

"Love is nothing but a word for here is my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy. People take it where they can get it, and keep it as long as they can." Lily laughed at my approach. "It's pathetic, if you ask me." I added.

"Anyway, what I told Alice was there's no handbook to tell you what to do and how to do it. Love is something you have to define for yourself."

"That's well said love." Said a another voice. Startled, I looked to the entrance of the common room from where the voice came, Lily turned around to get a look at the person too. Recognizing the person, I rolled my eyes and relaxed, "Hello James. How long have you been spying on us?"

Laughing, James joined Lily and me on the sofa, squeezing between the two of us and throwing his arm around Lily. There was movement to my left as Remus took the armchair and Sirius seated himself on the other one next to Lily.

"Great, now it's a party." I mumbled. "So what did you hear?"

There was an umcomfortable silence. Remus was looking everywhere but at me and James' sympathetic gaze gave them away.

"Oh." I managed. I didn't know how that made me feel. Them hearing me talk about love and my family. About the death of my dad.

"Did it occur to either of you prats to either walk away or let us know you were there?" Lily wanted to know.

No one answered. I didn't know what to do next. I could tell both James and Remus were uncomfortable, ashamed even. Black was just staring at the rug that lay at his feet with an inscrutable expression.

The light of the fire made his face glow with a warmth, lighting up his light skin. Nature had truly blessed Sirius Black. Tall, four inches over six feet, a lean- muscled body, nothing like those abnormally muscled men whose muscles had muscles. He had black hair, shiny and soft (or least it seemed. It's not like I've ever touched it.) that fell into his eyes with a sort of the elegance that not many could achieve even with the help of hair gel. He had artistocratic features; sharp, angular cheekbones, square jaw, straight, aristocratic nose and full lips. A light stubble lined that firm jaw and a scar ran across his left eye brow. His eyes, even now were hooded, glowing with something I couldn't place. I hadn't seen that sort of grey in any one's eyes before. I had always thought that grey eyes were eyes that didn't really have any distictinct colour, but his were undeniably grey. Stormy and piercing, really accentuated the intimidated look that Sirius mastered a long time ago. He always seemed to brood, caught up in his own thoughts. The only time he'd crack a genuine smile was around James and Remus and his laugh sounded rusty, like it wasn't something he did often. Around others his smile was a forced one that didn't reach his eyes, his laugh bitter, not they noticed, something I thought to be impossible. Caught up in my thoughts, I was looking at Sirius, but not really seeing him.

"Alex." I felt someone shake me.

"What James?" I asked without looking at him.

"I know Sirius is good looking, but you've been staring at him for the past ten minutes now."

Hearing his name, Sirius looked up at me and smirked. Gah, such arrogance. Shameless jerk.

Ten minutes, what crap. I was looking but not looking, thinking, you moron.

"Alex."

"Stop shaking me, James." I growled.

"Staring is bad manners you know." James said cockily.

"I wasn't staring at him, I was just thinking and looking in his direction, but not staring at him." I tried to explain, this was sort of embarassing. Being caught staring at a guy more than once in one day.

"Whatever you say, Alex."

"Shut up, Potter. I'm going to bed Lily, you coming?"

She nodded. We bade the guys goodnight, I think I slightly blushed when I nodded in Sirius' direction.

We were walking towards our dorms, the entrances to which were located on either side of the fireplace, when I spoke loudly to everyone in general, "He's not all that good looking you know." Just as Da Vinci's work is not all that impressive.

James chuckled, "You know he is."

I just rolled my eyes and muttered, "Yeah right."

"You were staring at one point, weren't you." Lily wanted to know as we climbed up to the sixth year dorms.

"Maybe." I said as we entered the dorm.

Alice and Mandy had been talking to each other and stopped abruptly as I entered and Lily followed. Lily casually cleared her throat but I knew the reason behind it. I nodded and walked to Alice's bed, where she and Mandy were sitting in their pyjamas. I looked into Alice's dark, warm eyes as I apologized. "Alice, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings earlier. I was having a bad day and I took it out on you. I shouldn't have and I'm sorry." She opened her mouth, but I rushed on. "You know what?" I turned to look at Mandy too. "It seems like I've been having a bad six years. I know I haven't been the easiest person to live with. I'm just not a people person… so don't take it personally." I rubbed the back of my neck uncomfortably as neither Alice nor Mandy said anything. "Right. Okay then, night."

I turned and started to walk towards my own bed when I felt someone's hand on my shoulder. I turned around and I looked into Mandy's greenish- blue eyes, "We all have our faults, Alex. I'll never forget our first evening here when you dumped spaghetti on Angelica for picking on me." I grinned, that had been a great moment.

"Or that time you got Arbacus Stone to stop bullying Jackson Petrelli in second year." Alice added.

I nodded. They both smiled at me and I knew things were good between us.

That night I dreamt of a hooded figure with haunting grey eyes.

**A/N:** I know the quote in the beginning is too long. But I love it and it just felt appropriate.

Anyway, reviews are always helpful.

Thank you.


	4. Hanging by the Moment

**Disclaimer:** The songs belong to Lifehouse.

**I'm living for the only thing I know**  
**I'm running and not quite sure where to go**  
**And I don't know what I'm diving into**  
**Just hanging by a moment here with you**

"Goddamnit." I viciously scratched out the sentence I had just written.

Muttering venomously under my breath I leaned to grab the book that was lying on the other side of the table, hoping to God there would be something in there that would help me complete the Charms essay successfully.

"Fuck. Fuck."

Yeah, I know I have a dirty mouth. I don't usually curse this fluently (often being the key word), it's just that I had some Charms homework, and considering how I suck at Charms, it's a miracle that I actually wrote six inches off the foot and half essay that was due the next day. Viciously scratching out another sentence of my rough draft, (after many cases when I have handed in the first draft with all it's nurmerous cancellations and ridiculous thoughts, I had learnt that it was better to write everything first in a rough book and then get Lily or Remus to approve it before I handed it in.)

I referred to another book, cursing Lily to oblivion. "Bitch. All I wanted was to have a look, one damn look. It's not like I was going to copy the whole thing. Just parts here and there. Bloody bitch."

Currently the bane of my existance was off romancing that dashing chaser of hers. Yes, she was done with the essay and was enjoying the double free period that we shared with the seventh years to the fullest. Bitch.

I sighed, looking out the window. It was such a beautiful Thursday morning, rare one considering it was the last week of October (Halloween was in three days) almost everyone was out, that is the seventh and sixth years, the rest were in classes. The common room was empty, hence no one was throwing me weird looks for stabbing my notebook with my quill, talking and cursing to myself.

Running my hand through my hair, I doodled on the corner of my page, not really paying attention to what I was writing. Almost the entire page was full of random song lyrics, and seven lines of charms essay of which four lines were scratched out, a couple of triquetras that I'd drawn without realizing it. It wasn't that I was weak in school or anything. It's just I had to try harder than the others to perform the simplest of spells and understand the theory, I refused to let it bother me beause no matter how much I claimed to hate wand magic it was pretty neat and interesting, my current subjects were Charms, Transfiguration, DADA and Potions. Other than that I had Muggle Lit and math and History of Magic. I had dropped Care of Magical Creatures, Divination and Astronomy. Plus I had quidditch and running to get my mind off school work. Every once in a while I would admit to myself that Hogwarts wasn't half as bad.

I was here with my best friend, made a couple of new ones, I was in the care of one of the most powerful, wisest wizards ever. The grounds were beautiful, I even managed to interact with a unicorn that Hagrid had come across.

I sighed as I realized I hadn't managed to get even a small amount of the homework done. Charms sucks.

"**Forgetting all I'm lacking**  
**Completely incomplete**_"_

I paused, not turning around to acknowledge the now familiar voice, even though an involuntary shiver ran down my spine.

"**I'll take your invitation**  
**You take all of me now**"

I hadn't written those lines down, so he most definitely knew about this song.

I slowly set down my quill and turned around to look up at him. "You listen to Lifehouse?" I didn't manage to keep the surprise from my voice.

Sirius grinned. Well not exactly, since his expression didn't change but you could tell by the change in his eyes. "No, not really. They do have some decent songs, but this song makes them sound like a pop band. The lyrics are good though."

He was comparing this song to others, which meant- "You listen to muggle music?" I mentally winced at the shock in my voice. Jesus, he had only admitted to listen to muggle music and not declared he was a Death Eater. Damn, my neck was starting to hurt.

He arched his eye brow as he looked down. Shaking his head slightly, he took a seat next to me. I was sitting on the floor, using a coffee table as a study desk. He rested his back against the table, his legs sprawled before him. Exactly a week and a day had passed since we last had a conversation. I had seen him sparsely over the week, infact just during meals. The rest of the time he had been away from the group, sitting all by himself if he ever was in the common room. Most of the time he spent away, God knows doing what. Lily had asked about his behaviour, James had written it off saying Sirius was fine and that he needed sometime to himself. But I had seen James and Sirius and sometimes even Remus taking walks with Sirius on the grounds, talking to him. Something must have happened with his family, cause according to Alice, Sirius' cousin Narcissa Black had confronted him about something. She claimed that it had taken both James and Remus to talk him out of doing anything stupid and make him walk away. It was no secret that Sirius Black was the black sheep of the family. While the entire lot of them were elitist purebloods, who believed that muggleborns were beneath them and had no place in the magical community, Sirius did not. He had shocked everyone when he was sorted in Gryffindor instead of following the family down the Slytherin path. On more than one occasion Sirius was known to run off a Slytherin for bullying a muggleborn. Despite not being a traditional Black, he was most certainly a well bred pureblood.

"Huh?" I asked as I had missed what he said, to busy day dreaming once again.

"I said," He sounded fairly amused, "Don't sound so surprised."

And I shouldn't have been. He was most certainly not prejudiced to think that muggle music would be beneath him.

Awareness flooded through my body when our shoulders brushed. I could smell him, all fresh and pine-y, we were sitting that close. It was a little too close for my comfort, but I wasn't going to show him how uncomfortable I was. "Why aren't you outside with the others?"

I wasn't nervous because I liked him or anything; it's that kind of nervousness that you experience with a really smart, popular senior actually acknowledges you. As outgoing and don't-carish I may seem, I am quiet and shy around people I don't know. I continued to write lyrics, my hand just writing without me thinking anything really.

"I just got up." He admitted. I looked at him and cocked my own eyebrow. It was almost twelve thirty in the morning.

"We were up till late last night." He explained, even though he didn't really have too.

I wanted to ask who was the 'we' and what they had been up doing, but I thought better of it. Sometimes you're better off in the dark.

"I was on my way out but I saw you sitting here, spaced out." He sounded smug.

I noticed the corner of his mouth turned up slightly and his grey eyes glinting with amusement. The jerk was laughing at my expense.

Ignoring my nervousness, I curtly replied, "Well don't let me hold you back. I'm sure you have plenty to do. Have a good day." I could so be polite when I wanted to be.

Chuckling, he said, "No, really. I'd rather stay." What was with him? The last time we'd been together he'd all but called me a bitch and I'd most definitely called him a bastard. Why was he sitting next to me, talking to me as if we were friends?

"While I'm honored by the fact that you chose me to be your entertainment for the day, I'd much rather you leave."

"Entertainment?" If he had been a girl, or even a guy with a goofy sense of humour like James, he would have gasped in outrage. "Why, I'm shocked that you think so poorly of me."

I snorted. "Like you give a rat's ass about what I think of you."

"Maybe I like the way you talk."

"And how is that?" I snapped at him.

"Like a crude American." Was his prompt reply.

"Why you-" I wanted to slap the smirk of his face, but I saw the teasing glint in his eyes and stopped mid sentence. I shook my head, "Should have known you'd be here to add fuel to the fire."

I'm pretty sure he said, "Charms, early in the morning. Too good an opportunity to pass." Then again I could be wrong because I was busy staring at his eyes to pay attention to what he was saying. While he truly had a handsome face, his eyes were something else entirely. Right now the amusement and suppressed laughter were making them twinkle brightly, making he seem so kind, so approachable and just so damn amiable.

I wish he would look at me like that, that way I could smack him without feeling guilty. Hell, I could have come up with a rude remark if I wanted to, but since he was making effort, I figured so could I. After all our best friends were dating. We could least try to get along. Right?

"Hello, Lexie, did you hear me?" He waved his hand in front of my face.

"Huh?" I responded intelligently.

"Are you okay Lexie?" He asked me taking in the blush, which spread across my face as I realized what I was thinking.

"You called me Lexie." I accused him as I tried to stop blushing.

Raising an eyebrow he said, "So?"

"Don't call me that. I hate it."

"Well I think it's better than Alex, so tough. And the fact that you don't like it makes it all the more appealing."

There was that ghost of a smile again, the one the lit up his face. I just couldn't be an ass in return.

So I smiled back. Genuinely. And turned back to my problem at hand. "Go away, you're distracting me. I have homework to do. I don't time to be your source of amusement and I'm not going to take the bait and sit and argue with you." Why am I talking so much?

"You were distracted before I got here." He said, sweeping a hand over all the doodles and song lyrics scribbled all over the page.

"Okay then, you are distracting me further. I have to get this done today." I rubbed my aching eyes with one hand. I really needed to start using my reading glasses. "Stupid Lily won't help me and has forbidden Remus from helping me too."

"I'll help you." He stated.

"Seriously?" I asked, unsure about the legitimacy of his offer.

"Love, I am-" He started arrogantly.

I rolled my eyes and interrupted him. "I know that dumb joke about you being serious, Sirius."

"Well?" Was all he asked. At my hesitation, he added, "I'm excellent at Charms."

"And modest too." I mumbled half heartedly as I weighed my odds; accepting help from Sirius Black just proved how desperate I was and desperate wasn't what I wanted to appear to Sirius Black. But then again, this is Charms we're talking about. I couldn't perform Wingardium Leviosa till the middle of second year. When asked to perform the Cheering Charm on Lily I had somehow sent Professor Flitwick to the hospital wing with singed hair. I shuddered as I remembered my punishment for that. Cleaning out the stalls of all the girl's bathrooms in the castle (the ones that weren't inside the towers and in the case of Slytherin- dungeons) had been a total nightmare.

"Wasn't it your essay that Flitwick read out to all the classes in your fourth year- the one about Summoning and Banishing? So that no one ever wrote anything like that again?" He was rubbing salt on the wound, and he knew it.

"Fine." I snapped. I knew Lily wouldn't help me and neither would Remus. Here was one of the smartest students in this school, I could swallow my pride for the sake of education. Yeah right, for the sake of saving face before Flitwick and rest of the class was more like it.

So for the next forty five minutes he taught me about the wonders of Charms and listened while I recalled everything he had taught me and even looked over my shoulder and gave me tips about improving my essay. I guess I hadn't expected him to be such a patient tutor. He didn't get impatient or worked up when I made mistakes, nodding encouragingly and even beaming when I finally grasped the concept.

"Thank you." I told him, once I had put away all my stuff and piled up the books that I would have to return to the library.

"You don't like people much do you?" Either he was very perceptive or I was very transparent.

"I guess not." I admitted. "I like being alone."

"And I'm intruding, aren't I?"

"I don't know Sirius." I really didn't want to talk about heavier stuff.

I guess he figured that out cause he didn't say anything further.

"Angelica doesn't really seem to like you much." He stated.

"That would be the understatement of the century." I grinned as I remembered how she's looked last night when she'd come back from her detention with Slughorn. It was the last of the week long detention she had to serve for what she's said to me in Literature class.

I couldn't help the laugh that escaped me. "Pickling newt's eyes with Slughorn. That must have ruined her manicure."

That made him chuckle once again. Belatedly I noticed how it resembled a dog's bark." I had to hear about that you know. Apparently it was torturous."

That solved the mystery of where he had been last night. Somehow the knowledge that he had spent last night with Angelica made me sit up straighter and dissolved the easy mood that I had settled into.

"We've never gotten along." I told him curtly.

"You don't have to tell me that." He shook his head. The movement made a lock of hair fall into his eyes.

"It was pretty evident the night you dumped the spaghetti on her head." Despite my black mood, no puns intended, I smiled at his mention of my very first dinner at Hogwarts. "She was picking on Mandy for no reason. Someone had to do something." I shrugged. "I can't believe you remember that."

"How can I forget that night?" And that's when I heard Sirius Black laugh for the first time. He actually threw back his head and laughed. A sound that seemed to come from deep within his chest.

I tried to ignore how my stomach clenched at the sound. "That was the night James suggested we make you the one and only female Maurauder."

"What didn't you then?" I asked in a neutral voice.

"He saw you be nice to Snivelly." He stated in a more sober tone.

This was the opening I had been looking for. This was why I was angry, not because he liked to 'spend time' with Angelica Goldberg. "Hey," I cried, "Don't talk about Severus like that."

From the corner of my eye, I saw Lily and James enter the common room along with Remus, Mandy, Alice and Frank.

"You are still defending him after what he said to Lily after our OWLS that day?" He asked me, his voice suddenly emotionless.

I opened my mouth but shut it again, considering I didn't know what to say. I knew that Severus had feelings for Lily, I knew about his childhood. But nothing excused the fact that he called her a mud-blood almost two years ago, but something in me still believed that Severus didn't deserve the way the Maurauders treated him. "The only reason he is so defensive is because of you and your friends and the way you have treated him. He was an awkward boy who you picked on cause you had nothing better to do. You humiliated him time and again, just because you didn't have anything better to do. And that image got stuck in everyone's head. No one ever gave him a chance so what else do you expect from him? It's only a matter of time before you start pushing back, after being pushed around for so long. It might be with someone who doesn't deserve it, but can you really blame him? The only reason James attacked him that day was because you were fucking bored. So please don't get all self-righteous on me." I hissed angrily.

He laughed bitterly. "You judge me and James based on Merlin knows what. Yeah, you think we haven't noticed it. But you will automatically defend a Slytherin who insulted your best friend. Not once, but time and again. I see the way you behave with James, the way you are with Mandy and Alice and everyone else. You're nothing but cold, angry and bitchy. And closed up. What right do you have to judge us?"

Just moments ago we were having a decent conversation, how did things change so quickly? What he said was true, but I wasn't thinking rationally. I was so angry, he called me cold? Me, cold?! And closed up! The nerve.

I stood up, and looked down at him. "Judge you without reason? What the hell are you talking about? I just told you why I hate your bloody guts. You walk around, with that gorgeous smirk and charm any girl that catches your fancy. You'll keep her around for a few days, weeks if she is really lucky before you'll leave her without so much as a by-your-leave." In a flash, he stood up too. "Mandy, Jesus. Do you have any idea what you did to her?" I saw a flash of regret in his eyes, but it disappeared as soon as it appeared. "I was the one who stayed up with her the entire night while she cried for you! She loved you, damnit." I poked him in the chest. "She fucking loved you. And you just ended it, like she didn't mean anything to you. There are enough girls out there thinking they are worthless because of you. And that's how you made Severus out to be too!" I poked him again. "You think you own the whole school, the way you walk and prank anyone and everyone. You think you're some kind of royalty, being a Black and all. Hexing people 'cause you're bored or because they don't look at you right. I might be cold and angry and bitchy. But least people know how I feel about them. I don't lead them on just to screw them over later. At least I'm not arrogant and at least I don't have an ego the size of Asia." I was so angry. Breathing heavily, I shoved my bangs out of my eyes and looked up at him, straight in the eye. He was furious, his eyes were blazing. With a perverse satisfaction, I noticed that least I made some emotion flicker in those gorgeous but hooded eyes.

He was breathing heavily too. His chest heaving, but he didn't say a word. I laughed, the sound so bitter, to my own ears, "I guess that settles it then."

Bending down, I picked up my books off the coffee table we had been working on and later leaning against as we spoke and turned to him one last time, "Thank you for your help with the essay." I snarled and brushed past him.

I didn't make it that far; barely two steps when I felt his hand on my arm, warm and firm. My stomach clenched nervously again. He turned me around sharply. "What?" I spat. "Finally thought of a comeback?"

His other hand grabbed my other arm and he pulled me close, too close to him as he leaned down. If it hadn't been for that furious look in his eyes I would have thought he was going to kiss me, "Don't you dare judge me. You know nothing about me." He whispered angrily.

I stood on my tip toes, our lips only inches away, "Just as you know nothing about me." I shot back.

"Alright. Both of you, back off, now." James instructed authoritatively. He tried to move Sirius' fingers that were wrapped around my arms, trying to get in between the two of us, but we weren't budging. So Remus came forward to help. He put a soothing hand on my back, "Come on, Alex." He said in that soft, reassuring voice of his.

"Seriously, Padfoot. Don't make me give you detention." James, also Head boy, wrestled to get Sirius away from me. "Padfoot." James shook him. Sirius threw me one final disgusted look and let James lead him to their dorm.

Not looking at anyone, I bent down to pick up my books that had fallen on the ground when he grabbed me. Then I ran up the stairs as fast as I could and shut the door to the dorm behind me and leaned against the door, trying to get my heart to slow down. As I flopped down my on my bed I could still feel his strong fingers on my arms. I shook my head, but I could still feel his hard body against mine. I closed my eyes and rolled onto my side. How the hell had a perfectly pleasant conversation gone down hill that fast? My last coherent thought before I fell asleep was that his breath smelled like peppermint.

* * *

Ever had that feeling where you know you're sleeping, and you're aware of how comfortable you are that you just don't want to wake up? That's exactly how I feeling, all warm and comfortable; safe.

Abruptly my eyes flew open and I abruptly sat up and pain erupted across my forehead. "Damn Alex. I told you to open your eyes, not shoot up and bang your head against mine." Rubbing my head, and shaking the sleep from my eyes, I slowly focused on what was happening around me. Lily was sitting on the edge of my bed, with a frustrated look on her face, rubbing her own forehead. I sighed, "Sorry Lils. I didn't know you'd be leaning over me."

"I had to; I had to literally shake you, Al. You just weren't getting up. You missed all your morning classes. It's lunch now, so come on, get your ass moving." With that she got off my bed and moved to my side table where my bag was and slung it over her shoulder.

"Why did you let me sleep in?" I asked as I rubbed the remaining sleep from my eyes.

"I figured you needed it." She said simply.

"I'm taking your bag and going to the Hall. Come down after you've washed your face and everything." She paused at the door, "Oh and don't worry about Mandy. She didn't take what you told Sirius in the wrong way. But you should still talk to her about it."

Just what I didn't want to think about- charms, today morning and Sirius Black. The memory of the fight in front of everyone made me blush.

"I'm the telepath, you know." I told her.

"And I'm your best friend." She replied and then closed the door behind her gently.

Hiding my face behind my hair, I nodded, got out of bed, washed my face, pulled my hair back into a high ponytail and made my way down to the Hall.

I pushed the door to the Great Hall open and searched for bright red hair. There it was, next to an untidy mop of black hair, in our usual place. Dodging two weird girls hugging each other, while simultaneously jumping up and down and squealing, I reached the place where Lily and James were sitting. If I had been a fool I'd have hoped that Sirius wasn't there, but I'm not a fool. There he was, sitting right across Lily and James and the only vacant place was one next to Lily opposite him. Great, next to the most perceptive person I know and across the person I never want to talk to again. Praying to some higher power for the endurance power, I sat down next to Lils and started to serve myself some pot roast and mashed potatoes. Remus, who was sitting across James and next to Black, grinned at me, "Feeling better?"

Not looking up from my plate, knowing who was staring at me, I just nodded. "There was nothing wrong in the first place."

"She was finishing her Charms homework. What do you expect, Rem? You know how tiring Charms can be for Allie." Lily nudged me, teasing me oh-so subtly.

James added his own two cents, "I read that essay you wrote last week, before Remus stepped in." He laughed, "Merlin Alex, I knew Charms was your weak spot, but that was just hilarious."

I didn't say anything, just shot him a mock glare and went back to meticulously cutting the pot roast and just moving it around in my plate. I knew what they were trying to do and I appreciated it. But my stomach felt like someone was squeezing it and the very thought of food was nauseating. Also, I was sure _he_ was still looking at me, I could just feel it. Self-consciously, I tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.

"Lexie, you okay?" Lily asked, worry laced through her words.

I remembered how that name had rolled of his tongue just a couple of hours ago, it made my stomach worse. Shaking my head I corrected her, "Fine, as long as you don't call me Lexie, Lils." I still refused to look up.

"I don't get your aversion to the name Lexie, Alex. It's a perfectly normal name." Remus said, pointing his fork at me.

I looked up, finally. Scrunching up my nose, I said, "It sounds like the name of some rabbit or goat or something." I shook my head. "Lexie." I tested the name, but it didn't feel right. Not the way it had felt when he had said it.

Everyone burst into laughter, including him. It was such an amazing sound, deep and rich. I dared a look at him; just as he looked at me. His eyes never ceased to take my breath away. They were shinning with amusement, the edges crinkled, his mouth was set in a smile, his teeth sparkling, his hair was falling into his eyes and to put it in the simplest of terms, he was gorgeous. When he noticed that I was looking at him, he did something surprising; he smiled at me again and involuntarily I smiled back. My stomach was clenching so badly that I was sure I was going to throw up anytime soon.

I got up and looked at Lily, "Lils, I don't feel so good so I'm going to go back to bed. Can you McGonagall and Sluggy that I'm not well?"

Lily nodded, concern evident in her eyes, "Sure, of course I will. What's wrong with you anyway?" Her eyes were roaming my face, taking in my flush and somewhat irregular breathing.

"My stomach is acting all weird, I'm also a bit light headed and nauseous." Least I wasn't lying about the symptoms.

"Must be that time of the month." James mumbled, not so discreetly. Lily turned and smacked him on the back of the head just as someone, I'm guessing Remus, kicked him under the table because he let out a loud, "Ow!" and grabbed at his leg below the table and then rubbed the back of his head.

I bit back a grin.

Remus glared at him and looked at me, "Maybe you should go to Madam Pomfrey. She'll give you something to make you feel better."

I highly doubt that Rem, but I didn't say that out loud, "I just want to sleep in my bed. That's all. I'll be fine."

Lily nodded and got up, "I'll walk you back to the dorm." Seeing me open my mouth to argue she added firmly, "I insist." Well you just can't argue with Lily sometimes. Nodding mutely, I started to leave, just as the boys mumbled some weird get-well-soons.

I glanced back at Sirius one last time. His was looking at me with an unreadable expression. His eyebrows were creased and his mouth set in a straight line. Sucking in a shaky breath, I left the hall with Lily.

Lily went with me all the way.

She helped me into my bed, tucked me in and even smoothed back my hair. Smiling at me, she turned around and left the room, closing the door behind her with a soft click.

I let out a deep sigh and sunk into the warm goodness of my bed, just what had happened today? Black had helped me with my charms homework, we'd had a pretty decent conversation before yelling at each and then when he had grabbed me and pulled me towards him I had enjoyed it. Now I was extremely nervous in his presence? That made absolutely no sense. Just yesterday Sirius Black was a notorious playboy who I wouldn't give the time of my day. And today I was thinking it wouldn't have been so bad if he had kissed me? This was just so weird. Everything happened so fast, I didn't know what to make of it.

I sighed again, running a frustrated hand through my hair. If I was going to be completely honest with myself, I'd admit that Sirius Black had always intrigued me. Not because he was oh-so-hot or something, but because of just who he was and why he was the way he was.

I laughed out loud, just what the hell was I thinking? Kissing Sirius Black. I would need a couple of hours to get over this… whatever the hell this was and then I'd be fine. Yeah, I would. Convincing myself that this was all there was to it, I closed my eyes and drifted off.

That night I skipped dinner, camping out on my bed with my stash of candy and junk food. I thought what Mandy might have thought of the things that I had thrown at Sirius. She'd never told him that she had loved him. I thought back to the days when she had been his girlfriend. He had asked her out on the third day of school and she had been on cloud nine. The relationship had ended just two days before the breakfast incident.

Over the course of those couple of weeks, Mandy had been ecstatic, floating through everyday. I had never seen her so happy. And when she was with Sirius, the glow on her face was blinding. Sirius too had seemed content. And then one day, not one week ago, just like that without a warning he had ended it with her.

The fact that Mandy had been broken hearted was an understatement. When she entered the dorm that night, I had been the only one there. Lily had been with James and Alice was tutoring some second year. She had walked into the room dazed, not replied when I had asked her what happened and just plopped down on my bed. She'd turned to face me and that expression in her eyes had floored me… you could see the rejection, the hopelessness and the pain clearly in her eyes. Wordlessly, she had put her head in my lap and started to cry. We had sat like that till three in the morning when she finally fell asleep, even then I didn't have the heart to move, afraid that she would wake up and start crying again. I hadn't gotten any sleep that night, and despite my best defenses Mandy's emotions had mingled with mine. When Alice and later Lily had returned, they had been shocked to see Mandy and me. Knowing immediately what had happened, they had placed themselves on my either sides, our backs resting against my headboard, hands rubbing soothing circles on Mandy's back. We'd all spent that night in my bed, silent yet trying our best to be comforting.

"Mandy." I said, as soon as she entered with the rest of them after dinner.

I saw her shoulders heave as she sighed, before turning to face me. "When I said that I had to stay up all night, I didn't mean for it to sound as if it inconvenienced me in some way. In fact, I am glad it was me and not anyone else who was here that night. I just wanted to prove that I don't hate him for no reason at all. I wanted him to see just how many friends of mine he'd hurt just so that he could prove whatever the hell he'd trying to prove to himself and others." I was apologizing just too much lately.

"I know Alex." She said softly. "I'm glad you were here too." And then she smiled at me. The next thing shocked me just as much as it shocked the rest of them. I got out of bed and walked to her and hugged her as hard as I could. "I'm glad you understood."

She didn't say anything, just hugged me back.

**A/N:** Read and review!


	5. Brand New Day

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing that you recognize other than the original characters.

My lungs were burning, my mouth was dry, my breathing was ragged and the muscles in my leg were protesting. Music was playing in my ears, the wind was a light caress on my cheek and I'd never felt better.

"…Alexandria Perry!" I slowed myself to a halt and pulled my earphones from my ear.

"Alex! Here."

I turned to my left and there was Lily, across the Great Lake, waving at me. Just a little behind her were the Maurauders minus Sirius. It was Halloween today, the holiday I hated with every fibre of my being.

I waved back at her, put my earphones back in her place that ran around the lake to where the four of them were. By the time I reached the other side of the lake, the Gryffindor party had relocated itself to a place on the grounds, under a willow tree. There I saw that Sirius, Mandy, Alice and Frank were with them as well. I jogged the rest of the way to them and then unceremoniously dropped to the ground and laid back on my back. I was breathing heavily, sweaty and very thirsty. And since I was with people, and I was a well mannered girl (yeah right!) I took out one ear bud leaving the other so I could hear the music and the conversation.

Now that my body was cooling down, I could feel the October cold seeping in. My running shorts would have to be traded for sweat pants and the light cotton t-shirt for a sweatshirt.

"Hot legs, Perry." James drawled. He was leaning against the tree and Lily curled up into his side, her head resting on his shoulder.

I raised my head slowly and looked at him, grinning, "I know." Exhausted, I dropped my head back on the grass, "Jesus. Does anyone have water with them? I forgot to carry some with me."

"I noticed your bottle in the dorm, so I got it for you." Lily, the life-saver answered me. "And for god's sake Alex, reduce the volume on your iPod. I can hear it all the way here. You're going to go deaf one of these days."

"Yes, mom." I sat up and caught the bottle she threw me and drained it half in one long sip. Then I pulled my hair out of the ponytail and retied it. That's when I realised that everyone was looking at me. "

What?" I asked defensively. When no one said anything I got up. "I'm going to head back and shower. I'll meet you guys back here in half an hour."

Peter laughed, rather he giggled, "I don't think we'll be here when you get back Alexandria. Half an hour to a girl in the shower is a good hour and half for us guys."

I closed my eyes and started to count to ten, one of these days Peter was going to get his wand shoved where the sun don't shine if he kept talking to me this way. Just as I was going to answer, James spoke up. "Shut it, Peter. Alex showered in under 10 minutes last Monday when she was late for literature class. Go ahead, Lex. We'll wait for you here."

I cocked my head to one side, "Lex?"

He shrugged, "I think it's better than Alex."

I smiled, "I like it."

"Well go on and hurry up, the plants are dying and my eyes are watering at the smell you're giving off." I flipped him the bird and ran back to the castle.

After a nice hot shower, I got out of the bathroom. I picked out a grey full sleeved t-shirt that had a wide neck and a pair of dark Levis. After toweling my hair a little, I pulled on a pair of flat heeled black boots made of the softest suede ever. I loved those boots to death. I wrapped a black scarf around my neck, grabbed my knee length black pea coat and gloves and dashed out of the dorm. I checked the time, just as I was leaving the common room, twenty nine minutes since I came from the grounds. Hah, in your face Peter. As I walked to the castle grounds, I couldn't help but think how much things had changed in the past couple of days. I was closer to Mandy and Alice. Sirius and I were back to ignoring each other. After that fight three days ago, I hadn't seen much of him other than at meal-times. Occasionally, while running, I would see someone like him from the corner of my eye, but most of the times I was mistaken. It seems as though both of us were avoiding each other. And that suited me just fine. While I knew that I really didn't want to have anything much to do with Sirius, he was just so mysterious and open at the same time that I knew it was a matter of time before I was attracted to him. Which, after a lot of thinking and consideration, I was willing to admit, was a possibility. Maybe I already was. I gave a mental shrug, who wasn't? But I didn't want anything more than that. It wasn't even a crush or something, just pure attraction. Physical attraction and, on a very basic level, emotional too.

As I entered the school grounds, and felt the cold wind on my face and through my hair, I couldn't help but smile. I loved the wind and how it felt against my body. The fresh smell, the light caress, it just was something else. As it picked up, my smile widened.

That's what I looked like, when I neared the group, which had grown considerably. I greeted Lily, James, Peter, Remus, Mandy, Alice, Frank and Sirius with a goofy smile on my face, as I fell to the ground next to Remus. I was really in a good mood, "Hello. All you lovely people." And then I laughed.

"Are you high?" Frank asked tentatively. Not that I blamed him.

"If you mean on life, then yes." I answered pleasantly.

"Uh-oh. It's weirdly happy Alex. She's really scary. Psychopathic scary." Alice groaned.

"Just what's wrong with me?" I asked, indignantly. "When I'm all grumpy you don't like it, when I'm all happy you don't like it. I don't know what else to be." Though I was a little ticked off, the smile wouldn't leave my face.

"It's scary when you're both grumpy and happy for no reason at all." Alice answered.

"Well then stop being scared, 'cause I have a reason."

"And what might that be." Remus asked, gently.

I smiled and rested my head on his shoulder. His arm circled my shoulder. I sighed, not knowing how to explain to these people just what I was feeling. "Alex." Remus nudged his shoulder, the one I had my head on.

"Tell us." Frank urged me.

"It's the wind isn't it?" James finally said softly.

I was surprised, "How did you know?"

He shrugged, "It's that same expression you get every time you fly. You just close your eyes, tilt your head back and that smile that you smile is just so… happy. I can tell you love being out there on that broomstick." Which was shocking, cause when I had found out they really did fly on broomsticks, I had tears of anger in my eyes.

The rest of them were looking so expectantly at me that I couldn't bring myself to not tell them.

Lifting my head from Remus' shoulder, I looked around, "Ever since I've been a kid, I've always had this thing about flying. I would imagine what it would feel like to just float in the air, have the wind rush past you, roar in your ears and run through your hair. The way it would feel against your skin. The view from so high up. That feeling of being free and weightless." I smiled, "Anyway, since it's impossible to fly without the help of a broomstick and I know that for a fact. I broke my arm once trying to." I broke of to laugh lightly. Grams had been so mad. Aunt Phoebe had just laughed. "And it's weird to fly on a broomstick all the time. So the next best thing is running. Sometimes when I run fast enough, I feel weightless… the wind against my face, in my hair, the fresh smell, the adrenalin… I feel like if I run fast enough I leave everything behind, like nothing can keep me in… I feel free. It's such a high." I looked around, uncomfortable, since no one was saying anything. I looked down, fiddling with the hem of my t-shirt, clearing my throat.

"See now that wasn't so hard was it?" Remus whispered in my ear. I looked up, into his warm eyes.

"What are you talking about?" I whispered back.

He looked up, and then back at me. "The sky didn't fall on your head the one time you actually shared something personal." There was a mischievous look in his eyes.

I smiled softly, truly understanding what he was trying to say for the first time, "No it didn't."

"Wow, Alex. I have known you for the past six years and this is the first time I have heard anything that's remotely personal and not sarcastic from you." Mandy said, in an awed voice.

Alice nodded, "We've shared a dormitory for the past six years and finally I can say I know something substantial about you other than the fact that you're smart, witty and hilariously bad at charms."

"What are you talking about? I've told you guys about me." I said, looking at them, and letting the charms comment slide. Mighty magnanimous of me, I might add.

Mandy laughed and Alice snorted, as if to say 'yeah, right.'

I sat up straight, "Seriously. Come on, I'm not that closed up. I tell you guys stuff."

"Like what? I know that you're American because of your accent. But I don't know where you're from in America. Or how you got accepted to this school since only British and Irish people go to this school." Alice pointed out.

"Or how you knew Lily before school or who you live with. What do your parents do? We know nothing, Alex." Mandy added, gently.

I looked around, Lily was silent. But I could tell everyone else agreed with Mandy and Alice. I knew quite a lot of stuff about James and Frank. I basically knew Mandy and Alice inside out. Remus and I were good friends, we talked. Heck I even knew about Sirius' estrangement with his family and his disownment. No one other than Lily knew jack-shit about me. I felt really bad.

I sighed, "It's not easy for me to answer all these questions."

"We don't want the entire family history, Lex. Just a couple of facts, nothing ugly." James said in a soothing voice.

Here were people, people who cared enough about me to stick around even when I wasn't willing to trust them with anything. They deserved some facts. "Well, I live in San Francisco, California with my grandmother and her sister. It's an old Victorian manor that's been in the family for ages. Grams runs a club called P3 and a restaurant called Charmed. Grandma Phoebe has a column in a local newspaper and has published a couple of books. My dad died when I was five years old. That's when my mom decided to move on with her own life, I guess she.. well I honestly don't know why she walked out of my life. And frankly I don't care. I have all the family I want and need. The reason I go to this school is because my mother was a witch like you guys. She went to Hogwarts. My dad met her in London while on a trip. They fell in love and he stayed here with her because she didn't want to leave England. I was born here and that's how I know Lily. We were neighbours and why I go to school here. I moved to San Francisco a couple of years after my dad's death. Grams' didn't want me to go through too many changes all at once. Well, on a more personal level, I listen to a lot of music, I love to run. Blue is my favourite colour." I ended abruptly. "Is that enough?"

James smiled, "For now." He nodded, "Yeah."

I smiled. That really wasn't so bad. When I looked at Lily, she nodded at me and I could tell she was proud of me.

Against my better judgment, I looked at Sirius. He was looking at me with an unreadable expression. When our eyes met, a ghost of a smile flitted across his face. I quickly broke the contact to answer Frank's questions about the Golden Gate Bridge and other attractions of San Francisco, as he had been there with his parents one time.

"So how many of you are going for Sluggy's Halloween party?" James asked. "Lily and I are going as Princess Leia and Han Solo." For a pureblood, James was well versed with Muggle pop culture

"Well you're Head boy so there's no way you aren't. Which means Lily is going as well. All prefects are invited too, which means Remus, Frank, Mandy and I have invites. Sirius, due to his lovely family contacts, is invited as well. This leaves out just Peter and Alex." Alice listed off.

"Well I can take you along and Sirius can bring along Peter." Remus offered.

I shook my head. "There's no need. I'm not going to the Halloween party."

"Why not?" James asked.

"Well," I thought it would be best to just come out and say it, "I hate Halloween."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" Peter said sarcastically.

"Aren't you the smart one?" I began but Lily cut me off.

"Seriously guys, I don't think you can change her mind on that one." No one missed the glare she shot Peter. Both Alice and Mandy nodded, they knew about my hate for the holiday.

"No, really, why do you hate Halloween." Frank wanted to know as well.

I sighed, "It's just that…." How can I explain it to them without telling them about my Wiccan heritage? They waited patiently while I sorted it out in my brain. "I grew up with magic as an integral part of my life, it wasn't just what I did, you know, it was… is who I am. I was always told that good and bad magic depends upon the person who wields it. Magic itself isn't good or bad. But people talk about how Halloween is the day for evil beings, for werewolves and vampires and demons. For evil witches with warts on their noses who wear black robes and swish wands and have pet crows. They dress up as fairies and other magical beings… not knowing the truth about any of it. Every time I see a werewolf or vampire I swear I just…" I clenched my fist. "People distort the only world I've ever known in the name of a holiday. Sing and laugh about it, rejoice in it. And I hate that."

I looked at him. He was looking at me and I couldn't tell what he was thinking. His eyes were hooded again. He just kept looking at me, straight in the eye. I had to look away, afraid of what he would see in my eyes.

"Wow." Remus said and I turned to face him and saw that he was looking at me with a really funny expression.

"Wow what?" I asked.

"You really believe it's not who a person is but what he does that makes him good or bad?" Whoa, where did that come from?

"Erm, yeah. Why do you ask?" I was confused.

"You surprise me everyday, Alex. Every single day." Remus muttered, almost to himself.

"Er, ok-ay?"

"Wow, I never thought about it like that." James said.

I shrugged, "Most don't. And that's okay. So what is everyone else going as?" I asked, trying to take the attention off me.

Remus said he was going as a werewolf and I couldn't help but grin. Gentle, calm Remus dressing as a large, volatile beast. I just couldn't picture it. So I laughed, "I just can't imagine you as a werewolf. You're just so… Remus and werewolves are so not Remus… I can't picture you as a volatile, raging beast." Remus laughed as well, but I thought I heard a note of bitterness in it.

Alice and Frank were going together as a Victorian couple. No one said much about that, knowing what a big step it was for them.

Sirius was going as Count Dracula and I could picture that just so well. Cold yet charming, sexy and dangerous. That was Sirius.

Slowly, I stopped participating in the conversation, just letting the other's voices wash over me. And for the first time I felt like I belonged. I sighed as I snuggled closer to Remus, his arm tightening around mine in reply.

Despite the fact that today was Halloween and I hated Halloween, I couldn't help but think what a good day it had been

"Alex, would you please pass me the potions textbook." Lily said from her seat on the couch opposite the fire place, not looking up from the essay she was writing about the Felix Felicis potion.

"Move your ass and get it yourself." I replied, engrossed in my own essay about the advantages of non-verbal spells.

It was almost one in the morning, but we were finishing our home work for the weekend so that we'd be able to go to Hogsmeade on, both, Saturday and Sunday.

"Just send it over here please." She pleaded, looking around, as if to confirm that we were, in fact, alone.

Rolling my eyes, I answered, "The things I do for you." Without even looking in her direction or at the book, I used my telepathy to send the book to Lily. Just as I levitated it and moved it a bit, someone cleared their throat. Not breaking my concentration, I noticed the Maurauders had entered the Common Room. Did they ever sleep?

This is exactly what I asked them, in general. "Don't you guys ever sleep?"

But no one answered me. They were all staring at something, oh shit the book was still hovering a couple of feet from Lily. And she was staring at me with a scared look on her face. Thinking quickly, I telepathically told her to hold her wand in her hand. She took out her wand from her bag as discretely as she could and held it in her hand, without arguing with me. As she was removing the wand, I addressed the Maurauders again, "What the hell are you staring at?"

Peter squeaked in reply, "That book is just hovering in the air. You think Nearly Headless Nick is trying to scare us?"

"Well if he was, then he's not doing a good job cause you're the only one who's scared. Sorry to disappoint, Peter, but that's not a ghost." I replied dryly. Just why did they boys keep him around?

"Then would you like to explain why the book is hovering in the air like that?" Sirius asked me, his tone equally dry. My breath hitched, this was the first time that he ever spoke to me after that disastrous morning a month ago. But I recovered soon, "Lily was just using the hovering charm on the book. That's all." I replied nonchalantly.

He cocked an eye brow, "Isn't it rather late for her to try and master a spell that they teach in the first year."

"I didn't say anything about her trying to master it. Lily's amazing at Charms and everyone knows that. She's just teaching me the correct way of swishing and flicking and the correct pronunciation and how to do all of the three simultaneously. As it has been previously established, I do suck at Charms." I replied politely, too politely. "Anything else you would like to know?" Not waiting for him to answer, I turned to Lily. "Thanks for helping."

She gave me a shaky smile, I could tell she was afraid that they would, rather James would, start asking questions to which she had no answers. Lucky for us, I was a born liar.

James and Remus didn't know what to make of Sirius and my behavior, Peter announced that he was tired and went to bed. James sat by Lily and watched her as she finished her homework and Remus asked me if I need any help. But I didn't, so he said he was going to bed too. Sirius just sat at the table I was working at, alternately staring at me and somewhere in space. After Lily was done, James asked her if she wanted to take a walk on the grounds, after slight hesitation Lily agreed. Happily, James whisked her off.

I continued to write my essay, and to break the weird silence, I turned on my iPod which was connected to a pair of portable speakers.

_We have  
The chance to turn pages over  
We can write what we want to write  
We gotta make ends meet before we get much older _

You're the voice. I loved that song. John Farnham sang it so well.

_You're the voice try and understand it  
Make a noise and make it clear  
Whoa oh oh  
We're not gonna live in silence  
We're not gonna live in fear  
Whoa oh oh_

As I worked on, I sang along. Now I admit I'm no Amy Lee; but I didn't have a terrible voice neither did I sing off key. In fact it was a pleasant sort of voice.

So that's how the night advanced, I kept working on my defense essay. Once I was done with it, I finished my potions essay. Soon, in an hour and a half, with the help of the music and my stellar ignoring skills I finished my homework. All this while, he sat opposite me, looking at me, following each and every movement of mine with his eyes. He hadn't said a word, something that really unnerved me. After I had packed everything into my bag, I finally couldn't take it anymore. I stood up, slung the strap of my backpack over one shoulder and stooped down to disconnect my iPod and speakers when he reached over and grabbed my hands.

"You listen to good music." He said softly.

I didn't say anything. What the hell was I supposed to say to him? One of the things that made me most uncomfortable around him was the fact that I knew where everyone in my life stood. I knew just how important Lily, my grandmothers, Remus, James were to me. I knew that I was completely indifferent to Peter; that I hated Angelica even… but I didn't know what Sirius Black meant to me. One moment I was annoyed at him, the other time I didn't care what he thought of him. When I thought about Halloween, a week ago and the way he was looking at me, as if he was trying to figure me out, it was so… idon'tevenknow! I remember that night when I would stay up at night hating him for breaking Mandy's, remembering every other girl who got her heartbroken by him, but I also remembered the way he actually was with them, so gentle, so attentive. That couldn't be an act. He was unbelievably smart, intelligent, but I don't remember ever seeing him study. His pure-blood upbringing guaranteed his gentlemanlike behavior, but he wasn't anything like one. He knew about muggle music, he even wore converse. He was brought up by one of the foremost anti muggle families but still here he was, in Gryffindor, friends with muggles and 'blood traitors'. While he gave muggles a chance, he never gave Slytherin a chance… he hated them all. He could seem unassuming and arrogant at the same time. Sirius Black was just so confusing, infuriating.

"Lexie?" He made it sound like a question. I pulled my hands away and stood up.

"What do you want from me?" I asked him. I needed a straight answer.

"I don't know." He answered simply.

I sighed, even I didn't know. We could sit and not know together.

I sat back down, facing him, not saying anything. The music continued to play. A song ended and the opening bars of Starlight by Muse started to play.

"I can picture you singing this song." I told him softly.

"How come?" Interest was laced in his words.

I shrugged, "I don't know. I guess it's the fact that this song is called starlight and you're named after a star. Or the fact that I can totally imagine you being self destructive."

"No offence." I added shortly. And I honestly didn't mean any offence.

"Self destructive?" Was all he asked.

"Well you know. Okay maybe self destructive isn't really the right word." I tried to think of an appropriate word.

_Hold you in my arms  
I just wanted to hold you in my arms_

"Honestly, I don't know, but really the song does remind me of you."

We didn't say anything after that, just sat and listened to the song in comfortable silence.

As the song ended he said, "You know I found the song for you."

"That's what you've been thinking about all this while?" I asked incredulously. "A song for me?"

"Yes." He said as if it was the most obvious thing on this planet.

"Well." I demanded. "Which one?"

He turned the iPod to face him and started to look through it. While he was searching for the song, I got up and walked towards the window and sat down on the window seat and looked up at the night sky with it's million and more stars.

Just at that moment a soft, soothing voice filled the room.

_She gets up  
And pours herself a strong one  
And stares out at the stars up in the sky_

I looked away from the window and at Sirius. He was looking at me.

_Another night it's going to be a long on  
She draws the shades and hangs her and starts to cry  
She wonders how it ever got this crazy  
She thinks about the boy she knew in school  
Did she get tired or did she just get lazy  
She's so far gone she feels just like a fool._

"Lying eyes." I stated.

He got up, placed his hands in his pockets and walked towards me languidly.

He stopped when he reached the window and took a seat next to me, our backs resting against the wall. "There's just something about your eyes, something hidden in them… something you don't tell anyone about." His mouth was hovering near my ear, his breath hot fanning across my ear. My stomach tightened and I swallowed hard. "You were lying back there. Peter might have bought it, but I haven't."

"I don't know what you are talking about." I whispered, not moving my head, my eyes focused on the opposite wall.

"Or maybe I'm just imagining things, wanting something to be where there isn't." He hadn't moved either.

"That's plausible." I was thankful that my voice didn't crack.

"Uh huh." He muttered and then he kissed my ear.

That's when I jerked up, brushed past him and walked towards the table and turned off my iPod.

"You know," I said in this slightly high pitched, nervous voice, "it's getting late. I should go to bed now." I grabbed my stuff and held it close to my chest. "I'll see you around, Black."

Without a look back, I all but ran up to my dorm. But even after half an hour, my heart was still pounding, my stomach was still performing summersaults and the spot where he kissed me on my ear was still tingling.


	6. My Guardian Angel

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing other than my original characters and plotline.

When I woke up the next morning I was strangely happy. I'm never happy when I wake up because I hate waking up. But today… it was like I was looking forward to the day. Confused I got out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom, waking up last surely has it advantages. By the time I was out of the bathroom, dressed for the day in a pair of navy blue jeans and a green and blue checked shirt, all three of the girls were sitting on my bed, each with her right leg crossed over her left and her left hand resting on the right knee with the right resting on the top of the left. It was kind of scary, looking at the sitting similarly with identical mischievous grins on their faces. Uh oh.

"Er, mornin'." I greeted uneasily. I walked to the foot of my bed and pulled on my converse sneakers.

"Lexie, love, how was your night?" Lily asked her voice pleasantly nonchalant.

I stood up slowly from the foot of my bed and turned to face them. "It was pleasant enough, Lily."

"Would you say that you had a very good night? Did you sleep well?" Alice's smile was blinding.

"Yes, I did. I haven't slept better before." And I hadn't.

"And nothing happened before you fell asleep that would, could, might put a damper on your mood?" Mandy chirped.

Shit, they couldn't know, could they?

"Where are you going with this?" I asked suspiciously. Why would they care what kind of a mood I was in. That's when I saw them exchange this look. Oh boy, did I know that look well enough. Thankfully my coat along with my scarf and gloves was on the floor near my foot. In a swift motion I grabbed them and ran out of the dorm, yelling over my shoulder, "I'd rather die than go shopping with you guys."

I heard Lily scream in frustration and a couple of seconds later I heard the door slam behind me and footsteps thundered down the stairs behind me.

"Alexandria Perry stop running this instant." Like I was going to listen to you Alice.

Even though I ran everyday, despite the fact that I was a good runner, Lily had four inches on me and she had been on the track team at her old school. I had barely made it into the common room myself when she followed in after me. Thankfully it was empty, God bless the Gryffindors and their need for breakfast. I ran for the couch and using it as a barrier between Satan's spawn and me.

We just stood, facing each other trying to catch our breaths. By then Alice and Mandy had come down as well and they were standing in a corner, amused no doubt.

Lily and I were staring at each other, trying to see who would crack first. Just then the boys came down as well. "Morning ladies." James greeted us. Lily turned to look at him and I took it as my opening. I turned to run towards the main entrance but she anticipated the move, "James block the entrance." And he obeyed her, without a single question. What the fuck?

I pointed a finger at her, "It's not going to happen, Lily. I'm not doing it." I told her in an even voice.

"Come on Alex, don't be stubborn. It's just for a couple of hours." She cajoled me.

"Nu-uh. Not happening. Not now, not ever." I replied stubbornly.

"Oh come on Alex. It'll be over you know it." Alice said in a tone that I suppose she thought to be comforting.

I laughed sarcastically, "Like hell it will. Last time I had to spend over a fifty galleons on crap that I haven't touched ever since it was bought. I'm never going shopping you with guys." "Never." I repeated, knowing that I had to be firm on this or I would end up losing lots of money again.

James laughed from his position near the entrance, "That's what this is all about?"

"Oh yeah that rich coming for you, you Little Ms. Lily's lap dog. Shut up and guard." I snapped. Looking at Lily I continued, "I don't need anything, not jeans or shirts or socks or shoes, underwear… nothing. I'm good till the next blue moon."

"Come on, it'll be fun. I promise." She whined.

I snorted. "Like hell. What's fun about standing around watching someone else put on clothes that she's not even going to buy?"

"Well we're all going to spend the day together. Shopping. Remus is sick. Who are you going to spend the day with?" So now she was going to play dirty.

I opened my mouth to say something and then I closed it. "Also, the winter formal is coming up and you need a dress. I don't think Levis is all the formal, not even dark ones."

I had an answer for that one. "I'm not going to the dance. Just like last year and the year before that." I stuck out my tongue at her.

She flipped me the bird. "Come on Alex, come for the dance this year. It'll be a lot of fun. You get asked every year and you turn the poor guy down and sit in the Room of Requirement watching television all day. Frankly that's quite sad."

"Well I think it's sad that you have to get two other girls in to ambush me into coming shopping with you."

"So you're going to spend the day all by yourself?" She knew she had me there. As much as I loved solitude, it was pretty sad spending an entire day in a village like Hogsmeade all alone.

I looked at James and asked him, "What are you doing all day?"

"Oh sure now play nice. Sorry but I'm supposed to shut up and guard." He grumbled.

"Oh come on." He didn't say anything. "I'm sorry?" I asked.

"He's coming with me. And Frank is coming along as well. Fabian and Gideon are in detention and the rest of your team is occupied as well."

"You checked?!" I yelled.

She just smiled smugly. Boy, she really wanted me to shop.

"I'm not doing anything." A strong, velvety voice called. And my heart sped up.

I turned to look at him, "What?"

He shrugged, "Well, everyone I could spend the day with is busy too."

That's when I remembered that he had kissed me on my ear last night. Had anyone ever told me that someone, let alone Sirius Black would kiss me on the ear and that I would enjoy it, I would have laughed till I wet my pants. But it had happened and I had liked it. Jesus, what was I going to do?

I looked at him and then at Lily, who looked confident that I wouldn't go with Black. Talk about being between rock and hard place. I narrowed my eyes and her and still glaring at her I said, "Fine."

Lily looked like Christmas had been cancelled, "What?"

I looked at Black, "I'd love to spend the day with you."

"So what are you guys going to do today?" Lily asked is this angry sort of voice after everyone else was done with breakfast. We were walking out of the Hall, on our way out to where the carriages were waiting to take us to Hogsmeade.

Yeah what were we going to do? I didn't answer cause I didn't know and I don't know why Sirius didn't answer. After I had told him I would love to spend the day with him, not like, not enjoy but love, he had nodded and we all had made our way to the Great Hall for breakfast. He had chosen a seat on one side of the table and I chose a seat in the opposite direction. We hadn't exchanged a word all breakfast.

Sirius walked up to Filch who was standing with the usual list and got our names checked and walked back, "You ready?" He asked as he put his hand on the small of my back.

"Sure." I replied.

"Okay then, let's go." He said and applied pressure on my back, steering me away from the group.

"Aren't you guys riding the carriage?" Frank asked.

"Nah, we're walking to Hogsmeade." He answered, "If that's okay with you." He asked me.

I shrugged, "Sure." What was with me and monosyllables? A walk. With him. What the hell are we supposed to talk about? Why didn't I think this through? Why did Lily have to smirk, if she hadn't challenged me I would have ended up shopping with them not wondering about what I was going to say and not worrying about my stomach and heart. All the clenching and fast beating couldn't be good for either one of them.

The rest of them got their names ticked off the list by Filch and walked towards the carriages and Sirius started to walk down the path that people who walked to Hogsmeade took. It was a cloudy day. The sky was grey, the sun was low, it looked like it was going to rain. It had been raining all night and the smell still lingered in the air. The fresh, clean smell. I closed my eyes, turned my face to the sky and took a deep breath. I loved that smell. Unconsciously, I smiled.

"What?" He asked softly.

I opened my eyes and looked at him, he was a couple of steps ahead, looking at me.

"What what?" I asked.

"I just wanted to know what you were smiling about?"

I shrugged. "Nothing really."

By then I had caught up with him. He took my hand, "Let's take a small detour."

I snatched my hand back, "Woah. Dude we-" I indicated the two of us, "-are so not taking a detour."

He laughed. What was so funny, I didn't get. But apparently there was something hilarious. Because there he was, standing with his hands in the front pockets of his jeans, throwing his head back and laughing. Loudly. "What is so damn funny." Annoyed, I kicked him in the shins, "Hey!" That got him to stop.

"Good. Now what was so funny?" I demanded.

"The way your mind jumps to conclusions." He shot back. "There is this place I know. It's really great. Thought you might want to see it. That's all. It's got a beautiful view." He shook his head. " Don't you trust anyone?"

I shrugged, "There aren't many people I can trust."

He took my hand again and held it between both of his, "You could trust me. But that has to be your choice."

"I thought this was about us getting out of shopping. Not me getting over my trust issues." I tried to pull my hand back but he wouldn't let go.

He looked my straight in the eyes, "Do you trust me?"

I didn't say anything. He asked me again, "Right now, in this very moment, do you trust me?"

A single look into his eyes wouldn't have conviced anyone to trust him, but there was something lurking there; something swirling in there along with the grey and black. It was that swirl of emotion that made me nod and whisper, "Yes."

He smiled. A smile that made his eyes crinkle and turned one side of his mouth higher than the other. It was beautiful. "Okay then. Let's go." With the he led me off the path and into the surrounding woods. It wasn't exactly the forest, but it wasn't really on the path either. I don't really know where he took me or what direction we were going in, but we were walking for around fifteen minutes. Most of the climb was uphill, but it wasn't tiring. He helped me to climb over broken logs and such. Soon we were in a clearing. We were, on what looked like, the top of a hill. From where I was standing the sky was neverending. Grey and cloudy. The air was fresh and clean. A slight wind was blowing. You couldn't hear anything, not even the birds. As I walked further, the view took my breath away. You could see the castle. My beautiful school, on top of it's own hill. The Great Lake reflecting the dull sky, the Forbidden Forest just beyond. It was beautiful.

Another gust of wind blew the bangs off my face, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. This was amazing. Nobody for miles, just me and my thoughts.

And Sirius.

I could feel him standing next to me. I turned to him, "Thank you." I whispered.

He smiled, "I knew you'd like this place."

I flopped down on the grass and lay down, staring at the sky. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. "The only thing missing now is rain."

"You like the rain?" He asked me as he sat down next to me.

"Like?" I asked increduously, "I love the rain."

"I thought you were one of those people who hated the rain because it seemed very gloomy and depressing."

I turned to look at him. He was looking down at me, and shrugged as if to say no offence. I smiled, "I do seem like that kind of a person don't I?"

He nodded.

"Well," I sat up. " I didn't always enjoy the rain. I spent the first eight years of my life in London and god knows it rains there all the time. My dad loved the rain," I smiled as I remembered those days, "When he found out that I didn't enjoy it that much he asked me why I didn't. I told him that I didn't like the grey colour that the sky turned just before it would start to rain. When it did start, it seemed like the sky was crying. As if something bad was going to happen. When he died, I didn't think I would get over it. I didn't know how to exist in a world where my dad didn't. After his death, my grams made me spend that year in Bombay, India. She wanted me to learn about my Indian heritage and get away from all those places that reminded me of my dad. The summer there was terrible. Hot and humid. Dry and dusty. All I could think about was my dad and how I would never be happy again. But then the rain came and washed away all the dust, drove away the heat. You could smell the change in the air, the freshness. It was like a new beginning. Nature was giving me a new chance..." I trailed off. I looked at him, trying to see if he got what I meant.

When he saw me looking at him, he said, "So you don't just talk in monosyllabic sentences."

"Ha ha. Very funny." I looked away, feeling a little embarassed. Here I had told him something about me, talked to him about my dad. And he had just brushed it off.

"Hey, look at me." He said softly. But I just couldn't. "Lexie, please look at me." Something in his voice made me look. "You've convinced me." He said simply.

"Huh, what?" I muttered intelligently.

He laughed, "You've convinced me that the rain isn't something morose and morbid."

"You don't like the rain?" I asked.

"I didn't like the rain." He corrected me. "You changed that."

I smiled, "You know what really changed my mind. Have you heard the song, Your Guardian Angel by The Red jumpsuit Apparatus?"

He shook his head.

"I heard it after my dad died.

_And I know I'll be okay_

_Though my skies are turning grey."_

We stared at the castle, I don't know what he was thinking. His fingers were playing with the grass, his eyes expressionless.

"Don't call me Lexie." I told him abruptly.

"Why not?" He asked.

I sighed.

"It's not because it sounds like a goat or whatever lame excuse you gave, is it?" He asked knowingly.

"My mom used to call me that." I replied shortly. "The name brings back too many old memories. Ones that I don't want to remember."

"Then let's make new ones." He said simply.

I didn't know what to say to that and he didn't say anything else. We were silent for a long time. And it felt okay. More than okay. I was… comfortable. We sat like that, side by side for ten- fifteen minutes, neither of us saying anything. I was surprised at myself, for telling him so much about me, in so little time. But it was like Remus said, the sky didn't fall on me.

"How did you find this place?" I asked him.

He looked at me and smirked. I almost groaned, preparing myself for a cocky answer. "Well, love, I'm a Maurauder. I know everything." And for some reason that didn't piss me off. I laughed, "C'mon seriously. How did you? This place is beautiful."

"I found it with the rest of the Maurauders. We were exploring, back in third year."

Just like Dora, the explorer, I thought. I grinned, imagining Sirius as the girl in a pink t shirt and orange pants who went on imaginary adventures with her monkey. I laughed. He laughed along with me, "What?" He asked.

"You don't know why I'm laughing, still you laugh along and then you ask me why I'm laughing?"

"Yes." He said, as if it was the most obvious thing in this world.

"Nothing I just pictured you in a pink t shirt and orange shorts stumbling across this clearing with your pet monkey." And promptly burst out into laughter once again.

"Is this a muggle thing that I'm not going to understand?" He asked me dryly. Already knowing the answer to that one.

I simply nodded.

Soon my laughing melted into occasional giggles. Soon we were silent again.

I looked him, he was staring at the castle, and it seemed like he was deep in thought. Something in his eyes was different, they seemed relaxed, at ease. I felt happy that he was at ease with me. He turned and caught me looking at him. I braced myself for another cocky comment, but he just smiled at me. We were sitting pretty close, unconsciously I raised my right hand and traced the scar on his left eye brow. "How did you get it?"

His smiled, but there was something wrong with this smile. It was bitter, angry even. He looked me straight in the eye, "I got that the Christmas I went back home for the first time after my sorting. Apparently my father wasn't too happy with my being a Gryffindor."

There was a underlying emotion, something hiding behind the bitterness in his eyes. Something I recognized, it was the hurt I felt everytime I thought about my mother. Then I'd remind myself, "Just cause you share the same blood doesn't mean that they're really family." Then I realized what I had said. I looked away, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. It's not my place too."

He took my chin into his hand and made me meet his eyes. He was smiling, nothing special. It was a sad smile. "It is the truth isn't it."

Before I could say anything, a big fat drop fell on my nose. Another on Sirius' forehead. Followed by many others, too many to count or notice. It had started to rain.

That broke us apart. I looked up, and couldn't help but smile as the rain fell on my face. I felt Sirius drag my up, his voice yelling in my ear, "Are you crazy, Lexie. We have to get under some shelter. It's too cold to be getting wet." But I didn't move. I heard him swear and then I felt like the life was being squeezed for me. It was terrible. It was like I was being squeezed from every direction. And just like that the feeling disappeared. So did the rain. And the peace. I looked around, we were at a pub. Not any pub, the pub in Hogsmeade. We were at the Three Broomsticks. The noise was deafening. Especially after spending a couple of hours in the woods.

"Don't you ever apparate me anywhere without my permission." I yelled at Sirius. I hated apparition. It was the exact opposite of orbing. While orbing your molecules spread out and came together wherever you wanted them too. It was a very liberating feeling. Nothing like the suffocating feeling of apparition. He just laughed, "Well you have to get used to it. You have to learn it sometime."

I shook my head, "Never. I hate it."

He just laughed me off. He took out his wand from his pocket and waved it first at himself and then at me. Just like that, I was dry again. "Nice spell." I grinned. He just smirked and tapped at his temple with his wand. I rolled my eyes, like he'd ever let me forget. He laughed and told me to go find us some seats and headed towards the bar. To flirt with Madam Rosemarta, no doubt. I looked around and noticed Lily and James on one of the tables in the back. I caught Lily's eye, she motioned me to come over. I guess I found us some seats afterall. I made my way towards them. But on the way someone else found me. Someone I really really didn't want to talk to. Not at the moment.

"Perry."

I recognized that voice without even having to look up. "Severus."

"Did I see you come in with Black?" His tone was one of disdain.

I looked up, into his dark eyes to see anger in them. Anger and a deeper look revealed slight hurt. "Does it really matter to you?" I asked, not being rude. I really wanted to know.

But he ignored my question. "So Evans is with Potter now. And you with Black. Got tired of the other one… that dog?" He asked, not really trying to be polite.

Anger flared within me. He was the one who pushed Lily and me away. We kept trying but just for how long were we supposed to? I grabbed him by the front of his robes and pulled him towards me, "You have no right to hate us. You pushed us away. And don't you dare talk about Remus like that." I hissed through my clenched teeth.

Before Severus could reply I was pulled back harshly and suddenly Severus was pinned to the wall behind him. Sirius was in Severus' face, his face contorted with anger. "I never want to see you around her again." He said evenly, his voice laced with anger.

Severus eyes narrowed, "Don't tell me what to do, muggle-loving fool." His hands were trying to get Sirius' off his robes; needless to say it wasn't working.

Sirius pulled back a fist and before I could grab it he had swung it at Severus' face.

"What the hell is the matter with you?" I yelled. Behind me, James and Lily had appeared. James pulled Sirius away and Lily was just standing back, her expression torn and sad.

If I had paid attention I would have seen James struggling with Sirius, Remus appearing out of nowhere to help James. I would have seen the rest of them standing behind me, looking at me with disbelief. But I was too busy making sure that Severus' didn't pull out his wand. I touched his nose gently, making sure it wasn't broken and the blood flow wasn't too bad. My hands itched with the want to heal his wound but I knew I couldn't. Severus would never allow it and there were too many witnesses. Besides, I still couldn't heal. He looked at me with anger and disgust, but I didn't care. This boy was the one had convinced Lily to go to Hogwarts in the first place. He was the one who had practiced every night with me in an abandoned class room, making sure that I could perform the charms properly. He was someone who was lost, tired and hurt. He was Severus Snape and he was my friend, whether he liked it or not.

"Let's get you out of here, Captain." I spoke softly, calling him by the name that I hadn't used in years (I had noticed the likeness between his nose and a hook and since I had been reading Peter Pan then I had no choice but to call him by the name of my favourite pirate back then) but everyone behind me heard me and the gentleness in my voice. They saw Severus' eyes skim the crowds and I bet they thought it was to make sure that his Slytherin friends didn't see him leave with a Gryffindor who was a half blood. And they were right, but it wasn't because he was afraid of his reputation. It was because he wanted to protect me. And I was sure of that. After making sure that the coast was clear he looked at me and nodded. I helped him up and we walked out together, leaving the others behind. Them and their disbelief.

I entered the common room late that night. I admit it was on purpose, I didn't want to see the rest of them. I was sure that they hated me right now, were really angry with me and I had no intention of getting into another argument today. So when I crawled through the portrait hole, sure that everyone was in the beds fast asleep, you can imagine just what I must have felt when I saw each and everyone of them sitting around the fire on the couches and armchairs. Peter, Frank and Alice were sitting on the rug on the floor. I really had to try very hard not to groan out loud.

After leaving the Three Broomsticks, Severus and I had walked outside the village, found this spot on the banks of a tiny pond and silently sat down side by side. He knew about me. I still don't know why I told him. I really don't. I should be scared because of the company he keeps and what would happen if the word reached Voldemort. I hadn't thought about it then and I wasn't going to lose sleep by thinking about it now. If things came down to that I would deal with it then. Once it had become dark, we had walked back to the castle. He picked up his pace as we neared and soon he was way ahead of me. To an outsider it would have seemed as if we had come by ourselves, something he had been aiming for. And I wasn't offended or hurt. I was just tired and as I had dragged myself up through the castle all I had wanted to do was flop down on my bed and not think about today. Everything that had happened just seemed like it had happened weeks ago.

They all looked in the direction of the portrait hole and when they saw me crawl in, unconsciously they all tensed up. Sirius didn't even look away from the fire. Lily turned around, from her place in the couch and when she saw it was me she got up. I saw James' hand falling from her lap. I just looked at her and walked towards the direction of the dormitory. "Alex." Her soft but strong voice called out to me. I tensed before I turned around. I hadn't thought about what Lily would have felt when I had left with Severus. But now, the guilt had finally caught up with me. He had hurt her really badly. And now, so had I. There was no way she would understand this. I had tried to explain to her how Severus was pushing us away for our own good. That he didn't really care that he was muggle… she had told me that she just couldn't keep fighting for something that he didn't want. She was tired of feeling not wanted. So I didn't push it.

I forced myself to look in her eyes, my defenses up. As she walked towards me she said in that same voice that she had called out to me in, "Wait for me." Wait for me. Just three words and my heart felt like the lightest thing on this planet. I smiled and nodded, the gratitude shining my eyes hopefully. She smiled back. I heard somebody swear in the background, "Damn it." James stood up and shoved his hands inside the pockets of his pants and walked towards the fireplace, staring at the mantelpiece. Shaking his head, he turned towards Lily and me. "Just what is the matter with you? How can you still be so calm about this?" While his first question was directed to the both of us, there was no doubt that the second one was for Lily alone. "Don't you remember what he said to you the last time you spoke? How can you let he act like this towards him after everything?" I had never seen James so agitated before.

"I would appreciate it if you didn't speak about me as if I weren't here." I spoke just as Lily said, "I trust her."

Lily went to speak some more but I stopped her. "He is a friend. I know you can't understand why and I don't expect you too. But he is a friend and he needed my help. That's all." I looked at the back of Sirius' head, the tensing of his shoulders let me know that he knew that I was looking at him, "I didn't mean to hurt anybody's feelings. And I don't want to pick sides. I get it that you don't like him, but I trust him and he is a friend." I repeated. "You don't have to accept that but you just have to trust me."

With that I looked around at everyone. Mandy nodded at me and bounded towards me and hugged me, "If Lily is okay with it then so am I." She said as he did.

I smiled and awkwardly returned the hug.

Over Mandy's shoulder, I saw Alice smiling at me.

Frank nodded and then shrugged his shoulders, frank-speak for all is okay.

Remus too walked up to me and kissed my fore head, "He is lucky to have a friend like you."

James had his back turned towards me so I walked around him and put my arms around him. He stiffened below my touch. But he didn't pull away. "Please James. Don't be this way." He wriggled out my grasp. I tried to hide my hurt by looking at the ground but then he pulled me into his arms, "Can't hug you back when you're holding me like that." And then he whispered softly, "Talk to him. He hasn't said a word."

I nodded as I pulled away. Everyone went up to bed, leaving the two of us alone. I walked up to him and kneeled down in front of him.

He still had to look away from the fire.

I took his right hand by my hands, my thumbs running softly over his bruised knuckles. He pulled his hand back. And I wrenched it right back. And struggled with him to keep it in within mine. He gave in and I smirked in triumph. Holding his hand firmly with my right, I took out a vial from my pocket and rubbed a bit of the salve from it on his knuckles. I knew it would soothe those angry looking bruise, "Don't wash it off. The bruises will be gone by tomorrow." He looked me, deep into my eyes. It was unnerving but I didn't want to look away. I wanted to reach up, grab his face and kiss him. I really wanted to kiss him. After all, he had attacked Severus on my behalf.

"You're angry and I don't blame you. Just try to look at it from my perspective- Say you have a friend, one that would appear really bad to everyone else. But you know it's not his fault ultimately, that there is good in him that's worth fighting for. Would you still walk away?"


	7. Top of the World

**Disclaimer:** You know the drill.

I woke up the next morning a little afraid. I thought the girls had changed their minds and decided to remain angry with me, but I realized I was mistaken when Alice said, "So when are we going shopping for the dresses girls?"

I groaned. "Come on guys. The dance which I don't want to go for, by the way, is over two weeks away."

"You aren't going for the dance with Sirius." Mandy asked me.

"Well we spent a couple of hours together. After which I left with his worst enemy and he still has to speak to me after that." I pointed out dryly.

"I just assumed when you came up later that you guys had patched things over." She reasoned.

"You know what they say about assuming… It makes an ass out of you and me."

"What really happened?" Lily added.

I told them exactly what had happened. I was sitting on my bed, looking out the window as I spoke. When I turned to look at them after I was done they were looking at me as if I had stripped off my clothes and was dancing to Buttons by Pussycat Dolls on my bed.

"What?" I asked. Seriously who does everyone keep looking at me as if I have sprouted another head or something.

"Do you like him?" Mandy asked me.

"What?" I yelled. "No, I don't."

"Rubbish." Alice countered me.

"I really don't. He's arrogant and egoistic and thinks he can get away with anything. And I sure as hell don't like him. Now can we get back to the topic at hand?"

"Sure." Lily said, her eyes twinkling.

"I really don't like him." I insisted.

"I didn't say you did. Anyway you're going to go shopping with us. You're going to buy a dress and you are going to come for this dance with us this year. You hear?" Lily asked me sternly.

I groaned. I placed my hands on my hips. "I don't want to go."

But the others just smiled that saintly smile, knowing it was all talk and nothing else.

"We'll go. You'll come too." Lily started. "But…" She held up a hand when I started to interrupt. "Let's talk, shall we?" I sighed and followed her to the corner of the room.

"Look, I know this is another one of your ways of keeping your distance." Lily began softly. "This year had been even more challenging for you to maintain that because of the fact that James and I are dating. You have to spend more time with everyone and I know that all you have ever wanted is to get done with this school, turn around, walk away and never look back. I also know that in some way, you're glad that you have to keep your distance from me too." I opened my mouth to argue, but she silenced me. "I felt bad about that before, but I've had time to think about it and I know now that it's not about me or the fact that you don't care. It is because you do care. Too much, actually. You truly are different and it's not easy for you to fit it. Most would think it convoluted and stupid, but I get it Alex. I get that it's important to you. I get that you're just trying to protect yourself. But you have to realize that you're fighting a losing battle. Look at them Alex," Lily nodded at the lot of sitting around. The minute they realized that the two of us were looking at them they immediately started to talk among themselves. Subtle, I smiled. "You are already attached. You already care. They're all your friends and I know you haven't said anything to me yet, but I know that you have feelings Sirius. And that's okay too. More than that, in fact. Now, I get that you're not ready to come clean just yet, heck there are so many things that even I don't know about you. But none of this is about that right now. You're my best friend, Lexie. You've been there from the beginning. After years of not fitting in, of that feeling that there was something more that I was missing out on, I've finally found a place. And I know you've got to have felt that way to, because it's in your blood too. We're here. We've been here for nearly six years. I've found someone who I'm sure I want to spend the rest of my life with. These friends, they're the ones who are, literally, ready to die for each other. Including you. And this dance is to celebrate that feeling. Celebrate love and friendship. Family. Come and be a part of it. Please."  
There was a lump in my throat. And no matter how hard I swallowed, it didn't budge. "Lils…" I couldn't even look at her. Not till the lump disappeared. So I nodded, as I focused on the window behind Lily. "I'll go." I managed to whisper. Lily reached for my hands and grasped them tightly in her own. I focused on our linked hands, as years and years worth of memories flooded through my mind. Nothing would ever compare to what I shared with Lily. Nothing. "Lils." I whispered again. I finally looked up to meet her emerald green gaze, "I know I haven't been the best fri-" But she shook her head.

"Of course not. You're my sister, Lexie. It's totally different."

And with that we went down for breakfast.

We entered the only formal clothing store in Hogsmeade called Zara, owned by a woman called Madame Zara. Everyone walked off in different directions, looking for dresses. And I decided that I would be as enthused about this as I could get. As I browsed through a stack of grey coloured dresses I couldn't help but think of last night and Sirius. After I asked him if he would be able to walk away from a friend in need, something that I didn't get a reply to, I had given up and gone to bed. And I hadn't slept well cause all I could think of was him.

It was only because he seemed so different from what I had thought of him. He and I were quite similar. In what ways I couldn't really think of at that moment. Most people at our school loved Lily, just like they loved James. And as their best friends, people had certain thoughts as to how we were supposed to be. We were the exact opposite. We were quiet and guarded to a point where we were rude. It wasn't because we wanted to be like that, it's just how we were. And Sirius seemed to enjoy solitude just as much as I did. But he had the kind of confidence I could only hope to have. He knew what he was doing, what he believed was correct and he never changed that. Not when seventh year Lucius Malfoy and his own cousin Bellatrix Black-Lestrange attacked him in my second year. He had fought back, but it was useless. A third year against two seventh years was hopeless. But he had stood up to them. Proud, defiant. A true Gryffindor. I questioned myself time and again. Hidden in cocoon of denial, from everyone around me. I was only starting to get out, and it was still scary as hell. I was drawn to him partly because he was what I wanted to be. I wanted to know him, know why he was the way he was. And how he got there.

As I was thinking this, I had proceeded to another rack of dresses when I came across a dark blue chiffon dress. The colour was absolutely gorgeous and the material was heavenly. I had to try in on. So I made sure I had the right size then took it off the rack. The others joined me as well, having found their own dresses. While I was in the changing room, I heard the door bell tinkle, indicating that more people had entered the shop.

I pulled the dress on and pulled up the zipper that was on the side. I turned to look in the mirror and I must say I loved the dress. It was sleeveless and had a wide deep v-neck, till the middle of my sternum. The part of the dress that covered my abdomen was tight, hugging the curve of my waist and then it flowed down to my calves. The back of the dress was just as the deep as the front. The dress made my neck seem longer, my collar bone delicate, my waist tiny and my boobs bigger. There was something really magical about it. And I simply loved it. I opened the stall door and walked out barefoot and saw that the others were out too. Mandy was closest to the exit, with Alice next to her. I was next to Alice and Lily was next to me. Lily was wearing a golden sheath dress that reached her calves, and was positively glowing. Alice was in a black spaghetti strapped dressed that ended right above her knees. Mandy was in a light pink strapless flowing gown that complimented her strawberry blonde hair perfectly.

We had found our dresses.

We were just standing in front of the mirror and admiring the dresses when a familiar song started to play out the speakers. We grinned at each other,

"_I'm in like with you,"_ Mandy sang.

"_Not in love with you quite yet,"_ Alice sang the next line.

"_My heart's beginning to slightly overrule my head,"_ I was next.

"_Oh no _

_Oh no_

_My self control it won't hold up for very long,"_ Lily sang, her body swaying with the music.

"_Oh no_

_Oh no_

_You touched my soul_

_I can't help falling too fast for you_.

_Can you hold on a bit_

_Stop before we go,"_ We all sang together, dancing in changing area outside our cubicles in the fancy dresses.

"_Cause I might need a moment_

_And I wouldn't want to spoil it," _I pretended that I was holding a mike with my right hand, my left hand raised above my body, playing with my hair and my shoulders and hips swaying to the music.

"_Who knows," _We all but screamed.

"_If I am _

_Ready or not," _Lily sang, as she grabbed my hands and together we danced in a circle. Mandy and Alice were dancing with each other.

"_Only time will tell_

_Who knows if we are_

_Ready to make this something,"_ Alice sang, her eyes closed, her head swinging from side to side.

"_Who knows_

_Maybe this is love _

_But I haven't fallen in quite yet_

_Oh no _

_Oh no_

_My self control it won't hold up for very long_

_Oh no_

_Oh no_

_You touched my soul_

_I can't help falling too fast for you,"_ We exchanged partners, losing ourselves, singing and dancing. Having a moment with each other. Eyes closed, fingers snapping, hips moving in time to the music. Who cared if we weren't singing all that well? We were having fun and that was all that mattered.

"_Can you hold on a bit_

_Stop before we go_

_Cause I might need a moment_

_And I wouldn't want to spoil it, _aah!" I had somehow ended up in Mandy's position near the entrance of the changing area. I was singing the loudest, the others dancing more than singing. I had been dancing with my back to the entrance. As I turned around I saw four pairs of amused eyes staring at us. I yelled pretty loudly, which made the others stop, and stopped dancing. The sudden change in momentum threw me off and tripped over my own feet. I was going to fall backwards, which was going to be really painful. I clenched my eyes shut and stiffened, knowing fully that I couldn't orb. I stopped falling, but the pain didn't come. I opened one eye and saw pair of highly amused grey eyes. I opened my other eye and the view didn't change.

He caught me.

He actually caught me. The fact that he was amused didn't seem to put a damper on it because not only did he catch me but I could feel him. Not like that! He had me pressed to him so I could feel his strong body, his warm hands were on my bare back and his mouth was quirked, betraying just how amused he was. Thankful, I closed my eyes, "Shit."

"I'm sorry, love. Would you rather be on the cold, hard floor?" Even his voice sounded amused. I opened my eyes, "It was a thankful 'shit'." I whispered.

"Really now?" He raised an eye brow.

"Yes, really." I'mnotgoingtoblush. I'mnotgoingtoblush.

"Good to know." And he pulled me up, but didn't let go, which was a good thing because my legs were shaky, the blood was rushing to my brain. I could feel a lot of excitement, nervousness and lust (not that it surprised me. I mean come on; I was in a room full of teenagers, most of whom had feelings for each other. They might not say anything about it, or even act on it, but that doesn't mean that they didn't feel it.) I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to control myself, the feelings that were radiating of Frank especially, were just too much to handle. I wish he would tell Alice what he felt and fast.

Once I was sure that I could stand on my feet, I stepped back, leaning against the wall and cleared my throat. I hated weird silences. "So yeah…" I trailed off.

"How long have you been standing here?" Alice asked looking at Frank, who looked slightly dazed.

"Long enough." James answered. He looked at Lily and smiled, his eyes lighting up, "I love the dress."

She smiled back and nodded, "Me too."

Frank whistled. Everyone looked at him, so he shrugged. "What? That was something. Four beautiful girls singing and dancing like that. You can't expect me not to whistle."

Remus chuckled and nodded; James grinned and Sirius still had that amused look in his eyes, lips quirked. The girls shook their heads, I just slid down the wall and sat down, trying the catch my breath. I don't think anyone missed Alice's blush at Frank's 'beautiful girls' statement.

Mandy, Alice and Lily got into the cubicles to change, no doubt. They got out, back in their regular outfits, their dresses thrown over their arms. Mandy and Alice left, Remus and Frank following them. Lily looked at me, still sitting on the floor, "You going to get it?"

I shrugged, "Don't know yet."

"It looks good."

"I guess."

"You going to get out of it?"

"Give me a minute." And I did need one. Yesterday he was pissed off with me to the extent where he didn't speak to me at all. Today he's amused by me, catching me before I fall and most importantly he is talking to me. He called me 'love'! Breathe, Alex, breathe. "You go ring up yours. I'll be out in a few."

She left with James. I rested my head on the wall and closed my eyes.

I felt someone sit down next to me. Oh, I wonder who it is.

"You should buy it." He said, his deep voice washing over me.

"It's pointless. I don't want to go for the dance." I sighed.

"Well it's not because you're embarrassed of dancing 'cause you dance really well."

I laughed, shaking my head, "If you say so."

And just like that things were quiet again. It was only a few moments before things would turn awkward. So I moved to get up when he rested his hand on my thigh. "About yesterday." He started.

"Sirius, I-" He cut me off before I could say anything else.

"You were right. If I had a friend like that I would do everything in my power to keep him from falling apart." I looked at him in surprise knowing just what a big deal it was for him to admit to something like this. Especially about Severus. "But I still don't like him."

I grinned, "You don't have to."

His eyes grew dark, but it wasn't because of anger. "But I like you." He said.

Predictably, my stomach tightened and my palms started to sweat.

He brought up one hand to cup my cheek, "Go to the dance with me."

I closed my mouth, how and when it opened I don't know and swallowed. Abruptly, I stood up, "I should get out of this dress. Excuse me."

I entered the changing room and when I turned around to shut the door I realized I couldn't cause he was standing in the doorway. Not trusting myself to say anything, I placed my palm on his chest to push him away but he used that hand to pull me towards him. And before I could say or do anything he covered my mouth with his own. He was kissing me. Kissing. Me. His arms went around me, pulling me closer, his mouth moving against mine. I was frozen, but Jesus! His kiss was maddening. I'd have to be a stone statue to not be affected. I lifted my arms and linked them behind his neck. His arms around me tightened. I stood up on the tips of my toes and kissed him back, running my fingers through his long hair. He groaned. His mouth was hot and demanding as it moved with mine. I felt him nip my lower lip and then soothe it by running his tongue across its length. Barely suppressing a moan, I opened my mouth. Jesus, Sirius Black was some kisser. That's when I finally registered the fact that I was kissing Sirius Black. Sirius Black. I immediately pulled away, though a part of my brain and the rest of my body protested.

My arms were still linked behind his neck and his were snug around my waist. We were both breathing heavily, our chests heaving together. I licked my lips and tasted peppermint. I dropped my hands and tried to pull away but he wouldn't let me go. I placed my hands on his chest and tried to push him away but he didn't even budge.

"Let me go." I said, feeling really weak for some reason.

"Not until you give me an answer." He said firmly.

"You didn't ask a question." I retorted.

He rolled his eyes, "You're a smart one, aren't you?"

"I'd like to think so, yes." It was so difficult to answer, especially when he was so damn close to me and when his freaking fingers were drawing circles on my bare back.

He chuckled. I could feel it coming from deep within his chest.

"Fine. A guy must do what a guy's got to do." He smirked. "Will you go to the winter dance with me?" He was looking deep into my eyes, but I looked away and said, "No."

It was impossible, but his arms on my waist tightened, pulling me even closer. "Why not?" His face was inches from my own, his peppermint breath cool on my tingling lips.

"Because I don't want to." I struggled, "Now let me go before someone walks in here."

"I like you." He repeated and the weakness returned.

"Well I don't like you so let me go."

"Really now," He said in the arrogant tone that grated on my nerves, "because something else tells me otherwise."

I raised my chin, "What does?"

"This." He smirked and then kissed me again. This time it was a slow kiss, like he had all the time in the world and all he wanted to do was kiss me. I could feel him everywhere. His hands on my waist, mouth on my own, chest against mine. I was seeing red beneath my eyelids. I tried hard, really hard but in the end I had to kiss him back. I just couldn't not. That's when he pulled back.

He didn't say anything. He didn't need too. His smirk said it all.

I rolled my eyes. "Just because I kissed you back doesn't mean I like you. It just means you're a good kisser."

"Good then. Take advantage of my stellar kissing skills." He said shamelessly.

I raised an eyebrow, "Don't confuse me with Goldberg." I said coldly.

I dipped his head closer, "I would never mistake you for Angelica." He said in his smooth, deep voice. Just listening to it sent a shiver down my spine.

"Come on," he urged, "Go to the dance with me. And lunch after that… maybe even dinner." His lips brushed against mine at every word he spoke.

"Are you asking me out?" I asked incredulously.

"Have you been listening to me?" He asked me in return.

"But I thought this was just for the dance… You want to date me? You want us to date?" And just like that I started to laugh.

"We fight all the time." I said.

"So?" He shot back.

"So… one of us would end up dead before the date was over." I told him dryly.

"I highly doubt that." He said seriously. They way he was looking at me, I knew he was being serious. About everything. But I couldn't date him. He was Sirius Black. An intelligent, talented, gorgeous guy. And if I went out with him I would fall for him no doubt. Then he would break my heart. And then what? I had seen Mandy after the break up… several other girls crying in bathroom stalls. I wasn't about to become one of them.

I met his eyes squarely, "I'm not going to end up like one of your groupies."

"I wouldn't do that to you." He was just as serious.

"I bet you told that to each and every one of them." I shot back.

I didn't need that look in his eyes to know that he hadn't. I knew Sirius dated quite a few girls… but the rest were just rumours spread by girls with nothing else to do. But what about his history with Goldberg. Also I would have to tell him about my Wicca stuff… and I didn't want to. I just didn't want to tell anyone about it. It wasn't that I didn't trust him, I did. More than I should… but it's not anything could be done about it now.

I looked away and sighed, "I can't." I whispered.

His one arm moved from my waist to the back of my neck and pulled me towards him and then he held me there. One hand running up and down my back, "It's just a date. Hopefully, by the end of the evening, I will have gotten so tired of your smart ass mouth and your grumpy attitude that I'll never want to kiss you again."

I pulled back and socked his arm, "I do not have a smart ass mouth and a grumpy attitude you jerk."

His eyes crinkled dangerously, "Prove it."

"What?"

"Go out with me and prove that you aren't just someone with a smart ass mouth and a grumpy attitude." He challenged me. Fuck. I couldn't back away now.

"Fine. I'll go to that damn dance with you. And for the record I don't want to kiss you ever again, you aren't that good of a kisser anyway." I waited for lightening to strike me for that whopper.

"Oh we both know I'm a great kisser." That damn smirk, I wanted to slap it off his face.

He let me go, only after kissing me on the forehead.

I slammed the door and locked it shut. But that didn't block out his hearty chuckle. Neither did it stop my heart from skipping a beat when I heard it.

"Bastard." I called out. But as usual, he didn't reply.

**A/N:** Hope you guys enjoyed it. Please do read and review. Also thank you to everyone who has reviewed before.


	8. Head Over Feet

**Disclaimer:** The song belongs to Alanis Morissette.

**I had no choice but to hear you**  
**You stated your case time and again**  
**I thought about it**  
**Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole**  
**You're so much braver than I gave you credit for**  
**That's not lip service**  
**You've already won me over in spite of me**  
**Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet**  
**And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are**  
**I couldn't help it**  
**It's all your fault**

"Perry, exchange places with Parkinson." Slughorn boomed from his desk.

Lily cringed but quickly rearranged her features into a dazzling smile and straightened her neck to look at Sluggy. "Please Professor-"

"No, Ms. Evans." Sluggy wasn't in a mood to be dazzled, not even by his star pupil. "I've asked the class to work quietly, twice. If you aren't going to listen to me then I'm going to make you. Butler, right here." He pointed a beefy finger to the seat right in the front.

Lily opened her mouth to try one more time but shut it the moment Slughorn thundered, "Now Perry. Move."

Muttering under my breath, I shoved my books into my bag and started to walk towards the seat vacated by Parkinson. The look he gave me for making him move promised retribution. I just smirked past him and dropped my bag on the floor by the empty seat. As I sank into the chair, the person turned his face to greet me. For a second, I froze. How could he be here, in a sixth year class when he was a seventh year? That face, those grey eyes. Foolishly I opened my mouth to ask him when I noticed the differences between the face that I pictured often in my mind and the one that was in front of me. The person next to me looked younger. Despite the fact that he was sitting I could tell that he was shorter than his brother by two maybe three inches. His hair was neatly combed back, not falling elegantly into his eyes. And his eyes, they were more blue than grey. And so expressive compared to those piercing hooded greys that drew me to him in the first place. The person in front of me did not have a scar on his left eyebrow and his face was slightly smaller but just as good looking, or least that was the popular belief.

"Regulus Black." He greeted me, nodding his head.

My response was to simply arch my eye brow. Since when did Slytherins socialize with Gryffindors?

He grinned at my expression, making him seem more boyish. "I could be rotten to you, if that's what you want. But since we've got to work together," he nodded towards Slughorn who was droning about some project that we were supposed to work on with our partners, "I'd rather we at least pretend to get along."

I shrugged. "Ground rules. No name calling and no insulting my house or my friends."

This time he laughed. "I won't if you won't."

I had never encountered Regulus Black before. We shared the same classes so I knew he was smart and that he played Quidditch. He was chaser for the Slytherin, one of the very few who played a relatively clean game. We had never really interacted before. I didn't have a real opinion about him and from what I heard it seemed that he was very conflicted about his own beliefs about the wizarding world and his parents'. Unlike his brother, Regulus was so eager to please his parents that he was willing to put aside his own beliefs to be accepted by them.

"Alex Perry."

I was still reeling from the physical similarities between the two brothers. So Regulus' hair was combed back, his eyes slightly more blue and the fact that my head reached the base of his neck instead of his chest just seemed so minor right now. They had the same cheek bones, the same nose, and the same strong neck. And their voices! All I had to do was just close my eyes and it could have been Sirius talking to me.

"So," He started, "rumour has it that Sluggy's going to go to Dumbledore to ask him if we can brew the love potion and try it out with our potions partners." He told me.

That cracked me up.

"It's not that funny." Regulus told him, his voice amused.

"Parkinson is my partner for that assignment." I told him.

That got him laughing as well. "Goyle is mine." He told me. And we both started to laugh together.

And for the rest of the class we worked together, talking and laughing as quietly as we could as we discussed the funniest couples.

The class ended sooner than I anticipated and couldn't help but chuckle as I packed my stuff. Who knew that I'd get along with Regulus Black, a Slytherin, when I couldn't get along with his brother who I spent so much of my time with? The class was empty, Lily must have rushed out to catch up with James and start the weekend early no doubt. As Regulus held the class door open for me he laughed to himself before he told me the latest couple he'd thought of. "Filch and Peeves."

The picture of the surly Hogwarts caretaker, who spent most of his time chasing around mischievous students and the rest of it trying to instill the fear of God in Peeves, our errant poltergeist, who most believed was here only to torment Filch falling in love with each other was hysterical. In dire need of support as I laughed my head off, I reached up and placed my hand on Regulus' shoulder as his arm came around my waist, anchoring me to him. But something didn't feel right. It felt like someone was watching me, so I opened my eyes. Regulus, having realized something was off, looked around. The moment his eyes rested on his brother lounging on the wall opposite the class room door he stopped laughing. It took me a while longer to realize who was standing outside my class. But the second I recognized him, my laughter died a quick and miserable death. Regulus' hand fell from my waist and I stepped away. Sirius stood there impassively, leaning against the wall, his arms crossed. He didn't even spare a glance in my direction, just kept looking at his brother.

Everyone knew that the Black brothers didn't get along. Heck Sirius didn't get along with anyone whose last name was Black or from Slytherin and Regulus was both.

"Sirius." Regulus greeted evenly.

"Regulus." Sirius nodded; his lips frighteningly thin.

As I looked from one brother to another, I couldn't help but think how anyone could even think of comparing Regulus to Sirius. The older brother had this whole dark, brooding thing going for him, the messy yet elegant hair, the light stubble- there was something so mysterious, so inexplicable about him that drew all attention to him. Even if Sirius wasn't as good looking as he was, he'd still grab more attention than Regulus. Now that I had heard them both speak to each other, Sirius' voice was smooth, deeper than Regulus'. Sirius was taller, built more powerfully- God why was I comparing them again? Why had I been talking to Regulus, hoping that it was Sirius I was getting along that well with? Why was I thinking about Sirius so much lately? What was wrong with my stupid brain?

Sirius' gaze flickered towards me and dropped to my waist before meeting Regulus' gaze again. I don't know what passed between the two brothers, but Regulus grinned and shook his head.

Turning to me, he said, "So I'll see you later." We had decided to meet after dinner and start off on our essay. Before I could do anything about it, he bent down to brush his lips against my cheek and walked away.

I stood there for a couple of seconds, stunned.

"So," I asked, "what are you doing here?" I turned to face Sirius.

"I think," Sirius' asked in a controlled voice, "the more important question is what were you doing there?"

I just crossed my arms, waiting for him to elaborate.

"With my brother." He bit out.

"Nothing." I told him honestly, even though it was none of his business. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I know he is good looking and charming, but he's not someone you want to date." Sirius informed me.

The ludicrousness of the situation made me laugh. I turned away from Sirius and started to walk towards the Great Hall for dinner. But I was stopped short when Sirius grabbed my right arm and made me turn around to face him. He wrapped his other hand on my left arm and pulled me closer.

"Lexie, did you hear what I just said?" He growled.

I placed my hands on his chest, tried to shove him away but he was too strong.

"Let me go Black." I told him icily.

"Did you hear me?" He asked me, ignoring me.

"Yes, I heard you damnit, now let me go."

"So you are not going to meet him later?"

I rolled my eyes, "Yes I am. Let me go, Black." I repeated.

"Merlin." He growled as he rolled his eyes. "Lex-"

"I have told you not to call me Lexie a million times. Now, Let. Me. Go." I enunciated.

"You didn't have a problem with my brother holding you just minutes ago. You willingly crawl in Remus' arms so what's the problem with me?" He pulled me closer, forcing me to look into his blazing eyes.

"I do not crawl into Remus' arms." I told him, trying to ignore the way my stomach clenched. There should have been nothing attractive about the way a lock of hair was falling into his eyes, but it was. So attractive. Anger had sharpened his features, giving a razor edge to his prominent cheekbones, his eyes dark and slashing. "And did I mention it's none of your business?"

Sirius didn't respond to what I said. Infact all he seemed to be doing was looking at me intently AKA glaring at me. My heart was beating so fast I could hear the pounding in my head. I licked my lower lip nervously. Sirius' gaze lowered to my mouth and then it lazily traced the contours of my face. He took his time, letting his gaze linger at my lips then my cheeks, rising lazily to trace my nose, my forehead before his eyes met mine. Even though his hands were still gripping my arms, I could feel his touch wherever his eyes lingered. The moment his eyes met mine my stomach tightened further- those gleaming eyes were a steely blue and he shifted closer. This strange wave of weakness washed over my body and if it hadn't been for Sirius' grip on my arms, my legs would have give out. Sirius dipped his head and I ducked. He cocked an eye brow questioningly.

"Don't." I whispered.

"Don't what?" He wanted to know.

"Kiss me." I knew that if he kissed me, I'd kiss him back and I couldn't have that. I didn't have much experience with kissing but I knew enough to know that Sirius would be an exceptional kisser. With a mouth like that, who wouldn't? If he kissed me, I would kiss him back and things would escalate. And one of us would end up hurting the other. Besides this was Sirius Black! I hated him and his damn dating habits. What the hell was I thinking? I couldn't date him. I couldn't even think about dating him. Or kissing him. Or about how nice his chest felt beneath my hands, the increased tempo of his own heart indicating that he was just as affected by this as I was. After realizing that my last statement could be misinterpreted, I cleared my throat before repeating myself. "Don't kiss me."

"I have to." He murmured and closed the gap. My eyes fluttered shut. His lips ghosted over mine once, twice… I lost count. It was maddening. I wanted more. I wanted real contact. I wanted it all. But the anticipation of the next fleeting touch, the whisper of his peppermint breath cooling my lips and cheek made this feel better than any full contact kiss. His hand was on my waist, his strong fingers holding me by the curve of my waist and the other at the back of my head, holding it in place. After a couple of seconds, or was it minutes, maybe even hours- who knew? I got tired of the butterfly kisses and I arched up, wanting the real thing. That's when he pulled away. My eyes opened lazily, my blood roaring in my ears as it finally flowed back into my brain. And that's when I wrenched out of his grasp. What had I done?

"I-" I didn't know what to say. I had kissed Sirius Black. Heck, I'd kissed a guy. I'd had my first kiss. Goddamnit! My first kiss was wasted on Sirius fucking Black. "What the hell!" Blood rushed to my face when I remembered that I had wanted to deepen the kiss. That he had pulled away first.

"I apologize." He said finally.

"You apologize?!" I sputtered. What was about this guy that made me sputter and seem like a blubbering idiot without an iota of self control? I was openly hostile one minute or rambling nervously the next. The rest of the time I was telling him things about me I wouldn't dream of telling others, enjoying his company. I was only this way with Lily. It had taken me years to get comfortable around the others, after being forced to spend time with them one way or another.

"What the hell!" At least my brain was capable of forming words. My body was still reeling from the kiss, or was it kisses? My heart, at the rate it was going, was going to give out any second now. My skin was hot and flushed and my hands were shaking. I didn't even want to think about my throbbing lips. "You- you…that was- my first… You… " Alex, either think of something to say or shut up. There was no point in making a bigger fool of yourself for no reason.

Shockingly, Sirius' mouth curved slightly into what seemed like an indulgent smile. "If you even think about saying anything along the lines of how you've kissed me speechless, I will kill you." I growled through my teeth. I heaved an internal sigh of relief, my mental faculties were returning.

"Wouldn't think of it, love." His voice sounded deeper, huskier. Arrogant bastard cried my brain; my stomach just fluttered. The way he was looking at me, made me want to run a hand over my face and through my hair just to make sure there was nothing out of the ordinary. I shoved my hands into my pockets and turned away.

"Lexie." He called gently. I groaned at the nickname but I waited for him to continue. "Look at me."

No way. Looking at him was bad enough, but looking at him look at me the way he was looking was even worse. I heard him sigh and walk up behind me. He placed his hands on my shoulders and I felt him bend his head. His breath was warm on my ear and despite everything I was telling myself, I shivered.

"I'm sorry about manhandling you. Again." He whispered. "But I, most definitely, am not sorry about kissing you. I don't want you seeing my brother."

The gentleness in his tone and in his touch drove the fight from my body and I infinitesimally leaned back into him. "That was my first kiss." I admitted in a voice that people admit to weaknesses in.

"I'm still not sorry." He repeated.

"Well, considering the arrogant jerk that you are, I didn't expect you to be." I needed to say that. Something that wasn't nice or revealing, something that helped to get my bearings back. I guessed he figured that out cause he didn't say anything. Despite the fact that I was in his embrace, that we'd just kissed, that he wouldn't let me go- I didn't feel crowded. For what seemed like the millionth time I realized how much I enjoyed his company.

"We're meeting in the library to work on a potions assignment." I told him.

I felt his lips curve against the shell of my ear. "I'm relieved." I could hear the, dare I say it, gladness in his voice. But it was nothing compared my own relief. I was glad that he knew I wasn't interested in his brother. But I wasn't interested in him either. Oh man, who was I kidding?

"I shouldn't be here." I told him as he shifted his body closer, sliding his palm over my abdomen. Could he feel my stomach contracting?

"Where?" He asked.

"Here. With you." I admitted.

"Neither should I." His nose bumped my temple. "James and Remus would kill me."

I snorted. "Maurauders turning on themselves? Hell would freeze over sooner."

"We fight, love." He told me.

"Hardly. Other than that time last year when you guys didn't even look at each other for a month, I've never heard you guys even raise your voices at each other."

"You remember that?" He asked me casually as if we regularly had conversation with his arms around me.

"Who doesn't?" I asked him. "James was spitting mad. Remus was almost violent." A shudder ran down my spine which I'm sure Sirius felt. His arm around me tightened. "I remember the tutoring session immediately after the fight. His eyes were bloodshot and knuckles bruised. That was the only time he's ever lost his temper at me. His patience was non existent."

"I bet he apologized later. Profusely."

I smiled. "Oh yeah. He actually wrote an essay for me." Sirius chuckled. "And he bought me enough candy that lasted me a month."

"You seem easy to please, love. A little help with Charms and candy seem to put you right." Was that a smirk I heard?

I turned my head to glare at him. "You forget how much candy I eat. I could clean out your savings."

"Maybe Moony's. I'm a Black. I doubt even you could eat my money away."

"Whatever." I muttered, turning my head. I didn't want to argue when I was this comfortable. When everything was so silent despite the fact that I was in company. When I was actually happy.

"What? No snappy comeback?" What was he so damn smug about?

"A couple." I told him. "But…" I shook my head.

"But." He prompted me.

I shrugged. "I guess… I don't wanna spoil the moment." I admitted.

"I know what you mean." He told me earnestly, nudging my ear with his nose, his breath warm on my neck.

We were silent for a couple of minutes. "Er, Black?"

"What, love?"

"It's a little weird now. Standing in an empty corridor. And I bet your back hurts."

Sirius chuckled and I felt his chest vibrate against my back. "Why don't you just admit that you're hungry."

"Fine." I grumbled. "I'm hungry."

"That's better." He kissed me ear and then moved away. My body was acutely aware of the loss of his body heat. "Let's go."

"Why were you waiting outside my class anyway?" I asked him.

"James and I were working on our potions assignment in the other room. We met Lily outside. She left with James and asked me to wait for you and tell you where she was."

"I figured she and James would want to start the weekend early." I smiled.

He took my hand and led the way to the Great Hall. I didn't miss the subtle way he dropped his hold the moment we entered the Hall. Neither did I miss the hurt that tiny action caused me.

* * *

I managed to crawl through the portrait hole without falling on my face. My muscles were taut with exhaustion. It had been a very long and tiring day and the study session with Regulus had stretched out longer than either of us had imagined. Once we'd found our reference books and started writing the essay, we hadn't been able to stop till it was complete. An assignment that was due in a week was finished in a day.

"So how was your meeting with Regulus?" Sirius seemed to appear from nowhere.

I had expected that. After dinner, I'd left the table early, not wanting to be late for the study session. Sirius had tracked me with his eyes till I'd shut the Great Hall doors behind me, I'd felt it. I'm pretty sure I caught a glimpse of him lingering in the library behind the bookcase that held all the astronomy books. I just didn't think I would see him tonight. I was so tired, all I wanted to do was take the potion that would keep everyone's thoughts and emotions and sleep till noon of tomorrow.

"The usual." I told him tiredly as I managed to reach the couch and sank into it, dropping my book bag with a thud. "He tried to attack me to defend the honour of his house and family. I fought back, killed him and rolled his body in to the Lake. Madam Pince was most displeased about the blood splatters on the carpet, but after I cleaned them up she seemed okay."

"A wonderful thought." He replied drolly. "Seriously?"

"It was actually pretty wonderful. We get along perfectly and even managed to finish the essay. I guess the only reason Sluggy gave us till next week was because most of the partnering is Gryffindor Slytherin and it's been a long time since anyone died in school." I dropped my head back on the couch and shut my eyes. I felt the couch dip as he took a seat next to me.

"My brother didn't try anything funny?" Paranoid much?

"You were there. Did you see him do anything funny?"

His silence confirmed my suspicions. "I'm a big girl, Sirius. I can take care of myself."

"Yes, well underneath all that charm my brother is nothing but a randy ponce."

That drew a short laugh from me. I loved British slang. "Well he didn't act like a horny jerk with me."

"You really don't think before saying something, do you?"

"You're the one who called him a randy ponce. I'm just translating into human english."

He simply snorted.

"He's really not all that bad." I told Sirius. "You should give him a chance."

"This coming from the girl who hates everything about her mother. You won't even give Jenna a chance." His sarcasm was cutting.

I turned my head to look at him and opened my eyes. "My mother abandoned me." I reminded him. "What's your excuse?"

"There are more than one ways to abandon a person." Sirius said enigmatically.I waited for him to elaborate.

"I'm not like my family." That sentence was unnecessary, everyone knew that. "While my parents aren't Death Eaters, they believe in everything Voldemort believes. Blood, money, prestige, power- these are the only things that matter to them. I don't agree with them."

"While my disagreements with my family aren't that extreme, we have, on occasion, had huge blow outs and crap, but I could never hate them the way you seem to hate your brother."

"The only reason he's with my parents, living the extravagant life of the prized son, is because he is too scared to lead a life without them, without the comforts that they can offer him." He told me in a tightly restrained voice.

"And you're with them because-?" I was fascinated.

He snorted. "I left home last year." He what? He must have noticed the shock on my face. "You don't know what it was like… living in that house that glorifies everything you hate, that isn't right. Being hated by people who're supposed to love you despite any flaw you might have, simply because you don't follow their idealogies, their thoughts." I saw his shoulders tighten, but his face remained impassive.

Wow. I had never… Who would have thought Sirius Black was a man of principles, a man of beliefs.

"How… Wow." I looked at him. This time he looked different to me, like I was finally seeing something that James and Remus saw everyday- the reason why Gideon, Fabian and the other guys admired him. They knew this Sirius. "I could never imagine leaving my family. Of course, they're not prejudiced or anything… but still, I doubt I'd ever have the strength to leave them."

Sirius walked up to me. "As far as I'm concerned, they aren't my family. James, Remus and Peter- they're my family. Gryffindor tower is home."

I opened my mouth to say something but then I shut it again.

"What?" He asked me.

"Nothing." I shook my head. He wouldn't like to hear what I had to say.

"Tell me." He said gently.

"Would you get mad if I told you that I get what your brother is feeling." His features contorted into a delicate frown. "I get the need for that acceptance… the want for that stable care in your life. It's difficult to walk away from it. No matter what the cost."

"I never thought of it like that."

"You're strong." I shrugged. A bang slid across my forehead and right into my eyes. "For the rest of us, that need to please family is like a compulsion. Lily for example. Her sister Petunia, she's so jealous of the fact that Lily's a witch and she isn't. She's unbearably rude to Lily, calling her a freak, refusing to talk to her… But still Lily tries to be nice to her. While it angers me to see Lily try so hard, I know where that feeling comes from."

I still couldn't tell what he was thinking, his expression gave nothing away. Slowly he lifted a hand and brushed my bang away. "You're beautiful." I snorted. What were we talking about and what was he saying? And I was okay looking, most definitely not beautiful. "You are." He insisted. "And pretty strong yourself. I reckon, I found my family here. I always knew I stood out back at Grimmauld Place. My parent's home." He explained when he saw my confused expression. "Lily must have been close with her sister before coming to Hogwarts." They had been.

"You've never been close with your family?" I asked him. "What about Regulus?"

"Why is that you will call him by his given name but you keep calling me Black?" He asked me instead.

"Must you answer every question of mine with a question of your own?" Annoyance was laced with my words.

"We used to be, a long time ago." He admitted.

"What happened?" I asked, anxious to hear the answer.

"Life." His smile was ironic. "I came here and met my real brothers." I could hear the happiness in his voice.

"You're happy now?" I asked him. I wanted to know. I didn't know why his answer was so important to me, but apprehension at a potential refusal tightened my belly.

"Yes." He said simply.

"You have no regrets?"

"There are many things that I'd rather never happened, but no I don't want a do over."

"How did you get here?"

"Simple." He looked me straight in the eyes. "I stopped thinking about the what if's and accepted what is. Believe in yourself and let go of your fear."

**I've never felt this healthy before**  
**I've never wanted something rational**  
**I am aware now**  
**I am aware now**  
**You've already won me over in spite of me**  
**And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet**  
**Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are**  
**I couldn't help it**  
**It's all your fault**

**A/N:** Please review!


	9. Look what you've done

**Disclaimer: **The Harry Potter and all it's characters belong to J. K. Rowling. The song belongs to Jet.

**Oh, look what you've done**  
**You've made a fool of everyone**  
**Oh well, it seems likes such fun**  
**Until you lose what you had won**

At the moment, a person rotting in hell paled in comparison to me. Every teacher had assigned a ton of homework; it was as if they had forgotten that the students had other classes to work for as well. I was up till late most nights trying to stay on top of my schoolwork. The weather was nasty; the freezing air and wet snow making it impossible for me to run anymore. The lack of exercise and spending all my time with people was starting to get onto my nerves. I would wake up with the others, eat my meals with them, go to class with them, study with them and by the time they were done with their day and me with mine, I was dead on my feet. The only time I got away was the time I spent in the bathroom and there wasn't time to linger in there either. The exhaustion and the feeling of being cooped was wrecking havoc on my ability to maintain my telepathic and empathic blocks, making me even more frustrated. And the fact that it would be my birthday in approximately 10 minutes was the proverbial fly buzzing over a pile of crap.

"I hate studying for the NEWTs. These tyrants are going to kill us with all this schoolwork." Peter moaned as he slammed a reference book shut.

Peter had been moaning about something or the other all evening and the fact that I hadn't said a word testified to my vast treasures of patience. It was nearly one in the morning and now that treasure was spent empty.

"I'm starving and we've missed dinner again. This is not good."

"Peter, your mouth is open, sound is coming from it. This is never good."

"Alex." Lily chided my softly. "You've been snapping at everything and everyone all week. You have got to stop; they're getting tired of it." Thankfully she was sitting right next to me, so no one else heard her.

"I don't care." I replied, I shot her a quick glance and faked a sickly sweet smile at Peter, who looked stunned.

The fact of the matter was that everyone wasn't tired of me, they were annoyed with me. Frank wasn't talking to me; I had managed to reduce Mandy to tears which had made Alice mad with me. Even James was short with me. Heck, Remus, who had become quite protective of Jenna, had quite nearly yelled at me for the way I was treating her.

"Alex, you have to stop. All week you've been speaking without giving it much thought and I haven't said anything. I understand that you're tired like the rest of us, so I haven't told anyone just how annoying you've been. Care to return the favour?"

Unfortunately for Peter's attempt at getting me to behave reasonably, I was in full form. "That's great Peter, you don't tell anyone I'm annoying and I won't tell anyone that you're a moron." As if on cue, the small alarm clock that was in my bag went off. Happy Birthday to me, I thought bitterly as I gathered all my books and headed up to the dorm. I dumped them on the bed and changed into a pair of black skinny jeans and a black turtleneck. I gathered my hair into a messy high ponytail and pulled on my converse. After I was done, I headed back down.

"You're going somewhere?" Remus asked.

"Nope. I was just tired of the comfortable clothes I was wearing." I replied tartly.

I saw his lips thin and irritation flash in his eyes, but I didn't apologize. I just nodded at Lily and walked towards the portrait hole.

"Wait." I froze.

"Lily, whatever you have to say, save it. I'm not interested."

"I just wanted to tell you to take care." I didn't bother hiding the irritation on my face as my eyes flickered back to the others.

"Like I said, I don't want to hear it." I controlled the urge to flinch when I saw the pain in her eyes.

Lily's gaze shifted to the backpack in my hands, "Will I see you in the morning?"

"Unlikely."

"What about the essay that is due tomorrow?"

"I'll hand it to Flitwick when I get back." I checked the clock that sat on the mantelpiece impatiently. "I have to go-"

"When will you get back?"

I rolled my eyes. "I don't know Lily. I don't have an itinerary written."

"Give me your essay. I'll turn it in."

I heard Alice snort. I tilted my head to look at her as I asked, "You want to say something?"

Alice ignored me as she stared at Lily's back. "How can you still be nice to her?"

"Stay out of it Alice." Lily's voice sounded a little scary, even to me.

"No I won't." Alice sounded just as angry. "Aren't we your friends too, Lily? How is it that she can be as rude as she likes with us but we can't even question it, let alone retaliate? I'm so tired of this rubbish and it stops now."

"So what are you saying?" Lily's voice sounded chilly as she turned slowly to face Alice and the others. "You're telling me to choose, is that what you're saying?"

"Maybe I am." Alice lifted her chin defiantly. "Maybe we all are." Mandy added in her small voice. "I can't keep up anymore, Lily. One day she's dumping spaghetti on the head of a girl bullying me and the next she's ridiculing me for the choices I make. It's confusing and I can't make out if she really is my friend or not. Her anger, the mood swings, the unexplained behaviour, I've had enough."

The others didn't notice the slight falling of Lily's shoulders, but my proximity to her ensured that I didn't miss that slight movement.

"You're not going to take the fall for this." I whispered.

"You can keep quiet." Lily told me. I reared back. Anyone with sense would when they heard Lily use that tone.

"Are you then?" Lily asked again. "I need you to be sure."

Alice simply lifted her chin higher, Mandy nodded, Frank said yes out loud along with Peter. I looked at James, Remus and Sirius- what would they say?

"Remus?" The question was evident in Lily's voice.

I saw his amber eyes look at the others and then at Lily and finally met mine over Lily's shoulder. I saw him then look at Jenna, who was sitting there with a fearful expression on her face. That's when I knew. And when he nodded curtly, my chest contracted painfully.

"James?" Lily's voice had lost some of its heat. I guessed what was on her mind. Remus had always been my champion. If he was giving up, then there was no doubt that the others would. "I tried to be supporting Lils. You know I did. But I can't anymore, baby." His hazel eyes were full of pity and sadness.

Fuck, what had I started. "Sir-"

"That's enough." I interrupted her. I knew what I had to do. I knew it was the right thing to do, but it didn't hurt any less. Infact just the thought of it felt like something inside me was dying. "You've fought enough battles for me, Lily and it's time you stop." I forced a mocking laugh. "It was fun to watch in the beginning, but now it's getting old. And boring."

"You might fool them with the whole I-don't-care routine, but I know you better than that."

"Do you?" I asked silkily. "Lily, you know better than most people how easy it is for me to lie, to pretend. Why don't you stop with the whole protective thing and just settle down. In case you didn't notice," I spread my hands out wide, "I'm a big girl now."

"Alex, stop." I heard the tremor in her voice. As did everyone else. James stood up and walked towards her but stopped when Lily held up her hand.

"Stop what? Telling the truth. But isn't that what you want? For me to tell the truth for once? It's all I'm doing, honey. I don't need you anymore." Jesus, why did it hurt so much?

"You don't mean that."

I forced another laugh. "I'm sure that what you want to believe. Lils, we were literally forced together as kids. I made the best out of an awkward, unwanted situation. But it's high time we put an end to this charade, don't you think."

"Charade?" Lily whispered brokenly.

"Aren't you tired? Going to bat for me every single time. You're like a hovering mother hen and I don't need that anymore." I forced myself to meet Lily's piercing gaze, her green eyes darkened with pain and the tears only amplified it. I smiled, "Take care hon. And thanks." I nodded at James who was standing with his hands fisted by his side, his furious gaze met mine. "Take care of her." Please James, take good care of her.

I swiveled around, closing my eyes for a moment to block out the pain that nearly immobilized my body. What had I just done?

Ruined the best thing I had, that I might ever have. But seeing everyone lined up against me, including Remus and James, terrified that Sirius would side with them and realizing that Lily too would have to choose between a relationship with James and our friendship, I knew I had to do this. I'd rather Lily remain with the guy she loved, have uncomplicated friendships with girls and guys who were capable of giving her more than secrets and unexplained behaviour than have her stand by me and turn her back on others as she had done in the past. It was as I said, I was a big girl and it was time I took care of myself.

For the first time in the longest time I felt the tears burn behind my lids and I took a deep, shuddering breath.

"Alex, please." Lily begged. "You can't do this alone." Damn right, I can't. But I can't do it with you either.

"Don't fight this, Lils. Not anymore." I turned around to face her one last time before I left the room and everything that we had once been to each other. The effort it took to keep my voice from breaking was slipping, I had to leave now.

"Happy Birthday." It was the last thing I heard before the portrait slid back into its position.

I leaned against the wall of the portrait, breathing deeply. It was over. In the back of my mind I'd always known it would come down to this. And after everything that had happened in the past week… it was just too much.

I shook myself and pushed away from the wall. Now was not the time for self pity and moaning. The time would come, but for now I had to hold it together.

Numbly, I walked down the corridor and then turned left and right, maybe I even climbed some stairs. When I pushed the door open, I sucked in a breath. The air was freezing and I had forgotten a jacket. I shoved my hands into the pocket of my jeans and walked ahead.

"Found your way, did you?" A voice so cold that made the freezing November air seem warm and toasty asked.

"Evidently." I replied. "The astronomy tower isn't all that hard to find."

"After everything that has happened and you still have that attitude." I turned to look in the direction the voice came from but I couldn't see the person. He was well hidden in the shadows, not that I was surprised. As he spoke he came forth from the shadows and walked towards me. "What's it going to take to tame you, Halliwell?" I choked down the gasp that almost escaped when I felt his chilly knuckles graze my cheek.

Everything in my body fought to slap his hand away, to get away from that stifling smell of his cologne and the sickly sweet smell of his breath. But I couldn't. I couldn't afford to piss off this person. He had everything.

"Can you believe she's a Halliwell?" The hair on the back of my neck rose when I heard that feminine voice. It cannot be.

I didn't realize that I had spoken out loud. "Oh yes it can love." He stroked my cheek again, chuckling softly. Love, it sounded so different so dirty when he called me that. Nothing compared to the way Sirius said it.

I moved away from him and turned so that I could confirm with my eyes what I had heard with my ears. I was right- with her glossy mane of jet black hair, her heavy lidded light blue eyes and her patrician features there was no mistaking the fact that Bella Black was back. Only now she was known as Bella Lestrange and she wasn't back for good. How had she managed to get entry to the grounds?

When she noticed the shock on my face, she threw her head back and laughed maniacally. "Honestly, aren't the Halliwells powerful? Brave? Strong? This one looks so weak, so fragile. And Regulus said that Sirius was interested in a plain looking thing like her?" Insanity brightened her eyes as she assessed me. "Maybe," She said, her long, slender fingers stroking her wand thoughtfully, "I'll work on her a little."

"No, love." A third guy stepped out from the shadows and slipped his arm around her waist. Rodolphus Lestrange, Bella's husband. "Not yet. We need her for now. You can have your fun once we deliver it to the Master. Besides, she's gorgeous and you're jealous." Bella sniffed daintily and turned her face away from her husband. My stomach turned over.

"Stone, you're one crazy bastard you know that." I whispered. "What have you gotten into?"

He moved quickly and silently and before I knew he had backhanded me and his hand had my hair in a painful grip. Tugging my head back painfully, he towered over me. "You keep quiet; you little bitch and do as you're told. You've already had a week and you know we mean business. You know what we want and we want it fast. Incase you need a little incentive, maybe a little finger or two should do the trick, eh?"

Panic rose within me and bubbled to my mouth. "Don't touch a hair on their heads. You'll get what you want; I just need a little more time. It's been a long time and I don't know where the fountain is."

"Don't tell me what to do and what not to do, muggle-loving fool. I call the shots, or did you not notice? Did you end it with your mudblood and traitor friends?" The anticipation and excitement in his voice disgusted me.

"Yeah. Everything that you asked me to do, I've done it. Just keep your word and I'll have it by the end of next week." I gritted my teeth as his grip tightened.

"Work faster." I nodded awkwardly and he let me go. "We'll meet again tomorrow and you better have made progress. Now get out."

Only too grateful, I turned around and walked away, not wanting to give them the satisfaction of seeing me run away scared.

I closed the door behind and raced down the steps. What had Stone gotten himself into? They said that the Lestranges were a part of Voldemort's inner circle, his most trusted Death Eaters. And here they were in Hogwarts, a place that I considered the safest place on Earth, blackmailing me to do their biding, both for their own pleasure and for the pleasure of Voldemort himself.

* * *

Sliding down the tree truck, I sank into the soft ground. My head was such a mess. My friends hated me. I was being blackmailed by Slytherins to do their biding. My true identity among precious other things was at stake. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't just hand away what they were asking for, even if I knew where it was. The thought of someone so evil having something so powerful scared the hell out of me. Maybe keeping it from them was worth losing what I loved, what I needed. But there had to be a way to not hand over the item and not lose what was most precious to me. I couldn't go to Dumbledore because they'd know the minute I went up to his room and it was only possible to orb out of the room and not into it.

I tried to tamp down the hysteria, the need to run to Lily and the Maurauders- to run to Dumbledore. Lily, Jesus. The things that I'd said to her, I would never forgive myself. It was the only thing that I had that I was proud of. A friendship that was sixteen years long. Apparently, there had been complications with Lily when she had been born and she was constantly in and out of the hospital the first couple of months. The day that I had been born she was in the nursery and since there weren't enough cribs, we'd shared one. I know how cheesy it sounds, I hadn't believed it myself when I was first told about it but it was true. I had been with Lily ever since I was born, she had been by my side since day one. She's taken care of my, stood up for me, accepted me when no one else had. The amount of patience she'd displayed over the years, never raising her voice when I did, never rising to my bait, always knowing that I was hoping someone would lash back and be just as mean I expected them to be. No, she understood and she loved. Her persistence and her tolerance were two pillars I always leaned on. And today I had thrown it back in her face. God, I could kill Stone, the bastard.

Just when I thought that things were finally going well, friends with new people, that weird but comforting relationship with Sirius- I had been almost normal there for a bit and now this.

What the hell was I going to do?

They finally told me that they wanted it and I had till next Friday or they would….oh God I couldn't even think it. Lily was right, I couldn't do this alone, it was way over my head. I took a deep breath and ran my hands through my air. I wasn't going to accomplish anything if I got all hysterical and crazy.

That's when it hit me.

"Kyle." I cried out.

And waited.

But nothing happened.

"Kyle Brody." I called again.

Goddamnit. "Kyle Brody get your butt-" I stopped mid sentence when I saw the bright swirly lights. When they cleared, I smiled my first smile since this entire mess had started.

"Hey." The affection in his voice nearly brought tears into my eyes.

"Heyy." My voice cracked.

Immediately, he was on the ground next to me and tipped my chin so that he could look at me. "What's wrong, Alex?"

"What's not?" I buried my face into his chest and closed my eyes. "Everything's wrong."

He didn't pull away and demand answers, he just rocked my back and forth and gave me some time to regain control. Reluctantly I pulled away from his embrace, "I'm sorry." I muttered.

"Don't be." He stroked my hair. "Want to tell me what's wrong?"

"First you have to swear that you won't tell anyone." I warned. "Especially them." I looked up to the heavens pointedly.

His thin lips lifted into a smile, "The Elders are my boss, you know."

"And I'm your charge." I reminded him.

"True." He conceded. "Before you say anything, how are Piper and Phoebe enjoying their vacation?"

I ran a shaky hand through my hair. "How did you know they're on vacation?"

"Well I dropped by the house last week and there was a note waiting for me on the fridge."

"Kyle." I started.

"Come on, Alex. You can tell me anything, you know that."

I looked at him, everything in his expression- from his warm, chocolaty eyes down to the lines on his face- told me I really could. He'd understand and he'd support me. More importantly, he'd help.

"Lily and I aren't speaking anymore." Yes, like that was all that was wrong. But for now it was foremost on my mind.

"Honey, friends fight-" He started, his voice lit with amusement.

"For real. I'm being blackmailed Kyle. This kid in school knows I'm a Halliwell. He's Slytherin and he confronted me last week. He's knows about the Charmed ones and everything." I saw his face tighten, making his cheekbones more prominent. "Grams and Aunt Phoebe aren't on vacation. They're kidnapped. By him."

"What?" He cried harshly. "What did you just say?"

"You heard me. He's got them in a safe house. I scryed every day for them for the past week, ever since he told me. But it's got all these enchantments that make it impossible to scry for…just as he said. He told me not to bother orbing too, even if I did find the place cause it was protected in that sense too. I tried to sense them but you know I can't do all that yet."

"What does he want?" Kyle's voice had gone deadly calm. Maybe it was all that FBI training he'd had when he had been human.

"Not he, they. Death Eaters. They want the Fountain of Youth for Voldemort." I finally told him.


	10. Learn to be lonely

**Disclaimer:** The song is sung by Minnie Driver, from the movie Phantom of the Opera.

**Child of the wilderness**  
**Born into emptiness**  
**Learn to be lonely**  
**Learn to find your way in darkness**

Voldemort.

Lord Voldemort.

Before the past week happened, Voldemort was just a name whispered by few and avoided by the rest. Everyone who was a part of the vast magical community knew who he was, knew what he believed in and knew about his Death Eaters. Rumours had it that it was either his way or the highway. They said that he supported muggle killings, that he committed some himself. Prominent purebloods who were sympathetic towards muggleborns died painfully and after tremendous torture. The sight of the 'dark mark' as they now called it had the ability to reduce even the strongest of men to hysterics. People were now afraid to call him by his name. 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named' or 'You-Know-Who', that's what they called him.

Not everyone knew who he had been before he became Lord Voldemort, or where he'd schooled or if he really was pure blood as he claimed everyone in the magical community should be. Not everyone knew that before this he was Tom Riddle, a completely ordinary name for someone so extraordinary.

Orphaned at birth, age old magic flowed through his veins but so did that ordinary blood he condemned. While his mother might have been the daughter of a very old, very powerful magical family, his father was an ordinary muggle who had caught his mother's fancy. The man who had taken the magical community by storm in the beginning and now had them cowering in fear was a half-blood. This in itself should prove to him, of all people, that blood didn't matter. That ancestry didn't matter. You are what you are; all you can determine is who you'll be.

But that wasn't the point right now. Now all that mattered was that for this man a bunch of crazed fanatics had kidnapped my family and blackmailing me to retrieve an object for them. Not a simple wand or trophy or something but the Fountain of fucking Youth.

Back when my Grams and her sister were younger and struggling to juggle normal lives and their Charmed duties, they'd had a run in with a pirate cursed with immortality who'd wanted them to steal a golden chalice from the San Francisco Museum and activate the Fountain of Youth so that he could remain youthful forever. Yeah the Fountain didn't guarantee immortality, but it sure did take off years. Infact it had saved my Grandma Paige's life. And ironically that was the first time the Halliwells had met Kyle Brody. He'd been human then, and a federal agent to boot. Over the months my family learned that his parents had died under supernatural conditions and he and Aunt Paige were, well, close but then he was killed. And made into whitelighter.

I was his first charge. Until then he'd been learning the ropes of being whitelighter.

"Didn't Grams blow up the fountain?" I asked Kyle, as we discussed the entire situation in finer detail. "Which Detective Sheridan saw and then you knocked her out with a dart gun and let Grams and Aunt Phoebe go."

"Actually, Piper was about to but Phoebe knocked her hands out of the way and she blew up some rocks." Kyle told me.

"Why would she do that?" I was confused. "So they lied to me?"

"They lied to everyone." Kyle said. "Piper didn't want someone else coming along hoping to get a drink out of the fountain but they didn't have enough for Paige in the first place. And secondly, no matter how dangerous it would have been in the wrong hands, it is magic and you don't destroy something so historical."

"Mythical is more likely. And it didn't help cause people know. Lord Voldemort knows." I drew my knees to my chest and rested my forehead on them. "We're so screwed."

"Love the positive attitude." Kyle mumbled.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked. "That everything is going to be fine. That we'll find the fountain, hide it yet somehow save my grandmothers and then I can explain it all to Lily and the others and we all will be friends again? And that all this will be accomplished without anyone but the bad guys dying and we all will live out the rest of our lives happily ever after?"

"So either everything is over or everything will be fine?" Kyle questioned. "Always the extremes with you, isn't it. How about a compromise- some things will work out and some won't. And that's a chance you will have to take."

"_You're happy now?" _

"_Yes." _

"_You have no regrets?"_

"_There are many things that I'd rather never happened, but no I don't want a do over."_

"_How did you get here?" _

"_Simple. __I stopped thinking about the what if's and accepted what is. Believe in yourself and let go of your fear."_

The conversation had taken place such a long time ago. Not that a week and half was a long time, but it felt like an eternity. It was so confusing to see things go from there to here. Now that I was at this point, that situation seemed so easy and managable. Regulus and I were getting along, Sirius and I kissed but before we could talk about any of it, Stone had cornered me the next evening and everything had gone down the toilet after that. I started to avoid Sirius, not that he was seeking me out. Well in his own way, I guess he was… man I don't even know anything anymore. All I want right now is for Grams and Aunt Phoebe to be safe.

I was going to have to take chances. Hiding wasn't going to change the fact that I was either going to win or I was either going to lose. Facing it, fighting for it might ensure a probable victory but hiding would guarantee and sure loss.

"So, what's the next step Kyle?" I asked. "Where is the Fountain now?"

"I hid it. After taking care of Sheridan that night, I hid the Fountain. And the Golden Chalice is at the Manor. There's a spell that activates the Fountain in the book. Even if one thing is missing, the whole thing will fall flat. I'll get the Fountain… although it will take me a couple of days. You can orb down to the manor and take care of the Chalice and the spell."

"Where is the Fountain?" I asked again.

"I told you I will take care of it." Kyle answered firmly.

"I'm sure you will. But I want to know and maybe help getting it back." I was just as firm.

"Hell no."

"Kyle, where is it?"

"Tell me or I'll search for it in your mind." I shrugged. "Your choice."

"You're just as stubborn as the rest of them." Kyle grumbled. "It's in a cave in the Underworld."

I gasped. "You left something so powerful in the Underworld? Right under those demonic noses?!"

"Which makes it the safest place." His sounded smug, satisfied. "It's the last place they'll think of. It was one thing I learnt when I was with Homeland Security."

"I thought it was the FBI." I interrupted.

Kyle gave me a wry glance. "Well you thought wrong. Anyway, as I was saying. When you're one the run or thinking of the perfect hiding place, the safest one is right under their noses, where they will never think of looking because it's too close by, too dangerous. Which makes it the safest."

"And the riskiest." I told him.

"That's not a word."

"It so is."

"Is not." Kyle retorted.

"Is too." I repeated. "I want to come along when you go get the fountain. And we're not arguing about this. Please Kyle, I need to do something."

Kyle just studied my face for a while, his eyes searching mine. Finally, he nodded. "I'm going to go and talk to Leon." Seeing me open my mouth to argue he rushed forward. "I know he's an Elder and everything, but he's discreet and he likes you, for some reason I can't understand. He'll hear me out and help without interfering. I have to tell him Alex, this is huge. The Charmed Ones have been kidnappened and you know wand practitioners aren't supposed to dabble with Wiccan magic. There are rules to be followed, lines to be minded."

I knew he was right. "Fine." I nodded.

"You're going to have to find a way to contact Dumbledore, Alex. He has to know."

Panic surfaced. "They said they would know-"

"Alex, you have to know that they were lying about certain things. This isn't the muggle world where rooms can be bugged without the occupants knowledge. Magic makes things work differently. Find a way to get into that office and talk to him. We. Need. Dumbledore."

Trying the swallow the lump in my throat, I nodded again. Kyle slid an arm around my shoulder and drew me into his side. And together we watched the sun rise.

* * *

**Who will be there for you**  
**Comfort and care for you**  
**Learn to be lonely**  
**Learn to be your one companion**

It was evening before I returned to the castle. I'd spent the better part of the day at the Manor, thinking and trying to come up with a plan to save Grams and Aunt Phoebe. The appearance of the Lestranges last night confirmed that I was playing Big League. But the way there were talking about it, made it seem as though Voldemort didn't know about their plan to acquire the Fountain, like they wanted to surprise him or something. I was glad I had called Kyle; I knew I couldn't do this all by myself. I was going to need help despite the fact that this was my fight. Kyle was my whitelighter, there to guide me and maybe protect me. I needed him. And he was right, we need Dumbledore. He is the only one Voldemort is wary off and we need him on our side.

But including Kyle and Dumbledore wasn't the same as including Lily and the others. This wasn't their fight. It wasn't their grandmother who had been kidnapped and they weren't the ones being blackmailed. Each of them has their own problems to worry about and they don't need the added burden of mine, as well. I guess this is the price of being a Charmed One. For years my grandmothers pushed and drove away a lot of people for the sake of their Charmed duty. They'd lost out on a lot and missed out on a whole lot more. So many innocents and loved ones had died in their fight against evil. Heck it had taken them four years, a sister and countless other losses to defeat The Source. But they hadn't given up and neither would I. I just hoped my friends would understand that some day.

Coming back to the present, the backpack on my shoulder carried The Book of Shadows and the Golden Chalice which had taken me hours to find. If Grams ever found out that I'd moved the Book from the attic, she'd be so mad. I couldn't wait for that moment! What I would give for Grams to scold me right this moment, for Aunt Phoebe to try and calm her down.

God, I missed them.

Returning to the Manor, if only for a couple of hours brought back so many memories. Happier birthdays and laughing dinners with the entire family. The organized disarray of the week and relaxing calm of the weekends. I missed it all. I missed practicing Wicca, helping Grams stock up our supplies and sitting with Aunt Phoebe and reading the Book.

But the minute I walked through the doors of Hogwarts, I had left that life behind. And only then did I realize how much I missed it. And loved it. Just as I loved this world and the magic it had to offer. Along with it's people. I may not have been a part of them, but I had stood at a distance and watched.

I had watched Lily as she struggled in a world where muggleborns like her were looked down upon, hated and now hunted. But she'd managed to hold her own and prove to everyone that she was just as smart and capable of magic as the purebloods were. She couldn't go back to her parents and live an ordinary life, not when she was so extraordinary. Petunia, her sister, hated the fact that Lily could perform magic and never missed an opportunity to call her a freak or something just that original and barbed. From a world she couldn't go back to and now part of a world that didn't want her, Lily Evans had to fight everyday. But never once did she complain or throw up hands up in the air and give up. And I admired her for that.

I watched as James Potter, the son of Harold and Cynthia Potter, the purest of all purebloods fought for the muggleborns. His father was the head of the Auror division and his mother was one of St. Mungo's top healers. They had enough money to last them several lifetimes and yet they fought and fought hard for what they believed in. The number of times Mr. Potter had been attacked and the number of threats Mrs. Potter received daily would have scared someone less brave and honourable a long time ago, but the Potters continued. I had seen James grow from that arrogant little rich boy to a young, mature man who was loyal and brave, who people looked up to.

"Hey, watch where you're going bitch." Something shoved into my shoulder hard, pushing me into a wall outside the Great Hall. The action drove my left cheek into the wall. The bruise from Stone's backhand last night started to throb painfully once again and I tasted blood in my mouth as my teeth bit the corner of my lips.

"Parkinson, ready to lash out at the girls." I sneered as I leaned against the wall for support. "Must be tough, beating up on girls cause the boys are too tough for you to handle."

He grabbed me by the collar and hauled me up. "Don't you talk to me like that, bitch."

I smiled mockingly, "Is that the only insult you know?" I might have been small, but I'd learnt self defense since I was a kid. I drew my knee up and slammed it between his legs. "Bitch."

The air rushed from Damien Parkinson's lungs and he dropped to his knees, his face contorted in pain. I looked down at his pathetic form, "Stay away from me Parkinson or you'll-"

"You really want to finish that sentence?" The smooth voice turned my blood cold. "Well?" His eyebrow was raised meaningfully as he came to stand right in front of me. "He's a coward yes. But he's my friend and if I ever see you pull a stunt like that again, you'll be receiving an early Christmas present love. And grandma will be in a lot of pain" He spoke quietly and the words were only meant for me to hear. "Do you understand?" He asked.

"Yes." I whispered harshly.

"Parkinson, stop whining and get your arse up." Stone barked at him. To the crowd that only now did I realize had gathered he said, "Show's over folks. Get to dinner."

As the crowd slowly dispersed, I saw Lily, James, Remus and Goldberg standing in the back. The knowledge hit me like a blow. They had been there the whole while and hadn't stepped forward to help?

**Never dreamed out in the world**  
**There are arms to hold you**

The fact that I had caused this rift didn't matter to me. James had his hands resting on Lily's shoulders, his knuckles white. Lily was standing in front of him with her gaze locked on my mouth. Immediately, I wiped the trickle of blood. Remus' expression was blank, his hands hanging loosely at his side. Goldberg looked amused.

"That backpack better contain goodies for me." Stone whispered in my ear before he walked away.

I closed my eyes, exhaustion creeping over me. I should have gotten Kyle to heal the bruise that, no doubt, marked my cheek. But I was scared what of his reaction would be to the fact that Stone had hit me. But now as I felt their gaze on my face, I wished I could heal myself.

"What happened to your face?" I heard Lily ask. When I opened my eyes, I saw that they had stepped closer.

"Got pushed in the wall. Or did you not notice." Why was she still talking to me? Didn't she know that I'd rather not talk to her than be so rude to her?

"What I noticed was that you were in your own dream world, not noticing where you stepped." Lily snapped. "And besides that bruise looks older."

"Did you not hear me last night when I said I didn't want you to do this anymore?"

"I heard everything Alex."

Did you hear the things I didn't say? "Then what are you still doing here?" Before she could answer I continued. "Don't bother. I bet you had fun watching the show."

"Alex, what's wrong? What's going on with you and Stone? I saw him whispering something that scared you. I saw it!"

I snorted. "What makes you think something's wrong with me? Maybe there's something wrong with you and your need to fix everything. I'm done being your charity case, Lily so leave me the hell alone."

"Stop saying that!" Lily cried.

"Stay out of it Lily." I turned away and started to walk towards the common room.

"Alex." Goldbitch's voice made me stop short. "Merlin, you're really campaigning for 'Bitch of the Year', aren't you?"

I turned around slowly, my gaze flickering over her shoulder to notice the others paying attention to the two of us. "As defending champion, you nervous?"

I saw a genuine smile curve her mouth as her hands settled on her hips. "I can hold my own." She walked a couple of steps towards me and I saw Lily take a step forward warily before James held her back. It made me smile, almost. "You know we've never really been close, which is nice because I don't like you that much. But, you have, on occasion stood up for others and helped them and stuff so I'm going to do you a favour."

I tilted my head questioningly and spread my hands wide. "And this great favour is?"

"I'm going to give you some advice." I saw her expression soften and the sight along with her words stunned me. "Get over it."

How did she know? "Excuse me?"

"Whatever is causing the Joan Collins attitude, deal with it. Embrace the pain; go get pissed, whatever. But get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you're not even going to have the few friends you've managed for yourself."

Goldbitch, on occasion was known to hit the nail right on the head. "I think it's time you start minding your business." Forcing down the pain and hiding my surprise behind a black expression I managed to force the words through my teeth.

"It's long past." She agreed.

I scoffed and turned around, ready to leave when I felt her take several extra steps forward. "I'll go see if Sirius is interested in a private Charms tutoring session." She suggested softly, making sure this time no one else heard us. Stiffening, I quelled the urge to sucker punch her; I leveled a glance over my shoulder. "Knock yourself out. Literally."

Knowing that it was the right thing to do, I walked past them and into the Great Hall.

**You've always known your heart was on its own**

I took the empty spot right next to the door, on the Gryffindor table. Immediately the distinct sound of glass tinkling had everyone's attention. A hush fell over the Hall as everyone waited for Dumbledore to start speaking.

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Headmaster of Hogwarts. Tall and this, his once auburn hair has nearly turned grey and was so long that he tucked it into his belt. His beard was just as long. Twinkling blue eyes that compelled any person to trust him in an instant. Half moon spectacles were perched on his crooked nose. He was the greatest wizard I had ever known. And a better man. Although we tried to maintain a semi- professional relationship at school, every holiday we had him over for some meal or other quite often. He and my grandmother were very close and I trusted him blindly. Just seeing him right now, knowing that he was right there- a couple of feet away and knowing that I couldn't tell him anything, not yet was killing me. Shaking out of my thoughts, I focused on what he was saying.

"I would like to welcome Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange. Most of our older students might remember them. They arrived last night on account of some business with me and I asked them to join us for dinner. Give them a warm welcome, kids." His blue eyes grinned with amusement. "I promised them they'd get it." Immediately a polite applause rippled through the Hall, only the Slytherins put in some real enthusiasm. Stone, Parkinson and the rest of his cronies even cheered. Bella smiled sickly and waved at the Slytherins and Rodolphus grimaced as if he was in pain. Dread and relief, both pooled into my stomach. So that's how they'd got into the School last night. Thank God, the School was still safe. But what work would two unemployed Death Eaters have with Dumbledore?

Reaching for a piece of garlic bread, I spooned a little pasta onto my plate. I was so not hungry. All around me I could hear people whispering about how I wasn't sitting with my best friend and speculating on how I got my bruise. But I wasn't going to hide and let Stone have anymore satisfaction than necessary. I was used to being talked about, pointed at. It was only a matter of time before it started at Hogwarts. And it finally had. Letting my hair fall forward and cover most of my face a speared a finely diced mushroom and brought it to my mouth. With the curtain of my hair as sufficient cover, I peeked at the spot where my friends were sitting.

**So laugh in your loneliness**  
**Child of the wilderness**  
**Learn to be lonely**  
**Learn how to love life that is lived alone**

It looked like Lily, James, Mandy and Frank were sitting on my side since I couldn't see them. Alice, Remus Sirius and Goldberg were sitting on the opposite side and in plain view. Alice was laughing over something and she reached over and grabbed something off someone's plate and quickly popped in into her mouth. I saw Goldberg slide closer to Sirius and nuzzle into his side with a comfortable smile. Sirius looked happy with Goldberg, and even if he didn't. It wasn't like I could do anything about it. Just at that moment Remus leaned to whisper something in Sirius' ear and then their gazes locked onto me. Embarrassed at being caught staring, I looked away quickly. Dropping my fork onto my plate, I grabbed my backpack and left the Hall.

I only had another year and half of school and I'd never seen these people again. I could handle that, no?

**Life can be lived**  
**Life can be loved, alone**

**A/N:** Hope this chapter clears up a couple of things.

Stick around!


	11. Let Me In

**Disclaimer:** The song is by Save Ferris.

**I've been watching you and all you do**  
**For quite some time**  
**Knowing all the ins and outs of you**  
**I should've know what was on your mind**_  
_

I spent the entire night coming up with a plan. After meditating for most of the night, the way Kyle had taught me, I managed to push all my negative thoughts and worries to the back of my head and tried to come up with a plan. Once I started thinking with a clear head, I noticed many plot holes when it came to Stone's plan and the way I had handled things. I should have thought of using telepathy on Stone and figuring out where my grandmothers were the first time he told me that he'd kidnapped them. All I had to do was sift through his thoughts during breakfast the next morning, and orb over and leave with Grams and Aunt Phoebe and then go to Dumbledore and tell him what had happened. Instead I had panicked and done what he had demanded of me, driven off my friends. I didn't need to scry for my family when the person who knew where they were was right in front of me. I could have also gone to Mel for help; I should have called Kyle as soon as it had happened. Had the circumstances been different, had it been just another innocent and not my own family I would have gone about it rationally, but the fear of losing yet another person I loved was scary, paralyzing.

So here I was, at seven thirty on a Saturday morning in the Great Hall, waiting for Stone and his cronies to appear. Once he entered I would rapidly work my way through his thoughts and proceed to the next step. I just needed to know exactly what he knew about me and my family and who all were in on his plan and just how involved Voldemort was.

Another half an hour passed before the door of the Great Hall swung open and my friends appeared. They all looked well rested, happy.

I knew why I had done it. It even made sense.

Then why did my chest constrict painfully? Why didn't it feel right?

I missed them all. Not just Lily. Each and every one of them. Heck, I even missed Peter and his annoying habits. Just one measly day without them, thirty-six hours later, I realized just what an integral part of my life they all were. Now that I had all the alone time I always seemed to crave, I realized just how unwanted it was. I forced myself to think positive and tried to convince myself just how important it was to keep my friends out of this mess and come up with a much better plan to find my grandmothers and thwart Stone's plan.

I could not regret my actions of Thursday night and the week before that. I would not. It had worked out just the way I wanted to. I would soon forget the haunted look on Lily's face, Remus' face as he had agreed to the fact that he was done with me, James' anger at me for hurting Lily and Alice's haughty indifference. I was Alex Halliwell. I didn't give a damn about what others thought. And besides it wasn't as if I had done because I didn't have anything better to do. It was for their own good and they would realize that someday.

Lily took the seat on the other side of the third year who was sitting next to me. The others followed suit, taking seats near and around her. I should have moved, but my attention was on the fact that Stone had just entered the Hall himself.

I saw Stone's dark gaze settle on James who had his arm around Lily as he laughed at something Sirius had muttered dryly and then his gaze slowly flicked towards me. His lips curved into a smug smile and he inclined his blond head towards me.

Keeping my face blank, I reached for a piece of toast and pretended to be busy buttering it when all I was doing was focusing on Stone and lowering my defenses. I sucked in a quick breath as the thoughts of everyone present in the Hall hit me like a ton of bricks had been dropped on my head. The barely discernable din of people's mutterings and worrying, their happy thoughts and their sad thoughts, drowned my own as I fought to remain in control. The toast in my hand crumbled as my hand curled into a defensive fist. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I searched for Arbacus Stone in my head. Slowly by slowly, I managed to push the rest of the people out of my head and focused on Stone. Despite my discomfort, I couldn't help but smirk slightly, the stupid bastard barely had any defenses up and the ones that he had were so weak that they were barely there. Separating the disgusting yet irrelevant thoughts from the relevant ones, I gently coaxed him to think about my grandmothers and his plans for them.

What I realized had relief coursing through my veins.

Thank The Powers That Be.

Stone was looking to become a Death Eater. And to become one he had to prove himself. What better way than to present his Master with a magical fountain that would forever retain his youth? He had heard about the myth of the Fountain of Youth and hired an equivalent of the magical P.I. to investigate the authenticity of the myth. This P.I. had come across a couple of neutral beings- ones that were neither on the good nor the bad side, just existing to maintain the divine balance- down in the Underworld. He had used 'persuasive' means to extract information about the Charmed Ones and their family and the fact that the Fountain of Youth had not been destroyed. He had recruited the Lestranges to help him out. Once the three of them would acquire the Fountain, all three of them would claim responsibility for its find and reap the benefits their happy Master would bestow upon them. Infact he seemed so confident of his victory that he hadn't told the Lestranges where he had stowed my grandmothers, secure in the knowledge that he could keep them confined all by himself. Delving deeper, I found that he had them in an old hunting lodge his family kept in the country. I was further relieved to find that Voldemort didn't know about the Fountain or the fact that the Charmed ones were in a prospective Death Eater's custody. Also, Stone didn't know that Jenna was my half sister, thank Merlin and neither was he aware of my Aunt Mel's whereabouts.

Focusing on Stone's knowledge of the lodge, I nudged a mental picture of it and silently cajoled his brain to think about it's every aspect. There wasn't much security, just an old family butler under strict instructions to keep my grandmothers restrained at all times and to feed them sparsely at regular intervals. The butler was to sit outside their room at all times and not enter unless absolutely necessary.

Suddenly his thoughts started to flow even smoothly as he started to think about the lodge all by himself. He was planning to apparate to the lodge and check on things while he was down in Hogsmeade. His thoughts were laced with smugness at his apparent covertness and intelligence. Boy! was I going to miss seeing that look on his face when he realized that the Charmed ones had disappeared from right under his pointed nose. Convinced that I had everything that I needed to know, I withdrew from Stone's mind and winced at the full force of everyone's thoughts hit me once again. Steadily, I drew my mental blocks up in place and sighed thankfully as I heard my thoughts clearly once again. I hated losing myself in other people's thoughts, having to pick my own from everyone else's. For once, however, I was eternally grateful for my ability to read minds. Things weren't as bad as I had thought them to be. Once I got my grandmothers out of there, Stone wouldn't be able to do anything to me, and he wouldn't be able to tell Voldemort about it either, as Voldemort hated failure above everything else.

As I got used to the silence in my head, I realized that I still held the toast in a death grip. Wincing, I unclenched my fist and dropped the toast in my plate and wiped my buttery palm with a paper napkin. Sniffing my slightly runny nose, I thought about what I was going to do next. Get my grandmothers first, then call Kyle and let him know everything was fine. If I went to him first he would insist that I stay behind and he handle everything, but I didn't want that. I wanted to handle this on my own, I had lost too much for it and I needed closure and to see my grandmothers for myself. I planned on spending some time with them, and convince myself that they were fine. Then I would go to Mel and tell her what happened, maybe she would take me to some nice café in New York and treat me to coffee and bagels and talk about nonsense and distract me. Then I'd head back and talk to Dumbledore.

Now that was a plan. All I had to do was go back to the dorm and change into more comfortable clothes, return the Book of Shadows back to the manor, as well as the Golden Chalice. As far as I was concerned there was no further need of them. Kyle was supposed to head out to the Underworld tonight, to look for the Fountain, but I was hoping to get Grams and Aunt Phoebe before that. By midnight tonight, I would be home with my family, if all worked out the way it was supposed to.

* * *

**So let me in**  
**All that I wanted from you**  
**Was something you'd never do**  
**So let me in**  
**Oh please tonight**  
**Don't let this end**  
**Tonight**  
**Cuz' I'm starting to fall**  
**So let me in**

Shivering slightly, I pushed open the door and stepped into the Three Broomsticks, one of the local pubs, best known for its delicious Butterbeer and its gorgeous owner, Madam Rosmerta. The Three Broomsticks, a favourite among both Hogwarts students and teachers, was currently all but empty. Most students headed here after a long day of shopping out in the cold. Since the day had barely started and the pub had barely opened, it had only three customers. Heading straight for the bar, I dropped my backpack on the barstool next to me and pulled off my gloves and shrugged off my coat. Resting my fore hands on the bar, I waited for someone to serve me.

"Hey there, honey." A warm, husky voice greeted me.

"'Lo Rosie." I replied, bending my elbow to cup my face.

"You don't look so good." Rosmerta herself appeared from the doorway that led to the kitchen, tying an apron round her waist. She was short but curvy, with blond curls and blue eyes. Most of the Hogwarts boys had huge crushes on her. Aside from being beautiful, she was a warm hearted woman with a smile and a kind word for everyone.

"I'm fine." I lied.

And she called me on it. "Where's Lily and that flirt of a boyfriend of her's?"

"I don't know." I was exhausted and cranky.

"That bad, huh?" She leaned forward, her own hands cupping her face.

"Just get me some firewhisky."

"Sure, just as soon as you show me your id."

I sighed. "Fine. Butterbeer then."

I dropped my head on the bar, trying to fight my sleepiness.

Rosmerta came back with a tankard of Butterbeer and a plate of cold pasta.

"I'm not hungry." I told her and slid the plate across the bar back to her.

"Alex, you look terrible. You're pale and you have bags under your eyes darker than a new moon night. Just drink the beer and eat the pasta. You'll feel better." Her eyebrows were raised and her mouth was set in a firm line.

I snorted and reached out to pull the plate back towards me. My plan was to wait here till Stone returned from checking on my grandmothers and then I would head out myself. During my perusal of his mind, I had found out that he planned to meet the Lestranges here and talk about how they were going to proceed forward. Just thinking about Stone and the Lestranges made anger pool into my stomach.

"Alex." Rosmerta voice drew me from my thoughts. "Eat." She pointed at the place.

Muttering to myself, I drew the tankard to my lips and drank deeply. I closed my eyes as I felt the warm liquid slide down my oesophagus and pool into my stomach. After another drink I could actually feel the clouds of exhaustion that fogged my brain clear. I let out a sigh on contentment. Picking up a fork, I speared the pasta and a sliced mushroom and popped it in my mouth. The flavour of tomatoes and delicately flavoured herbs exploded on my tongue and my teeth sunk into the chewy mushrooms and the soft pasta, making my groan softly in pleasure.

"It can't be that good." A familiar soft voice whispered to me from one side.

I froze mid bite, my fork suspended in the air right outside my mouth. After a beat, I pushed the fork into my mouth and chewed slowly. "Sirius." I finally acknowledged without turning my head.

Before he could say anything Rosmerta came back.

"Hey there handsome." She winked playfully. "You and Alex know each other?"

"No." I answered at the same time he replied, "Yes."

Rosmerta cocked an eyebrow in question.

Neither of us responded.

After a minute, she shook her head slowly. "What happened to your face?" She asked me.

Damnit, I had forgotten about the bruise. I touched my cheek lightly, "Ran into a wall."

Sirius snorted. "That's not what Angelica said happened."

I reached for the tankard and drained it. I didn't want to start a fight, especially in front of Rosmerta. Polishing off the pasta, I asked Rosmerta to bring me a steaming cup of coffee.

"Black, no cream, two sugar- yes?" She didn't wait for an answer, disappearing into the kitchen.

From the corner of my eye, I saw him turn in his seat and look at me. "If there's anything that you need… you only have to ask, Lexie." Tears pricked my eyes. Listening to that soft, comforting voice… remembering those times he'd held me close, kissed me, I had never felt that safe ever before. The gentle way he said my name, the promise in his voice, how I wanted to lean into his side and drag his arm around me.

"Why would I need anything?" I finally managed to ask.

I heard his frustrated sigh, "Would you at least look at me when I'm talking to you?"

When I didn't move, he grabbed the sides of the chair and swiveled it towards him. With his thumb and forefinger he lifted my chin to make me meet his gaze. "There is something going on with you and Stone." I opened my mouth to deny it, but his glare silenced me. "Don't insult my intelligence by denying it. Before the past week, you were fine. The others might not notice it, but I did. Alice, Mandy- they're all tired of your secrecy, your silence. But there has got to be a reason for it, and I'm willing to listen, Lexie. I'm willing to help. Lily is hurt, but she's worried too. James is having second thoughts, and Remus is miserable. We're all here to help, all you have to do is let us."

"There's nothing wrong. Nothing that I can't handle." I focused my gaze on the wall over his left shoulder. "It's none of your business."

"When you lash out at us, you make it our business." Sirius made a sound and his hands fell to my shoulders as he shook my. "Damn it, Lexie. Talk to me."

Finally I met his gaze and sucked in an involuntary breath. A lock of hair had fallen over his forehead into his eyes that were so dark they seemed black. Anger had pulled the skin over his cheeks taut, making them appear sharper than they really were and his skin was delicately flushed. Sirius Black when angry was breath-taking.

I closed my eyes for a second, relishing the feel of his strong fingers that gripped my shoulders. I was in such desperate need of comfort, just to be held that I was this close to putting my arms around his neck and resting my head against his steady heartbeat.

"There's nothing wrong." I repeated. "Why do you even care?" I tried to shrug off his hold.

"How can you even ask me that?" He sounded even more enraged, if that was even possible.

I snorted. "You're talking about that one kiss we shared? What I'm actually supposed to set great store by it? You are Sirius Black, you know that right?"

"For the last time, there haven't been that many girls." He said through gritted teeth.

"So you didn't avoid me, the days after we kissed?" I demanded. "And that wasn't Goldberg snuggling into you last night at dinner and you didn't smile and put your arm around her?"

"We're friends, Lexie. What else would you expect me to do, push her away?"

"I don't care what you do with her; just leave me the hell alone. I don't have time for this." I wrenched myself free and got off the stool and grabbed my backpack. Moving to where Rosmerta was standing, waiting curiously for us to finish our conversation, I took the disposable cup from her and asked for the bill.

"The pasta was on the house, honey, so it's twenty sickles and a knut." Out of nowhere, Sirius had appeared with the money in his hands. I smacked his hands, making his drop his money and dropped my own on the bar before rushing out. Not bothering with the coat, gloves and scarf in my hands, I turned blindly in one direction and started to walk.

Knowing I didn't have much time before Sirius caught up with me, I started to walk faster.

"Alex!" I heard him shout. I ignored him. "Alex!" He yelled again, his voice closer than before. So I ran. The coffee cup slipped from my hands and the dark liquid splattered against the white snow, but that just spurred me on.

"Lexie, wait!" And it sounded like he was right behind me. "Leave me alone!" I yelled, still running. The snow was in my eyes, making it very difficult for me to see where I was running, but somehow it didn't matter. All I wanted to do was to run away from him, to think and just get a hold of my feelings. I could vaguely make out my surroundings and it looked something like the Shrieking Shack. And then I remembered that the Shrieking Shack was haunted. That thought made me stop. That's when I looked around, and realized that I couldn't see anything. Not because I had suddenly gone blind or something but because my surroundings were in complete and utter darkness. My heart missed a beat, I swear, and I started to hyperventilate. In that very moment I forget about my charmed powers and Wiccan heritage or that I was most probably more powerful than whatever haunted this place. All I could say was, "Fucking hell." And I turned around to run out of there. Instead I ran into someone. So I yelled, really loudly, thrashing in the arms of my captor. He pulled me into his arms and held me there tightly. Just as I was going to orb out of there I heard the person say, "Shh. Calm down, Lexie. You're safe."

Hearing his voice made me start fighting again, "Let me go." But he wouldn't. His one hand was stroking my wet hair and his other hand was rubbing my back soothingly. All this while he was shushing me. And I had never felt safer. So I closed my eyes and waited. Willing myself to forget what had made me run in here in the first place, I rested my ear on his chest, his heart was beating as if to reassure me that I was in the arms of a living, breathing person and not some dead monster. I took several deep breaths, trying to stop myself from shaking but it didn't seem to work. His arms around me tightened and just for the moment I leaned fully into him. I breathed in the scent of his soap and the distinct stormy scent that was exclusively his and just like that I started to calm down. "Let me go now." And I tried to move out of his embrace, but he wouldn't let me go. So I tried harder, "Please you have to let me go. I'm not a big fan of the dark, please. I've gotta go." But he still let me go. But I really didn't care. I was still too scared. Maybe he knew that. Or maybe he was just being a damn bastard. "Let me go, I won't run." I grumbled. So he loosened his grip around me and tentatively released me from his stronghold in a way that made me think that if I showed the slightest sign of fear he'd pull me in his arms again, a thought which made my heart skip another beat. I opened my eyes and took a step back. It was still too dark and I was still too scared.

"Sirius?" I asked.

"What love?" His voice was strong and reassuring.

"Do you have your wand with you?"

"Of course." He said simply.

"Light it, will you?"

Three seconds later I heard him mutter, "Lumos." And then there was light. It wasn't much, but it was something. I sighed in relief.

I didn't look at him, instead I looked around. Shrieking Shack looked like a normal enough place. Well it would have been normal if it hadn't been for the dusty furniture that had been torn apart. There were scratches on the wall that had been made by something with very big and strong claws. As I ran my fingers through one such scratch I whispered, almost to myself, "Ghosts don't do this."

I jumped slightly when I heard him say, "No they don't."

I walked away from the wall to pick up my coat and scarf that I had dropped to the floor when he grabbed my arm, "Wait. We need to talk."

I didn't turn around, "Let me go." I said as I tried to grab my arm back, but he had a firm grip.

"I care." He said.

I looked at him with a expression that was half confused and half shocked. "There, I've said it. I care, Alex. And there are times I've questioned my sanity. I barely know anything about you. What I know for sure is that you don't seem to have a good opinion about me. You like my brother and Severus Snape. You're prickly and defensive and it's hard as hell to get you to talk. But I also know that despite appearances you seem to care about the people around you, most of all Lily. Which begs the question, why are you acting this way?"

"I'm not acting anyway. I was acting before and I got tired of it. I don't need anyone, weren't you listening the other night?"

"I listened and then remembered all those other times where your actions have shown something else entirely."

"Oh for God's sake, why are you so hell bent on making me out to be some self sacrificing saint? Take me off the pedestal."

Sirius' gaze softened as he raised a hand to touch my bruise lightly, "I'll make Stone pay for this." Then his hand moved lower and touched the small cut at the corner of my mouth where he'd backhanded me. "Did he do that too?"

This time when I shivered, it had nothing to do with the cold or fear. "Please." I whispered. "Leave me alone."

"Trust me, Lexie." He stepped closer, his breath hot on my cheek.

"Go away." Our lips were so close.

"Let me in." And then he settled his mouth over mine.

His hands slid up to cup my face and angle my head. I lost myself in the sensations of his lips over mine, his tongue against mine, his hands caressing my cheek and kneading my neck. It was like I was drowning and his kiss was the only thing that could save me. It was like the rain after a long, hot, dusty summer. It was comfort.

And hope.

And trust.

That thought pulled me back. I had betrayed all their trust a long time ago. The moment I had told them that my name was Alex Perry, I had lied. I didn't deserve their trust and I couldn't betray it any longer. I didn't deserve these people and I sure as hell didn't deserve their trust. Stepping out of the circle of his arms, I tried to ignore the fact that he dropped his arms readily.

"I can't." I whispered. "I have to go." Shakily, I picked up and pulled on my coat and gloves, and wrapped a scarf that I had in my bag around my neck. I turned away and this time he didn't stop me.

"Alex." His tone held a sense of finality that had me stopping at the door. "If you leave now, this thing between us is finished. If I can't have your trust, I don't want anything."

"It had never started." I told him and walked out, my heart breaking a little more with every step I took.

**It was all that I wanted from you**  
**It was something you never knew**  
**To let me in**  
**But not tonight**  
**For this is the end**  
**Tonight**  
**I fall**

**A/N:** Hope you enjoyed it. Let me know.


	12. The Bigger Picture

**Disclaimer:** The song is by Nickelback.

**How the hell did we wind up like this**  
**Why weren't we able**  
**To see the signs that we missed**  
**And try to turn the tables**  
**Now the story's played out like this**  
**Just like a paperback novel**  
**Lets rewrite an ending that fits**  
**Instead of a Hollywood horror**

I wandered aimlessly through the streets of Hogsmeade, as I waited for some sign that Stone was back from checking up on my grandmothers. Walking down a deserted road, I looked up to glance at the grey overcast sky, wishing it was dark enough for the stars to be visible. I thought of all those times Kyle and I would lie down in the backyard, back at the Manor, and how he'd point out all the constellations for me. There had been a day when Kyle had found me hiding among my dad's shirts in his closet. He had propped himself against the closet wall and opened the big book that he had with him and started talking to me about stars- taught me about how those diamonds that studded the night sky actually were huge balls of hot gas. Then he had told me how they were arranged and how sometimes they made patterns in the sky. I had been fascinated. I remember him telling me that I could see this for myself and maybe even discover one that no one had noticed before. That had drawn me from the closet, which smelled so much like my father, outside and into Gram's well maintained back yard for the first time since my father's death. It was like playing connect the dots only much cooler.

Gradually I learned that Ursa Major, the big bear, was one of those rare constellations that was visible all year round. And that Ursa Minor or the little dipper was best visible in June. The only way I could recognize that constellation was because of the North Star, one of the brightest stars in the sky. Andromeda, according to me, looks nothing like a chained lady. Orion the giant huntsman of Greek mythology whom Zeus placed among the stars as the constellation. Canis Major, one of the dogs that follows the hunter. Sirius, the alpha star of the constellation and the brightest star in the night sky. Geez. I was supposed to find a way to keep my mind off him and yet here I was circling back to him.

_If there's anything that you need… you only have to ask, Lexie. _

Sirius was also known as the Dog Star.

_I care._

Two words that almost had me running into his arms, burrowing into the safe feeling I got whenever he was around. Almost being the keyword. I couldn't afford to be weak, not when the safety of my family was in my hands. Stone hadn't covered his tracks and now was the time to exploit it to my benefit. Before things got truly out of hand. I needed to concentrate to remember exactly why I was pushing them away in the first place. To keep them alive.

_Trust me, Lexie._

_Let me in._

Masochist, that's what they called people like me. People who found pleasure in subjecting themselves to pain and hurt, people who got off on self denial. I chose to drive him away and on the other hand I constantly thought about him and everything that could have been.

Just then I saw a familiar blond head duck out from an alley and turn into the main street. I immediately picked up my pace, somehow managing to rush after Stone on my tip-toes. I saw Stone's cronies appearing almost immediately at his side, bloody lapdogs that they all were and together they disappeared into Honeydukes, Hogsmeade's most famous candy store. I jogged down the street and rushed past a group of giggling girls into the store. And for a second I forgot all about Stone and the reason I had entered the store in the first place and concentrated the welcoming heat and comforting smells of licorice, grape flavoured candy and chocolate. Tugging my hat lower, I started down the aisles, keeping an eye and ear out for the blond-headed bastard. I had reached the lollipop section of the aisle when I heard his smarmy laugh from the other side. Leaning towards the lollipops and trying to ignore their enticing smell, I tried to decipher exactly what he was saying.

"… and so Sluggy actually believed me! I can hand in my essay a week late. Should give that Ravenclaw idiot enough time to come up with an original one."

Heaving a silent sigh, I quickly checked my aisle to make sure I was alone and then lowered my mental blocks. I jerked, just like you do when you put on earphones and then realize that the volume is cranked up to the max. This was just like that, only worse. Much, much worse.

Stone had gone and visited my grandmothers. As I delved deeper into his thoughts, I thought I heard someone call out my name but then immediately I forgot all about it. The bastard was going to take the Lestranges to 'meet' them tomorrow. But before I could find out what the time voice, I heard a loud voice call out my name. The connection with him broke and once again I could hear everyone's thoughts. Wincing at the onslaught, I turned and my gaze met familiar green eyes.

Lily.

I closed my eyes, the pain becoming unbearable. I knew I had to get out of there now. Wrenching my eyes open, I slammed my hand on Lily's mouth and threw a glance over her shoulder and then mine. Confirming that the coast was clear, without thinking, I orbed us both out of there.

"Wh- what w-was that?" Was the first thing Lily stammered out a full minute after I orbed us into my dorm back at Hogwarts.

I was doubled over, trying to get my defenses back up and get my breathing back into order. The mind was strong, but it was also just as fragile. Given the fact that I was rusty when it came to using my powers, combined with how much Lily sneaking up on me like that had shocked the hell out of me when I was deeply buried in someone else's thought and how I wrenched myself from Stone's thoughts, the headache I was experiencing wasn't surprising at all.

"A-Alex?" She asked tentatively.

"Give me a minute." I bit out, taking deep breaths. A couple of minutes later, I could breathe again and Lily's frantic 'oh my god's' faded out. Straightening up, I finally met her gaze which widened dramatically when she saw my face.

"What" I asked. "What's wrong?"

"Your-" She trailed off, bringing a hand up to her nose and then pointing at me.

Come to think of it, I could feel something warm trickling down my nose. "Oh." I touched my upper lip. Sure enough my fingers came back wet and red.

"Yeah." Lily sounded faint. "You're bleeding." Damn it, it sounded like she was going to cry any minute.

Quickly, I brought the sleeve of my shirt to my nose and wiped the blood away. I saw Lily walk up to Mandy's desk and pull out some tissues from a box and walked up to me. Silently, I held my hand out but she resisted.

"You can't see what you're doing." She whispered and brought the tissue up to my nose.

I snorted. "I've done it a million times." And took the tissue from her. After blotting away the blood, I stuffed the tissue up my nose and sank into the nearest chair. It was barely noon and I was exhausted, physically and emotionally.

"Why are you bleeding?"

"How loud were you when you called out to me?" I asked instead.

"What do you mean?" She scrunched her nose quizzically.

"I mean, do you think it's possible that someone on the other side of the aisle heard you call out my name."

There were plenty of Alexes who could have been in Honeydukes then, but I still didn't want to take a chance.

"Maybe." She shrugged again. "I was standing right next to you. But you couldn't hear me so I shook you."

I didn't say anything.

"Alex what the fuck is going on?!" I winced, Lily rarely swore.

"Alex?"

"Hmm." I answered with my eyes closed.

"What were you doing in Honeydukes?"

Maybe it was the fact that my defenses were down that made me not only finely attuned to her emotions but also care about hurting them. Whatever the reason was, I wasn't going to try and bullshit my way out of this one. "What do you think happened?"

"Were you trying to read Stone's mind?"

I stifled a sigh. "Yeah."

"Alex?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm worried, very worried. Remus doesn't talk anymore and James is talking all the time, you know, that nervous talk. And Sirius gets angry with everyone. Why the fuck won't you talk to us?"

"You can't help me."

I heard the chair scrape back as Lily got up. "It's funny you say that because we're all here waiting for a chance to do just that." And the door shut behind her softly.

* * *

After a short nap, I realised that I had two options. One, I could go to Stone's lodge tonight and get my grandmothers back safely, no harm no fuss. Or I could go and tell Dumbledore that two of the most notorious Death Eaters were going to be in a particular place tomorrow for sure and that we could apprehend them and another potential Death Eater as well. While most of the wizarding community knew exactly who the Death Eaters were, the authorities couldn't do anything to catch them because they had no substantial proof. The Lestranges and Stone would be a big catch, by anyone's standards and the wizarding community could sure use the encouragement the arrests would provide. But that would mean the potential of real danger. Up until now Stone had kept his plan secret from the Lestranges, but the minute he told them what he was up to they would want the quickest opportunity to lay their hands on the charmed ones and the Fountain of Youth. And then things could really go to hell. People died in crossfire all the time. Plus death eaters weren't exactly known for their merciful ways. And the opportunity to land a wicca, a charmed one was too good to pass up. From our History of Magic lessons, we'd learnt that wizards were always looking for ways to perform higher magic without the help of a wand. It was one of the reason why wizards were wary of other magical creatures like the House elves and goblins and the centaurs, it was their ability to wield magic without a wand. Just the thought of placing Grams and Aunt Phoebe in real danger made me want to throw up but then I thought about the Lestranges the some of the crimes that they were associated with. Torturing of innocent muggles for sport, killing children and other family of top aurors, heck they had even attempted a hit on James' parents. Bellatrix was rumored to be Voldemort's right hand and the very thought of crippling the inner circle… That's when the unbidden thought entered my mind. This wasn't a part of my plan for life. Not that I really had that big a plan, but I did know that I wanted to lead a relatively complex-free life. I wanted to tour Europe with Lily and all the islands the Beach Boys' mentioned in Kokomo with someone special. There were times when I would lie in my bed and think of my body in the hot sand and that tropical drink melting in my hand. How had things gotten this bad? How had I come from telling Lily every little detail of my life to finally scaring her away? This wasn't my plan… but then again Grams hadn't planned on getting kidnapped and all those innocents sure hadn't planned dying at the hands of Voldemort and his psychos. Life was what you made it and I had taken my steps. There was no going back.

Finally, with a resolute mind, I got up and walked towards the door. I rushed down the steps and out through the portrait hole. I nearly sprinted through the corridors, afraid if I took too long then I'd change my mind.

Reaching the end of the corridor, I peeked around the corner and for the second time in one day I lowered my defenses to check for any slimy Slytherin who might be keeping an eye on Dumbledore's office to make sure I didn't approach him. I grinned, Mulciber. Another cold Slytherin bastard. Concentrating on the picture of the empty corridor in my mind, I chanted softly:

_Let the objection of object_

_Become but a dream_

_As I cause the seen _

_To be unseen_

Confident of the vanishing spell, I still maintained to connection with Mulciber's mind to make sure I knew that he could or couldn't see me. Grinning at his blissful ignorance, I stood before the Gargoyles and muttered, 'cockroach cluster.'

Promptly the gargoyles stepped aside and a stone spiral staircase descended. Rushing up the stairs, I knocked on Dumbledore's office door thrice before throwing the door open and barging in.

"Professor." I cried out in relief as I saw him sitting behind his massive desk that was littered with magical and non magical objects. Soft light illuminated the room, the corners of the room set in shadows. Fawkes, Dumbledore's phoenix screeched from his perch behind Albus' chair.

"Alexandria." His soft voice soothed me a little and then, looking at Albus Dumbledore peer at me from over his half moon spectacles, I knew everything would be okay. I stared at the chairs that seemed to circle around his desk. There were at least twenty of them and all empty. "Staff meeting ran late." Dumbledore told me in his soft voice. "Is there a problem?" His gaze flicked over my shoulder before meeting my eyes.

"That would be the understatement of the century." I snorted as I stood in front of his desk and across from him.

"So you are aware that it's midnight?" He asked me gently.

Startled, I glanced up at the grandfather clock that stood on one side of the room. How in the hell had twelve hours passed so quickly? "Geez, I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was this late. Professor, God, I don't even know where to begin." Nervously I began pacing the floor, before his desk.

"Are you sure this can't wait till morning?" He asked me.

"Hell, no." I had wasted enough time to begin with. "Let me just talk. Before I lose my nerve and screw everything up." I stopped my pacing for a minute and snuck a look at him. "Pardon my language."

"Be my guest." He offered magnanimously.

"Arbacus Stone is preparing to join the ranks of the death eaters." I told him.

Dumbledore's expression didn't change much, not to the most unobservant of people. But I saw his eyes narrow infinitesimally and the air around him crackled. "That's a serious accusation."

I rolled my eyes. "Don't I know that? Please let me finish." Without waiting for him to give me permission I rushed on and resumed my pacing. "He came to me last week. He knows everything- about me and the charmed ones and everything. He even managed to get his hands on Grams and Aunt Phoebe. He wants me to get him the Fountain of Youth which he's going to give to Voldemort. The Lestranges are helping him. They don't know what his plan is yet, thank god. Cause if they did…" My voice broke as I imagined the methods they would employ to get Grams and Aunt Phoebe to cooperate with them.

"Alexandria." His calm yet strong voice shook me out of my morbid thoughts. "I don't quite follow."

Hysteria bubbled through me. "What's not to follow Professor? Stone's kidnapped them. To win Voldemort's favour, he's going to present the Fountain of goddamn Youth to him. And he's recruited the craziest people out there to help him. I mean it's not like the Lestranges are crazy like Freud and his sick Oedipus theories but crazy like the Leatherface and Ed Gein parading around in the skins of their victims!" I was going to wear out Dumbledore's carpet, of that I was sure.

I took several deep breaths and tried to get a hold on my racing heart and my out-of-hand emotions. Dumbledore said nothing, waiting patiently for me to finish. "He cornered me last week. At first I didn't believe him and I orbed back to the manor… but it was empty. There was a note taped to the fridge in Grams' handwriting for Kyle informing him that they were off on beach holiday, just like he said there would be. I was such an idiot. For an entire week I just… I wasn't even thinking, I was so scared. Your office is being watched now as we speak, Stone warned me about that as well. It's Mulciber's turn tonight. Anyway, I spoke to Kyle the day before yesterday and the Fountain is well hidden. At breakfast yesterday, I finally went through the idiot's mind. I still can't believe I forgot to do that the first time he told me all this crap. He's so bloody confident and cocky that he's overlooked almost everything. I know now where he's holding them, that no one but Stone knows of his plan. I was going to get them today, but another sweep in his mind and I found out that he was going to tell the Lestranges everything tomorrow so I've come to you."

"Why?" He finally asked me.

My head snapped up as I stopped my frantic pacing. "Why what?"

"You were all set to go get them by yourself. Why change your plans and come to me?"

"What does it matter?" I crossed my arms across my chest. "I'm here, aren't I? Just gather all those aurors you have in your Order and when I find out what time Stone's going to meet the Lestranges tomorrow night, we can stage an ambush."

"Let's get two things cleared, girl." Another new, gravelly voice spoke from behind me. Instinctively, I turned around my hands braced, ready to use my powers at the slightest sign of danger. I was sick and tired of being caught off guard all the time. "There now, it's only me." A shadowy figure moved from the farthest corner of the office and into the light. The man limped forward, leaning on a staff. The soft light illuminated his features, throwing them into stark relief. As my eyes roved over his long, grizzly mane, his scarred face, his beady eyes and prosthetic leg. "Mr. Moody." I greeted him as my hands dropped back to my side. Surprised wasn't the word that I would use to describe the sudden appearance of Alastor Moody, one of the Ministry's finest aurors. "One, we're not going to go anywhere until everything is cleared up. And two, you're not going to ambush anybody."

I turned back to Dumbledore, "I didn't know you had company."

"Eh," Moody rumbled, as he took dropped into a chair in front of Dumbledore's desk. "Just one of Dumbledore's pesky Order meetings."

God damn. Lifting my eyes to meet Dumbledore's, I saw a hint of a smile on his face as he shrugged at me. "I did ask if this could wait till morning."

"There are others here?" I asked in a faux calm voice.

"Of course there are others girl, I hardly think Dumbledore and me would constitute the entire Order." Moody answered. "Come on, Albus, turn up the lights." Not waiting for Dumbledore to do as he'd asked, Moody whisked out his own wand and swished it. Immediately the lights brightened. Dread pooled into my stomach as I turned around slowly. Judging by the luck I had been experiencing since the past week, I really shouldn't have been shocked to see a whole bunch of people as they stepped out from the corner where they seemed to have been standing while I had my meltdown. "Perry, meet Dedalus Diggle, Emmeline Vance, Benjy Fenwick, Edgar Bones, Sturgis Podmore, Caradoc Dearborn, Elphias Doge, Aberforth Dumbledore, Dorcas Meadows." My eyes skimmed past the faces as Moody introduced me to them. "And then you already know Marlene McKinnon, Gideon and Fabian, Hagrid, Frank, Alice, Peter, James, Remus, Lily and Sirius." I felt my stomach fall down to my feet as I met the confused, shocked, hurt and accusing stares of my own school mates.

I stared up at the ceiling before resting my gaze on Dumbledore's carpet, willing either the floor the swallow me whole or the ceiling to fall down on me.

"Why don't we all just sit back down and continue this discussion." Dumbledore suggested softly.

"I'll come back later." I offered immediately.

"Stay Perry." Moody called out. "You're not going anywhere."

I gritted my teeth. "I've already told you all I know. And you just made it clear that I can't be there tomorrow. So it's your decision to make and frankly I'm sleepy."

Moody snorted. "If those patches under your eyes are anything to go by you haven't slept much to begin with. What's another couple of hours missed? I have questions and I'm sure the others do as well."

"Hell yes." Gideon muttered as everyone sank into the chairs.

I closed my eyes and forced back down the emotions that just wouldn't stay put. Things had just gotten worse, and I hadn't thought that was even possible. As it is my control was shot to hell, and if the emotions that simmered in the air were anything to go by, we were going to be here for a very long time.

"Albus." My teary voice pleaded him to help me.

"If we sit down to answer everyone's questions we'll be here all night." Albus echoed my thoughts. "For now all we need to know is that Alex's grandmothers have been kidnapped by Arbacus Stone. Sometime tomorrow he's going to escort Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange to the place where he is holding them. He claims to return Alex her family if she hands over the Fountain of Youth." Fabian's mouth opened to ask something when Dumbledore hurried on. "Alex's grandmothers found the Fountain of Youth when they were young witches. The water that runs from this Fountain reverts it's drinker back to his youth. I'm not exactly sure how that works. Alex, would you mind explaining?"

I hesitated just a while longer. "I vouch for everyone present in this room. You have nothing to worry about." Dumbledore assured me.

I walked closer towards the desk and stood in such a way that both Albus from behind his desk and the people sitting across him could see me. "The Fountain of Youth is a legendary fountain that restores the youth of anyone who drinks of its waters. It's currently hidden in a secure location by my grandmothers. To activate it you have to chant a spell. The water that flows from this fountain is to be collected in a golden chalice. Only then is it worth anything. I have the chalice in my dorm right now."

"And what is this spell that had to be chanted?" Emmeline Vance directed her question to me.

I looked at Albus, who gave me an encouraging nod.

"_With these offerings, _

_I call on thee, _

_The Goddess of Fertility, _

_Rise now, _

_Show us the truth, _

_Give us the gift of eternal youth."_ I chanted.

"This spell causes the elixir of youth to rush from of the spout of The Fountain of Youth into the Golden Chalice. Just one sip of this guarantees instant youth. Constant intake of this, and you might as well consider yourself forever young." I was babbling, I know. But I was nervous and scared and hesitant and annoyed all at the same time.

"And you say that Stone wants to hand over this to the Dark Lord?" I had forgotten that most wizards, including people like Dedalus Diggle refused to call Voldemort by his real name.

"That's what Stone said." I answered him. "And there's no doubt in my mind or his that he will carry out his plan."

"You're telepathic?" Edgar Bones asked.

I nodded once.

"Okay here's what we're going to do." Albus finally spoke. "Alexandria will confirm the time of Stone and Lestranges' meeting tomorrow at breakfast and then she will relay it to me. I will send a message to you, Alastor, Edgar and Emmeline. The four of us will head out there and handle the situation."

At this statement pandemonium broke out. Everyone started talking together and at the top of his or her voice, including me. Finally a sharp whistled shocked everyone into silence.

"One at a time." Edgar stated.

"I'm going too." I informed Dumbledore.

"Not bloody likely." Moody overrode me.

"Me too." Lily spoke up.

"It's high time I got a mission." Gideon added.

"If Lily goes, then I go."

And soon everyone's voices meshed together once again.

This time Dumbledore stood up from his chair and silence reigned.

"No one else is going." He held up a hand to make sure we stayed silent. But I wasn't a part of his tight little group and I was past caring. "Like hell. They're my family. I'm not going to stay behind. Things go wrong all the time, I need to be there. I'm more powerful than those three Slytherins combined and you know that. There's no way I'm staying behind. And if you persist with this, then I won't tell you where the lodge is and what time they're meeting. I'll head out right now and get them back. You know you can't stop me."

"What stopped you in the first place?" Remus asked me. His soft amber eyes boring into my own. I had to look away.

"That's not the point. The point is that I'm going."

"I agree with Lupin. Why are you here, Alex? If you can handle this by yourself, then why are you here?" Frank asked.

I sighed and rubbed my forehead tiredly, before running a hand through my hair. "The bigger picture." I told him. "I'm looking at the bigger picture. I know how important nailing Bellatrix and her husband is. To finally unveil the death eaters in public. Besides, it's what Grams would have done. Aunt Phoebe wouldn't have even thought about the other options."

I shot a pleading glance in Dumbledore's direction, "I have to go tomorrow night. I just have to."

I saw the conflict in his eyes before he nodded.

"Professor." Lily stood up. "I want to go as well."

"Me too." James stood up as well just as I yelled, "No."

"If you can go, then why can't I?" She asked me obstinately.

"Well cause they're my grandmothers and I'm not going to stay back while someone else goes in to save them."

"I love Grams just as you. And besides I can fight."

I snorted. "Like hell."

"I'm better with my wand than you." She shot back.

"I don't even need my wand." I retorted.

"It doesn't matter."

"Of course it does. I'm not going to just stand back and watch you walk into danger like that. They say Voldemort himself trains Bellatrix. Use your head, Lily."

"What do you care?" She sneered. "You've made your feelings about me and our friendship quite clear." She turned her head, clearly dismissing me and addressed Dumbledore. "I want to go as well."

Remus and Sirius stood up too.

"Everyone." Albus called out. "Alastor, Edgar, Emmeline and Alexandria. No one else." The finality in his voice shut everyone up.

"What time we shall meet here tomorrow will be informed to you the usual way. Dismissed."

There was a flurry of movement as the outsiders headed for Dumbledore's fireplace. Marlene too grabbed some floo powder and disappeared, no doubt reappearing in the Ravenclaw fireplace. Fabian and Gideon followed suit. That just left the Maurauders, Lily, Frank, Alice and me. I refused to look at anyone of them. Not that I had it in me to meet their gaze. Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Work through your issues and keep in mind that not everything is black and white." I was the first one to walk up to the fireplace. Throwing some floo powder into the flames and disappeared into them. Knowing that the others wouldn't be far behind me, I rushed towards the steps that led to the dorms.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" Rotten luck, how could I forget?

**Someday, somehow**  
**gonna make it alright but not right now**  
**I know you're wondering when**  
**You're the only one who knows that**  
**Someday, somehow**  
**gonna make it alright but not right now**  
**I know you're wondering when**


	13. Counting Stars

**Disclaimer:** The song belongs to Sugarcult.

**Counting Stars.**  
**Hey, I wanna crawl out of my skin**  
**Apologize for all my sins**  
**All the things I should have said to you**  
**Hey, I can't make it go away**  
**Over and over in my brain again**  
**All the things I should have said to you**

"_Where the hell do you think you're going?"_

Technically escapism is defined as mental diversion by means of entertainment or recreation, as an "escape" from the perceived unpleasant or banal aspects of daily life. The prime example of it was me and the way I led my life. Every action, every thought, every aspect that defined me was all about escaping my life, escaping myself. Everytime I ran, I imagined leaving myself behind, everytime I listened to a song, I lost myself in it, everytime I ate something, I ate it so that I could focus on the taste, the flavour and the aroma and nothing else and everytime I looked at a star I imagined it was me in that vast endless space, just floating. Into nothing.

I've always been acutely aware that I was different from others. Back in San Francisco, I was the only one who could perform magic with the wand. I was a witch-whitelighter/human-wizard hybrid, the granddaughter of the charmed ones. Here at Hogwarts I could perform magic without the wand, I could read minds and emotions, move things with my mind, disappear and reappear in a swirl of bright lights… I hadn't even scratched the surface of all the magic the whitelighter in me could perform. Because of this awareness, I had always kept my distance from people. I had only a handful of friends, Lily was the only one who had stuck around for so long. Mark Twain once said that the worst kind of loneliness was not being comfortable with yourself and I couldn't agree more. If I couldn't come to terms with what I was, how could I expect others too?

"Alex I asked you a question."

I turned around and faced Lily. Remus was the last one to step out of the fireplace and the rest of them were dusting soot off of their robes. Looking at their accusing expressions, their questioning stares the exhaustion that had plagued me for the past week, the exhaustion that my fear and hysteria had over ridden finally rose to the surface. When I first decided to come to Hogwarts, I had a simple plan in my head. Back then seven years didn't feel like such a long time. All I had in mind was to come here, spend time with Lily, learn about my other half and the heritage that it entailed and get out. I hadn't planned on making new friends, or that Lily would make them either. I had met these people on the train six years ago and all my plans of emotionless existence and no ties whatsoever had gone down the fricking toilet. Involuntarily, my shoulders dropped and I exhaled deeply.

"I need to shower." I needed to regroup in private. I couldn't face these people now, when my defenses were all but non-existent.

Lily flushed in anger. "You really think I'm going to just let you walk away without any explanation?"

"What's left to explain? You already heard everything I had to say."

The truth was on my lips and I almost said it out loud. But I remembered why I had started this whole charade in the first place. They needed to stay away from me, from my family. They all were members of the Order of the Phoenix, Dumbledore's secret organization who had devoted their time and most importantly their lives to fighting Voldemort and his diabolical followers. Grams and Aunt Phoebe had expressed their desires to help Albus too, but ultimately the three of them figured that Voldemort's ignorance in the case of wiccas was a blessing. As long as he wasn't aware of Wiccan magic, Dumbledore had a secret ace up his sleeve. He had kept this secret from everyone but a select few, even in the Order. Apparently, Moody was the only one he'd told. And I had blown our cover to hell by barging in on the one night every week when he held his meeting with the Order. I hadn't known he'd recruited students, but I had no doubt he would have approached the very people I had seen in his office the moment they graduated from school. Their lives were dangerous enough what with fighting for the Order and everything. They didn't have to be higher on Voldemort's list, in case he found out about Wiccan magic and that they were associated with one of the most powerful Wicca families. The bigger picture, I reminded myself sternly.

Without waiting for anyone's response, I turned around and started towards the dorm steps. Something swept past me and the door that led to the stairway shut with a loud bang. I froze. "The next time I'll hit you with the body binding spell." Lily's voice shook with fury.

Like that would ever work. "I could snap your wand into half, from right here. I don't even need to turn around."

"Try it, why don't you." She sneered.

I turned around slowly and met her gaze squarely. While you could see the rage in her eyes, in the way her shoulders were tensed, in the way her wand hand shook ever so slightly, I was the complete opposite. I had no fight left in me.

"Please Lily." The words tumbled out before I could stop them. "Just drop it."

"Not bloody likely." James spoke up. "What the hell is going on?"

"You really don't want to know. You don't need to." I couldn't drag up an ounce of disgust at the desperation that was so evident in my voice. "Just drop it, you'll be glad someday."

"How can you just walk away like that?" Lily whispered. "Throw sixteen years down the toilet and walk away without an iota of regret or pain?"

That made my own anger rise to the fore front. Irrational, I know, considering I was the one who'd convinced that this was what I wanted. But who was thinking? Because I most certainly wasn't, not anymore. "Yes, you won't believe just how easy it is to walk away from the one person who knows just what a big freak I am and had accepted me for it." I replied sarcastically. "The only family I have left is in the hands of a certified lunatic and the one person I was dying to tell was you, Lily."

"Then why didn't you?" She took a step forward. "Why didn't you trust me enough to tell me about it? Why push me away?" She yelled.

I jerked back as if she'd slapped me. Words failed me as I processed what she'd just said. "Not trust you? Are you stupid?" I yelled back. "Are you completely without intelligence? Do you not know the kind of monsters that are after my grandmothers, my aunt and even me on a daily basis? You know them, you've seen it. You know I've always kept you away from it. This is much worse than that! Don't you get it, Lily. I'm not supposed to be here. Their kind of magic," I pointed at James, "was never supposed to mix with my kind of magic. We're supposed to be completely unaware of each other. Wand magic is a lifestyle, Wicca is a calling. It's much powerful, more elemental, darker. If Voldemort finds out about it, if he aligns himself with the Underworld, it's over for all of us. You and me. Your lives are hard enough, and that was before I knew you were in the Order. You're a muggleborn in a world where people like you are being tormented, killed. They're all wizards who've made a conscious decision to stand against a very powerful, very popular wizard. You think he isn't going to come after a Potter, a Black, a Longbottom for supporting muggleborns? You think he's just going to ignore your existence, considering you're a brilliant muggleborn witch? You think I want to add to that by letting them in on something that would further endanger their lives?" I saw her open her mouth, but I didn't wait for her words. I was on a bloody roll. "I've seen enough people die Lily. I've seen enough people walk away because they couldn't deal. I can't take this anymore."

Lily paled. I literally saw the blood drain from her face and realization lighting up her eyes. "You foolish, foolish girl."

Jesus, I hadn't meant to say any of this. All I had to do was make some flippant remark and walk away. I closed my eyes and swallowed repeatedly. "I haven't walked away." She whispered finally.

"Yet." I added, refusing to open my eyes. I turned away.

"I won't ever."

Angered, I turned around. "You're playing with fire here. Death. And I'm not going to let you."

"It's our choice, Alex." Remus finally interrupted both of us. Walking past Frank and then James and Lily, he came to stand right in front of me. "We want to know."

"What about my choice?" I asked. "I don't get a choice in who dies and who doesn't. No one asks me before walking away for good." I looked into his eyes, those amber pools of compassion. "Trust me, it's better this way for everyone. I don't get hurt and you don't die." I forced myself to contort my face into a passable smile and was ready to walk away from this conversation when Remus placed a hand on my shoulder to stop me. "Don't."

Frank took a step forward. "The risk is worth it, Alex."

I stared into Frank's dark eyes and realized just how easy it would be to unload on them. They would listen and help, heck even if they just listened I would be one happy camper. Jerking myself from such thought I forced out a harsh, "No." I shook my head and shrugged Remus' hand off my shoulder. "No, no. If you want answers, go to Dumbledore. I have nothing that I want to tell you guys."

This time when I headed for the dorm, no one stopped me.

_Counting stars wishing I was okay  
Crashing down was my biggest mistake  
I never ever ever meant to hurt you  
I only did what I had to  
Counting stars again  
_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I spent nearly an hour in the shower and by the time I stepped out of the shower stall, I was all pink and wrinkly. I had washed my hair over three times and the shampoo bottle was nearly empty. I had scrubbed myself with a wash cloth so vigorously that my skin in certain places was raw and I'm pretty sure that I had single-handedly finished off the water supply for the Gryffindor tower.

What right did they have to demand answers when they hadn't breathed a word about the fact that they were in the Order? I understood the need to keep secrets, divulging details on the need-to-know basis. So if I could accept the fact that they couldn't tell me about the Order then why couldn't they return the favour?

After slipping and nearly falling down while stepping out of the shower stall, I pulled on a pair of orange boxers that had miniature pizza slices all over it and a white tank top, I dropped my towel into the hamper that was there for that very purpose and telepathically checked to make sure that everyone else in the room was already asleep. I orbed out of the bathroom and into the darkened dorm. Telepathically, I turned off the bathroom light and walked to my bed.

Looking around I was hit by just how beautiful our dorm was and come next year, when we'd finally have to leave Hogwarts, I would miss it terribly. Whether I liked it or not, for the past six years this place had been my home. With its warm colours and welcoming atmosphere, it had won me over. Considering that the dorms were located in the tower, the rooms were circular. Each dorm had two windows, both opposite each other. The curtains that hung there were a deep red and the tie-backs were thick corded golden ropes with tassels at the end. Right under the windows were two mahogany dressers, one for each occupant. The dressers served as night tables too. Ours were cluttered with night lamps and pictures of family and alarm clocks and other knick knacks. By the dressers were our four poster beds with deep red velvet curtains, one on each side of the dresser. Close to the foot of my and Mandy's bed was the entry door and close to the foot of Lily and Alice's bed was our bathroom door. The bathroom door was flanked by two mahogany vanity tables. Lily and I shared one and Mandy and Alice shared the other. The night lamp on Lily's dresser was still on; the golden glow made her hair seem like it was on fire. I had no doubt in my mind that she'd left it on for me. Reaching out, I turned it off and hopped into my own bed.

Vainly, I tried to force back the memories of happier times in this very bed. Lily and I would lie awake, and talk about everything, nothing. Lily would complain about arrogant Potter and worry about her tests while I'd whine about tough Quidditch practices and stupid Flitwick. Often, Mandy and Alice would add their input from across the room. And together we would all laugh. I also remembered those times when no words had been exchanged. When after long, tiring days, I would just sink into the welcoming depths of this very bed and forget all about the crappy test or how McGonagall gave me detention for 'accidentally' switching Angelica's nose and ears. I grinned at the memory of two ears in the place of her nose and only one nose on one side of her head. It had been worth that detention with Hagrid, since everyone knew that detention with him was no hardship at all. Closing my eyes, I willed myself to exactly that this very moment. I concentrated on forgetting all about the day, the week I had had and welcomed the numbing effects of deep slumber.

**Hey, I'll take this day by day by day**  
**Under the covers I'm okay I guess**  
**Life's too short and I feel small**_  
_


	14. Emily

**Disclaimer:** The song Emily belongs to Keri Noble.

A blonde Ravenclaw brushed shoulders on her way out of the Great Hall with a brown haired Hufflepuff boy who walked in rubbing his bleary eyes. My eyes flicked upwards to check the clock mounted on the wall right above the doors of the hall. It was eight thirty and there was no sign of Stone. I tightened the grip on my coffee mug and brought it up for a drink. My eyes never left the door as I poured fresh coffee into my cup and added two heaping spoons of sugar. Hearing another door open and shut on the other side of the hall, I turned my head to check whether it was Dumbledore who had entered but I was disappointed once again as Slughorn waddled in. I picked through the gummy bears in my plate and popped a couple in my mouth and chewed absently, scanning the teacher's table, knowing Dumbledore wasn't really there but looking anyway. Where the hell was everybody today?

As if on cue there was a flurry of movement around me as Lily and Remus sat down on the either side of me. Mandy took a seat next to Remus and James, Alice and Frank took seats from across me.

"Morning." Lily said as she reached for the plate of toast. Automatically James placed the butter and pineapple jam in front of her. Lily loved pineapples. He gave me a small but sincere smile when our eyes met. I looked away and glued my gaze to the door once again.

"Aren't you going to eat anything else?" Remus asked softly.

**Somebody tell her she can't carry it all**

I brought up my mug and took a long drink, delaying my response. From my peripheral vision I could see everyone reach out for assorted foods as they dug in heartily into their breakfast, as if last night hadn't happened. Everyone was sitting around me as if the past week hadn't happened.

I almost sighed as I looked away from the doorway and looked at James, "What are you doing here?"

James' relaxed expression fell as his features tightened with grim resolution. "We're here to help."

"We know you're here to keep an eye out for Stone and we're going to help." Lily added.

"How exactly?" I wanted to know.

"Sorry I'm late." Instantly I took a deep breath and choked as the coffee went down the wrong pipe. Sneezing hysterically, snorting and coughing all at the same time, I felt someone take the coffee cup from my hand and place a napkin in it. Another hand settled on my back and thumped it lightly. I brought the napkin to my face and mopped up the coffee from my nose and mouth, blew my nose on the corner and then buried my face in it as I fought to catch my breath and keep from expiring from embarrassment. My shoulders stopped heaving and now I could feel my nose burning and eyes watering. God it sucked to choke on coffee.

"Okay?" Lily asked softly.

I nodded, my face still buried in the napkin.

**It's getting hard to pretend we're not watching her fall**

"Ready to face the world again?" There was a teasing lilt in her voice. Trust Lily to hit the nail on the head. Slowly, I lifted my hand and placed the napkin by my plate and reached for my mug that Remus had set aside. Hesitantly I looked up, my eyes met with steely grey ones and this time my stomach flipped. Closing my eyes, I drained the cup once again.

Reaching for more coffee, I repeated my question. "How exactly do you plan on helping me?"

"Well you are going to need someone to hold Stone down as you 'coax' the answers from him." Alice answered.

Amused, I cocked an eyebrow as I looked at Lily. "That's what I'm going to do?"

"Aren't you?" Remus asked.

"Yeah, isn't that how you got…" James circled his own cheek and the corner of his mouth with his finger. "Bastard." He muttered softly.

Jesus, how in the world had I managed to meet such amazing people?

"The bruise on my cheek was an accident." Of sorts, anyway.

"So he did hit you on the mouth?" Sirius asked, his voice silky and soft.

I jerked my head up at the sound of his voice and opened my mouth to answer. But the anger shinning in his eyes shut me up. Who knew what exactly had made him so angry.

Opting for pretend nonchalance, I popped a few more gummy bears and washed them down with coffee. Frank winced. "That's disgusting."

"Aren't you going to eat anything else?" Mandy asked. "Stone bashing will require some strength." At my confused look, she added, "Alice filled me in."

"Joy." I muttered. My stomach was burning, but I didn't know if it was because of my nervousness or the amount of coffee I had consumed. What difference did it make anyway? "Look, I appreciate you guys wanting to help, but like I told you last night, I don't need it. I don't want it. Just forget about it."

"Sit your arse back down." I froze when I heard the angry command. Apparently I wasn't the only one who was shocked. Everyone's head turned towards Sirius, including others who were in the Hall. I considered walking away; pretty sure he wouldn't follow me. "I will drag you back here, don't think I won't." Well that settled it, as I sat back down.

"You're making a scene." I hissed as people continued to stare at us and whisper.

"Since when did making scenes start to bother you Alex?" Okay, him using Alex instead of Lexie bothered me more than it should have. "Frankly, I don't care one way or another but everyone else has their knickers in a twist when it comes to you. You don't care, I get it, but they do. And whether you admit it or not, you owe them an explanation."

"Who the hell do you think you are?" I asked through clenched teeth. "Get off your goddamn high horse Sirius and smell reality for what it really is. I don't care what you think I owe them. If I don't want to do something, no one in the world could make me do it. If I want to give them some answers then I will, if I don't want too then I won't. If I want to leave then I will and I swear you will regret it if you try and stop me."

**Why does she always give more than she's got**  
**She think the world's gonna stop but it's not**

"Alex." Lily placed a soothing hand on my arm.

"Lils." I turned to her, hoping she would finally get the point. "You have to trust me and stay the hell away." I whispered. "Please."

"What could possibly be so bad that you have to resort to this?" She wanted to know.

"Everything." I insisted. "Every fucking thing."

"You're so stubborn its not-"

"Shh." I shushed her, having spotted Mulciber walk through the doors. Several other Slytherins waltzed in. Everyone but Stone.

"Goddamnit." I muttered.

"What?" Lily asked as she craned her neck, trying to see what I was. Which didn't really amount to much.

"Where in the world is Stone?" I demanded.

"With Carmen Sandiago?" Lily answered, tongue in cheek.

"Smart ass." I grinned despite myself. "His cronies are here, it's eight forty-five in the bloody morning. Breakfast stops in fifteen minutes. He should be here, hoping to catch my eye, gloat and smirk. Maybe threaten a little, scare me most definitely. So where the hell is he?"

"What are you going to do?" Lily wanted to know.

"What I have to." I replied and dropped my mental guards.

**She's letting everything in, trouble is that it's gotta come out**

I would never ever get used to that jolt that hit me everytime my guard dropped for the first time. That overwhelming flow of thoughts and emotions, that noise and confusion, the chaos, the roaring in my ears. I was so swamped in that moment that I was blind, deaf and dumb everything else around me. Ironic, wasn't it? Being so in tune with what was going inside everyone's minds but unable to know what was happening outside them. Considering the number of times I'd used my telepathy in the past week, closing in on Mulciber's mind was easy. His mind was well blocked, but I was good. It took me a couple of minutes maybe to find what I was looking for. Withdrawing gently from his mind, I rebuilt my defences and greeted the sudden silence in my head with a gasp.

"Merlin, Alex!" I heard James yell.

"Remus, don't shake her." Lily was saying.

I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths. "You back?" I heard Lily ask.

I nodded wordlessly, "When I finally see Stone, I'm going to fucking kill him." I snarled and launched to my feet. I forced myself to walk, not run, knowing Mulciber was keeping an eye on me, on Stone's orders. I heard a flurry of movement behind me and then Lily was walking right next to me. "What did you find out?" She wanted to know. I didn't answer because I knew if I opened my mouth, I might say something that I shouldn't or worse, cry. I headed towards the Entrance Hall and walked out into the cold, brisk morning. And then I broke out into a run. I ran across the grounds and past Hagrid's hut, all the while ignoring the shouts urging me to stop. Reaching the edge of the forest, I let it all out. With a swipe of my hand, I unleashed a wave of pure telepathic energy. Several trees groaned as they fell backwards, their roots uprooted as the snow fell from their leaves. Birds screeched as they flew away, scared of the sudden burst of wind.

"Sonovabitch!" I yelled on the top of my lungs. I didn't even remember when I'd drawn out my wand, but before I could do any further damage I flung it away.

**Emily, leave it with me**  
**under the stairs in a box**  
**'til your safe an' sound, Emily**

I doubled over, resting my forearms against my knees as I fought to catch my breath, letting the anger take over. That way I could forget just how scared I was, that everything hadn't gone to shit.

I heard footsteps, muffled by the snow, enter the clearing. They stopped short, no doubt surveying the damage I'd wrecked. I didn't even care anymore. Normally I would have come up with an appropriate excuse, make up some convincing lie but not today. Today, I officially didn't give a shit.

I sank to the snow covered forest floor, truly unsure of when my next step was going to be. Drawing my knees to my chest, I wrapped my arms around them and rocked.

Front and back.

Front and back.

"Jesus Christ." Lily stopped short; as she surveyed the damage I had wrought. Slowly she approached me and sank to her knees.

"Alex." I saw her bring her hand up.

"Don't touch me." I croaked. Contrary to what I said, I didn't hate being touched. Quite the opposite, I enjoyed it too much. I drew too much comfort from even the simplest touches… it made me believe I wasn't alone. I snorted at that thought.

"Alex." I heard her call out gently once again. "Honey the ground is too cold."

"I don't think my butt's in any danger of falling off on account of frost bite." This time Lily snorted.

"Tell me what happened Alex." She was still talking to me in that voice people used with wild animals while trying to calm them down.

I looked away from where I had been staring at the snow on the ground to meet Lily's eyes, "I want to, I really, really do. But…" I shook my head.

Lily sighed and then sat down next to me, her arms resting on my knees. "Alex, I want you to listen to what I have to say without interruptions. Yes?" Her eyes were full of compassion and love, resolve and determination. Everything that made her the incredible person she was. I looked away and nodded wordlessly.

"And I want you to look at me. In the eye."

I didn't move. She tightened her hands on mine. "Hey, it's me. I'm the one you shop lifted candy with. It's all cool between us."

"I hate to break it to you Lily, but circling one aisle for two hours, sneaking candy from an already open packet does not count as shop lifting."

"Fine. Remember the drunken table dancing at P3."

"I thought we were never going to mention that ever again."

"I'm not. Just reminding you that I've seen the best and the worst of you. You don't have to hide from me. And the candy eating was your idea."

I sighed and then slowly lifted my gaze to meet hers. Her eyes widened as she saw the tears that I wouldn't allow to fall. "Oh Alex."

**Somebody tell her she's just fooling herself**  
**She thinks she's just fighting the shadow of somebody else**

"Don't. Just say what you have to." I didn't need her pity.

"If you want to cr-"

"Do you remember the last time I cried, cause I don't. It's stupid and pointless. Now will you get on with it?" My words didn't hold much heat.

"Fine. You remember our first Christmas after getting into Hogwarts?" She asked. I did. We'd spent it at Lily's, but I didn't get how it was relevant to our situation now.

"You remember how unbelievably cruel Petunia was to me?"

"What's that got-"

"She kept calling me a freak. Telling me how my hair and eyes only confirmed the fact that I was so unnatural and against everything good and normal. And then you told her that if we all turned out to be what our looks dictated then she should be running in the Epsom Derby with people placing bets on how badly she would lose this time." I smiled as I remembered that. And what I said was absolutely true; Petunia did have very horse like features. "And that time you tripped her when she made me cry because mum bought me Luke for topping class that summer." Luke was the owl Lily was gifted when she stood first in our class in first year.

"Don't make it sound so simple Lily. I had to concentrate really hard not just to make her fall but make sure she fell a certain way. It was classic. Your mom actually made us sign her nose plaster."

We both chuckled. "I still can't believe you drew a crab on the tip of her plaster."

"I can't believe she actually cried about that."

"Well she also tried to throw the vase at you. But for some mysterious reason she couldn't move a darn muscle. Poor thing thought she was paralyzed."

"Stupid cow had actually substituted our tea with mud water. Which fourteen year old does that?" I shook my head, a slight smile on my face as I remembered that afternoon. "Your point?"

"My point is that in our somewhat short life, you've always stood up for me." She saw me opening my mouth. "You promised to shut up and listen." I snapped my mouth shut. "Alex, everyone keeps asking me why we're still friends. You won't believe the number of times James has questioned that in the past week itself. But they don't know you like I do. They don't know that you've taken care of me our whole damn life. Protecting me from Tuny and then Severus. Discretely nudging me towards James, don't think I didn't know… I'm not that stupid. Putting up with my mad moods last year during the OWLs and then getting me through the summer waiting for our results… There are so many things that might have seemed small but… they're not. Alex, you've always been there for me and now it's my turn. And I'll be damned if you take that away from me."

"It was just con-"

"I will beat you, I swear to God I will, if you say it was convenient. I'm bigger and stronger and I can take you on. You made me question our friendship that day and like an idiot I fell for it. You really think I imagined the past sixteen years? I will never forgive you for that. Not unless you tell me why you did it. We're not moving from here till you do."

"Lily, some things are better left alone."

"No they aren't. Not with us. I want to know Alex and you're going to tell me."

"No I'm not." I shook my head.

"What is the matter with you? We've told each other everything. Every single thing. No matter how small it was, no matter how insignificant. And you thought you couldn't approach me to tell me that some psycho was blackmailing you! That he'd kidnapped your grandmother!" Lily's eyes darkened with anger and her cheeks were flushed. "Makes me feel so stupid about all those times I woke you up in the middle of the night complaining about a class, or a letter that Petunia had written or something James had done. I was so selfish!"

Jesus. "Don't you ever think that. I didn't mind it, not one bit and I won't have you thinking that."

"Then why won't you reciprocate? What in the world is that matter that you couldn't find it in you to tell me something to big, so consequential? Was it something I'd said or done that made you think I didn't care?"

"I was looking at the goddamned bigger picture, you bird brain!" I finally yelled, unable to listen to her stupid speculation.

"What is this new bigger picture nonsense?" Lily demanded.

I looked up at the overcast sky, wishing I was anywhere but here having this conversation. "Alex."

"It's like I said, it was important to tell Dumbledore that Death Eaters were starting to discover Wicca. And tonight would have been a good opportunity to nail top death eaters who have eluded the Ministry for so long. The Order and the ministry both need breakthroughs when it comes to Voldemort because he still has to go public with his madness."

"But it doesn't concern you. You could have just altered Stone's memory and gotten away with your grandmothers… why do this?" She actually had to ask?

"What do you mean why?" I demanded angrily. "Just cause I pretend not to care about this world doesn't mean I don't. You're a part of it. People who I've spent a better part of my last six years are a part of it. You're a muggleborn in a world where being you is the most dangerous thing right now. I sleep in the same dorm as the girl whose father was killed by the maniac couple who just might know about my grandmothers and might be doing God only knows what to them right now. I'm not that selfish Lily."

She smirked. "I know you're not. Good to hear it straight from the horse's mouth, though."

I'd walked right into that one. "So what's the bigger picture that made you keep something like this from me? That you refuse to talk to people about yourself, people who you claim are you friends."

**Doesn't she notice how much she has lost**

"You want to die Lily?" I demanded. "You really want another reason to die? Isn't it enough already that you're a muggleborn. That you're dating a pureblood. That you're a member of Dumbledore's secret group who has dedicated her life to fighting Voldemort and his lapdogs. You really like living on the edge that much?" I could see the confusion cloud her eyes before the realization dawned. "You really want demons running after you, soulless monsters who won't blink twice before using you as a way to get to me? You really want Voldemort have yet another reason to come after you- the best friend of a wicca whose grandmothers are the strongest practioners of non-wand magic out there? Are you really that eager to die? The whole goddamn lot of you?" I stood up and started to pace. "You think you would be able to look me in the eye after James is killed by a warlock? Don't answer me. I know you'll say yes right know, but I know better. The moment you realize that the love of your life died because of me, you won't be able to look at me. You'll resent me and you'll walk away. They all do. And I can't have you walk away Lily. Not you." I clenched my fists tightly as the frustration started to build up once again. "You really want me to live with the knowledge that I'm the reason the only friend I ever made is dead. You want that to hang over my head for the rest of my life. I can't lose you Lily. I'd rather we not be friends then have you die. I couldn't live like that." I whirled around to look at her. It hurt to see the tears in her eyes. "I can't live like this. Knowing that you are in danger because you know I exist."

My eyes lifted to the trees behind Lily and my heart dropped to my feet. There leaning against a tree sat James. Remus and Sirius flanked him, each leaning on the trunk. Jesus fucking Christ. I brought my hands up to my face and then ran them through my hair.

**It's like she's nailing herself to a cross**

"Did you know they'd followed us?" I asked Lily.

She nodded.

I turned away, "Fucking perfect."

"Want to rip out some more trees." It wasn't really a question and Lily hadn't phrased it to sound like one.

"You wouldn't believe how badly."

"Will you come back and tell them the truth?" Lily was right behind me and her questioned was whispered softly.

"Did you not hear a single word I just said?" I whirled around, forgetting about our audience.

"You really think I care?" Lily didn't back down. "What kind of person would I be if I walked away because I was scared?"

"A smart one." I yelled. "Jesus."

"No, that would make me a coward. And that's one thing I'm not."

"Lily this isn't about proving a point. No one would blame you for walking away."

"I would blame me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I walked away Alex. I wouldn't be the same person if I did."

"Lily-"

"The world is a scary place and there are a thousand things a day that can kill you. I'm not going to throw away a friendship that means so much to me because it's a little risky. Alex, honey, it's okay to be scared. I mean if you aren't scared then you aren't paying attention, but what's life if you keep hiding from it? I love being with James and I'm not going to stop just because people won't accept me in his life. You think he would walk away because my being in his life threatens him."

**Listen to me, this is crazy**

"That's because he knows I'll do more than just threatening him if he did." I grumbled.

"See, so if you think him choosing to stay is the right choice then how can you justify your bailing on us?" She crossed her arms and stood her ground. "That's because you're the one you are protecting."

"And what's so wrong in that huh?" I yelled, all thoughts of our audience forgotten. "What's so bloody wrong in taking care of myself for a change? I know it sounds selfish as hell Lils, I know that. I fight for the world on a daily basis, so why can't I fight for myself too? I lo-" I couldn't bring myself to say it, I just couldn't. "I care about you Lily. More than you'll ever know. But I care about myself too. Just as much. And maybe a little more. So why can't you just accept that?"

"Because it's not true. And I'm not going to let you hide from it anymore." Lily walked up to me and rested her hands on my shoulders. "Alex, you hide yourself behind your surly attitude and your I-don't-give-a-damn-about-the-world nonsense. But that's all it is, an act. Your real problem is that you care too much and that scares you. But guess what, we're all scared. Just because I love James doesn't mean I'm not scared that I will be killed for that. That he will be killed for it. You think I walked into this relationship without giving this issue serious thought? But then I weighed the pros and cons and I realized that the happiness I get from being with James is worth fighting for. That the good in this world, the magic that surrounds me, that runs through me is something that I want to keep in my life. At all costs. So I made a choice. And these people, they've made their choice too and they're going to stay. Even if you choose not to let them in, they're in for the long haul. And I'm not going to lie to you, it is a big risk and they could die. And you could let that sacrifice mean something if you'd just bother to overcome that fear and let them in. I swear, if you fall one of us will catch you."

**It's all gotta stop**

I sighed. "You make it sound so easy." I whispered.

"But it's not and I get that too." She replied.  
It would be so easy to share the burden, to ease that constant ache in my chest… I shook my head and shrugged off her hands. "Yeah well, just last week they were making you choose between them and me. And now all of a sudden they're dying to help me." I snorted. "Yeah right."

"Yes, make them out to be the bad guys and walk away once again. Pretend like your actions didn't force them into an offensive position. That the reaction they had wasn't the one you had been planning on for that entire week." Lily smiled a sad smile. "They're human and they walked right into that one. You know human emotion and we played right into your hands. But, as you keep making me point out, I know you Allie. I've known you for a long time and you can't fool me. Not for long anyway."

I sighed. She was right. I didn't have anything else to say, no fight left in me. I shrugged my shoulders. And in that moment both she and I knew what I was going to do. Lily's face broke into a smile and she walked up to me and held out her hand. I stared at it for a while before I reached out and let her hand wrap tightly around mine.  
"I'm going to hug you now." She warned.  
"Get over with it." I replied and met her halfway.

**Emily, leave it with me**  
**under the stairs in a box**  
**'til your safe an' sound, Emily**

"Ready to head in." Lily asked, but she didn't pull away.  
"Give me a minute." I told her.  
I took two instead. Finally, I pulled away, dusted my snow covered butt and recovered my wand.

Finally, I looked up to see the three guys still lounging against the tree, acting all nonchalant. And then I turned back to survey the damage I had wrecked on the trees. Shaking my head at my stupidity and insensitivity towards nature. I sent up a short prayer begging for forgiveness and started to walk towards the castle. Lily fell in step with me. I passed the boys without looking at them. If I did, I was pretty sure I would orb out of there that instant. When the thing you're running from finally catches up with you, you'll do anything to avoid it just for a second longer. I had been running from my rubbish for so long that when it finally caught up with me it smacked right into me, knocking me to the ground. And I was still trying to get back up.

**Burning bright you are**  
**like a falling star**

**A/N:** I know, I've been gone a while. And some of you've noticed, so thank you for that. I was suffering from a bout of writer's block and I'm not so sure about this entry. But I still hope you enjoy it and do let me know what you think of it.  
Cheers.


	15. Lost

**Disclaimer:** The songs belongs to Coldplay.

**Just because I'm losing**  
**Doesn't mean I'm lost**  
**Doesn't mean I'll stop**  
**Doesn't mean I would cross**

Halfway back to the common room, I felt this peculiar sort of tingling in my head. I stopped abruptly, causing James to walk into me. His hands came up to my shoulders to steady himself and me.  
"Alex, you okay?" He asked me, concern evident in his voice. But I wasn't paying much attention. The tingling was distracting.  
"Coming." I whispered under my breath.  
"Beg pardon?" James asked.  
"Not you." I turned around. "Lils. I've gotta go."  
"Where?" She wanted to know. "What's happened?"  
"I don't know yet." I shook my head to try and make the tingling stop. "Kyle's calling."  
"Now?" Lily strode forward. "But what about Stone. What did you see in Mulciber's head?" When she noticed that I wasn't paying much attention she called out my name. "Alex?" But the jingling in my head was getting louder by the second and more insistent. Stupid Kyle.

"ALEX!"

Lily's scream drowned out the jingle. "What?" I demanded. "One neurotic person at a time." I told her. "I'm coming!" I yelled at the ceiling. "Shut up, you stupid loser."

That's when I noticed James' baffled expression, Remus' concern for my mental health reflected in his eyes and Sirius' cocked eye brow. "I'm not crazy."

James raised his hands in surrender as if to say, if you say so. Remus grinned and Sirius' eye brow just rose higher.

I rolled my eyes. "I don't know what's up. But Kyle's calling. I'll be back as soon as possible."

"But where are you going?" Lily asked.

I closed my eyes for a second and concentrated on Kyle's location. "Golden Gate Bridge." With that I walked away to an empty corridor and orbed out.

* * *

**Just because I'm hurting  
Doesn't mean I'm hurt  
Doesn't mean I didn't get  
What I deserved  
No better and no worse**

I knew the moment I'd reached the top of the Golden Gate bride, I didn't even need to open my eyes.

The cool, fresh wind with its familiarly salty smell washed over my face and ruffled my hair. Heck I could taste the salt in the air. The din of the city was muted up here, as if the honking cars and screeching tires, the talking people were a world away… as if life itself was happening somewhere else entirely. But it was the blessed silence in my head that was a dead give away. After days of incessant buzzing in my head of the entire school's thoughts and emotions the absolute silence in my head was a slice of pure heaven. For once there was no one in my head but me. And my thoughts. And emotions. And did I mention silence?  
"Hey kiddo."  
Yes, silence indeed.  
I opened my eyes, but I didn't turn around. The familiar sight of the city lit up before me was comforting and breathtaking at the same time. The Transamerica Pyramid and 555 California Street stood tall, proud and recognizable. The lighted blur of the traffic rushing down the bridge, the evening ferries lighting up the otherwise dark ocean waters made me ache inside. I missed San Francisco a lot.

Kyle walked up and stood next to me. It was It was still dark in San Francisco, considering the time difference. At night, the view from here was even more beautiful. This was my favourite spot in all the world… The countless hours I'd spent here, relaxing and giving myself a break from all the sounds, both inside my head and outside.  
"It's beautiful, isn't it?"  
"I don't think you called me here in the middle of the night just so we could admire the view." It really was beautiful, but I had other things on my mind.  
"I knew you'd be up, considering the time difference." Kyle put her arm around me and pulled me closer, "Get a read on the bird brain?"  
"Nope." I sighed as I leaned into him. "He's at the cottage right now. The caretaker was apparently getting nervous, so Stone had to go over to calm the guy down." At Kyle's unasked question, I answered, "He told his friend that. The friend doesn't know what's got the caretaker in such a worry, so that's good."

"Are you okay Alex?" Kyle asked. "You know he's not going to hurt them right?"  
I closed my eyes and concentrated on the one fact that was getting me through all this. "I know. It's just… I'm so tired Kyle."  
"Alex, you have to stop making things hard on yourself. I know it's not an easy life that you lead, but hon, you're only making it harder for yourself. You have to learn to let go, accept change and realize that letting people in doesn't make you weak in any way. Loving someone only makes you stronger." I pulled away from Kyle so that I could look at him properly, "How can you say that?"  
"How can I not?" Kyle eyes narrowed with intent. "Alex, are you honestly telling me that you'd rather not have any of us in your life? Not Piper or Phoebe, not Lily and your other friends from school, me? What about Chris, huh?"  
"Yeah. I guess I am." I answered defiantly. "I'd be free from this all consuming anger and pain."  
"Alex, you're angry cause you care." Kyle took a step towards me. "Honey, your love gives you the ability to protect those around you; it helps you give a damn and then in turn helps you keep this world safe. It's the force that makes you fight all the demons and monsters in your life. You think it's because of your powers, but honey, if you honestly didn't care you wouldn't be fighting. You'd have given up a long time ago and walked away. But the very fact that you're here, those bags under your eyes; that worry in your eyes- it's a reflection of that love. And no one said it was supposed to be easy, it's not. But the love that you get in return, the happiness of being with the person you love- it's worth all the pain. Look me in the eye and tell me that you'd give up every single moment you've spent with Piper or Lily in return for a normal life with no pain." He shook his head as if he couldn't understand. "And what makes you think that there are people whose lives are pain free? You're an empath Alex, you know better than most people that everyone feels pain. But they also feel love. You remember that one time, we were on Heathrow airport? You remember telling me that the love that you felt from all the fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends was smothering… that love was all around us? I think you should remember that every time you start to think that there is no hope for the world."  
"But it's so hard." I didn't want to believe him. I didn't want his words to make sense. I just didn't want to hurt anymore.  
Kyle just took those finals steps towards me and enfolded me in a tight hug. "It's hard but you have people to help you get through it. You are strong enough to survive it all."  
I just hugged him closer.

"It makes you happy Alex. At the end of the day, that's all that should matter to you. It makes you very happy. I know it does. So stop fighting it."  
"Is that why you called me here? To go all whitelighter on me?" I might make fun of him but everytime I was around Kyle, I believed. He really was an amazing whitelighter.  
He chuckled as he pulled away. "You know me, always eager to impart. Anyway, I called you here to ask if you're up for a small visit to Piper and Phoebe. Leon says we should go check on them."

That sounded like a good idea. "I think we should. That's a good idea." I nodded as a plan started to form in my head. "Today at dinner I'll sift through the bird brain and get the exact location. Then I'll orb out and call for you. I'll have to okay it with Dumbledore though. But unless I call to cancel, then plan's on. So be ready for a call at night, yeah?"  
"Okay babe." Kyle winked at me as he started to orb out. "Later." And then he was gone.  
I hung around for a bit. I wanted to escape from reality just for a little while longer.

Besides, this made me happy, so it wasn't wrong now was it?"

* * *

**I just got lost**  
**Every river that I tried to cross**  
**Every door I ever tried was locked**  
**Oh and I'm...**  
**Just waiting 'til the shine wears off**

I sat there, on top of the Golden Gate bridge for a long time. I saw the sun come up and the city light up, little by little. I waiting till the fog lifted and I could see the city even more clearly then I could last night. The sun's rays were warming me up, making the clear blue of the ocean sparkle like diamonds. You could hear the gulls screeching and the ferries hooting, but other than that, there was silence. As the sun started to move higher into the sky, I knew it was time for me to return. This time, by hook or by crook I was going to get inside Stone's head. Literally.

I slowly got up, sneaked a last peek at my beloved city and orbed out.

Turns out, I couldn't have picked a better time to return to the castle. I was just in time for dinner. So I headed straight for the Great Hall. As I pushed the doors open, I noticed that Dumbledore seemed to be making some announcement… something about a Winter Formal.  
Winter Formal was a dance that happened every year on Christmas Eve. Only fourth years and above were allowed to attend. The dance started late in the evening, well past midnight, so that we could share Christmas with friends from different houses. Everyone went to bed late and woke up just in time for a brunch. I still had to attend one of these, dances were so not my thing.  
So while everyone listened eagerly to what Dumbledore had to say, I focused on the one guy who despite my most ardent efforts was still almost always in my thoughts.  
I don't know what it was about this guy, but despite everything I still couldn't get him out of my head. Sure he was good looking and everything, but I knew I wasn't superficial enough to have a crush on a guy just because of the way he looked. I mean, I had been around him for six years now, so if I had to fall for his looks, it would have happened already.  
As I thought about him, my eyes automatically sought him out. There he was, sitting besides James. He was one of the few who wasn't leaning on the table as he listened to Dumbledore. His arms were crossed and in a sea of people, all of them either sitting with their elbows on the tables and cushioning their heads in their arms and leaning their heads on the person sitting next to them, he looked so composed and I couldn't understand how anyone could pay attention to anyone other than him. He was just so compelling. One of the things that made me most uncomfortable around him was the fact that I knew where everyone in my life stood. I knew just how important Lily, my grandmothers, Remus, James were to me. I knew that I was completely indifferent to Peter; that I hated Angelica even… but I didn't know what Sirius Black meant to me. One moment I was annoyed at him, the other time I didn't care what he thought of him. And then I was kissing him. The memory of his kisses never failed to make me blush. But then I also remember those nights when I would stay up at night hating him for breaking Mandy's heart, remembering every other girl who got her heartbroken by him, but I also remembered the way he actually was with them, so gentle, so attentive. That most certainly wasn't an act.

He was unbelievably smart, intelligent, but I couldn't remember a single instant when I'd seen him study. His pure-blood upbringing guaranteed his gentlemanlike behavior, but he wasn't anything like one. He knew about muggle music, he even wore converse. He was brought up by one of the foremost anti muggle families but still here he was, in Gryffindor, friends with muggles and 'blood traitors'. While he gave muggles a chance, he never gave Slytherin a chance… he hated them all. He could seem unassuming and arrogant at the same time. Every single thing about Sirius Black was just so confusing and so damned infuriating.

And why I thought about him so much, I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out. Maybe it was because he seemed so different from what I had always thought him to be. Heck there were times when I saw similarities between the two of us.

Most people at our school love Lily, just like they love James. And as their best friends, people have certain thoughts as to how we are supposed to be. When in fact, we are the exact opposite. We are both quiet and guarded to a point where we come off as rude. And I don't think it's because we want to be like that, it's just how we were. And Sirius seems to enjoy solitude just as much as I do. But he has the kind of confidence I can only hope to have. He knows what he is doing, what he believes is correct and he has never changed that. Not when seventh year Lucius Malfoy and his own Cousin Bellatrix Black-Lestrange attacked him in my second year. He fought back; despite the fact that everyone knew it was pointless. Third years against two seventh years… talk about unfavourable odds. But he had stood up to them. Proud and defiant. A true Gryffindor. I questioned myself time and again. I was hiding in cocoon of denial, from everyone around me. Only now was I starting to get out, and it was still scary as hell.

I guess I am drawn to him partly because he is what I want to be. I want to know him, know why he is the way he is. And how he got there.

"_You're happy now?" _

"_Yes." _

"_You have no regrets?"_

"_I don't want a do over."_

"_How did you get here?" _

"_I stopped thinking about the what if's and accepted what is. Believe in yourself and let go of your fear."_

Who knew that small conversation would hold such importance for me? I did know how he'd gotten to the place where he was now, and I knew now what I had to do to get there myself. I just had to let go. Of my fear. And then just like that the words of a very wise man came to me, 'Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.' And we all saw what happened to Anakin when he didn't pay to heed to the great Yoda's words. I wasn't going to make the same mistake too, now was I?

A thundering applause drew me out of my thoughts. I straightened from the wall I had been leaning against, and walked to where the gang was sitting. The only open spot was the one next to Lily. And ironically, it was right across Sirius. Praying to some higher power for the endurance power, I took the seat and helped myself to some pot roast and mashed potatoes. Remus, who was sitting across James and next to Black, grinned at me, "How did it go?"

Not looking up from my plate, knowing who was staring at me, I just nodded. "It was fine."

"Are we not supposed to talk about this here?" Lily asked me softly.

"It would be better if you didn't. I just have to get a peek into the bird brain, drop a hint on Dumbledore and then I gotta split." I don't think anyone other than Lily truly understood what I meant to say.

"I don't even know if that was English." Remus muttered half to himself.

I didn't say anything, just shot him an apologetic look and went back to meticulously cutting the pot roast and just moving it around in my plate. I knew what I had to do but my stomach felt like someone was squeezing it and the very thought of food was nauseating. Also, I was sure _he_ was still looking at me, I could just feel it. Self-consciously, I tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.

"Lexie, you okay?" Lily asked, worry laced through her words.

I remembered how that name had rolled of his tongue just a couple of days ago, it made my stomach worse. Shaking my head I corrected her, "Fine, as long as you don't call me Lexie, Lils." I still refused to look up.

"I don't get your aversion to the name Lexie, Alex. It's a perfectly normal name." Remus said, pointing his fork at me.

I looked up, finally. Scrunching up my nose, I said, "It sounds like the name of some rabbit or goat or something." I shook my head. "Lexie." I tested the name, but it didn't feel right. Not the way it had felt when he had said it.

Everyone burst into laughter, including him. It was such an amazing sound, deep and rich. I dared a look at him; just as he looked at me. His eyes never ceased to take my breath away. They were shinning with amusement, the edges crinkled, his mouth was set in a smile, his teeth sparkling, his hair was falling into his eyes and to put it in the simplest of terms, he was gorgeous. When he noticed that I was looking at him, he did something surprising; he smiled at me again and involuntarily I smiled back. My stomach was clenching so badly that I was sure I was going to throw up anytime soon.

I clenched my fingers around the fork I was holding as tight as possible as I tried to gather my wandering thoughts and get a grip on my errant organs. Concentrating on my telepathy, I lowered my guard just enough so that my mind could touch Lily's.  
_Lils, can you hear me?_

Lily nodded, concern evident in her eyes, _Course I can. What's wrong with you? _Her eyes were roaming my face, taking in my flush and somewhat irregular breathing.

_Nothing I can't handle._ I answered.

"I didn't ask if you had it under control. I asked what's wrong." Lily said out loud.  
"You did?" James asked in a confused voice and I just rolled my eyes.  
_Sorry._ Lily whispered in her head.

I just patted her hand that lay on the next to mine.  
_I'm here to just get the exact location of the cottage where Stone is holding Grams and Phoebe. Later tonight I'm going to just go check on them._

"Like hell you are." Lily burst out angrily.  
"Lily, love, you do know that you're talking to yourself. Aren't you?" Poor guy, you could tell he was really worried for Lily's mental health.

But Lily was too busy glaring at me to pay any heed to him.

"Bloody mad." James muttered under his breath. I bit back a grin.  
"Alex, are you bloody mad?" Lily demanded.

"Exactly what I said." James told Remus.  
I rolled my eyes yet again. _Can you at least try to talk to me telepathically? I'm going to okay it with Dumbledore and Kyle is going with me. _

_I'm going too._  
"Not bloody likely." This time I was the one who yelled out loud.

"Okay what exactly is going here?" James demanded.  
"Would you shut up for two minutes?" Both Lily and I said as the same time.

"Must be that time of the month." He mumbled under his breath but loud enough for all of us to hear. Lily turned and smacked him on the back of the head just as someone, I'm guessing Remus, kicked him under the table because he let out a loud, "Ow!" and grabbed at his leg below the table and then rubbed the back of his head.  
"You both are having some sort of weird conversation and I'm the one who gets attacked." Uh-oh, James was getting cranky.

"Okay all of you shut up for two minutes." Remus finally decided he was going to take control of the situation. "Obviously there is something that needs to be discussed and we can't do that here. If we're all done with dinner, maybe we should head out to somewhere where we can speak freely."  
"You guys head out." I told him. "It's bad enough Stone's seen me sitting with you guys, but there honestly isn't place for me to sit anywhere else. But if he sees me leaving with you guys, there's a very good chance of the shit hitting the ceiling. Besides, there's a couple of things I need to do."  
_I'll see you in our dorm Lils. Just shut up and leave. I can feel Stone getting suspicious._  
I pasted an angry expression on my face as said, "Would you please do us all a huge favour and just get the hell out of here Lily." _Play along_. I mentally urged her.

Lily, the consummate actress, reeled back and then stood up. The glimmer of tears made me feel like a total bitch, even though I knew Lily could cry at the drop of the hat and then she ran out of the hall without a word. James, Remus and Sirius stared after her and then turned to look at me.  
"What in the world?" Remus whispered, the confusion evident on his face.  
James just glared at me and ran out.  
Sirius continued to stare at me with a thoughtful expression on his face.  
"Leave." I barked at them and then dropped my barriers completely. Having used my powers so often recently, I was able to close in on Stone's mind in an instant. Took me another couple of seconds before I had the information I needed and then gently I withdrew from his arrogant mind. Drawing up most of the barriers, I turned around and mentally tapped Dumbledore's shoulder. He paused abruptly but resumed his conversation with Professor Sprout. I nearly missed it, but I saw his infinitesimal nod. Taking that as a sign of encouragement, I proceeded.  
_Professor. Can you hear me?  
_I literally felt him smile inside my head. _Loud and clear, Alex. _

And then I proceeded to tell him what Kyle and I planned to do.  
_I suspect that Miss. Evans and the Maurauders, I believe that's what they call themselves, will want to accompany you as well, if and when you let them in on your plan.  
I told Lily no, of course.  
Something tells me that won't be enough for them. If I mean offer some advice, I think you should take them along._

_Are you blood-_ I immediately put a stop to that train of that. But I felt Dumbledore's amusement.  
_Nope, Alex. I'm not ahem ahem. _He actually mentally cleared his throat! Who knew that was possible?

_But give in sometimes. There isn't much peril in this task. You've pushed them into a corner for long enough. They trust you inspite of it. Now it's time to reward that faith. They deserve, at least, that much._

_But…  
If they do get into harm's way, I give you permission to say I told you so and you may take great pleasure in it. Goodnight Alex. And good luck._  
With that he withdrew and placed his formidable mental blocks back into place.  
I took me a couple of seconds to reestablish my own. Once the world around me came back to focus, I looked around to see Stone staring at me intently.  
I let some of the fear I felt for my grandmothers' safety reflect on my face and then let some anger be known too. That was enough to distract him and his lips contorted into a smirk. He raised his goblet to me and then drank deeply from it. I shook my head and looked away.  
"Are you back?" A soft voice whispered near my right ear.  
I stiffened. "What do you mean?"  
"Oh, I'm sorry. Was I not supposed to notice that you're a telepath?" It would have helped if he'd sounded at least a little sorry.  
Instead of answering him, I rose to my feet instead. "I'm going up to my dorm." And then I walked out.  
He took his time to catch up with me, but eventually he did. He didn't say anything as we walked down the familiar corridors.  
"Cockroach cluster." I told the Fat Lady and waited for her to swing open. I was acutely aware of the fact that he was right behind me, as I crawled through the opening and stepped into the common room.  
I walked across the room to where one of the fireplaces, separated two doors- one that led to the girls' dorm and the other that led to the boys'.

Suddenly, a hand wrapped around my arm and steered me towards the boys' dorm instead.  
"What the hell?" I demanded as I tried to fight him off. Tried being the key word. His grip was steel.  
"Sirius, what the hell do you think you're doing?" His stoic silence was maddening.  
He hauled my up seven flights of stairs. We stopped in front of a door and then he turned around.  
"The minute we walk through this door, you're going to start talking. And if anything but the truth comes out of that mouth, I'm going to be very unhappy." And that won't be a good thing… the unspoken end to the sentence hung in the air.  
Without waiting for my response, he turned around and flung the door open.

**And you'll be lost**  
**Every river that you tried to cross**  
**Every gun you ever held went off**  
**Oh and I'm...**  
**Just waiting until the firing stopped**  
**Oh and I'm...**  
**Just waiting 'til the shine wears off**  
**Oh and I...**  
**Just waiting 'til the shine wears off**  
**Oh and I..**  
**Just waiting 'til the shine wears off**

**A/N:** What'cha think?


	16. Lying eyes

**Disclaimer:** The song belongs to the Eagles. And Starlight is a song by Muse.

**A/N:** Just so you guys know, I've gone back and made a few changes. In 'The Bigger Picture', Moody does not refer to Alex as Halliwell. Also in the last chapter, I've changed the part where she orbs out in front of James, Remus and Sirius. Turns out, Alex is not ready to come clean just yet. =)

**Late at night a big old house gets lonely  
I guess every form of refuge has its price**

"_The minute we walk through this door, you're going to start talking. And if anything but the truth comes out of that mouth, I'm going to be very unhappy."_

I couldn't. I couldn't handle ultimatums. It was like being backed into a corner with no place to move. Just the thing you were dreading in front of you and a wall against your back. It meant loss of all control and doing whatever the person, who had you backed in that corner, wanted you to do. And I was something of a control freak. Being a Charmed One's granddaughter, all that power, it made me feel like I was ten feet tall and unstoppable. I didn't feel fear, nor pain. Rather, I wasn't supposed to anyway. Besides, I had been cornered once, a long time ago. And nothing good had come from that. Ever since that day, I'd decided that no matter what, I would always have a choice. I wouldn't let some person's expectations or demands decide my path. Not when everything was at stake.

Walking into that room was hard. Telling them the truth, ending this charade that had been my life for so long was scary. All that hard earned control would fall to crap. I had pretended to be Alex Perry for the better part of the last six years. She had been a major part of my life. I had honestly believed that I would have been able to pull of the whole seven years without ever having to tell anyone the truth about me. But, I knew now, that had been my biggest mistake. Had I been at least open such a possibility then maybe walking into that room wouldn't have been all that difficult. So instead, I just stared at the seventh year boys' dorm room, knowing that everything would change the minute I walked through that door.

The truth was that I liked being Alex Perry. An ordinary half blood trying to finish school. She didn't have any major responsibilities other than passing charms. Heck, she wasn't even a prefect. She didn't have to worry about the safety of the world, about keeping her powers secret, about the safety of her family… Alex Perry was a normal teenage witch. Where as Alexandria Perry Halliwell was not. And that's the person who was supposed to be in that room right now. If I walked into that room, then that would mean that the past six years were nothing but a lie. And I didn't want that. Not yet.

Having arrived at a decision, I took a deep breath and walked into the room.

The first thing I noticed about the room was that it was just like the girls' dorm. And whoever said boys are messy never entered this dorm room. I mean sure it was cluttered- magazines here and there, Quidditch supplies, parchment and quills, stuff bought from Zonko's and- wait for it- notes and textbooks too. Their beds were made, there was no dirty laundry lying around and the room smelled nice too.

After I was done checking out the room, I noticed the people currently occupying it. Lily and James were sitting on what I could only assume was James' bed. Remus was sitting on another one, so that must be his. Alice and Frank were sitting on a third bed and Mandy was curled up on a chair- someone must have gone and fetched them. Sirius was standing by the window. And they were all looking at me. Peter was conspicuously absent. Just like he had been for many days now, not that I was losing any sleep over it.  
"Okay." I tucked my bangs behind me ear. "I'm here. Now what?"

"Now you tell us exactly what's going on." James answered stonily. I guess he was still mad about the whole Lily crying thing.

I took a deep breath and walked further into the room and sat down on a bed. A familiar yet not so familiar stormy scent enveloped me and just like that I knew I was sitting on Sirius' bed. Man, now I was going to have to breathe from my mouth.

"Okay." I repeated. "Okay."

Remus got up from where he was sitting and came and sat down next to me. He lifted my hand that was resting on my lap and held it between his own. "Alex. We're here to help you. There's nothing to be so worried about. Just tell us."

I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eye and lie. I just couldn't. Not with Remus. So instead I just started talking. "My grandmothers are a little different than your average kind of witches. They don't need wands to perform magic. It's called wicca. You know how in your world, everyone can perform magic with a wand… well outside your world there are people who can harness the forces of nature, the magicks without using wands. It's more elemental, more powerful. And exactly the reason why it's kept a secret. My grandmothers are very proficient at this kind of magic and somehow Stone found that out. Now, he's got them kidnapped at a secret location, till I give him the Fountain of Youth- I explained that last night."

"When did Stone come to you?" Alice wanted to know.

"A week back." I shook my head. "He thought it would be fun to torment me a little more, so he told me that if I didn't distance myself from you guys then he would…" I shuddered as I remembered the maniac glint in his eyes when he talking about dismembered digits and such being delivered to my in boxes. "Well, it was graphic and I'd rather not think about it. Anyway, like a fool I panicked instead of approaching this in a calm manner as I should have. So I'm sorry for the way I behaved… But just the thought of Grams and Aunt Phoebe with that crazy bastard…" I fought another shudder as I shook my head helplessly, "I just didn't think."

"And you're telepathic?" Remus wanted to know as he squeezed my hand gently in a reassuring manner. It only served to make me feel worse.

I nodded, not looking away from the spot on the red and gold carpet on the floor. "Yes, I can read minds."

"Not all the time." I added when I felt nearly everyone move away from me. "I can control it. So you're thoughts aren't in any danger of being realized. It's not so interesting after a while anyway. And it takes a lot out of me, so really, you don't have to flinch away or anything."

"What did you find out after reading Stone's mind at dinner?" Lily asked.

I closed my eyes as I remembered. "He's going to meet with the Lestranges on Wednesday. He's told them to meet him at his parents hunting lodge."

"The one in Cadleighpark?" Sirius' question had me looking up for the first time. As I met his eyes across the room, I could only nod.  
"Yeah. That's the one. Stone's caretaker was getting nervous with the whole hostage scenario is making his extremely nervous so Stone had to go down there and threaten him a little more to make sure he shut up and did what he was supposed to."  
"If you grandmothers don't need wands to perform magic then why can't they just get themselves out of the house themselves?" Sirius, the ever observant one, asked.

"Because there are ways that wicca magic can be blocked. And turns out, Stone had done his research. All he has to do is find special crystals or mix up a particular potion and use that to block their powers. I think he's using crystals. Potions isn't exactly his forte."

"So, if your grandmothers can perform magic without wands, can you too?" Mandy finally spoke up. Everyone turned to look at her, as if that quiet little girl had the answer too. And then, as if choreographed, they all turned to look at me.  
The million dollar question, if there ever was one. Should I? Shouldn't I? I could clearly recall the faces of all the innocents that had died over the years, the ones I couldn't save, my dad, Uncle Wyatt, Aunt Paige… I could visualize my friends too… with a wound from an energy ball here and there… some fatal, some simply wounding. Call me morbid if you please, but I'd rather be that and accept the truth for what it was then live in fantasy.  
"I told you, I'm telepathic. Besides, Wicca's hard. It develops over the years. My grandmothers have been practicing for nearly forty years now… they have experience. I don't." Evasive, but true. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.

**You can't hide your lyin' eyes  
And your smile is a thin disguise  
I thought by now you'd realize  
There ain't no way to hide you lyin' eyes**

"Be more vague, why don't you?" There was a measure of disgust in Alice's voice.  
"I'm not being vague…" I needed to do something, anything. I hated this feeling of restlessness that overcame me everytime things got uncomfortable… that need to run, to escape. Would I ever get over it? Would I ever make a stand, no matter what the cost? Maybe the cost was just too high. Besides, I didn't care about impressions- so people would think I was a coward, or a liar… maybe both. But it was better than them being dead and not thinking at all wasn't it? Sometimes the wrong thing was the right thing to do.

I pulled my hands free, I got up from the bed and walked towards the door and then turned back to face them all. Lily looked like she wanted to say something, James seemed angry. Frank's eyes said that he wanted to understand me, Alice looked disgusted. Mandy's eyes shone with compassion and Remus'- his expression reflected understanding. And Sirius- I couldn't see his expression. He was standing in front of the window, in the shadows. "You know everything I know about Stone and this situation. I'm going to head out tonight and just check things out… the perimeter, the house itself. You know, reconnaissance."

"Alone?" Remus asked just as Lily said, "I'm coming along."

"Not bloody likely." I told her just as James said, "I'm coming too."

And just like before in Dumbledore's study everyone started talking together. Loudly. And it only stopped when a sharp whistle stunned us all into silence. When everyone turned to look at Sirius, who had moved from his spot at the window further into the room, it just made me want to laugh. And I don't know why.

"You really think you are equipped to handle this all by yourself in unknown territory?" There was a great deal of condescension in his voice and it took all of my self control to not stalk the remaining distance between us and slap him hard on the face. Arrogant bastard.

"While I wouldn't put it the way Sirius just did, but I agree." Lily got up from the bed. I guess, she realized that I wasn't going to be quite receptive to any kind of crap at this point.

"I'm not going to be alone." I growled through clenched teeth as I glared at Sirius. I hated being backed into a corner!  
He merely cocked an eye brow and damn him for looking so good even then!  
"Kyle will be there with me." And I had the pleasure of seeing Sirius' mask of indifference slip. Even if it was just for a second before his expression cleared up again.  
"Who's Kyle?" Did it even matter who'd asked the question? All I could think about was the look of jealousy on Sirius' face. Was it even jealousy? Could I use empathy to find out?  
"Alex?" Remus' voice brought reality back into focus.

"An old friend of my grandmothers'." This time he was prepared. His expression didn't change at all. Had I imagined it the first time? Was that even important? What the hell was wrong with me? This was exactly the reason why I had fought tooth and nail to avoid attachments. They distracted you, took focus off from what was really important. My grandmothers' lives were at stake and I was more concerned about the fact that Sirius wasn't jealous!? Surely even the most stupid of people could see the flaws in that line of thinking. I shook my head, disgusted at myself. "I have to go. I've cleared it with Dumbledore."  
I turned to check the clock mounted on the wall above the entrance door. It was just after ten. Enough time for me to change into something more appropriate for sneaking around before orbing out to Cadleighpark. "If that's all for now, please excuse me." My gaze shifted from person to person. I knew, without a doubt, that if the truth ever came out, I would most definitely lose the friendship of all these people. As it is, they weren't satisfied with my answers and they were reaching into their last reserves of patience when it came to my unpredictable and, on most occasions, frustrating behaviour. If it were me, I would have walked away a long time back. No one was worth this much patience. Especially not me.

James looked like he really wanted to say something, but he didn't know what it was, Lily looked worried, Frank wore a look similar to James', Alice still looked disgusted, Mandy was staring at the carpet, Remus too wasn't looking at me and Sirius. Sirius was staring at me, as if I had all the answers written on my face. The intense, probing gaze met my eyes and I looked away, uncomfortable. There was so much I wanted to say, so much that I didn't even know what some of those things were. Somehow, beneath the apparent derision there lay something, it was right there in his eyes. And no, I wasn't imagining it. Something that told me that if I just went up to him and told him everything not only would he listen but he would do everything he could to help. All I had to do was just take that step. Or jump over the mile long crevice that separated us. But that would mean that I needed help, that I wasn't enough for me. That would mean I would have to take it on faith, lose control. No one likes to lose control, but for me there was nothing worse; a sign of weakness. Of not being up to the task. And still, there were times when it just got away from me. When the world stopped spinning and made me realize that my bag of tricks wasn't going to save me. No matter how hard I fought it, I was falling and was scary as hell.  
I needed to get out there now. "I'll see you later." I told no one in particular and headed for the door.

"Alex." Lily's voice whispered just behind me. I turned around and let her hug me. Tightly. I had to stand on the tips of my toes, considering our height difference. But it wasn't uncomfortable. Not in the least. I just closed my eyes and accepted the comfort she offered me. I pulled away quickly though. I had to leave now, while my control was still intact.

"Be careful." Remus called out just as James said, "Keep your eyes open and wand out."

I nodded my thanks to them and walked out, shutting the door quietly behind me.

**So she tells him she must go out for the evening  
To comfort an old friend who's feelin' down  
But he knows where she's goin' as she's leavin'  
She is headed for the cheatin' side of town**

* * *

**She gets up and pours herself a strong one  
And stares out at the stars up in the sky  
Another night, it's gonna be a long one  
She draws the shade and hangs her head to cry**

The minute I orbed into the forest that surrounded Stone's hunting cottage, I forgot all about Sirius, and Lily and Hogwarts. All I could think about was my grandmothers and how I should get them out now, when I had the chance. Damn the Lestranges and the stupid bloody bigger picture nonsense. I had the chance now; all I had to do was disarm the caretaker and get my grandmothers to safety. There was no danger in this. No casualties, no fatalities. Just a knocked out caretaker. None of the uncertainties that would accompany the little ambush that would be planned out for Wednesday. But I knew that despite what I wanted to do, Grams would never agree to it. And besides, I had already made a commitment to Dumbledore and it was too late to back out now.

The black ensemble that I was wearing, down to the ultra cool black trench coat made me feel like James Bond… God, I was truly sick if I was excited by this situation. Peeking from behind a tree to analyze my surroundings, I realized that I had orbed near the back of the cottage, if buildings that size were called cottages these days. It was a beautiful, and huge two-storeyed building nestled among the trees. It sort of reminded me of the house belonging to the three bears from the story Goldilocks and the Three Bears, or the house belonging to Red Riding Hood's grandmother or even the house the third, smart little piggy built- had be been a very imaginative and rich architect. There was something inexplicably fairytale-like about it and had I not been there to save my grandmothers, I would have loved to just walk around and explore. The brick walls, the towering chimney and tiled roof… with trellis for ivy or morning glory or the climbing roses, whatever the creeper was… It was so picturesque. I could just imagine this place in spring. There was a backdoor that led to the garden, which during the spring and summer was full of shrubs and flowering plants, no doubt. This was a place where children ran about, playing and having fun and then growing up to remember the summers they had here, and point out the trees beneath which they buried their old pets. It was a getaway for couples, who wanted the solitude that this location offered, the romance it would inspire. A place for grand parents to reminisce about their misspent youth, their lives that they lived with each other and retell old stories to their grandchildren as they sat in the rocking chair that lay abandoned in the backyard, all covered with snow. It most definitely was not supposed to be used as a place to hold two old women against their will as collateral.

I circled the house twice and noted that there was no movement was evident from the windows, so I relaxed and sat down on the ground so I could be comfortable when my mental defenses went down for the umpteenth time in recent past. I scoped the house with my mind, there was a man, surly and annoyed at being in the middle of nowhere yet unable to voice his frustration, and there most definitely was no sign of Stone or anyone else. And then finally I touched a mind that was so well known and beloved to me.  
_Grams!_ I was so excited that I shouted her name in my head.

I felt her wince. _Alex? Honey, is that you?_ She sounded tentative, disbelieving.

_Oh thank god! I was so worried, the things I've been thinking… I thought! Shit, so you're okay? Why's Phoebe sleeping? Did they drug her? I'll kill that bastard Stone, I swear-_

_Alex! _Grams voiced echoed in my head and this time I winced. _It's okay. We're fine. Phoebe and I are taking shifts so now it's her turn to sleep. Now can we just focus on more important things?_

I nodded, not that she could see it. _Hold on a second, I almost forgot._

"Kyle." I called out in a loud whisper. As usual he didn't answer my summons the first time. "Geez Kyle, now!"

It took another couple of seconds to orb in. I couldn't resist rolling my eyes, "One of these days I'm going to be near death and your timely arrival then is going to get me killed."

"You do know I can sense when you're in danger right?" He asked me, his eyes smiling.  
I rolled my eyes again. "Grams is fine. She and Phoebe are taking shifts through the nights. There's only a caretaker in there, a frustrated one at that… and Stone is going to be meeting the Lestranges here on Wednesday."

"Can you link our minds together, or do I have to get you to relay information from her to me and the other way around?" Kyle wanted to know. "Like a conference call?"  
"Do I look like a cosmic telephone to you?" I demanded, affronted at the way he was referring to my powers.  
"Can you or can't you Alex?" He asked me dryly.

I pursed my lips and nodded to the ground next to me. "Sit." I told him. "I need physical contact for that." Kyle eyed the snow covered ground before settling down, facing me. I held my hands out and watched as surprise flickered over his face before he hesitantly placed his hands in mine. I wasn't exaggerating when I said, I didn't like being touched.

I closed my eyes. I concentrated on Kyle as I worked to link our minds. _Can you hear me?_ I asked him gently.

_Affirmative. _Was his instant response.

I didn't say anything, just cocked my eyes brow. But I guess he must have felt it cause I felt his defensiveness as he added, _It's the Homeland Security Agent in me. _

_Whatever you say buddy. Now shush, I need to concentrate to establish this three way link. _

Making sure that the link between Kyle and me didn't break, I reached out for Grams once again. _Grams?  
I'm right here honey. _Just hearing her voice warmed me from the inside.

Together Kyle and I filled Grams in on what had happened so far. I was careful to leave out all the dramatic bits concerning my friends and Hogwarts. Grams in turn filled us in on how Stone kidnapped them. While I listened to their conversation, I didn't really take part in it. I just took comfort from listening to my grandmother and Kyle- the familiarity of the situation. I mean, I know it wasn't like sitting in the attic, discussing strategy over the Book of Shadows, while I lounged on the sofa and sipped ice tea or hot chocolate, depending on the weather, with Aunt Phoebe while Kyle and Grams butted heads over the best course of action. Kyle and Grams, both head strong and determined, rarely saw eye to eye on any matter. It didn't help that they both were ultimately extremely similar, both wanting to follow the rules whenever possible, used to taking charge- after all Kyle had been a government agent and Grams had been the head of the family ever since Aunt Prue died.

_Hey Alex._ Kyle's hands tightened around mine, to catch my attention. Damn, maybe I was suffering from ADD- the rate at which my mind was wandering these days, what else could be the reason.

_Yeah. You guys done?_

_Yes honey. Phoebe and I will see you on Wednesday. We'll be prepared. _

_You need me to pick anything up from the manor?_

_No baby, we'll be fine. Although Phoebe will have to hold my hands down. I'm of the half mind to blow up that kid the first chance I get. _

I grinned at that. My feisty Grams. _Nah, I need to get in a couple of shots too. So no blowing him to smithereens, capiche?_

Her chuckle reverberated in my head. _I've missed you hon. _

_Me too. _I replied soberly, with all sincerity. _I'll see you on Wednesday. I- _I hesitated and hated my cowardice. _Love you Grams. And give my love to Phoebe too. _Without waiting for a response, I withdrew. There was only so much I could take before I stormed in that house right now. They were right there… it would be easier than walking through a park. Goddamn the big picture.

_Easy, Alex. _Kyle soothed me. Damn, I had forgotten about our connection. _You're doing the right thing. I couldn't be more proud of you kiddo. And nothing is going to happen to them. I promise. _With that he broke our link as well.  
He stood up and simultaneously pulled me up as well.  
"See you Wednesday kid. Take care." He leaned down and kissed me on my forehead. "Come on, get going. I'll orb out after you."  
I smiled and orbed back to an empty corridor at school. I dusted the snow off the seat of my black jeans and from my shoulders and shook it from my hair.

The Fat Lady grumbled as she swung open to let me in, but I didn't care. I was still riding the high from finally having some kind of contact with Grams. At least, I knew for sure, firsthand that they were safe. And come Wednesday, Stone was going to pay for, both Grams and my, torment. With interest.  
"You're back." A smooth voice called from the shadows and my heard jumped to my throat.  
"Jesus, Black." I lowered my hand that had jumped up to my throat. "Are you trying to give me a heart attack."  
He straightened from the wall he'd been leaning against and walked towards me. "Not really." He drawled. He'd shed his robes too and was dressing in a pair of jeans and a plain white t shirt. Nothing extra ordinary. Only the t shirt was not tight enough to be second skin, but it gave you an idea of what is torso was like… all defined and muscled and shit. And the jeans were old, worn at the knees, pockets… the butt, if only he'd turn around. His hair was falling into his eyes, which seemed to glow. It was just because of the fire, but it looked so intriguing. So mysterious. So alluring. So not something I needed to be thinking about right now.

**She wonders how it ever got this crazy  
She thinks about a boy she knew in school  
Did she get tired or did she just get lazy?  
She's so far gone she feels just like a fool**

"What are you doing here?" I asked him as I took a step back.

"Just wanted to see if you came back in one piece, if at all." He answered simply as he noticed my move. His smile was all teeth.

I clenched my teeth at my stupid move. "Well, ten fingers and toes. All appendages accounted for. Nothing to be losing sleep over. So why don't you head up to bed already."

He didn't reply. That's when I noticed the music playing softly in the background. Someone must have left the player on.

"What do you want from me?" I needed to know.

"I don't know." He answered simply.

I sighed, even I didn't know. We could sit and not know together. So I headed for a couch and sank into in. Seconds later, he was seated next to me.

The music continued to play. The song ended and the opening bars of Starlight by Muse started to play.

"I can picture you singing this song." I told him softly.

"How come?" Interest was laced in his words.

I shrugged, "I don't know. I guess it's the fact that this song is called starlight and you're named for a star. Or the fact that I can totally imagine you being self destructive."

"No offence." I added shortly. And I honestly didn't mean any offence.

"Self destructive?" Was all he asked. "A little rich coming from you, isn't it?"

"At least I'm trying to be civil. Can't you at least try to return the favour?" I was tired of his snarky comments.

"I apologize." And that formal, aristobrat act was going to drive me crazy even faster. "You were saying."

"Maybe self destructive isn't really the right word. Honestly, I don't know, but really the song does remind me of you."

We didn't say anything after that, just sat and listened to the song in comfortable silence.

Soon the song was over and the opening strains of The Eagles' Lying Eyes started to play.  
I heard him chuckle softly, "And this song reminds me of you."

Of all the songs. Of all the songs in the world.

**You can't hide your lyin' eyes  
And your smile is a thin disguise  
I thought by now you'd realize  
There ain't no way to hide you lyin' eyes**

"There's just something about your eyes, something hidden in them… something you don't tell anyone about." His mouth was hovering near my ear, his breath hot fanning across my ear. My stomach tightened and I swallowed hard. "You were lying back there. Maybe you weren't lying, but you weren't completely honest either. The others might have bought it, but I haven't."

"I don't know what you are talking about." I whispered, not moving my head, my eyes focused on the opposite wall.

"Or maybe I'm just imagining things, wanting something to be where there isn't." He hadn't moved either.

"That's plausible." I was thankful that my voice didn't crack.

"Uh huh." He muttered and just when I thought he'd maybe kiss my ear or something he pulled back. Really! I wanted him to kiss my bloody ear, what the hell was wrong with me?!  
"I'm glad you're back with all your fingers, toes and appendages Lexie. It would have been a mighty shame had something gone missing." With that, he was up and walking towards his dorm. "The guys and I drew straws to see who'd stay up and wait for you. I lost." He said without turning from the door that led up to the guy's dorm. "Goodnight." He called arrogantly over he shoulder and was gone.  
The bastard.  
Who, I think, I was falling for. Damn.

**My, oh my, you sure know how to arrange things  
You set it up so well, so carefully  
Ain't it funny how your new life didn't change things  
You're still the same old girl you used to be**


	17. Taking chances

**Disclaimer:** The song belongs to Celine Dion.

**Don't know much about your life  
Don't know much about your world, but  
Don't want to be alone tonight  
On this planet they call earth  
**

"Did you hear?" Lily asked as she dumped her book bag on her bed. She, Alice and Mandy had Ancient Runes on Monday, a subject that I had wisely stayed away from.  
I turned my gaze from the school grounds to look at her. "Huh?" I asked intelligently. "I asked if you heard about Stone?" Fear gripped my heart at her words.

"What about Stone?" I demanded as I shot from up from the window seat.

There was a flash of sympathy in Lily's eyes. "Oh Alex. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. I just meant that Stone's got a month and a half's worth of detention. With McGonagall."

I almost winced. Detention with McGonagall was the worst thing that could happen to any student in school. And for forty five days was the closest you would come to actual torture.

"What in the world for?" What would make the stern yet fair deputy head mistress assign such a strict punishment?

"Apparently he was found missing for two nights in a row. He refuses to tell the truth regarding his whereabouts. It was Sluggy who assigned the punishment." We all know where he'd been. If anyone found out the truth, not even the Stone family name would keep Stone out of Azkaban. Of course he'd shut up and serve the detention. "James and Susan were called to Dumbledore's office. I just met him and he told me the whole thing. But it's all over the school too. Also there's a very good chance that it'll be even more than a month and a half."  
I received the news with mixed feelings. The fact that Stone would be in detention would mean that he wouldn't meet the Lestranges at the hunting lodge the day after tomorrow, but that would also mean that I wouldn't have my grandmothers back home safely for almost two months. I would just have to sit on my ass and wait. And not do anything. And if there was one thing I sucked at, it was being patient.

"Goddamn it all to hell and back." I muttered as I ran a hand over my face and turned around to look out the window again.  
I felt Lily step closer and lay a hand on my shoulder. "I know the waiting is going to be hard, but there's nothing else you can do."  
I nodded, but I didn't turn around. "I hated the fact that we'd be facing the Lestranges and Stone tomorrow, all the uncertainties and such. But the waiting is so much worse." I shook my head. "But then I think that at least my grandmothers are surely safe for a month and a half." I chuckled at my convoluted thinking dryly. "God, I'm such a coward."

"No, don't sa-"

"Lily please." I interrupted her. "Of course I am a coward. I lied last night. I've been lying for the past six years. I've been hiding Lils. I'm not Alex Perry. I'm a Halliwell. Not admitting it out loud doesn't make it not true. I seem to have fooled all these people, but I can't fool myself. Or Sirius for some reason." I stared hard at the trees that marked the beginning of the Forbidden Forest, catching some movement just beyond the trees. My life was like that forest. From a distance it seemed perfect, safe and quiet. But you just had to look a little closely to see just how secretive and dangerous it actually was. For everyone; those who were a part of it and those were interested in it. "I don't know how he knows, but he knows that something's up. And that should scare me, I should try harder to make him forget his suspicions, I should be keeping my distance. Just as I have for all these years. But there's something different this year Lils. Something I can't put my finger on. I don't seem to have the energy to lie anymore. It's so stupid, but…" I trailed off. I couldn't explain it properly.

"You'll figure it out. We can figure it all out together." Her hand on my shoulder tightened before she moved away. "Anyway, let's go for dinner. Try and eat something and tonight you'll take a sleeping drought, even if I have to pin you down and pour it down your throat myself."

Stubborn, caring Lily. "I'm not going down with you guys. Keeping my distance from you guys is Stone's stipulation. And I intend to follow it. Besides, I'm not all that hungry anyway. I'm going to go see if I can go meet Dumbledore. Pick his brain a little."

"Alex, you need to eat. No offense honey, but you're a mess. You have circles under your eyes that are darker than James' hair and I would have thought it to be impossible but you've lost actually lost weight. And you can't afford to lose weight Alex; you're tiny enough to begin with. You didn't sleep a wink last night… and ever since this mess started you've barely gotten three hours of sleep every night. I know you don't sleep well anyway, but this is pushing it. It hurts to see you this way. I would say talk to me, it'll help, but for all the years of our friendship, you're nearly as much of a mystery to me as you are to the others."

I couldn't have this conversation, not right now when I still needed to know what was going to happen to my grandmothers. I wanted to see Dumbledore, heck I was prepared to go seek Stone out too. "Not now Lily." I told her. "I… I can't. Not now." I shook my head to illustrate my point.

"See." Lily cried. "If the conversation isn't something you're comfortable with, you get restless. You run. You quit."

"I'm not a quitter Lily." Was I? "I don't quit things."

"Of course you do. It's all you've ever known, Alex. Your uncle quit magic, your mom quit you. The way you see it, your magic quit you when you needed it the most. So you quit people. You've nearly quit magic. You quit. It's what you know how to do."

I couldn't believe what Lily was saying. I saw the confusion, the struggle to understand me, the struggle to accept me… it was all there on her face and in her eyes. My best friend didn't know me. What in the world was wrong with me? "Lily," I breathed as the truth finally starting to sink in, "No."

"Alex, you can't go on like this. It'll," Lily hesitated before completing the sentence, "send you to an early grave. Is that what you want?"

"I'm not suicidal, Lils." I wasn't.

Lily actually snorted. "The number of times you've scryed for random evil because you were restless and didn't have anything better to do, all those times you've stood at the edge of that spot on top of Golden Gate bridge…" Lily shook her head. "You might not have tried to kill yourself, but you don't seem all that concerned about keeping yourself alive and well."

"When are you going to stop suggesting I'm suicidal?" I demanded getting angry. Not because what she was saying wasn't true. But because it was.

"When you start acting like somebody who wants to live Alex." Lily answered firmly. "Not surviving Alex. But actually living."

"You don't know what you're talking about." I nearly yelled.

"What happened on your father's death anniversary this year? Correct me if I'm wrong, but you were actively blocking out Kyle as you went on a rampage, killing nine demons in one day. Alex, do you remember that gaping wound on your thigh that took Kyle nearly a minute to heal?"

"Most of those demons were on my grandmother's list for vanquishing anyway, and the summer had just started… I wanted to help." I defended myself.

"And that time when you nearly fell off the top of the bridge because you were leaning so far out." Damn Lily and her ability to remember everything.

"I lost my balance."

Lily shook her head in disappointment. "Alex, there are days when I don't know how you get up in the morning. I honestly don't. Your father died tragically and your mom abandoned you. Which is why you're scared of forming attachment and you can't let anyone care about you, or get close to you. It all really, really sucks. I get that." Lily's expression softened as her she took a step closer towards me, "But Alex you're only sixteen years old. There's the rest of your life ahead for you. And I'm not going to lie to you; it is going to be hard and painful. But honey, it's the people that walk that journey with you that make the ride worth your while. And there will be times when it's not hard or painful. There will be times when you will look forward to it. Just stop fighting everything in your life. You think you're fighting off the bad, but you're also keeping the good away."

"Everything is just crazy Lily." I turned around and sank onto my bed. "All the time. It's always one massive crisis after another… I've forgotten what normal feels like."

"Talking about it helps. It really does."

I shook my head. "I can't talk about it. You know that… I just can't talk about myself."

"Alex." Even she didn't know what to tell me anymore.

"I feel like I'm going crazy Lily." I stared at the carpet, defeated.

"Why do you feel that way?" Lily asked, a hint of desperation seeping into her voice.

"The question's not why I feel like it. The question is how come you don't. In the face of what you can lose in a day, in an instant, I can't help but wonder what the hell it is that makes you hold it together."

"James." She answered instantly. Without a doubt, without hesitation. "In moments like these, when the troubles cascade towards me like a flood, James is my anchor Alex. He keeps me from flowing away, from drowning."

"Can I borrow him?" I asked with a crooked smile.

"He's already here to help you. Remus, Alice, Mandy… We're all here Alex."

"What if I'm not ready?" I wanted to be ready. I wanted to want to be ready.

"Small steps, Alex. All it takes is small steps."

**You don't know about my past, and  
I don't have a future figured out  
And maybe this is going too fast  
And maybe it's not meant to last**

Before I could even think of a reply the door opened and Alice and Mandy dragged their tired bodies and deposited them on their respective beds.

"Professor Babbling babbled on and on and on." Mandy sounded like she was in a trance.

"Old bag refused to stop talking." Alice sounded cranky. "I swear other than Lily no one else seemed to have the slightest inclination to listen what she had to say."

I grinned. "Well, I'm sure it's nothing a hot meal and Frank ooh-ing and aah-ing over you won't cure."

"True." Alice sounded better already.

"Alice, if he doesn't ask you out, I think you should do it for him." Lily told her, as she ran a comb through her hair.

That made Alice sit up. "Why do you think he hasn't done it yet?" She demanded. "You think, maybe, he doesn't fancy me after all?"

I rolled my eyes. "That's not true." Mandy answered for me. "I've seen the way he looks at you. I think he's just scared." Didn't I know that feeling all too well.

Alice nodded, doubt still clouded her eyes. "But November's ending already. How much time does he need?"

"Sometimes all the time in the world isn't enough." I was doing the thinking out loud thing again.

"What do you mean?" Alice asked me with interest.

"Okay, here's my take on it. See till he doesn't ask you, there's always that fifty percent chance that you will say yes. But then if he asks, and you say no, then there's no hope left. He obviously doesn't know that you're eager to say yes. Some hope is better than no hope."

"Yes, that makes sense." Alice nodded slowly. "Did you… you know, read his mind?"

"Of course not." I didn't. I used empathy, totally different. "I'm just the queen of avoidance and all things pessimistic." I grinned to let them know I was kidding. Well, sort of.

"But what if he's too scared?" Alice demanded. "I mean, I get uncertainties. I do. But the fact that he doesn't want to get over his fears, doesn't that mean he's not committed enough? That he doesn't want it bad enough?"

I would have been offended at that question, I should have. I knew that it was a question meant about Frank's as well as my own behaviour. "Sometimes, that's the reason. And sometimes you don't take that step because you'd rather have something that you don't want but happy with rather than not have anything and be completely miserable. He likes you Alice, so rather than have things awkward if they don't work out between the two of you, he's being a friend, a part of your life. Sometimes that's all you can have."

"Alex makes sense." Mandy nodded. I smiled at her, grateful for her support.

"Okay, let's head down for dinner. The boys have already eaten, so it's just us girl." Lily commanded. She really was bossy.

"I ate too, actually." At Lily's disbelieving look, I laughed. "I honestly did. I was starving anyway, and besides, there are cupcakes for dinner." I told him, my eyes gleaming.

"You stole a plate, didn't you?" Mandy demanded.

I smirked mischievously and nodded towards my bed side table. There was a plate of still warm, some chocolate-y and gooey, some with lots of frosting and sprinkles and some plain vanilla, but all of them just as delicious.

"I don't understand your baked goods addiction."

"You don't have to." I told Alice happily.

"Cookies, cakes, fairy cakes, muffins, brownies…" Mandy shook her head helplessly.

"Don't forget pies, tarts and pastries." Lily reminded.

"And breads and quiches." I sighed dreamily.

"Okay, now I'm starving." Alice jumped off the bed and headed off to the bathroom to splash some water on her face. She came out just as Mandy retied her ponytail.

"Alex, you sure you're not coming for a second dinner?" Lily asked just to be certain.

"Nah, you guy go ahead. I have to write a fifteen inches long essay on aguamenti and why it should not be used when your wand is pointing at a teacher." Charms truly was the bane of my existence and in itself was saying a lot.

The girls just laughed as they headed out and to the Great Hall, no doubt. I just shook my head, unused to the light moments we shared, so few and sporadic as they were. Gathering up my Charms books and writing supplies into my bag and scooping up the plate piled high with cupcakes, I headed down to the common room. Lily was always telling me that I should spend more time down there, rather than the library or the dorm or some other corner all by myself. The common room was quite empty considering it was dinner time. And those who were done with their dinner, no doubt, had found better ways to amuse themselves than to hang around in their common room.  
I chose the coffee table in front of one of the many fires that were blazing, and settled down on the floor. Setting down my plate full of goodies, I reached into my bag and pulled out the rough draft of my essay and started to write out the final copy.

"Alex, my friend!" Suddenly out of nowhere someone thumped me on the back. The jerk had my quill dragging against the parchment making it seem as though I'd suffered a seizure during the course of writing my essay. "How are you?"

"Fighting cardiac arrest, James." I growled, as I pulled out my wand and stabbed my parchment with it, effectively making the squiggle disappear.

"You know, you always had a really quirky sense of humour." James continued in a voice so jovial that he sounded like Santa Claus on a sugar high. Immediately, I reached out and smacked Peter's hand, making him drop my cupcake.

"I might be writing the most ridiculous punishment ever set, but that doesn't make me stupid." I informed James as I glared at Peter, who was rubbing his hand. "Don't touch my cupcakes."

"Aw, one fairy cake isn't going to kill you." James whined. Yes, the Head Boy was whining.

"It might not, but it was most definitely kill you." I warned him. "So stay away." I scribbled a few more words and set down my quill with flourish. "There, all done."

"Is it that aguamenti essay?" Remus asked, as he sat down on the couch across me. James and Frank took seats on his either side. Peter was balancing himself on the armrest next to James, at which I rolled my eyes and Sirius sat down on the floor, on my right. And just like that, it felt like I'd swallowed a firework... my stomach was all tingling and fluttering. Calmly, I reached for my plate and set it before me. I chose a cupcake with pink frosting, blue squiggles and lotsa sprinkles. I pulled down the thin paper lining and bit into the light frosting that covered the perfectly moist and delicious chocolate flavoured cake that lay beneath. I closed my eyes as the flavours exploded in my mouth. The light, almost sickly sweet taste of the frosting, the bitter-sweet taste of the cake, the butter that had been used abundantly with the light flavour of rum… God, it was heaven. I'm pretty sure I groaned out load.

"That good, huh?" Remus asked with amusement.

"You have no idea." I replied, my mouth still full of delicious cupcake.

"You know Alex; it's against the rules to bring food up to common rooms." James reminded me in an irritated voice.

"Then it's a good thing that I'm not giving you any. Wouldn't want you getting into any trouble." I went back to devouring my cupcake. Once I was done, I folded the wrapper, licked my fingers clean and dusted my hands.

"So, how goes it boys?" I asked, grinning.

"My, my." Peter remarked. "Food does put you in a good mood, doesn't it?"

A retort was on the tip of my tongue when Frank interjected, "Uh, Alex." He rubbed the corner of his mouth and pointed at me, "You've got a little icing right there."

"Where?" I asked as I rubbed my hand where he was pointing.

"No, a little higher." Frank directed. "Okay a little lower."

"Now to your right, no left. I said left Alex!" James cried.

"Well, which one is it. Right or left?" I demanded.

"Here, let me." The deep, silky voice whispered right next to my ear. I hadn't even felt him move up until that point where his breath was warming my ear. Just like last night. I felt the smooth pad of his finger swipe at the spot somewhere near my mouth. Had we been playing pin the tail on the donkey, and the spot where he'd just touched me been the right spot on the donkey's bum, I would have been able to pick out the spot on my first chance, blind folded. It tingled and burned, just like my stomach. Goddamn bloody hell.

I couldn't resist looking at him. The slight amusement that tightened the corner of his eyes, the indulgent quirk of his mouth, the intelligence in his grey eyes… I really could get lost in those eyes. So lost.  
I smiled at him and surprisingly, he smiled back.

"Alex, you didn't answer my question." Remus' voice made me look away and focus back on reality.

"Huh?" I asked blankly, before remembering. "Oh, yeah. It's the aguamenti essay."

"So you really did blast Flitwick with jets of water?" James laughed.

"Long enough to knock him over the desk. Once again." I shook my head helplessly.

"How many times have you managed to knock him over?" Sirius asked.

"Too many." I looked at him as I answered and then looked away once again.

"Anyway," I drawled, before the topic shifted to my not so stellar Charms skills, "Frank. Did you know Alice has already picked out the dress she's going to wear for the Winter Dance?" A blatant lie, but he needed some prodding if he was going to ask Alice out before the end of the century.

"Really?" Suspiciously, Frank's voice had shifted to a higher pitch.

"Yeah. It's a deep red gown with a slit up to the thigh." Geez, I can't believe I was making up this crap and that Frank was actually buying it. "I think there is some lace work too." I grinned at the strangled noise he made when I mention the lace. Theatrically, I started piling up my books, "Lily thought it was too bold. Personally, I agree. What about you?"

"Yes, I do too." Frank squirmed in his seat.

"Anyway, Mandy wants her to go with this other dress she has, it's all short and flirty… you know, with criss cross tie ups all down her back. That one's black, I think."

"Really?" He was actually tugging at his collar.

"There's also talk that Amos Diggory is going to ask her out." I shrugged. "So you should make your move before that."

"Yes, I agree." Frank answered without thinking. I wonder what was occupying his thoughts at the moments. Lacy dresses or certain handsome Hufflepuff prefects? "Wait, what?" Frank demanded.

"When are you going to tell her you're in love with her?" I asked.

"She wants to go with that ponce Diggory?" Frank got up from his seat and started to pace distractedly. Abruptly, he stopped. "And I'm not in love with her." He mumbled half to himself, looking stressed. Poor thing, my lies had probably taken ten years off his life.

I just raised my eye brows in response. The boys just watched us in amusement.

"I don't, okay." Me thinks the gentleman doth protest too much. "Besides, she likes Diggory. I thought she did, and now you're saying he's going to ask her out." Frank resumed his pacing, "What's the point anyway?"

I rolled my eyes. "She said she thought he had nice eyes. Nothing about liking him."

"Nice eyes. Love. Same difference." I rolled my eyes again.

"And you get offended everytime someone says boys are stupid." I reached for a plain vanilla cupcake and chucked it at Frank's head. "Hey!" He cried as he rubbed his head and bent over to pick up the treat. "Dude, did you not hear me last night when I said that I can read minds?" I reminded him. "I don't do it intentionally, but there are times when your thoughts are just too persistent that they get past the blocks I put up. So you should trust me when I tell you that it's time to man up and take that plunge, Frank. Before it's too late."

**But, what do you say to taking chances?  
What do you say to jumping off the edge?  
Never knowing if there's solid ground below  
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay  
What do you say?**

Frank looked at me with such naked desperation and love in his eyes that something in my chest actually hurt. I wanted someone to look like that at me, for me. "But with the war… I'm a Longbottom… she's a half blood. It's so bloody dangerous, I can't be selfish."

"I'm going to stop you right there mate." James answered for me. "I'm a Potter. Lily's muggleborn. But we're giving it a chance. Frank, I've heard you moon over her for years, and now it's time to act on it. Before she loses all hope in you, mate. I know it's scary and there are times when I can't sleep for fear of the day when Lily won't be with me anymore, of the day when she'll be taken away… I won't make it then. But maybe I will, and the one thing that'll keep me going then, for sure, will be the memories of the times we shared."

"Besides, she's already a part of the Order. She's going to be there, right in the thick of things. Don't you want to be there by her side, making sure she's safe?" Remus asked.

"And mate, don't you want someone to come home to, after the missions that will make you question everything good and pure in this world? The days when you think all hope is lost?" Sirius's question had me looking at him. So that's what he wanted… hope. Security. Something to come back home too.

Poor Frank. I saw the need to do and to not do something. I wished there was something I could do to make his doubts go away. I saw him look at me, "Does she feel the same way?"

"I wish I could tell you what's on her mind. But I can't." I shrugged. "She's my friend, and her thoughts are no one else's but her own, unless she chooses to share them. I won't betray her confidence either way."

"But you read mine and you're the one who started this conversation. Aren't you making my thoughts yours?" Frank demanded.

"You're right. And if I've taken too many liberties, stop me right now. I'll even apologize. But I know just how much this has been bothering you, how it's weighing on your mind. And I just wanted to help." I held my hands up in surrender.

I saw the fight in his stature, his last ditch effort to keep Alice safe. And then I saw the fight go out of him, it was right there in the droop of his shoulders and in the defeat of his stance. "I'll go find her now, before…" He looked at me again. It was like he wanted to me understand him, to explain to him… God, I hated empathy! "Go before you lose your nerve? Yeah, go. Talk to her Frank." I smiled at him. I stood up and grabbed the plate of cupcakes and walked up to him and offered him the plate. "Eat one. It'll calm you down. The chocolate is good for you. It lowers your blood pressure. It also been linked to serotonin secretion in your body." Frank smiled and reached for the chocolate cupcake.

"What in the world is serotonin?" James demanded.

"It's a gastrointestinal neurotransmitter." I answered.

"Yes, thank you. Now it makes complete sense to me." He remarked dryly.

"It basically acts as an antidepressant, okay?" I replied. "Just let the guy eat his cupcake in peace so that he can go talk to Alice."

Finished with the cupcake, Frank headed off towards to portrait hole. I smiled down at the plate of cupcakes before handing it over to James.

"Here, happy?" James just grinned.

Suddenly Frank was back. He reached down and kissed me on the cheek. "Thank you Alex." And this time he was gone, for good.

I went and took his place, next to Remus. "You did well, Allie." Remus patted my thigh gently.

I leaned my head against his shoulder and smiled. I could still feel _his_ gaze on me. I tried to ignore it but I couldn't. Finally, I looked at him. What was it about him that made me feel like I could look at him forever and never get tired of it? I knew it wasn't his looks, I knew I wasn't that shallow. I hated things I couldn't understand, mysteries irritated me. I was the kind of person who read the last chapter of books first, read up synopses of movies before watching them…. watched the end of movies that I rented out… I just couldn't handle not knowing. But still, for some reason, the mystery that was Sirius Black was just so alluring. What did he think of me? Did he like me? Did he have feelings for Angelica? What were his thoughts on last night? What was on his mind when he was looking me like that, with his hooded gaze? So many questions and not one answer.

"Allie, I'm heading up to bed." Remus told me. I lifted my head and looked at him. His unnaturally lined face was drawn, as if he were in pain. His amber eyes were blood shot and his salt and pepper hair was limp.

"Remus, you look like hell." I whispered.

"Alex, you do flatter me." But his eyes crinkled with humour.

"No really. You look exhausted."

"I didn't sleep well last night, is all. Something tells me I won't be sleeping well tonight as well."

"Not tomorrow night surely." Peter remarked.

I don't know what it was that he said, because Remus turned around to shoot him a sharp look, while James smacked him on the head and Sirius shot up to his feet.

"Sorry." Peter murmured.

"I don't understand." I really didn't. What just happened?

"I have some assignments that are long pending and due soon… That's all." Remus leaned forward, kissed me on my forehead and with a swish of his robe, headed up to his dorm. Sirius, who was still looking at Peter with an intense expression, narrowed his eyes as the rat squirmed beneath his gaze.

"I'm going out for some fresh air." Peter squeaked and disappeared.

James too stood up, "I have to patrol tonight." With that, he too leaned over and placed a kiss on my brow.

"Night Perry."

"I always knew you were more than good enough for her." I told him with a smile.

"Glad to know I have your support." He smiled back.

"You always did."

"It was a shocker, but I truly appreciate your help in making Lily and me happen."

"Take care of her."

"Always." He whispered and moved away.

He placed a hand on Sirius' shoulder as he passed him on his way out. And just like that it was Sirius and me alone.

"Sirius?"

"What love?" There was that word again. Accompanied by that light feeling in my chest.

"Do you hate everyone in your family?" Note to self: open mouth and insert foot.

He didn't answer. Not right away. I saw him get off the floor and walk up to the couch. I felt the couch dip as he sat down next to me. He was heavy enough that I fell into him, right across his chest. He was warm, his muscles hard but soft enough that it was uncomfortable to be leaning against him. Before I could move away, his arm wrapped around my shoulders and he hauled my closer, adjusting his and my body as the same time so that we were sitting more comfortably, with me leaning up against his chest. I could hear his heart beat, steady and strong, a personification of the guy himself. I should have pulled away. In a minute, I told myself. It just felt so good to lean on someone, have someone hold me. Especially Sirius… when he held me, I actually felt safe.

"I have a cousin, Andromeda. She's Bellatrix's and Narcissa's sister. She ran away and married a muggle, Ted Tonks. They have a daughter; she's almost four years old. Her name is Nymphadora. I had an uncle too, Alphard. He was my father's brother. He died during the summer, leaving me all his earthly possessions."  
You could hear the love he had for Andromeda and his uncle. The sadness in his voice as he spoke of his uncle's death. I snuggled closer, hoping to offer some comfort. The kiss he brushed against my temple told me he appreciated my efforts. He talked about how he didn't want his uncle's fortune, the estates in Greece, Spain, France and Italy, the house in London itself. He rubbed the ring he wore on the fourth finger of his right hand. "This was Alphie's too." I squinted against the bad lighting, hoping to read the tiny writing. It was a family seal, no doubt. "Toujours Pur." He read out for me.

"Forever pure." I translated. "I speak a little french." I told him unnecessarily. "You have a tattoo that says the same thing on your back, no?"

"I would remember had I ever been without a shirt in your presence love. But, regrettably, I don't." There was that familiar arrogant tone again. Surprisingly, it didn't annoy me anymore. In fact, I enjoyed it. I was going mad.

"There was this time when you dove into the Great Lake to fish out Sheila." I reminded him. Sheila was Hagrid's dog.

"The only puppy on the planet that can't swim." There was affection in his tone.

"If you hate your family so much, why get a tattoo of the family motto?" I had to stop with the probing questions, but I needed to understand him. Maybe then I would be able to understand what drew me to him. And make it stop.

He didn't answer for a long time. Just when I was going to tell him to forget it, he answered.

"Despite everything they are my family, love. Andy, Uncle Alphard- they were Blacks too. It's their blood I have. I can't deny that."

I leaned away so I that I could look at him. He held still for me. To any other person it would have seemed that Sirius said this without any emotion, but I had come to read the subtleties that made Sirius Black who he was. Mysterious he was no doubt, but he wasn't unfeeling. The love, the sadness at not being accepted, the disappointment, the pain of loss… it was all there- the swirling black flecks in his otherwise grey eyes. Sirius Black was such a multi faceted person. In the beginning, I thought they were just masks, but now I realized that every aspect of his was a layer, each adding to his allure. He was… lasagna, in a way. Each layer of pasta covering a different layer of meat, vegetables and cheese. Each layer was just as important, making the dish complicated, but still so delicious.

"What are you thinking about, love?" He asked me, his gaze scanning my face.

"I was thinking about how you remind me of lasagna." I cannot believe I actually said that.

I heard the amusement in his voice as he said, "Do I want to know?"

I pulled away from his arms and turned around to look at him. "I don't know. Do you?"

He turned too. And that's how we sat, facing each other as he answered, "I do."

So I explained it to him. About the layers and the lasagna, hoping to God that he wouldn't think I was stark raving mad.

He didn't.

Instead he smiled, "I never thought being compared to food could be a good thing." And then just like that his gaze sharpened, "You really think that?"

"I really do." I sighed. I drew my legs up and folded them Indian style. "Look I'm not proud to admit this but I really thought you to be a shallow person with an agenda of pranks and speed dating." I saw him open his mouth to say something so I held up my hand to stop him, "And I'm saying now that I was wrong. I just saw what the others saw; saw what I wanted to see. But I realized just how wrong I was, and I apologize."

I saw the way he was looking at me and before I could chicken out, I closed the gap between us and placed my lips on his. My hand slid down his face, to his chest, grabbing a fistful of his shirt to pull him closer. He returned my kiss, strong and hard. Before I knew it, I was on my back with him hovering above me. His hands were at the hem of my t-shirt, teasing the skin above the waistband of my sweat pants. My own hands slipped underneath his shirt. His skin so soft, so warm. His stomach muscles clenched as I ran my fingers lightly over them. All this while his lips were moving against my own, strong yet gentle. I don't know how long the kiss lasted, heck I'm not even sure who pulled away first. I just kept my eyes closed as I tried to regain my lost breath.

I felt his hands smooth my bangs away from my forehead. He laid a gentle kiss on my forehead and then moved off me.

"Hey, I just remembered something." I breathed and sat up.

Sirius just quirked his eye brow. At which I rolled my eyes. "I'm not sure though. Erm, can you wait here a minute, I'll be right back." With that I ran up to my dorm.

I rushed to my bed and reached for the box that was stashed under it. In there were several pre-mixed potions. I took out one of them and ran back down. Sirius was still on the couch waiting for me. Dinner must have stopped because the common room was filling up. Good thing we stopped with the kissing when we did.

"What's up, love?" He got to his feet as I entered the common room and headed for the guy's dorm.

"Come on, I think I have something that will help Remus." I told him excitedly.

"So we're snogging on the couch and all you can think of is my best mate? You're so good for my ego, Lexie." Sirius remarked dryly.

"Your ego could use being taken down a peg or two." I winked at him and ran up the stairs to the seventh year boys' dorm.

I knocked once and then entered. Remus was sitting by the window, looking even more exhausted than before. I walked up to him and held out the vial of potion for him. Questioningly, he took it.

"It's a potion my grandmother made. Chamomile is its main ingredient, among other things. It'll help you relax and get a good night's sleep. You look like you really need it. I just thought of it." Remus didn't say anything. He was just looking at me with a weird expression. Suddenly, I was extremely self conscious. I folded my arms,

"Yeah so, don't worry. Uh…It won't have any side effects or anything. Just that you won't dream. If you do drink it. Which you should cause you'll really feel better."

Again, no response.

"Right. So I'll be on my way. Night."

"Alex." Remus' soft voice had me looking up. "I'm going to hug you now."

I smiled, "I think I'll live."

"It wasn't your survival I was concerned about." And then he wrapped his arms around me, lifted me off the floor and quite nearly squeezed the life out of me. For a thin and perpetually tired guy he sure was strong.

"Thank you." He whispered fiercely in my ears. "Thank you so much."

I couldn't help but laugh. "You're welcome, Remus. But you should know that oxygen is really becoming an issue."

Chuckling, he put me down. "Thank you." He said again, his voice so sincere.

I nodded, "Blessed be." At his questioning look, I explained, "It's a wiccan blessing."

"Goodnight Alex. It's a human thing." Remus winked at me. I just laughed, waved goodbye and turned around to leave.

"What the hell?" The exclamation escaped before I could control my response.

While it always seemed like Sirius had a good body because of the way his clothes rested on his body, you would have never guessed that without a shirt he had a body of a Greek God. Okay at least his back was the back of a Greek God, since he was facing away from me, folding what seemed like his shirt, but I wasn't looking at what he was folding. I was looking at his back and the way his muscles rippled as he moved and the way his black tattoo between his shoulder blades contrasted with his fair skin

At my near scream, Sirius just turned around and cocked an eye brow.

And I nearly had a heart attack for the second time that evening. His chest was a very good looking chest what with all the well defined abdominal and pectoral muscles. And they way his uniform trousers were slung low on his lean hips… oh my god. I had remind myself to make sure my jaw didn't drop and that breathing was essential if I wanted to continue living.

"Why the hell aren't you wearing a shirt anymore?" I demanded.

"Because I'm going to take a shower and I generally don't wear clothes then." Jesus, I didn't need a mental image of Sirius Black wet and naked in the shower. I fought back a whimper.

"Are you going to take a shower out here?" I managed to ask in a semi sardonic tone.

"No. Not really. But I'm going to take them off soon enough."

"Mind waiting till I leave?"

"Don't worry love, I wasn't going to disrobe completely. Wouldn't want to offend your delicate sensibilities."

I narrowed my gaze, "Don't worry about my delicate sensibilities. Besides, I'm a candy striper." I managed a nonchalant shrug. "I've seen worse."

With that, I calmly walked out of the dorm and back to the common room. There I collected the books that I'd left behind and joined my dorm mates in our room. I even carried out some more semi human conversations. Only at night, when everyone was asleep did I let the giggle burst out of me.  
I'd seen Sirius Black without a shirt!

**I just want to start again  
And maybe you could show me how to try  
And maybe you could take me in  
Somewhere underneath your skin**


	18. You get me

**Disclaimer:** The song belongs to Michelle Branch.

**So I'm a little left of center  
I'm a little out of tune  
Some say I'm paranormal  
So I just bend their spoon**

The weekend was finally here. After another grueling week of classes, mountains and mountains of homework, Quidditch practices under James' hitleresque regime, awkward tutoring sessions with Jenna and the general drama that came from me being me the weekend was definitely something I had been looking forward to with unnatural enthusiasm.  
Considering I was, once again, the last one up, I shuffled into the bathroom, spent an enormous amount of time showering, shampooing and what not. As I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, I finally wondered about the conspicuous absence of my roommates. It was surprising that they'd let me sleep in till this late. And the fact that they had been quiet enough as they went about their own morning routines was a little suspicious. Usually someone or the other would draw open the shades or bump her leg against a dresser, or drop something or bang some door. But today nothing of the sort had happened. Maybe, I shrugged as I turned around to leave the bathroom, I was exhausted enough to sleep through anything and maybe they had been kind enough to mind the fact that I was a light sleeper.  
But the second I was out of the bathroom, dressed for the day in a white shirt, dark blue jeans and saw all three of the girls were sitting on my bed, each with her right leg crossed over her left and her left hand resting on the right knee with the right resting on the top of the left I knew that there was a big reason for their benevolence this morning. It was kind of scary, looking at them sitting similarly with identical mischievous grins on their faces.

Dear God, I would run if I had too.

Orb, even.

"Er, mornin'." I greeted uneasily. I walked to my dresser, rooted around for my grey, fitted waistcoat. After having put it on I combed my hair into a high ponytail, letting my bangs fall into my eyes and tucked the longer ones behind my ears.

"Lexie, love, how was your night?" Lily asked her voice pleasantly nonchalant.

I turned from the dresser briefly to give her a weird look. "It was pleasant enough, Lily." I quickly lined my eyes with kohl and applied my lip balm.

"Would you say that you had a very good night? Did you sleep well?" Alice's smile was blinding.

"Yes, I did. I haven't slept better before."

I walked to the foot of my bed and pulled out my boots from under it. The snow soaked through my converse everytime and I didn't really fancy walking around Hogsmeade with wet feet. I had pretty feet and the absence of toes would mar that pretty perfection.

"And nothing happened before you fell asleep that would, could, might put a damper on your mood?" Mandy chirped.

"Where are you going with this?" I asked suspiciously. Why would they care what kind of a mood I was in? That's when I saw them exchange this look. Oh boy, did I know that look well enough. Thankfully my coat along with my scarf and gloves was on the floor near my foot. In a swift motion I grabbed them and ran out of the dorm, yelling over my shoulder, "I'd rather die than go shopping with you guys."

I heard Lily scream in frustration and a couple of seconds later I heard the door slam behind me and footsteps thundered down the stairs behind me.

"Alexandria Perry stop running this instant." Like I was going to listen to you Alice.  
The last time I had tried to run away in this manner, the situation had been totally different. While running away from your best friend while she tried to make you talk to your half sister was bad enough, being forced to go shopping with three neurotic teenage girls who were my room mates was just as important, Maybe even more.

I ran into the Common Room, and realized that I would never make it across the room and through the portrait hole in time. So I placed myself behind a couch and prepared to stand my ground. Remus, James and Sirius, who were sitting on the said couch, waiting for us to join them, I guess, turned around and looked at me with varying expressions of amusement, confusion and questioning. Sure, I know how weird I looked. Here I was barefoot; carrying my boots and my outdoor woolens with me storming through the doors as if my very life depended on it and it did, they just didn't know it yet.

**Who wants to be ordinary **  
**In a crazy, mixed-up world **  
**I don't care what they're sayin' **  
**As long as I'm your girl**

I was flushed, worked up from running away from the psychos and in anticipation of the argument that would follow soon enough. I narrowed my eyes at the door that would swing open anytime and squared my shoulders. I knew that it was three of them and just one of me, but I was going to stand my ground this time, by God. I would not be bullied or prodded or sweet talked into any asinine shopping excursion today. Soon enough Lily slammed the doors open, Alice was right behind her. Mandy was last, red-faced and panting.

Lily and I stared at each other, trying to see who would crack first.  
"Er, morning ladies." James asked tentatively. I could sense the 'oh-no-Alex's-gone-and-done-something-completely-secretive-and-inappropriate-once-again vibe coming off the guys. I didn't know if I should laugh at just how off the mark they were this time or be angry at the fact that I was considered to be such a screw-up. Anyway, Lily broke our gaze to look at him and I took it as my opening. I turned to run towards the main entrance but she anticipated the move, "James, stop her." I didn't even know when James got up and turned around to wrap has hand around my wrist, all of it happened that fast. I shouldn't have been surprised; he was, after all, truly one of the best athletes I had ever seen. I tried to break free, but he kept shifting his grip to accommodate my attempts to break his hold. Finally I reached out and pinched him. Hard. He yelped and dropped his iron-like grip and turned around to shrug at Lily. She smiled at him in return before returning her gaze to me.

"It's not going to happen, Lily. I'm not doing it." I told her in an even voice.

"Come on Alex, don't be stubborn. It's just for a couple of hours." She cajoled me.

"Nu-uh. Not happening. Not now, not ever." I replied stubbornly. I walked around the couch and sat down next to Remus and Sirius on the couch. Dumping my stuff in Remus' capable hands, I proceeded to put on my boots.

"Oh come on Alex. It'll be over you know it." Alice said in a tone that I suppose she thought to be comforting.

"Like hell it will." I ground out as I tugged on my left boot. "The last time, I had to spend nearly fifty galleons on crap that I haven't touched ever since. Seriously, I'm never going shopping you with guys."  
"Never." I repeated, knowing that I had to be firm on this or I would end up losing lots of money again.

Frank laughed, "That's what this is all about?"

Only a guy who's never been shopping with girls before could think it was nothing but a simple walk in the park. I muttered venomously under my breath about ignorant boys and the hot air that filled up the empty spaced between their ears and tugged on my other boot. "I don't need anything Lils. Not jeans or shirts or socks or shoes, underwear… nothing. I'm good till the next blue moon."

"Come on Alex. Quit being such a baby." Mandy whined.

I snorted. "I'd rather serve detention with McGonagall."

"Why won't you go?" Alice demanded.

"Why is it so important for me to come along? You guys go shopping without me all the time."

"It'll be fun Alex." Lily promised.

I snorted again. "What's fun about being forced to buy clothes you know you're never going to wear? Besides you guys went shopping the last time we were in Hogsmeade. I remember Mandy saying that she was good to go till Christmas."

"Well we're all going to spend the day together." Lily hedged.

And that's when I realized what this was about. "We spend all the time together. All week, every month of the damned year. And most of the time, I drive you guys nuts. So quit the crap and tell me what this is really about."

"Its winter dance next week and you need a dress." Finally the real reason we were going shopping.

I opened my mouth to say something and then I closed it. "I don't think Levis is considered formal, not even dark ones." Lily added.

I had an answer for that one. "I'm not going to the dance. Just like last year and the year before that." I stuck out my tongue at her.

She made a face in return. "Come on Alex! You have to come for the dance this year. It's a lot of fun. Besides, you get asked every year and you turn the poor guy down. All you do is sit in the Room of Requirement and watch television all day. Frankly that's quite sad."  
"Really? Some poor sod actually has the nerve to ask Alex out? Gotta give him some credit."  
"You really love listening to the sound of your own voice, don't you?" I asked James. He simply grinned in response. "You are really intimidating, you know that right?"  
"I am not! Anyway," I turned back to Lily, "I think it's sad that you have to get two other girls in to ambush me into coming shopping with you."

"Seriously, what is with you and this dance? It's not like you don't like dancing, in fact you are really good at it. We spend more than enough time at P3, and you love it there. So why can't you do that here?"

I just shrugged in response.

"I think I need to talk to you." Lily said and gestured to the corner of the room, away from everyone. I sighed, got up and followed her.

"Look, I know this is another one of your ways of keeping your distance." Lily began softly. "This year had been even more challenging for you to maintain that because of the fact that James and I are dating. You have to spend more time with everyone and I know that all you have ever wanted is to get done with this school, turn around and walk away and never look back. I also know that in some way, you're glad that Stone forced you to keep your distance. And not just from the others, but from me too." I opened my mouth to argue, but she silenced me. "I felt bad about that before, but I've had time to think about it and I know now that it's not about me or the fact that you don't care. It is because you do care. Too much, actually. You truly are different and it's not east for you to fit it. Most would think it convoluted and stupid, but I get it Alex. I get that it's important to you. I get that you're just trying to protect yourself. But you have to realize that you're fighting a losing battle. Look at them Alex," Lily nodded at the lot of sitting around. The minute they realized that the two of us were looking at them they immediately started to talk among themselves. Subtle, I smiled. "You are already attached. You already care. They're all your friends and I know you haven't said anything to me yet, but I know that you have feelings Sirius. And that's okay too. More than that, in fact. Now, I get that you're not ready to come clean just yet, heck there are so many things that even I don't know about you. But none of this is about that right now. You're my best friend, Lexie. You've been there from the beginning. After years of not fitting in, of that feeling that there was something more that I was missing out on, I've finally found a place. And I know you've got to have felt that way to, because it's in your blood too. We're here. We've been here for nearly six years. I've found someone who I'm sure I want to spend the rest of my life with. These friends, they're the ones who are, literally, ready to die for each other. Including you. And next week, we're going to celebrate that feeling. Celebrate love and friendship. Family. Come and be a part of it. Please."  
There was a lump in my throat. And no matter how hard I swallowed, it didn't budge. "Lils…" I couldn't even look at her. Not till the lump disappeared. So I nodded, as I focused on the window behind Lily. "I'll go." I managed to whisper. Lily reached for my hands and grasped them tightly in her own. I focused on our linked hands, as years and years worth of memories flooded through my mind. Nothing would ever compare to what I shared with Lily. Nothing. "Lils." I whispered again. I finally looked up to meet her emerald green gaze, "I know I haven't been the best fri-" But she shook her head.

"Of course not. You're my sister, Lexie. It's totally different."

**You get me  
When nobody understands  
You come and take the chance, baby  
You get me**

We walked into Mannequin, the only muggle boutique of Hogsmeade, an hour later. Considering this was the weekend before the dance, nearly half of the Hogwarts girls were here buying their dresses. The others had already bought theirs the previous weekend. The girls, my girls, quickly went their own way, looking for their perfect dress. I hung back for a bit, not ready to dive into all that was frothy, pleated and silky. Lily's words just wouldn't leave me alone. She'd said so much in such few words. Her understanding, acceptance… I knew it, down to my very bones, were two things that I did not deserve. Everything she'd said was true. Every single thing. Including the fact that there was quite a bit about me that she herself did not know.  
Sister. She'd called me sister.

No. She'd called me _her_ sister.  
Lily already had a sister. Although, Petunia Evans was a class A bitch, she was Lily's sister nonetheless. And before coming to Hogwarts, Lily and Petunia had been quite close. I'd never understood that relationship, Lily was everything Petunia wasn't and could never be. Petunia was petty, snide and downright spiteful. But Lily had always managed to keep that under control… I guess that's what she did, Lily, I mean. She truly brought out the best in people. It was in her very nature. There was something about her that just put you right at ease. Made you want to see the best there was. It just made you believe.

I trailed past racks of pale pink coloured dresses, dodging a few giddy fourth years, squealing about how awesome their first dance was going to be. The pinks ended and then there were browns and reds. Here, the seventh years were looking for something bold; something that would stand out and make a statement, after all this was their final year. Then there were greys and blacks, which Lily had ordered me to stay away from. And, for the first time, I actually did. I strayed far out back, where there was no one, hoping to find something there. I looked around, and smiled. There it was. The first dress on the rack, in the very back. I lifted it off the rack and after checking to make sure I had the right size I headed off to the changing rooms. Lily, Alice and Mandy were there as well, waiting their turn. Seeing the dress in my hand, Alice smiled.

"Alex, that's an amazing colour." Mandy breathed.  
I grinned, "I know, right!"

Luckily the stalls were vacated soon enough. I hung the dress carefully, and then proceeded to take off my boots, waistcoat and then my shirt and jeans. I removed the dress from the hanger, drew down the zipper and pulled it over my head. It was a bit of a struggle to get the zipper up all the way, but I managed. Smoothening out my ruffled hair, I turned to look in the mirror and nearly gasped. It was simply perfect. My most favourite thing about the dress was the dark turquoise colour which made my eyes pop out. It was a sleeveless dress with a deep, crew neckline. There was exquisite pleat detailing and cable stitching down the bodice of my dress. Around the waist was a satin ribbon of the same colour which, when I tied up, highlighted the curve of my waist. The silk hugged my body in all the right places before falling right above my knees. In face, the silk was so fine that the dress came with an internal slip dress. I ran my hand down the front of the dress, relishing the feel of the soft fabric. I twirled round on the tip of my toes, loving the way the dress flowed, making me feel like a beautiful ballerina. I was in love. Simple, elegant and comfortable. What more could I ask for?  
"Alex, are you coming out of the stall or no?" Lily knocked on my door.

I opened the door with a smile and stepped out, eager to see what kind of dresses the others had picked.  
"It's gorgeous!" Mandy cried and threw her arms around me.

"You look amazing, Alex." Alice agreed.

"I love it." Lily chimed in.

I pulled away from Mandy and looked at the others, each wearing her own dress. Lily was wearing a metallic gold, bronze and silver sleeveless dress that reached her knees. Only Lily could have managed to pull off such a dress. Alice was in a black, full sleeved dress with a wide neck that hugged her from neck to the top of her knees. When she saw me looking at her, she turned around and winked at me over her shoulder. The dress was backless, showing off Alice's perfect back. Mandy was in a light pink strapless gown that complimented her strawberry blonde hair perfectly. It had a full skirt that swished as she walked. "Mandy, you look like a princess." I told her.

She acknowledged me with a royal nod of her head. I laughed.  
We had found our dresses.

The Three Broomsticks was packed. It seemed like all of Hogwarts was in the bar that afternoon. Not that I blamed them, Madam Rosmerta did serve the best Butterbeer and it didn't hurt that she was really easy on the eyes and had a quick smile and a kind word for everyone. Draping the garment bag over my right hand, I pushed through the crowd to look for the boys. Not that it helped, considering my not so considerable height. But long-legs Lily spotted them soon enough, "There." She pointed to a table in the back, where the boys were waiting for us. I hesitated. "Come on Alex. Stone's not allowed to write letters or leave the castle and he is going to telling any of those pea brained Slytherin side kicks he has what is really going on, so there's nothing for you to worry about." Realizing that Lily was right, I now found myself walking to the table eagerly. Once there, I hung up my bag on a peg in the wall behind our table and dropped into a chair. Lily squeezed into the booth with James and Remus. Frank and Sirius were on the opposite side. There were two other chairs on either side of me.

"Jeez." I cried as I pulled off my coat, scarf and gloves. "It's so damned cold outside."

"I know." Frank agreed. "Thank Merlin for Rosie's brilliant butterbeers."

"Butterbeer?" Alice asked, as she and Mandy finally got through the crowd. "Who said Butterbeer?" The minute Frank saw Alice, his entire demeanor changed. His eyes lit up, shoulders straightened and his lips curved into a smile. He got to his feet and held out his bottle for her. Alice smiled, leaned across the table and pulled Frank down to her level for a quick kiss. "Mmmn." I heard her whisper. "You're right. Thank Merlin for Rosie's beers indeed." I smiled at Frank's garbled response. I was so used to James and Sirius and their suave that it was very endearing to see Frank's open and unpracticed responses to Alice. The guy was so head over heels. I don't mean to say that Alice didn't feel as strongly about him, she was just as crazy. But I could relate to Frank… That feeling of being completely exposed to someone, it could make you lose all semblance of control. Well at least Frank had given their relationship a chance. He and Alice had been dating for a week and Alice was quite literally walking on clouds.

Warily, I watched as Sirius offer his seat to Alice and sat down in a chair next to me. I didn't know if I was the only one who noticed the irony in the fact that Mandy, Sirius and I sat next to each other. Sirius caught my eye and smiled softly. And just like that I forgot about the cold, the stupid shopping trip. Everything melted away and it was just him and me. I smiled back.

The past week had been weird.

Nice weird, I guess.

It had been one thing that had made this hellish week seem bearable, the time I'd spent with Sirius. Every night we'd take a walk around the castle grounds or just sit by the fireplace and talk. About music, current affairs- both muggle and otherwise… or just sit and listen to music or watch people together. While I actually loved this time we spent together, a voice in my head kept telling me how wrong it was. And every night, before going to bed I would tell myself that tomorrow I wouldn't hang out with him, but then he would come around and walk me to breakfast and we'd start talking… and then all thoughts of staying away would just dissipate. I would seek him out; find ways to prolong our conversation, to make him want to stay just a little while longer. There were times when some things I said would make him laugh out and I would laugh too because it was so amazing that I was the one to make his eyes sparkle like that, that a simple thing I said could make his mouth quirk like that. Every time he smiled that crooked smile, I wanted to lean over and kiss it. More often than not, I gave into that impulse. And then that would lead to something entirely different but just as wonderful. Just thinking about the past week was enough to make me smile to myself. I felt a hand curl up against mine in my lap, under the table. My smile widened. "You want to tell me what's got you smiling like that love." I loved the feeling of his warm breath against my cold ear.

"Trying to get into my head, Black?" I tilted my head up to look him in the eye.

Sirius grinned, "Always, Perry." While his tone remained playful, something in his voice belied his seriousness. My smile faltered a little and I think he caught that because the light in his eyes dimmed a little. I sensed him putting up his defences and I hated myself for what I was doing to him. What were doing anyway? Holding hands under the table, sneaking kisses when no one was looking. We both knew I was hiding stuff, that everytime I spoke about my family and my life in San Francisco, I was holding back, editing heavily. But neither of us said anything about it because this was just so good. It felt to escape from reality for a bit where nothing mattered. Where it was just the two of us. But this convenient little arrangement was already fraying at the edges and it had barely begun anyway. I tightened my grip on his handing, silently hoping that the edges would just hold together for a while longer. The knot in my chest eased up a bit when I felt his own grip tighten.

"Sirius, mate." James asked in a voice that immediately roused my suspicions. It was James' I-know-something-I-wasn't-supposed-to tone of voice. "I spoke to Angelica last night."  
"So?" Sirius asked calmly.

"She wanted to know where you were." The air around him was practically crackling with excitement and curiosity. I waited for Sirius' reply with bated breath; hardly daring to look at him for fear that someone would realize that he had been with me last evening.

Sirius just waited for him to get to the point. You could tell he was indulging James, that if he wanted he could shut him up with just a look.

It was fascinating to watch the two of them. One who manipulated and adapted to the situation and atmosphere around him. And the other who was most unaffected by it. James practically vibrated with whatever emotion he felt, whether it was anger, love or plain old mischief. He would use his hands, his words and engage you in what he was saying. Hearing him narrate an anecdote or a story was so surreal; it was like you were actually there as it was happening. He was the consummate showman. Sirius, one the other hand, was completely calm, unfazed by whatever was happening around him, always in complete control of himself. His one look could have you squirming in your seat, wanting to run away but you couldn't because he hadn't given you the leave to do so yet.

"It's funny, don't you think, considering you told me that you were meeting her for a walk." The way he said walk, you could tell James thought they were meeting for anything but a walk. I wanted to throw something at James and his stupid smug smirk. Where was a balled up, snotty tissue when you needed one. Or an entire truckload.

"Hilarious." Sirius answered drolly.

"So who's she." James asked. I felt Mandy snap to complete attention in her chair.

Sirius arched an eye brow.

"You won't believe me when I tell you how shocked I was to find out you weren't with Angelica, as you had said you would be. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I like that… blonde haired harpy." Cancel the order for snotty tissues, I told myself. "But I can't believe you would lie to me."

"You're young Prongs." Sirius faux consoled him. "You'll get over it soon enough."

"Come on Padfoot." James whined when he realized that Sirius wasn't going to crack. "We're best mates. Now on grounds of that sacred brotherhood and all that, I demand that you tell me who this girl is."  
Sirius shot him a haughty look in response, one that only a true blue aristocratic Pureblood could manage.

"Oh forget the sacred brotherhood." Alice piped in. "Come on, be a sport. Tell us, who the girl is."

"Whoever said anything about a girl?" Was all Sirius had to say.

"Alex!" My hand tightened dangerously around Sirius' as James called out my name. "You were out running in that bloody cold last night; did you see him with anyone?" I nearly let out a loud sigh of relief. "Nope." I replied with a dry mouth. "I wasn't even out there for that long. It was bloody cold last night."

I let go of Sirius' hand and stood up before things got even weirder, "I'm going to get me a Butterbeer. Alice," I called out to her, "you seem to like the taste just fine. Want me to get you one you can share with Frank?" I winked at her. She just laughed and Frank threw a balled up paper napkin at me. It barely made across the table. I grinned, "No seriously, anyone want anything?"

"I'll have a roast chicken salad and a Butterbeer." Lily told me.

"Hey, that's what I was going to have." I told her. For some weird reason Lily thought an appropriate response to that was blowing a kiss my way. I just ignored her looked around at everyone else. "No thanks." Mandy told me. "I still need to thaw out before I can eat anything." Alice stole another fry of Frank's plate, so I guess she was good too.

"And maybe an order of fries for the table." Remus told me, his smile was pure mischief. This time the balled up napkin hit Remus square in the face. Laughing, I turned to go up to the bar to place our order and get our food. "I'll go with you, love." Sirius told me as he got to his feet. I froze and looked at everyone, but they didn't seem to think much of Sirius' offer. Damned paranoia! Another thing to add on that extremely long list of mental disorders I suffered from.

I didn't look at him. Instead, I turned around and walked towards the bar where I would calmly place my order, collect the food and pay up and return to the table. Without worrying about people finding out things that weren't any of their business. The whole time, I felt Sirius walking behind me, silent but his presence was overwhelming. Again, not in an intimidating, but a comforting sort of way. It was so annoying how everything around him and about him was nice and positive, even when it wasn't supposed to be. Nice weird, comforting intimidation, safety in sneaking around. For gods' sake, I was going mad!

I shoved and pinched my way up and leaned forward over the bar, looking for someone who would take my order. I felt Sirius settle behind me, his front against my back, his hand on my waist.

"What can I get you today, honey?" Rosmerta asked me with a wide smile, after she was done handing off trays of food to waiting customers. I woodenly smiled back and rattled off my order. "And what can I get you handsome?" She winked at Sirius. I rolled my eyes, unable to rustle up some annoyance. It wasn't like we were dating or anything and it wasn't like it was serious flirtation. It would have been funny some other time, but right now I was so sick and tired of all the people and their constant chattering. Rosmerta and Sirius flirted and conversed over my head, while I leaned back against Sirius, his hand coming around my waist to pull me closer. An action that didn't go unnoticed by Rosie. She smiled. "So you've finally kissed and made up, ha. That's good."  
For a minute I didn't understand what she was talking about, but then I remembered. The last time Rosie had seen Sirius and me together we'd been… well, not exactly arguing, but we hadn't been in accordance either. That day come rushing back. _Alex. If you leave now, this thing between us is finished. If I can't have your trust, I don't want anything._ Jesus, it had been just last Saturday that we'd had that conversation. Fuck, what the hell were we doing! "Rosie, can you please get someone to drop off our order at the table? We're sitting in the back." I asked her.

"Sure, honey." She nodded, oblivious to the nerve her words had struck. Turning around, managing to break Sirius' hold, I randomly pushed through the crowd. There were so many people and I couldn't see where I was going. I blindly pushed and shoved and finally broke through the crowd. I looked around me and noticed the hallway that led to the restrooms. I walked towards it. Finally, there was some peace and quiet. I leaned against the wall with my eyes closed and ran a hand through my bangs. What in the hell was wrong with me? This thing with Sirius was wrong on so many levels! I wasn't and would never be able to be completely honest with him. We weren't compatible, not on a level that really mattered. It was obvious that Mandy still cared for him and she was my friend, damnit. I couldn't do that to her. I shouldn't be doing this to myself. Deluding myself into believing that I would be able to walk away from this when the time came. Who was I kidding? Sirius wasn't the kind of guy you had a fling with. That's where all the others girls had been wrong. He was the exact opposite of a fling. He was the stable, sure sort that rooted you to one spot and then made you grow from there. He was the goddamned forever kind! What the hell was I thinking, forever kind. Crap, I was sixteen! Okay, so if not the forever kind then the kind that you stayed with for a long time, as long as you could manage to without feeling overwhelmed by the fact that it wasn't overwhelming to be around him. It felt so natural, so good and the scary part was that it didn't scare you one bit.

"Don't." I heard the soft command and I groaned. I felt him stand in front of me and cup my shoulders. "Don't do this Lexie."

"Don't do what?" I asked.

"Open your eyes." He told me, in that same soft voice. When I didn't comply, he squeezed my shoulders gently, "Come on tiger, don't go all soft on me now. Open your eyes and look at me."

When I did, I nearly started to cry at that expression on his face. That soft, understanding look. "I didn't mean it." He told me. "When I said that I was done, I didn't mean it. I was just worried and angry at your stubbornness and I said things in the heat of the moment. But it doesn't mean that what's happening now isn't real."

I swallowed hard, his unflinching honesty and gentleness just made me want to hug him close for as long as he could stand it, but I couldn't.  
"Lexie?"

"I can't." I whispered, unable to look him in the eye. "I can't Sirius." I needed his hands off my shoulders. I needed space to pace, to work of all the helplessness welling up.

"You can't what?" He stepped closer, instinctively knowing that if he let me go, I would get away for good.

"Don't you see!" I could hear the helplessness dripping from my words. But he remained silent. Son of a bitch, he was going to make me spell it out. "This is wrong Sirius." I finally looked him in the eye, hoping he would just… I didn't even know what I wanted him to do. "It's wrong on so many levels! Goldberg is going to know you lied about being with her last night and she's going to try very hard to find out where you were and with whom. And with her luck and persistence, she's going to find out. Then everyone will. And then they'll make a big deal out of this, make it out to be something when it isn't that… and then…"

"And then what?" He was so calm, as opposed to my worked up state and that pissed me off even more.

"And then I'll believe it too!" Shit, I had actually said that out loud. But I didn't notice it then because I was on a roll. "James and Lily and Remus are going to put two and two together soon enough. They've ignored us the past week because they think we're just hanging out, two best friends of a couple trying to find a way to get along so that they can sit in a room together without verbally abusing each other or attempting murder. The minute they find out about the snogging and the hand holding and the wildebeest stampedes in my stomach everytime you're in the vicinity-" I finally got a hold on my wayward tongue. I wanted to melt from mortification. I hated word vomit! I closed my eyes once again. "Shit." I muttered.

I felt a warm breath on my forehead seconds before I felt his lips press a soft kiss here. "Lexie." He whispered. "Let me go." I whispered weakly, unable and more importantly unwilling to do anything about it myself.

He brought up one hand to cup my cheek, "Go to the dance with me."

Talk about random, said one voice in my head. YES! Yelled another. I lifted one hand and pushed him away lightly. He caught that hand and placed it on his shoulder, used the other to lift my chin and swiftly covered my lips with his. And then just like that, everything faded away. Every single thing. I was neither warm nor cold, neither scared nor worried. I was neither Alex Halliwell nor Alex Perry. All I was, was kissing. Kissing Sirius. His stormy scent, his peppermint breath, his warm body and his careful hands. He was like a dream come true. I reached up on the tips of my toes and linked my hands around his name. His other hand tightened around my waist and pulled me closer. His mouth moved gently against mine, as if he had all the time in the world and all he wanted to do was kiss me. Words weren't adequate to explain what that felt like. Everything that we couldn't, everything that we wouldn't say to each other through words, we tried to explain through that kiss. My fear, my hesitation, my hope, my want. In turn, he tasted of hope, trust and everything good. Maybe that was just my imagination or wishful thinking or something. Whatever it was, I didn't want it to end. That's when I mustered every once of self-restraint and broke the kiss. He didn't let me withdraw completely. My hands were still around his neck and his around my neck and on my waist. It hurt to continue standing on tippy-toes, so I lowered myself and rested my forehead against his chest. He kissed the top of my head.

"Let me go." I repeated.

"Not until you give me an answer." He said firmly.

"You didn't ask a question." I retorted.

I felt him smile against my hair, "You're a smart one, aren't you?"

"I'd like to think so, yes."

He chuckled. I could feel it coming from deep within his chest.

"Fine. A guy must do what a guy's got to do." He pulled away slightly, enough that he could look at me. "Alex, will you go to the winter dance with me?"

I looked away and said, "No."

I heard the smile in his voice as he said, "At least look at me when you're turning me down, love."

I remained silent.

So him arms on my waist tightened, pulling me even closer. "Why not?" His face was inches from my own, his peppermint breath cool on my tingling lips.

"Because I don't want to." I struggled, "Now let me go before someone walks in here."

"Lexie." He started gravely, "I like you." And I was glad for his arms around me cause there was no way I was standing after he'd said that.

"Well, that'll fade away soon enough." I told him.

This time he remained silent. I sighed, "I can't."

His one arm moved from my waist to the back of my neck and pulled me into a hug, one hand running up and down my back, "It's just a dance. Hopefully, by the end of the evening, I will have gotten so tired of your smart ass mouth and your grumpy attitude that I'll never want to kiss you again."

I pulled back and socked his arm, "Ass." I told him half-heartedly.

"Come on Lexie." He cajoled me in that chocolate voice of his.

"But the others." I reminded him. "I speak to James and Remus. If you want, I'll even talk to the girls." I smiled sadly at this generous offer and pulled away to look at him. "Even Mandy?" We both knew it wasn't as much of a question as it was a reminder.

"I…" He began, "I messed up there and I'm willing to apologize. But I'm not going to let that get in the way of what we have and could have."

"Sirius, we're hiding in a hallway. We've been hiding for a week now. And there's a reason for that. Not talking about it is one thing, but building on it is only going to make it harder in the future."

"You want to talk about it?" He leaned back further. "Fine, then let's."

I opened my mouth and then shut it as someone walked past us and towards the restrooms. Considering the number of people in the bar right now, I was surprised no one else had come this way. Well, maybe someone had when we'd been too busy kissing. God, what if someone from school had seen us. It made me pull away with a renewed vigour.

"I don't care if the entire bar walks by us, Lexie. I want an honest answer to my question. I can make peace with evasive answers, but I won't abide by downright lying."

Then this was doomed already, I wanted to tell him. But then I thought about this, us, like this. Only more and around people, no lying, no sneaking. With him telling me all these wonderful things, with me not just believing but actually wanting to believe.

So I nodded, "I'll go to the dance with you." I told him and reached up to seal the deal with another quick kiss.

A while later, as we approached our table he leaned down to whisper in my ear, "Wildebeests, eh?"

"Bastard." I whispered in reply with a smile on my lips.

He just chuckled in response.

**You get me  
You look inside my wild mind  
Never knowing what you'll find  
And still you want me all the time  
Yeah, you do  
You get me**

**A/N:** I've been gone for a while. My apologies. Hope this makes up for it. Let me know.

Cheers.


	19. Defying gravity

**Disclaimer:** The song is from Wicked- The musical.

Charms seemed never ending that day. Seriously, it was a double class and I was going nuts. "Die, pigeon, die." I muttered viciously as I poked the damn thing with my wand, willing it to change colours like it was supposed to.

"Merlin, you really like Charms, don't you?"

"Gee, what gave me away?" I asked dryly, not even bothering to look at the boy next to me.

"Nothing. You're very subtle, I'm just very observant." Usually the other person shut up the moment they realized I wasn't interested in talking to them. Never before had someone brushed off my brush off, let alone give as good as they got.

I looked away from the damn pigeon, to the guy sitting next to me, the guy who thought he was all cool and sarcastic and everything. He had chocolate coloured hair and green eyes. His face had this boyish quality, that didn't make him drop dead gorgeous but kept him well within the realm of attractive. He was sitting so I couldn't really tell how tall he was, but if I was to guess, I'd say he was just about five feet ten, maybe eleven. He wasn't muscular, but he wasn't fat either. He just was. His robes were pushed up to his elbows and his shirt sleeves were folded back. His forearms had definition, the kind that you didn't by working out in the gym.

I'm pretty sure he realized that I was checking him out. Which I was, but not because why people usually check each other out, I had simply never seen him before this. And I was curious.

"Liam McCarthy." His accent was Irish. He held out his hand.

Usually I would have just ignored the proffered hand, and considering his smart ass comments, I should have. But I paused, unsure of what to do. There was something in his eyes, something intelligent and alert. And while his words could be taken one way or another and considering that he wasn't smiling outright, a single dent in his left cheek gave him away. Something inside me shrugged, thinking, what the hell.

**Something has changed within me  
Something is not the same**

"Alex Perry." I shook it. On a scale of one to ten, I'd rate his handshake a solid nine. It was firm and sure. His hands were rough and his fingers, callused.

"Nice to meet you Alex." He sounded amused. Again, he could have commented on the amount of time I had taken to shake his hand, made fun of me even. The fact that he chose to ignore it relieved me.

"Play the guitar, don't you?" I asked him knowingly, wanting, for the first time in a very long time to have a conversation with a complete stranger.

"How did you know?" He put his wand down and gave me his full attention.

I shrugged, "The calluses on your fingers. I know people who play…"

"Ah. You're observant too." He flashed a half smile, the dimple deepened.

I bowed my head, "Subtle and observant, that's me in a nutshell."

He finally cracked and let out a laugh. It wasn't too loud and it wasn't all that soft either. It was nice and warm, the kind of laugh that made you realize that he laughed quite often.

It made me smile a little.

"So what house are you in, Liam?" I asked him.

Deadpanned, he looked down at his tie that was hanging loosely from his neck. "I'm a little disappointed, Alex. Just when I thought you were observant."

I looked down at the red and gold tie hanging from his neck. "You've got to be shit- kidding me! Gryffindor?" I asked.

He laughed again, "Nice save there." It would be weird to be a potty mouth around a person I'd barely known for a minute. "Well, I hate to say this but you do live in your own little world."

I felt a little ashamed of myself. I had gone to the same school with this boy for six years. We were in the same year, same house and shared most of our classes and I had never noticed him before! The thought made me turn a little red.

He must have noticed because he just chuckled, "I won't hold it against you on one condition."

I tilted my head to one side, "Which is?"

"Hmm." He pretended to think about it. "I'll let you know once I've figured it out." His voice wasn't all that deep or smooth or anything. But it was nice nonetheless.

I nodded, how had I not noticed him before? "Deal."

"Shake on it." He held out his hand again.

And I happily shook it.

It turned out that Liam was muggleborn and that we shared many common interests. Our taste in music, food and movies was the almost identical. But when it came to this one other thing, the one that mattered a lot, we were as different as we could get.

"Chelsea?" I asked, stunned. "How in the world can you support Chelsea?" I just couldn't wrap my mind around the thought.

"Yes because ManU is the best team ever." He responded sardonically.

"Man United." I corrected him automatically. "See, even you agree." I was still shocked.

"Look I've always supported Chelsea. They're good."

I narrowed my eyes suspiciously. "Favourite player?"

This time his grin was pure evil. "Terry."

I swear the snort of derision was pure instinct.

He just shot me a helpless shrug.

"You do know that he's an ass, yes. On and off the field." I informed him sagely.

He wisely ignored that jibe. "Let me guess, it's Ronaldo for you?" He asked me.

"Yeah right." I rolled my eyes. "I think Rooney's better." I wasn't like those stupid girls who liked Ronaldo for his apparent looks. Stupid people thought he was the best footballer ever. But anyone with half a brain knew that Rooney was a much better and a more hardworking player than Ronaldo.

Liam snorted and muttered something that sounded like, 'hairy baboon' under his breath. I just fumed silently and carried on with my work. Chelsea my ass.

Liam and I ended up talking all through the Charms class. And I think it would be safe to say that I had made a new friend. On my own.  
I didn't know what was coming over me lately. Instead of finding a rock to crawl under, I seemed to be doing the exact opposite. I was openly defying Stone and the look of restrained anger in his eyes let me know that he knew there wasn't anything he could do about it and hated it. It was the middle of the week and for the first time in a while I seemed happy. My 'meetings' with Sirius continued and I was hanging out more with my room-mates. Heck, I'd even helped Gideon and Fabian play a very successful prank on Filch last night. Poor bastard was still trying to get the lime jelly off the ceiling outside his office. He'd stayed up all night to get it off his doorway and himself... but he still smelled like it. The bell rang and for the first time I wasn't one of the first people to get out of the class. Usually I was ready with my stuff packed away minutes before the class was supposed to end, ready to bolt. But today the time had passed so fast, and I'd had fun for once in class, that I'd forgotten all about leaving.

**I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game**

**Too late for second guessing  
Too late to go back to sleep**

Smiling in farewell, I walked away from Liam and headed out.

"Somebody had a good time in Charms today." Lily sang as joined the rest of them outside the classroom. Liam had Numerology and I was done for the day, so we'd said goodbye for the moment.

I rolled my eyes, "I don't know what you're talking about."

Mandy and Alice had to run a little to catch up with us, "Did I just see you sit through an entire lecture of Charms without going to the bathroom even once?" Mandy asked.

"More importantly, did I see you talk to another human being and actually appear to have a good time?" Alice asked.

"Not just any human being. Liam McCarthy." Mandy sighed. "He's so hot."

"What is with you people?" I asked. "I just had a conversation with a boy. He's nice. That's all."

"He's really smart." Lily told me. "He's second in our year." And we all knew who was first.

"He also plays in a muggle music band every summer." Alice added.

"He wants to be a healer some day." Mandy chimed in.

"How come you all know so much about him? I've never noticed even him before this."

"That's because we don't live in a protective bubble and refuse to get to know new people." Stupid Alice. "You should ask him to the dance." She added.

"Maybe, he'll ask you. He looked like he was having a really good time too." Lily said.

I opened my mouth to answer but someone beat me to it. "Who was?" James asked as he and Remus caught up with us.

"No one." I told him.

"No. I'm not going ask anyone anything." I told Alice emphatically.

"Neither is he." I directed this last comment towards Lily.

"Hold on. Are you guys talking about another one of these so called boys who ask Alex out to the dance every year?" James asked. "Wow and I thought that was just a myth. Like the Loch Ness monster."

"Nessie exists." Remus informed James. "Who is this boy?"

"There is nothing to speculate about. He's not going to ask me to the dance." I wanted to scream out loud, but then again, people thought I was weird anyway, why give them more reasons to think so. And besides, I might as well have to talking to myself, considering no one was paying attention to anything I said.

"Who is this guy?" James demanded once again.

"What guy?" Frank asked, as he and Sirius caught up with us as well.

I wanted to stamp my foot and yell out really loudly. And for some absurd reason I did just the thing. "Ahh!" I turned around to face everyone. "I spoke to a boy and smiled. That's it. Stop acting like retards."

"Oh please." Alice snorted. "She just sat through double Charms without heading out for a bathroom break even once."

"And she wasn't the first person out of class." Lily pointed out.

"Sonofahippogriff." Frank exclaimed exclaimed. I rolled my eyes; the wizarding lingo was really ridiculous sometimes.

** It's time to trust my instincts  
Close my eyes and leap**

"Who. Is. This. Guy." I could tell James was losing it. Made me grin a little.

"Merlin, James. You're really annoying sometimes." Lily rolled her eyes.

"Why I love you too, my flower." James dropped a quick kiss on Lily's lips. I saw him open his mouth and take a deep breath, before he could ask that stupid question one more time I told him. "Liam McCarthy."

"So you think you'll go to the dance with him?" Mandy wanted to know.

I ignored her and continued to walk down the hallway.

"McCarthy. Your year. Good guy. Prefect, intelligent, patient and plays the guitar." Remus remarked.

"He wants to be a healer." Frank told him.

Remus nodded, he already knew. "Knowing his grades and intelligence, he'll get through for the program too."

"There aren't many instances where I envy another guy, but Merlin, when he plays that guitar of his." James shook his head. "It's bloody brilliant."

I rolled my eyes. Even the guys who were a year ahead of us knew him. Something was, indeed, wrong with me. "You're all mental. I'm not going to the dance with Liam McCarthy."

"But you're going?" Lily demanded. "You said you aren't going with him but you didn't say that you weren't going at all. So does that mean you're going? It does, doesn't it? You are going to the dance. Of course, you bought that dress and everything. But if you aren't going with Liam, does that mean that you plan on going with someone else? Or are you going to go by yourself? Because if you are, going by yourself, then I suggest you ask Liam to go with you. Because it really is weird to go for dances by yourself, and Liam is very nice and handsome and he seemed interested and then we can double date and-"

"Lily." James stepped in front of her and shook her gently by the shoulders. "I love your rambling, I really do. But we're losing your chain of thought and I really think Alex might do you some physical harm. And then I would have to return the favour, because I love you and I can't just stand by and watch someone hurt you. But Alex is a girl and I can't hit a girl, besides it would also be an unfair fight." I rolled my eyes, again. Yes, because James didn't ramble at all.

"James, I hate to break it to you buddy, but I could kick your ass any day of the week and twice on Sunday."

"You guys!" Alice called out. "We're veering off topic. Alex, really. He's a great guy, so please don't scare this one off too."

I frowned. "I don't scare anyone off."

Mandy laughed. "I hate to break it to your sweety, but you kinda do."

"Please don't ever use the American accent again." I rubbed my ears unconsciously.

"Now you know what it feels like every time you talk." She shot back with a smile.

"Hey!" I defended myself. "My accent isn't that bad." It wasn't. Sure, I pretty much pronounced Mary, marry and merry the same way. But I didn't drag out my sentences, like a typical Californian. Neither did I whine out every word.

"No. And thank Merlin for that. Or I would have stuffed a sock down your mouth a long time ago."

"Try it, why don't you?" I smiled sweetly at Frank.

"People. I hate to break the party, but most of us have to be at a prefects meeting." Remus interjected calmly, but firmly. That left out just Mandy, Sirius and me. Wow, that wouldn't be awkward at all.

"What about your dinner?" I asked.

"We will eat at the meeting. It'll be a long one. We have to finalise all the Winter Dance details. Merlin, the menu is the trickiest, and the Slytherin prefects are insisting on bloody huge ice sculptures of the Hogwarts Founders. Sodding fools. They're ugly and it's the Winter Dance, not a gothic-themed Halloween party." James grumbled. "We also have to make up the patrol schedule for December. It's the trickiest month… we have to make sure that everyone is assigned equal duty, but most of the prefects will head back home for Christmas break, so Susan and I have our work cut out to make sure the assignment is fair and equal." Prongs the Maurauder's transformation to James Potter the Head Boy was consummate. He truly was a brilliant Head Boy. Oh, did I mention? Last night's prank was his idea. Don't tell Susan, the consequences would be catastrophic for us all.

"Give me your bags." I told Lily and Alice. "I'll take them up to the dorms for you."

"Aww." Alice cooed.

"Such a sweet Alex." Lily patted my head.

I made a face. "It's only because you'll throw them on the floor or fling them on your beds once you get back. No doubt, waking me from my beauty sleep. And then I'll have to kill you, dump your bodies and come up with alibis. Too much work."

Lily and Alice laughed as they handed me their bags.

"Alex, you mind taking mine too?" Mandy asked softly.

"Sure, no problem." I held my hand out for it. "You aren't coming to dinner?"

_We don't have to sit with Sirius if you don't want to. _I told her telepathically. Usually, I asked for permission before connecting with someone else's mind. I tapped the one the shoulder telekinetically, but these people didn't know about my other powers so I had no real choice.

Mandy's eyes widened as she heard my voice in her head. I sensed her formulating a verbal reply, so I quickly warned her against it. _Just think it, Mandy. You don't have to say it out loud._

_I'M MEETING_- I cringed at her near yell.

_Dude, softly. _

Immediately guilt filled her and, through her, my senses. _Don't worry. This is your first time. Go on. _

_I'm meeting Hagrid for dinner. _I felt her excitement at meeting Hagrid and the sense of impending doom that filled anyone who'd experienced Hagrid's cooking.

_Don't worry, I'll bring back a plate from dinner. _

I actually heard her laugh in her head, it sounded so delicate and pretty. _Merlin, Alex. This is so amazing!_

_Yes, but I'm pretty sure the others are wondering why we're just standing around, so this is it. Alex out._

With that I broke our connection, adjusted the four bags on my shoulders and waved goodbye to everyone and turned to Sirius. "I'll see you in the Great Hall."

He looked down at the bags on his shoulders and then back at me. "Looks like I'm going with you love."

I smiled. "And next time, use your bloody telepathy from the beginning and save me the trouble of being a do-gooder with you." He muttered cantankerously.

**It's time to try defying gravity  
I think I'll try defying gravity  
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity  
And you won't bring me down  
**

"So, Liam McCarthy?" I paused before reaching out to cut up another piece of the marshmallow cheesecake. At least, he'd waiting till dessert before asking me. I'd expected him to go all weird-sophisticated-caveman on me the moment we were alone.

I shrugged, concentrating on the dessert on my plate. "What about him?"

"Lexie, love, at least look at me when we're talking." Despite the fact that he told me this on a regular basis, he still sounded patient. So I put down my fork and looked up at him. He was done eating a while back but he was willing to wait with me. Dressed in a soft, grey sweater that highlighted his eyes with his hair falling haphazardly over his forehead and into his eyes, he looked good. Too good. Good enough that looking at him made me uncomfortable.

"So tell me about McCarthy." Had he told me to jump off a ledge in that gentle baritone, I would have.

I rolled my eyes, annoyed at having to explain myself to everybody.

**I'm through accepting limits  
cause someone says they're so  
**

"Look." I placed my hand on the table, "There's nothing going on between us, for God's sake. He was sitting next to me, making fun of my dedication to charms. I thought he was being a smart ass but then, it turns out, that he's a nice guy. And we seemed to have a lot in common, so we talked. And yes, I didn't see the need to escape from Flitwick's House of Horrors today, not to pee or anything. But that doesn't mean that I want to go to the dance with him, or that I like him or that there is a chance that I will someday." I realised too late that Sirius had sounded neither accusing nor teasing. And my reaction was unfair and immature. Uncomfortable and ashamed, I shifted my gaze to his empty plate, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound… you know. It's just everyone was saying all those things earlier and I don't want you thinking that any of it is true, cause it's not. I don't like Liam. I mean, I do. He's a nice guy and all, but not… like… like the way I like you, you know. And…" I trailed off when I felt his hand cover mine. Immediately, my eyes darted across the Hall to see if anyone was looking at us. His grip on my hand tightened, a silent signal to pay attention to him. "Lexie."

My eyes immediately flew to his face and then narrowed. "You're laughing at me." I accused him.

Most people wouldn't agree with my assessment, there was no evident smile on his face. But his eyes were sparkling with amusement and his lips were twitching, as if he were controlling his need to smile. Ass. But I was silently appreciating how amazing he looked like this, it was actually breathtaking. His entire face was aglow with amusement and I was thankful that he wasn't smiling outright. Just think how devastating an actual smile would be when he looked like this when he wasn't.

I frowned. "Would you stop laughing at me? This isn't funny, you know. And don't tell me you're not amused because I can tell. That stupid twitching of your mouth gives you away."

Sirius cocked an eye brow in response. "Well, I'm glad you're paying attention to my mouth, love."

Exasperated, I stood up, ready to head back to the dorm and away from his endearingly annoying behaviour. But he held on to my hand. "Let go." I told him with a calm I didn't feel. I was too afraid of what everyone around us we thinking off when they looked our way, were they looking at us?

**Something's I cannot change but till I try I'll never know**

"You know for someone who claims she doesn't like people, you sure seem to care a lot about what they think of you." He remarked casually. I cocked my head at the veiled challenge. "Well, after six years of not being noticed, I don't think I'd be able to handle all the attention I'd receive the minute people, well girls, actually, see us hand in hand."

I guess that was the wrong thing to say cause the light in his eyes died as he immediately let go of my hand and stood up himself. "Well, I hate to break it to you, love, but just because people have left you alone for six years doesn't necessarily mean that you've gone unnoticed." And then he was gone.

I stood there, for how long I don't know. Neither did I care. All I could focus on was the need to run after him. It felt like every cell in my body wanted to run after him and apologize. Say anything that would make his eyes light up like before. And yet everything in me was urging me to sit back down, that this was the perfect way to end things. Better than whatever messy and painful end we'd have to face if things would continue. But then again, could it hurt any worse than when it had at the moment when I realised that just one thoughtless sentence from me was enough to hurt him as I evidently had. It was like someone had reached in and crumpled up my stomach like a useless sheet of paper. I wanted to cry and throw up at the same time. I'd never thought I'd ever feel this way. I never ever wanted to feel this way. None of that helped the fact that I was and the only thing that would stop making me feel this miserable was undoing what I had done. I wanted to take it back. I wanted to be okay with Sirius. I needed to be okay with Sirius.

**Too long I've been afraid of  
Losing love I guess I'd lost  
**

I walked out the Hall and stopped in my tracks. What if he hadn't headed back up to the dorms? He could be anywhere; Hogwarts was a bloody huge castle. Without giving it another thought, I closed my eyes and let down my mental barriers. Sirius, a voice inside my head whispered. I felt words, thoughts, emotions rush through my head but I pushed them all away. Systematically I combed through the castle but I couldn't sense him. I walked out the castle and into the grounds, automatically widening my horizons. I skimmed through the castle grounds but all I sensed was Hagrid walking with his dog Sheila, a couple in love sitting under a tree. There was a troubled girl walking along the lake others, but I blocked them out determined to find what I was looking for. I might have turned in a direction, walked or run, but I was concentrating too intently; my scope widening to encompass the Forbidden Forest and area surrounding the castle grounds. I don't know how long I was looking, I wasn't sure of the area my mind covered and I wasn't aware of where I was. But when I finally touched the familiar aura and sensed the mind that wasn't easy to breach, my sudden joy made me lose my focus and all of a sudden all the thoughts and emotions of things, human and otherwise within the perimeters of my mind flooded through my mind. The pain was unbelievable; it was like a thousand knives stabbing at my brain, my eyes, my heart and my stomach at the same time. I didn't know if the darkness was on account of my surroundings or the fact that my eyes were closed or because I had blacked out because of the pain, but it terrified me even more. It was like I could feel and hear everything in my head, but I could really see where I was or what I was doing. The physical vulnerability and mental anguish was devastating. I think I felt arms around my shoulders and a voice in my ears. Whatever it was, it felt a like a cage. A very strong, very loud and harsh cage and it only made the pain worse. I thrashed and fought, desperate to get away from that voice and scared that maybe it was someone dangerous and I wasn't capable of doing much to protect myself at the moment. The arms shifted me, I think, because suddenly everything tilted and I felt my forehead rest against something hard. I was trying to pull my blocks back in place and fight off whoever it was at the same time, unsuccessful at both. All I could concentrate on, all I could feel was the pain. My own physical pain as it mingled with the pain of everything around me. The people, the inhabitants of the forest, heck I think I could even feel the pain of the age-old trees of the forest. The sadness, the hopelessness, the despair- it was too much. And yet, through all that, I felt something stroke my hair, softly and yet assuredly. And I willed myself to concentrate on that movement.  
Up and down, up and down, up and down. Up and down.  
Somehow, I managed to put up a hint of my shields and felt a fraction of the pain rescind. It was enough for me to realise that I was wrapped up in someone's arms, that our breathing patterns matched and that I was safe. I just knew it.  
Now, along with the hair stroking I had the breathing patterns to focus on. As another portion of my shield fell into place, I realised that I was huddled against this person, as if I was trying to climb into him. Slowly by slowly, every part of my shield locked into place and all of a sudden it was absolutely quiet in my head. Just me and my complete lack of thoughts.  
And the person whose arms were still around me.  
I wanted to move but I was so utterly exhausted that I wasn't sure if I would be able to twitch my finger even. To make matters worse, I was shivering, uncontrollably and incessantly. But I did mange to take in a deep breath, and then, only when I breathed in that familiar scent did I finally realise what my subconscious had known from the start.

Sirius.

"You're back." It wasn't much of a question; I don't even think he was talking to me. But I heard the relief in his carefully measured voice and his arms around my tightened just the slightest bit. I felt him move back slightly and I thought of protesting, he was warm and strong and I didn't want to move. But before I could do anything about it, I felt him wrap my up in a blanket and then I felt his arms on my back and behind my knees.  
"I'm going to pick you up." He told me softly and gently lifted my up to his chest. I rested my head against his chest and cuddled closer. I didn't know if he was walking that gently or if he'd finally stopped.  
"We're sitting down." He whispered and then I felt him slide down a tree trunk and then I found myself sitting across his lap, still bundled up in that blanket and his arms wrapped tightly around me. I felt his hand against my forehead, "No fever." I muttered with my eyes still closed.

"You're still shivering." He sounded worried.

"It's just the adrenalin."

I heard him curse softly and then felt him dab a cloth against my upper lip. "It's just some minor bleeding. I'm okay." I told him.

He cursed again. "I just saw you walk out of the bushes and then suddenly cry out in pain and double over. When I finally reached you and touched you, called out your name you thrashed against me and cried out in even worse pain. There wasn't anything I could do, or say that could help you, but it did make it worse. And that was half an hour back, I think. You were bleeding through your nose and you have yet to stop shivering. Forgive me if I don't take your word for it when you tell me you're okay."

I finally managed to open my eyes and immediately looked into his. It was too dark and I couldn't see him properly, but the moonlight highlighted the worry that lined his face. I pushed back a lock of his hair that was falling into his eyes and then caressed his cheek, smiling up at him. That's when I felt some of the tension leave his body.

"I'm sorry." I told him.

"What for?"

"For what I said before, in the Great Hall-"

"Lexie, for Merlin's sake, this can wait." He interrupted me.

My hand slid down his cheek and covered his mouth. "Let me finish." He kissed the inside of my palm and then, even though my body felt as limp as a cooked noodle, my stomach automatically tightened. "I didn't mean to sound like I was ashamed of being seen with you. I was just tired of all the teasing earlier and I took it out on you. Even when you weren't accusing or teasing me. I meant what I said, I like you. All I'll ever be with Liam, if ever, is friends." And I turned my head to place a kiss on his sweater-clad shoulder because I was too tired to reach up and kiss his mouth or cheek.

"What in Merlin's name just happen to you?" He wanted to know.

I settled against his shoulder, tired of looking up at his and his arms shifted, to accommodate my movements. "I wanted to look for you." I started. "I needed to apologize but I didn't think you'd headed back to the dorms so I needed to find you. And the only way I know how is via telepathy." I felt him stiffen at my words, but he remained silent. I continued. "So I dropped my shields that are always in place to keep everyone's thoughts and feelings out and first searched the castle. When I didn't sense you there, I guess I walked out the castle and onto the grounds to look for you there, widening my scope. I widened it further, when I couldn't find you on the grounds either, I widened my scope further. I finally did find you and, I guess, I started to walk in your direction. But then I finally lost my focus, and considering how wide I'd stretched my mental limits… I could feel and hear and sense everything. All their thoughts- their hopes and dreams, their fears and uncertainties, their joys and most importantly their pain. And it's like a sensory overload you know… it hurts. A lot. Everywhere."

"Oh and for the record, maybe at first I did fight your hold and your voice was too loud. But the only thing that helped me focus enough to place those shields in their place was you stroking my hair. It might have seemed tiny and inconsequential, but it was rhythmic and constant. It gave me something else to concentrate on, something other than the pain or everyone around me."

This time he reached down to place a gentle kiss on my forehead. I tilted my head and he placed a soft kiss on my lips too. "You are bloody crazy." He softly growled against my lips. "Next time wait till morning. I nearly had a heart attack when I first saw you like that. And what if it hadn't been me who had found you, ha? And what about your fear of the dark?"

I pulled away just enough so that I could look at him, "I couldn't wait till morning."

"Why the bloody hell not?" Jesus, he really was mad.

"Because."

"That's supposed to be reason enough?"

I grinned at that condescending question. "Because I didn't want to go to bed with you still mad at me."

"Lexie-" He started.

"No." I interrupted him. "Don't you remember the Shrieking Shack? Cause I do. And I know that I act like I don't want this, that I don't care but the truth is that I do. And walking out that day hurt, more than anything. But I did it because I felt it was the right thing to do. I also remember your condescension and your passive aggressive anger later, like that time in your dorm when I told you guys about my wiccan heritage. And I don't blame you for it, you were completely justified. Just as you were today. And I wanted to make it right before I pushed you away hard enough that you won't be able to bounce back, that you won't want to."

He ducked his head and kissed me again.

"Firstly. Never again will you wander about the forest, with your mind connected to every other in the vicinity. Especially by yourself. Promise me."

I opened my mouth to argue but he didn't wait for my argument. And frankly I was too tired to call him out on his so-called high-handed behaviour. "I'll try." I conceded.

"Brat." I muttered half heartedly. "And secondly, I'm here to stay Perry. We'll figure everything out one step at a time, okay? I'm not going to just stop caring because we have a small disagreement. Sure I'll walk away, sometimes you will. I'm certain there'll be a lot of yelling too. Merlin knows there's been enough of that in the past." We both grinned at that. "Hell, I'm sure we'll say things in the heat of the moment that we wish we could take back. But that's just a part of it, right."

"Part of what?" I asked.

"Of the bigger picture." He answered. "Of us."

**Well if that's love  
It comes at much too high a cost**

I smiled and settled against him once again. "Love." He asked.

"Hmmm?"

"Ready to head back?" I couldn't control the shudder that ran through my body at the thought of it.

"What's wrong?" He demanded as he unconsciously pulled my closer.

"I'm not strong enough to keep them all at bay tonight." I told him.

"You mean you have to protect your mind in your sleep too?" He asked me in a funny voice.

"Every second I'm surrounded my people, my shields are up." I told him. "But we can't stay out all night. Plus there're classes tomorrow." I shifted, tried to move out of his arms and try to stand up by myself. But I couldn't and he put a stop to any further attempts on my part.

"Don't my thoughts bother you?" He asked instead.

"You know you've shielded your mind well." I told him. "I could read it, no doubt. But it would take effort. You don't have it left open, like most of them out there. Anyway, can you manage carrying me back to the castle?"

He snorted. "You weigh nothing, love. I could manage carrying you. But instead there is this place I know. It's the old Games' keeper's hut. The lads and I found it a while back and spruced it up a bit. We could spend the night there, away from all the people. We'd head back tomorrow during lunch. I don't think you should attend morning school, you need to rest."

I was silent for a while.

"Or I could drop you off at the hut and head back to the castle. It's safe and no one really knows about it. I could place some wards that should keep you safe till morning." He added.

"I trust you." And it was God's honest truth. "I trust you Sirius. And I would love to see this secret Maurauder hideout."

"Let's go then." Sirius said and gently shifted his grip and got to his feet. I don't remember how long it took us to get to the hut or how we got there. I was asleep a few seconds after he started walking.

**I'd sooner buy defying gravity  
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity  
I think I'll try defying gravity  
And you won't let me down**

**A/N:** Let me know what you think.  
Also I would like to say that I really appreciate all the reviews. Each and every one of them, more than I can explain. Thank you for that. Cheers.


	20. Brave

**Disclaimer:** The song belongs to Tawgs Salter.

I picked up my quill for the fiftieth time and nibbled on the edge. It was a simple integration problem, one that I would have solved in an instant, but my mind was currently occupied by other thoughts.

**I think I'll be brave  
Starting with you**

I looked at Mandy, from the corner of my eye, to see that she was busy translating runes. I tried to follow her example, concentrate on my own math homework, but my stupid conscience just wouldn't let it be. For the fifty-first time I set down my quill and opened my mouth, ready to ask Mandy to talk to me in private and for the fifty second time I closed my mouth and picked up my quill again. I didn't want to admit it, even to myself, that I was scared. My mind had already conjured up the worst case scenario, where everyone- Lily, Remus, James, Alice and Frank would not accept what I had to say. That Mandy would be so mad that she would never talk to me again. That none of them would. The thought was enough to make me squirm in my seat. The thought of the entire school finding out that Sirius and I were going to the dance together was nothing compared to the idea that Mandy would consider this some form of betrayal.

I made a face and plucked out some fine hairs that I had unconsciously chewed off the feathers of my quill. I tried to spit out the remaining ones, hating the way they tickled my tongue.

"Alex, is everything okay?" I froze and then slowly lowered the paper napkin that I had been using to wipe the feathers off my tongue. If I had any doubts as to how weird I might have looked just then, they were wiped clean when I saw the varying looks of amusement, disgust and worry that my friends wore.

Lucky for me it was just me and the girls. The boys were off playing a friendly Quidditch match. One that I had been invited to join, considering what an awesome player I was, but Alice, Lily and Mandy had forcibly held me back citing girl time. Girl time which had suddenly become study time. Insert colon 's' here. Colon 'p'.

"Alex?" Alice asked me weirdly again.

I nodded, balling up the napkin and neatly landing it in a waste paper bin close by. "Feathers from my quill." I answered vaguely.

"Gross." Lily muttered as Mandy shuddered.

"Moving on quickly from that disturbing mental picture, I'm done with my homework. Mandy, I don't think those runes are going to be solved today and Lily was done with her Transfiguration essay a while back." Alice summarized as she closed her reference books and rolled up her parchments.

"And considering how much time Alex has spent staring longingly out the window, there's no question as to where she would rather be right now." Mandy winked at me.

"Then I say let's put her out of her misery and join the boys." With that Lily started packing up too.

This was my opening. This is where I was supposed to say that I have something to say and then just tell them that I was going to go with Sirius for the Winter Dance. I really had to do this today. I just had to. And for the first time, I did just that.

"Wait." I indicated for everyone to sit around the table. "I have something I need to talk to you guys about."

"Are you grandmothers okay?" Mandy asked in a concerned voice.

I rubbed my forehead guiltily. "Yeah, they're fine. This has nothing to do with it."

"What's wrong then?" Alice wanted to know.

I looked at Lily for help and I could tell she wanted to, but how could she. She didn't know what I had to say. She did mention that she knew that I had feelings for Sirius, which is true. But it's an entirely different matter considering we've been spending so much time together and lying about it.

"I…" I cleared my throat. "Right. So, the thing is that… I have something to say." I tucked a lock of my hair behind my ears and smoothed my hands on my thighs. It was like I had forgotten how to speak.

"Shit." I muttered.

"Alex, just say it." Lily laid an encouraging hand on my shoulder. "Nothing can be that bad."

I snorted, "Don't be so sure about that." And then I was out of my chair and pacing. I just couldn't sit still anymore. I needed to do something… anything.

"Alex, honey." Mandy was so encouraging, so patient, it just made things worse.

"I know, I know." I was playing with my fingers now. "I just don't know where to start."

"How about at the start." Wow, wasn't that helpful Alice. The start. Right. So when did it start. What could I classify as the start…? Was it when I started to hate Sirius or was it when I started to not hate Sirius. Did I ever really hate him in the first place? I mean I didn't really know him them and it is wrong to make judgments without really knowing someone. But then again that's just a thing people say because you can't possibly know everyone around you… so observing them from a distance, their interactions and their overall behaviour should be enough to know whether you will be able to be friends with such a person or not.

"Alex, sweetie you're not making sense anymore." Lily's words got me to stop pacing and I just stared at her blankly.

"You were thinking out loud again." She explained slowly, as if not to startle me.

Despite myself, I rolled my eyes. "I have got to stop doing that." Lily smiled. "Anyway, as I was saying."

"Yes, what are you saying, exactly?" Alice asked.

"I just…" I started helplessly again, annoyed at being interrupted. So, maybe I was going off topic for a bit there, but at least I was using words and forming sentences, following the rules of grammar and everything. "So, as I mentioned before, it started maybe a while back."

"The hating or the not hating Sirius part." Was that amusement I heard in Alice's voice?

"Would you please, please, stop interrupting me?" I pleaded. "Just humour me and hear what I have to say. Even if it doesn't make sense."

"Right. I apologize. So, it started a while back. And then?"

I glared at Alice. "Now, you've made it too difficult."

"Alex." Mandy asked me quietly. "Are you going to the dance with Sirius?" She was asking a question, but you could tell that she already knew. And something in me just broke. I walked up to her and crouched down in front of her chair.

"Mandy, I am so sorry. I don't even know how it happened. I mean, I hated him, I really did. Try as I may, I will never forget that night you came back after he ended things with you and I hated him. Truly, I did. But then I started to talk to him and in the beginning I just hated him more but then one day I didn't anymore. And then, we started spending more and more time together and I didn't want to lie to anyone anymore. Especially you. You've only recently stopped being all awkward- silent-y around him and I don't want to, you know, make it worse or anything. Jeez, I'm so sorry Mandy, I really am. I don't want to, you know. Not be sorry, cause I am. But I don't want to, you know… with him and stuff. And it's not like a compulsion or anything, and if you say so then I won't, but things make sense, you know. He makes sense in a way that doesn't make sense. And I now realize that I'm not making sense, but it's true. And I'm so-" I stopped abruptly. I had to. Mandy had covered my mouth with her hand.

"Are you really sorry?" Mandy asked me. Considering her hand was still covering my mouth, I simply nodded and mumbled, "mmrmly."

"I'm going to move my hand now, but you have to stop with the rambling, yes? And listen to what I have to say."

Again, I nodded. "Mm-kay."

"I'm not going to lie to you Alex because the thought of you and Sirius does make me uncomfortable. But not because I still have feelings for me. Maybe, I still do. But mostly it's just because there is history between us and there always will be. But that's all it is, is history. I don't want you to not spend time with him in the manner you deem fit because I might be embarrassed about it. And you should because at the end of the day he is a good guy, Alex. It took me a while to understand why he ended things with me and now, in retrospect, I know it was for the best. So if you want to go to the Winter Dance with him, you can and you should."

"But if it does make you uncomfortable then I don't want to." I placed my hands on hers, resting in her lap and squeezed. "I know it seems contrary most of the times, but you are my friend and I don't want you to be in an awkward position because of me. I really don't."

"So if I say so, you won't go to the dance with him? You'll stop spending time with him?" Mandy asked me.

**But I'll fall away if you tell me to  
**

I thought about it. And somehow I went back to that night when I lost control while using telepathy to find Sirius- our talk that night and then the night we spent in that hut. The maurauders had done a very good job of cleaning up the place and while I didn't remember being carried through the forest and into the place considering how soundly I was asleep, I do remember waking up pretty late the next morning to the sight of Sirius in an armchair by the bed, asleep, with his legs resting on the bed. As I looked around the room, I tried really hard not to roll my eyes at the Gryffindor themed room, decorated in shades of reds and gold, with elegant wooden furniture. On the table by the bed I noticed a bowl and a wash cloth, with what looked like blood on it. I smiled at Sirius' considerate behaviour- not only had he cleaned away the blood from my nose bleed, but he'd also slept in that tiny chair when we could have comfortably shared the bed without any chances of rolling over onto the other person's side, the bed was that big. That morning was the first morning when I hadn't hated the thought of getting out of bed and facing the day. Who could, after catching a glimpse of the peaceful, unguarded expression on Sirius Black's sleeping face. I had silently climbed out of bed and gone to the bathroom, to find extra, fresh toothbrushes in the medicine cabinet. By the time I got out, I'd walked out to another magnificent sight, that of Sirius Black stretching out the kinks in his back. The memory of his kiss on my forehead and the concern in his eyes when he asked me how I was feeling still brought a smile to my face.

And then I remembered Mandy's question and the smile vanished. I didn't want to stop.

"If you say so, then I will try my best not to." I answered truthfully. "I didn't want to become one of those girls, you know. Most of them date him because they think it's glamourous or whatever, but he's anything but. He has this layered personality and he's quiet and so… solid, you know."

Mandy smiled. "You both have quite a bit in common."

"Oh, anything but." I told her. "I know it seems like that on the surface, but the truth is that he's the kind of person I hope to be someday."

"So says the girl whose voice dripped when derision whenever she uttered the word 'Black'." Alice sounded skeptical. I didn't blame her, if it were Lily and I in Mandy and her place I would be even more skeptical, and worse.

"I know." I looked away. "I was so embarrassed to admit it, even to myself. But I guess in the past couple of months I've been spending time with the real him, you know. The Sirius who James, Remus and Frank know. And he's so much… more." Now that I was saying these things out loud, in a way it was becoming real. And scary as it was, I was so glad I wasn't lying to them anymore.

"As glad as I am to be telling you this finally, I'm not sorry that we weren't that forthcoming in the beginning. Getting to know him would have been that much harder, with the entire school watching, you know." I looked back at Lily and met her gaze before meeting eyes with Alice and then finally Mandy again, "The dance is this Friday, which is what, day after tomorrow?" Mandy nodded, "And I knew it was time to tell you."

"Well, I for one, think that if you feel the way you say you do, then go right ahead. You have nothing to worry about, I'm fine with it. And I wish you happiness." Mandy squeezed my hands and smiled at me.

"No, no." I shook my head. "You've misunderstood me. I'm not dating Sirius or anything. We've just been hanging out a bit and we're going to the dance together but that's it."

I heard Alice snort. "Why must you delude yourself, hmmm? Are you telling me that you're 'hanging out' with Sirius the way you 'hang out' with me or even James for that matter? You expect us to forget everything else you tried to say before? 'He's so much more' and 'he's so quiet and solid'. Please Alex, forget about us, at least tell me you are honest with yourself about what's happening between you and Sirius."

I shook my head again. "So maybe things between us are a little out of the realm of friends, but that's as far as it's going to go. That's as far as I want it to go." I looked at Alice, who shrugged at me. "Whatever you say, Alex. Anyway, after what you did for Frank and me, who am I to stand in the way of whatever you and Sirius are." At my confused look, Alice added with a wink, "Frank told me about the dresses and Diggory stunt you pulled on him. He completely bought it and who was I to tell him otherwise." With that attempt at light hearted conversation, the tone of the conversation changed. I knew that I hadn't convinced anyone, including myself, when I said that Sirius and I were just going to the dance together. Hell, I knew exactly what had happened in the past couple of days. But I didn't want to think about that just yet.

Finally, I turned to Lily. I might have been hesitant, even to meet her eyes. But she was anything but. She walked up to me and pulled me up and wrapped her arms around me, tightly.

"I'm happy if you are." She whispered.

"Well, I don't know if happy is the word for it." I answered honestly.

"One day at a time." She patted my back reassuringly.

**I'd rather be wrong  
Then hope that I'm right  
'Cause I can't go on with this all inside  
**

By the time we got out to the Quidditch pitch, it was nearly dark and the boys were done playing. James was the last one out of the air and on the ground. He immediately made his way towards Lily but she held him at arms length. "How in the world can you get so muddy when you're off flying?" She demanded.

James grinned, his eyes sparkled as if he was hiding some big secret. "You really want to know, love?"

Lily rolled her eyes, the effect ruined by her laughter. "Maybe some other time, hon."

"You missed the game Alex." Gideon came to stand by me and threw his arm around me.

"Yeah, we missed you, tiger." Fabian came and stood by my other side and he, too, threw his arm around my shoulder. The twins called me that, tiger. Which really didn't make sense, cause I was the exact opposite of a graceful, lithe animal, but hey, they refused to stop calling me that and I'd given up on getting them to stop a long time back.

I smiled at them; there was no way you couldn't. I really loved the dopey twins. Most people didn't know that beneath their fun loving exterior, which ran pretty deep, they had spines of steel. They had that gallant, pure blood way about them, one that treated everyone they liked with warmth and respect. At the same time, they could unleash the cold, aristocratic contempt on the people who they didn't. I think all the pure bloods were home schooled in that respect, but I wasn't going to complain. It was awesome to watch.

"Next time, when I don't have a load of math homework to finish." I promised.

While the boys caught up with the girls and talked about school, homework and whatnot, I looked around the circle for Sirius. He was across from me, standing next to Remus, his broom thrown over his left shoulder. Despite the fact that his robes were muddy too, his hair windblown and his cheeks pink from the wind and the cold, he looked good.

Though Sirius wasn't on the Quidditch team, he was a pretty good chaser. Together, he and James made a formidable team. For years James had tried everything in his book to get Sirius to at least try out for the team and every year Sirius refused. He claimed that if he did, he chances of him killing James rose exponentially. Not that I blamed him, James was neurotic on the Quidditch pitch. Even Lily stayed out of his way when he was all business when it came down to the game.

I smiled at him and he inclined his head in response. It terms of interaction, it wasn't much, especially when it came to two people who were… what were we exactly? Two people who were going to go on a date in two days time. Two people who had been spending a lot of time together? Well whatever we were, that small acknowledgement was enough to make my heart beat just a little bit faster.

**I think I'll be brave  
And say how I've wanted you**

I was so caught up in my thoughts that when Gideon squeezed my shoulder to get my attention, I jumped just a little bit.

"Woah, easy there, tiger. Ready for dinner?"

"Actually, I think I'm going to stay out and fly around for a bit. Work up an appetite you know." I'd had enough interaction for the day, and I just wanted to spend some time by myself, absorb the day's events.

"You mean, you plan to eat more than usual today?" Fabian asked. "Well, then, boys we'd better head in quickly, cause Merlin only knows how much food we'll get to eat once Alex is done with it."

"Oh. Ha. Ha." I replied with a smile, to let him know I was joking. I waved goodbye to everyone, before heading into the locker room to grab my Nimbus 1001- the latest, fastest broom out there. I was so happy when James and Remus got me for my birthday this year. It had arrived just a couple of days back and despite my excitement, I almost sent it back, the gift was too extravagant, especially after the way I had behaved with them recently. But the boys refused and I kept it. Considering how crappy my birthday had been otherwise, I was too excited about the gift. The mahogany wood was polished dark, and the boys had had my name engraved on it in gold. The broom was light and flew like a dream. I couldn't wait to fly on it in a real game. My palm almost itched to feel the fluttering snitch in my hand once again.

I pulled on my flying boots and grabbed my leather gloves and pulled my skull cap to make sure my ears were covered properly. I pushed the door to the locker room open and walked onto the pitch. I looked up at the twilight sky, with its shades of orange, red and black. Instinctively, I swung my leg around the handle and kicked off. The rush of the cold, crisp evening wind against my face was such a refreshing change. For the millionth time I wondered how in the world could I have ever hated something like this. The wind, the near weightless feeling, the quiet and calmness from being so far away from everything- just me and my thoughts, was so good. This was the closest I would ever come to flying and I loved every minute of it. At first, I just circled the pitch, clearing my head from all the thoughts of everything around me. Slow at first, I sat almost upright on the broom and then fast, with my front flat against the broom. God, I loved flying!

**Going around inside my head  
Trying to talk me out of it  
**

I took this rare opportunity of the lack of voices in my head to sort out what had happened earlier. I remembered what I had said to Mandy about not…. associating with Sirius if she was too uncomfortable with the idea of us and I realized what complete bull that was. Yes, I was aware of the shaky grounds our… relationship was built on, but I knew that even though the ground we were on might be prone to earthquakes, the building itself was a sound structure. Everyday that I was with Sirius, it was my choice and I wasn't ready to choose the other option, of not being with him.

**So lonely...Too lonely**

I, now, looked forward to everyday… getting out of bed was easier, going to bed wasn't that scary, the thought of talking to someone, letting him know that I wanted him around and basking in the knowledge that someone wanted me around too was a novel feeling and one that I wanted to explore further. I knew that Sirius and I would end someday, maybe soon, but not yet. Just… not yet. And who knew maybe by some strange luck, he would understand why I hid so much from him. Maybe he'd understand. Maybe.

**If there's a possibility  
You turn and run away with me  
I need to...To show you before it fades**

I shook my head, shifting my focus back to flying and pushed all my thoughts out of me head. Just to make sure I wasn't rusty when actual practices started from next week, knowing that James would have my head on a plate otherwise, I worked on my dives, worked on going from fast to slow in just seconds, abruptly halting and then changing directions, just getting the hang of my new broom. It was like Flash could read my mind. Yes, I do refer to my broom as a person and yes, he even has a name. It's Flash. Like the comic book hero, all fast and red for Gryffindor. I can be a nerd sometimes. So, as I was saying, Flash was awesome and I didn't want to come down. Ever. I know you're supposed to be modest and everything, but one thing I knew for a fact that I was good at was flying. It came to me just naturally and even if I had sucked at it, I would have still loved it. Never did I feel freer than when I was on the broom, flying. After flying for about half and hour, forty five minutes, I reluctantly headed for the ground, the cold finally getting to me. The landing was smooth and I swung Flash on my shoulder and turned to head towards the lockers when I stopped short. And then the high from flying vanished, just like that.

The sight of Jenna and Stone standing face to face literally had my heart skipping a beat.

**I think I'll be brave  
**

"What's going on here?" I demanded. Thankfully, my discomfort did not reflect in my voice.

"He was saying horrible things about you and James and Lily, Remus and Sirius." Jenna cried as she came to stand beside me. Instinctively, I caught her hand and pulled her behind me.

"That's right, tell on me to your teacher, why don't you." Stone sneered.

Hadn't I been worried to death about Stone finding out the connection between Jenna and me, I would have found his childish behaviour ridiculously funny.

Ignoring Stone, I turned my head slightly, unwilling to take my eyes off Stone completely. "Did he hurt you, Jen?" The nickname just rolled off my tongue, before I could stop it.

Her hand twitched within mine, "No." I understood, he might not have hurt her physically, but he had scared her.

**Starting with you**

"Don't you think that picking on younger, unsuspecting girls just goes to show what a coward you really are, Stone?" I demanded.

"I would watch what I said, if I were you, Halli- oops, I mean Perry." I nearly rolled my eyes at his stupidity, but I knew that pushing him too far wasn't such a good idea at the moment.

"What do you want, Stone?" I asked, instead.

"To talk to you. Tell the halfling to take a walk, now."

"Jenna, did you come down here with friends?" I asked, not taking my eyes off Stone.

"Yes. They are right over there, near the stands." She inched closer towards me.

"Okay, I want you to walk over to them and head back to the common room right now." I hoped that the tone of my voice let her know that arguing with me at this point wasn't a good idea.

"What about you?" She asked.

"I'll be fine. In fact, I'll be right behind you." I drew her out from behind me and gently pushed her in the direction of the stand. "Go on, then."

Jenna cast one last uncertain look in my direction, then she looked at Stone and then she walked off. Thank the gods.

**But I'll fall away if you tell me to  
**

"You think that just because I'm stuck with detention with McGonagall that you can do whatever you want to do? You think you've won, Halliwell?" Stone started the minute Jenna was out of ear shot. "You think I haven't noticed that you're closer than ever with your band of mudbloods and blood traitors."

"I would watch what I said, if I were you Stone." I told him through clenched teeth.

"Or what?" He demanded, his silver eyes narrowed to slits and lips flattened with rage. "Have you forgotten, Halliwell, that I still have your grandmothers?"

"No." I shot back. "But you seem to have forgotten that for another month and a half you're going to suffer in McGonagall's dungeon of horrors, that your comings and goings, your mail and basically your breathing and crapping is being monitored. Had you been a little bit careful and not so cocky, then maybe you would not be in the mess you are right now. But you are. In addition to being unbelievably cocky, arrogant and clumsy. But I am none of the above. You have nothing to threaten me with anymore Stone. And come New Years, I'm going to be ready for whatever you are going to throw my way. But till then," I took a step closer to him, "forget about intimidating me anymore. Cause you are the one on the short leash, not me." I looked him up and down, my lips curled up in disgust, "Maybe you should spend the next month working on being a little more stealthy. I doubt Voldemort will entertain overconfidence and sloppiness, all of it coming from one person."

**I'd rather be wrong  
Than hope that I'm right  
'Cause I can't go on with this all inside  
**

"You're going to be sorry for everything you just said Halliwell." Stone voice had gone soft with anger. "Everything and more." There was nothing but contempt and promise in his voice and I had no doubts that if presented with the opportunity, he would do everything to follow through on it.

"You'll be sorry for a whole lot more if you don't step away from her right now." Hearing that voice made me relax involuntarily. It wasn't that I couldn't handle Stone on my own, but that there was someone who would watch my back nonetheless... And not just anyone. Him.

**I think I'll be brave  
And say how I've wanted you**

Him.

Shit! How much had he heard? And then I relaxed again because had Sirius been there from the beginning, he would have taken care of Jenna before I had even noticed the two of them. I relaxed again.

Stone, on the other hand, froze for a second before a cool expression slid into place. Slowly he turned around, "Well, just when I thought there was nothing that could pull you away from your tower of cowardice, Black. Even less that it would ever be Perry."

I know that this was just Stone, pond scum and all that, and but that insult stung anyway. And then immediately, I panicked- what if Stone called me Halliwell in front of Sirius. The minute Stone picked up on that, it would make life here in this castle just so much harder. I momentarily sent up a quick prayer, to no one in particular, that this meeting would end quickly and without any further incident.

**Over the bridge and down a ways  
Far off ahead I see a face  
**

I stepped around Stone to notice that Sirius was still in his muddy robes. And for a second, I faltered at the expression Sirius wore. Never before had his feelings been so evident on his face and in his eyes. His face was hard; his jaw clenched tight and the skin over his cheekbones drawn taut. And there was no way in hell anyone could miss the mercurial glint in his silver eyes.

"And you wonder why people consider you without class." At least his voice was even. When I went and stood next to him, he shifted only slightly and yet that movement was enough to make me feel as if he had thrown a protective arm around my shoulder.

Stone changed tactics. He relaxed his stance and slid his hands in his robe pockets, transforming from a raging bully into a guy who thought he was conversing about the weather with friends. "This has nothing to do with you, Black. It's between Perry and me."

"There isn't anything between Alex and you either." Now that I was standing so close to him, I could feel his body thrumming with anger. Not knowing what else to do, I simply slid my hand into his and squeezed reassuringly. He stiffened at the contact and then after a second, relaxed. "Look over my shoulder, Stone." Sirius added in a deceptively calm voice. I saw Stone's gaze lock with something behind, in a distance. "Notice Sluggy? He's here to escort you back in. And if that's not enough incentive for you to walk away, then look near the stands to the right." I saw Stone's gaze shift and then moved, as if to take a step back. "Yes. It is nearly the whole of Gryffindor's Quidditch team. And they don't like it when one of their own is threatened in anyway." When Stone opened his mouth to say something, Sirius beat him to the punch. "Don't try to show off in an impossible situation, Arbacus and just walk away." Sirius cautioned him. Pride rendered him statuesque for several seconds before he walked away. Without mumbling under his breath or 'accidentally' brushing his shoulders with Sirius like any other guy who was just humiliated would have. Even when beaten, his pureblood heritage showed as he walked away with his shoulders straight and head held high. I was torn between admiration and pure repulsion.

When his footsteps died away, I leaned into Sirius' side and put my arms around him, in a side hug. He pulled away briefly to free his arms, which he wrapped around me and pulled me in closer, "I'm getting you all muddy." He kissed the top of my head.

"Yes, this is me caring. Can't you tell?" I replied half heartedly, turning my face into his chest, breathing in his, now familiar, scent.

"It's okay. He's not going to hurt you anymore." He ran one hand up and down my back. "I'm right here."

**I follow, it's swallows me  
Where do I begin  
**

I stiffened at his words and pulled away. "Woah, wait." He didn't let me pull away completely. So I tried to find the right words to make this out to be a civil conversation, where I would express what I was thinking without insulting, hurting him or ruining the moment we were sharing.

"While I do appreciate your intentions, really, I do. But I didn't need you to do that. I can take care of myself Sirius."

At my words, his arms dropped to his side and some of that anger that he'd directed towards Stone returned to his face and eyes. "Well, I hate to break it to you love, but I really do not see how you've been taking care of yourself. Because the last time you had a conversation with Stone, you returned with a bruised cheek and a split lip. So forgive me for stepping in to make sure it didn't happen this time around." He lifted a hand and brushed my cheek for a second before lowering his hand to his side once again. "Try as you may to conceal it, it's still visible love."

Well if he wasn't so concerned about ruining the moment, which was already ruined, I dropped the whole 'subtle and civil' policy. "What do you think, that I can't take care of myself?" I took a step closer towards him without even realizing it, I was so mad. "You think I have lived this long as a Wicca without learning how to defend myself?"

"Lexie all I'm saying is-" He broke off, his face contorted in pain.

"You feel that? That pain inside your head?" And then I eased the pressure I was exerting mentally.

**Whenever you say you let me in  
I need to...To show you before it fades**

"That's just one of the many things I could have done when Stone slapped me around a bit. But you see, the last time around not only did he have my grandmothers somewhere I didn't know, the Lestranges were around too. I couldn't even say something to anger him, let alone cause him pain and inadvertently let him and the Lestranges and, through them, Voldemort know that I can do magic without a wand. Like you said Sirius, it's not about showing off or pride. It's something bigger. You think I want him to know about my connection with Jenna. You think I want him to know that he can get to me through you and the others?" And then I realized what I had just done. And I took a step closer and raised my hand and cupped his cheek with it. "Jeez, I'm so sorry about the whole," I wiggled my fingers in the direction of my head, "brain-pain thing. It's just… I don't want things to get so bad that Stone will take drastic measures. It's bad enough that someone with an ego of his size is being humiliated so, pushing him too far too soon will only ensure that he falls off the edge. And I don't want anyone getting hurt. Not because of me."

**I think I'll be brave  
Starting with you**

Sirius covered my hand with his, "And I don't want you getting hurt either. It doesn't mean I think you're weak or that you can't take care of yourself."

"I'm really sorry." I repeated.

"What did you do exactly?" Sirius asked.

"Well, I telepathically picked a vein in your head and applied pressure." I answered uneasily. "And I shouldn't have done that. It was just, I was so mad and I needed to show you. Jeez, if Grams ever finds out about this she'll just bind my powers or something."

Sirius waved off my apology, "It didn't hurt much, just took me by surprise mostly. What do you mean, bind your powers."

"One, it didn't hurt cause I wasn't planning on hurting you. I just wanted to show you that I can take care of myself. And two, it's possible for Wiccas to block their active powers, in my case, telepathy by drinking a potion." "

I thought you said my mind was well protected."

"Yes, it is. Enough that you don't project your thoughts outwards. But this isn't a testament of your mental weakness, just that of my strength." I winked at him.

**But I'll fall away if you tell me to  
**

"Minx." His lips were still curved into a smile when he planted a quick on one me. Our breaths fogged together when we pulled away. I turned my head slightly to the right and groaned softly. "Oh man, they're still here?"

Sirius chuckled and placed a quick kiss on the tip of my nose. "I should be the one whining about you telling the girls without letting me know first."

I rolled my eyes at the thought of the blue blooded Sirius Black whining. "I wasn't planning on it, but then they were there and they started talking…"

"About the dance?" Sirius took my hand and tugged me towards the castle.

"No." I shook my head, "Not really. But I just… had to talk to Mandy first and see how she felt about the whole thing."

"You know for a person who says she doesn't care about people, you behave quite to the contrary."

**I'd rather be wrong  
Than hope that I'm right  
'Cause I can't go on with this all inside**

"Yeah well, don't get used to it." Sirius chuckled once again.

"Anyway, how did you know to get out here anyway?"

"Well, love. I never really left. I was sitting in the stands the whole time. Some silly bird came over to talk to me about the dance and I didn't notice Stone with Jenna." I could hear the self recrimination in his voice.

I bumped him with my shoulder. "Oh come on, it was time well spent. Did the 'silly bird' at least ask you out to the dance?"

"As a matter of fact she did." Did I hear caution in Sirius Black's voice?

I grinned to myself. "See, like I said, time well spent. And besides, there was no harm done. So all cool."

"Is it, really?" Yes, there was the caution again. "All cool?"

I rolled my eyes, stopped and turned to face Sirius. "Sirius, I'm not stupid, okay. And I haven't been dead these past six years. So I know that you're pretty popular with the girls." If there ever was an understatement and half, this was it. "If you wanted to spend time with these girls, I guess you would have. So I'm not going to spend my time worrying about something I'm pretty sure isn't a problem. Unless, you're telling me there is some problem." I cocked my head to the side. "So, is there a problem?"

**I think I'll be brave  
And say how I've wanted you**

Instead of answering me, Sirius gathered me close and planted another one on me. And this time, he took his time. Amidst all the wolf whistles and shouts of encouragement from my team that I had forgotten about, Sirius' whispered words, "Oh, and love, you fly like a dream," sent heat racing through my body.

That night as I lay in bed, I couldn't help but smile at my… well, bravery today. Telling Mandy and the girls about Sirius, standing up to Stone and defending Jenna, hell, I even checked up on her during dinner, actually having a conversation with Sirius and even kissing him in front of everyone, for which I got teased, a lot. And I knew that by tomorrow, if not already, the entire castle would know about Sirius and me, and somehow, I really didn't give a damn. Because for the first time since I'd come to Hogwarts, I felt like I belonged.

**Going around inside my head  
Trying to talk me out of it  
So lonely...**

**A/N:** I know, I've been gone too long. I just had exams and trips with my school and then family and a whole lot of other stuff. I apologize and I hope this chapter is enough to make it up to all you guys. Also thank you so much for all your reviews, they really are very encouraging.


	21. Hope

**Disclaimer:** This song belongs to Jack Johnson.

Brave.  
That's what last night was about.  
Being brave. Accepting things for what they were and trying make a change somehow. I had stood up to Stone, admitted to myself that I did, at the end of the day, give a shit or two about Jenna and most importantly told my friends about Sirius. Jeez, I'd even kissed him in front of the whole team. I bet no one would believe me now when I said it was just a date.

But that was yesterday and today all my bravery had dissipated just as abruptly as it had appeared.

**Shadow walks faster than you****  
****You don't really know what to do****  
**

Today, I pretended to sleep as everyone else went about their morning routines. Quite the coward, I hid behind the safety of my bed-curtains till the dorm door shut quietly and muffled footsteps sounded down the stairs. That's when I threw back my covers, drew open my curtains and hurried into the bathroom. I took my time in the shower knowing I had to get my timing just right if I was going to avoid running into anyone I knew this morning. I had to be late enough so that they were done with breakfast and out of the Great Hall, but early enough to ensure that breakfast wasn't over and I could quickly grab a toast and a cup of coffee and rush to class in time. I rushed out of the bathroom in record time and went about my morning routine of lotion and dressing. I didn't have time to line my eyes with kohl, so instead I just pushed my feet through my boots and didn't even bother zipping them, let my tie hang loosely from my neck and didn't bother to tuck my shirt into my skirt. I just grabbed my hair brush and book bag and ran out the door. It was uncomfortable in the least, especially the unzipped boots, but I was going to miss the coffee and then where would I be? As I hurried down to the Great Hall, I had to concentrate really hard on not falling flat on my face and simultaneously comb my hair. On most days, it was usually pulled back into a braid or a simple ponytail. But right now, I would be lucky enough to comb out the tangles and not break my nose. As I checked the clock mounted on top of the doors of the Great Hall, I was glad to see that I had enough time to sit down for a quick cup of coffee and a bite of toast. Holding the brush between my teeth, I fished out my scrunchie and pushed the door open. I stopped for a bit, trying to gather all my hair and finally when I was just about the tie it all up, I looked around and stopped moving. Two things happened then, one, the scrunchie snapped and secondly, I cursed my stupidity.

**Do you think that you're not alone?****  
****You really think that you are immune too****  
****Its gonna get that the best of you****  
****Its gonna lift you up and let you down****  
**

The blatant happiness at my current predicament made James entire face light up from within, just the way it did every time he was with Lily, whose expression was that of a mother at her wits' end all thanks to her monster of a child. The grudging amusement in Remus' eyes, as if his need to laugh at the picture I presented made him uncomfortable somehow. Alice and Frank were laughing silently and Mandy was trying to hide her smile behind The Daily Prophet. And Sirius, he's just arched his eyebrow in a silent question. I rolled my eyes and let go of my hair. Dropping my brush in my bag, I walked down the Hall, towards my friends. Frank tapped the third year sitting next to him and indicated him to scoot, taking his place and effectively creating place for me next to Sirius. I dumped my book bag unceremoniously and sat down on the bench with my back to the table. Crossing my right leg over my left, I zipped up my boot and shifted so that I was effectively straddling the bench. Reaching down, I zipped up my other boot and shifted again and fought the urge rest my head on the table by reaching for the coffee. Sirius reached for a clean mug and placed it in front of me; nudging Frank's used plate and mug away. As I poured my coffee, he placed a piece of toast in my plate and pushed the tub of butter near me. I added two cubes of sugar in my coffee and took a long sip. As I felt the clouds in my brain actually dissipate, I picked up the toast in my plate and took a bite. Suddenly a butter knife with a huge dollop of butter hanging precariously from its blade was shoved under my nose.  
Rolling my eyes, I took the knife from James' hand, "Give me that." I muttered.  
"You have to spread the butter evenly on the slice with the face of the blade." James instructed me. "Here want some jam?" He placed all the assorted jellies in front of me. "This is strawberry, pineapple, mango-"  
"Did you trip in the bathroom and hurt your head?" I asked him.  
"Isn't that rich, coming from a person who's dressed like an Alzheimer's patient."  
"Wow, isn't that a little offensive?" I drained the remainder of my coffee.  
"Again, coming from a girl who goes around calling every other person 'spastic'." And for some reason James decided to punctuation his point by throwing his napkin at my face. I decided to retaliate, but Remus caught it before James could throw it back at me.  
"But continuing James' line of thought, did an armoire throw up on you?" Frank asked.  
I rolled my eyes again. "I overslept."  
"Liar." Alice waved a fork in my direction.  
"You are a restless sleeper, Alex. You keep tossing and turning and making funny sounds when you're asleep. But today it was like you were a corpse. It was a dead giveaway." Mandy explained. I refilled my mug, fiddling around with the rim with my left hand and my right rested in my lap.  
"Hiding from the world again, aren't we." Lily picked up where Mandy had left off. "You might be confusing in most matters, but when it comes down to certain things you are like clockwork. You have one good day of what is a normal person's regular dose of sharing and socializing and you completely shut down the next day."  
I bristled slightly at the 'normal' person remark. Sirius, as if he had read my mind, silently slipped his hand in mine and squeezed in a reassuring manner. As I rearranged the grip so that our fingers were intertwined, I took another long drink out of my coffee to appear inconspicuous.  
"But I guess you forgot that today is a non instructional day for sixth and seventh years." Peter snickered to himself. Or maybe he didn't. I don't know, there was just something about the guy that pissed me off. Even more than usual. And it wasn't like he was around much lately, and surprisingly that didn't sit well with me either.

I tried to smile, knowing they were just kidding, but I couldn't. I couldn't help but think just how monumentally screwed up I was. I couldn't even face my friends after telling them things that people regularly told each other. I told them I had a date with a boy; I kissed the said boy, because lets face it that's what people who went on dates did. So then why was I sitting there, with an expression on my face as if I were sitting for a root canal, waiting for the first chance to bolt? I would have done just that, the others were now talking among themselves, I was left forgotten. Only I wasn't because just at that moment, Sirius squeezed my hand once again. I looked down at our linked hands, my own gripping his tightly and then I looked up at him for the first time that morning. He wasn't smiling, there was no tell tale wrinkle at the corner of his mouth and no lines at the corner of his eyes either. Hell, his eyes didn't even have that light of amusement. But there was something else in his eyes that kept me grounded and eased the tightness inside my chest. I couldn't help but relax. I didn't know how he did what he did and if I hadn't known better I would have thought him to be an empath. But he wasn't. He was Sirius. And that was just so much better.

**Your reflection is a blur****  
****Out of focus****  
****But in confusion****  
****The frames are suddenly burnt****  
**

After breakfast, I headed back up to the dorm to change out of my uniform and drop off my book bag. I remembered the reluctance with which both Sirius and I had let go of each others hand. I lifted my right hand to my nose and took a deep breath; I smelled just like him, that soapy scent with a touch of what could only be described as the storm. At that thought I let my hand drop and looked at myself in the mirror. I still looked like myself. Blue eyes, black hair, long bangs, cheekbones and high forehead, the straight nose, there I was. But I had never felt or thought so differently before. I had read enough books and watched enough movies and television to know that what I was feeling wasn't something new, thousands of people had written about it. And then, I had laughed it off. And yet here I stood now, thinking the exact same things. How in the damned world could someone smell like a storm? How could one whiff of that just bring that goofy smile on my face and why in the world did I care if my grey skirt and light pink shirt made me look good enough. Enough for what? Rather for whom, no? Jeez, I couldn't even feel disgusted at myself. I felt… calm inside for the first time in the longest time. Ironic that a whiff of stormy scent could do that to me. I tugged at the hem of my skirt nervously. I had always thought it was a little on the short side, but that along with my boots only made my legs appear longer. I had pulled my hair back into a single side braid and brushed my lips with shiny gloss. Gods, I was going crazy. With one last look in the mirror, I walked out of the dorm to join the others in a classroom to discuss decorations and whatnot. And damnit if I didn't walk a little bit faster.

The first thing I heard when I entered the classroom was a whistle. I looked around to notice Gideon looking in my direction. I turned around to see what was worth whistling. When I turned back around, Gideon was laughing silently to himself, shaking his head in what I thought was disbelief. I walked over and sat down next to Remus sitting on the window sill.

"What I think Gideon was trying to say when he whistled was that you look good, Alex." I tried really hard not to blush and hopefully I succeeded, "Yeah, right." I even managed to roll my eyes.

Remus just tugged at my braid in reply.

James got up from behind the desk and walked over to Remus at me, I could tell from the look on his face that he was bored.

"Not interested in what Susan, Alice and Mandy are discussing?" I asked.  
"The day I care about what colour the flowers at the dinner tables should be is the day you will have to drive a knife through my heart, love." I couldn't help the smile on my face as I shook my head.  
"Hmm." I looked up to see James staring at me.  
"What?" I asked a little too sharply.  
"I liked it better when your hair wasn't braided." With that he reached out and pulled out my scrunchie and undid half my braid before I could stop him.  
"James, what the hell is wrong with you?" I tried to slap his hands away.  
"Hold still Alex." Something in his voice made me freeze. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a coward when it came to things like this, but even I know when it was time to let things go. James finally undid my braid and tried to spread my hair around my shoulders as if it were flowers and James was an ikebanist. This time when I slapped his hands he dropped them back to his sides where they belonged and I threw my head back, finger combed my hair and then fiddled with my bangs a bit. "There, happy?"  
James' hand shot out like an arrow and before I could stop him he had a lock of hair between his fingers. "It's so soft."  
"Yeah, well…" I didn't know what I was supposed to say to that. It was soft after all. But my hair was also, what I believed to be, too thick and too long. It fell down to the middle of my back now. But even though it was such a pain to manage I couldn't just cut it. It was the one thing I loved about me.  
"Looking like a girl today, Alex." Frank had decided to join us as well.  
"I am a girl." I growled through my teeth.  
Before Frank could say anything else, Susan called the meeting to order.  
"Now that we all are present," she shot a not so subtle look in my direction, "I would like to get a move on things for tomorrow. James, if would please join me." She indicated at a chair next to her behind the teacher's desk.  
"Oh, sod off." James muttered under his breath and all of us at the window grinned. But even he knew better than to say it out loud and grudgingly made his way to the desk.

And then began the dullest morning of the life, and yes that includes all the ridiculous Charms lessons as well. One by one, everyone migrated closer to the front, to partake in the conversation, but I was just happy to sit back and not listen when I wanted to and listen when I felt like. This was what I was good at and most comfortable doing; just sitting back an observing people. And these people were just so interesting at watch. Frank and Alice were sitting side by side, talking to two other people and yet they were so aware of each other and so perfectly in sync. Frank had his arm around her and everything Alice moved, his arm would to enable her movement. Every now and then his fingers would slip beneath her hair and massage her neck gently and that when I realized that he did it every time he felt Alice go tense. I smiled as I watched Alice melt into her seat before my very eyes. There was James, bent over a parchment, his concentration absolute as he went through the menu or decoration list or something just that lame because he was head boy and he was supposed to be aware of everything that was going on. Lily, on her way to the other side of the room, walked past the back of his chair and as she passed him her hand brushed past his shoulder. James smiled, knowing who it was without raising his head and turning to look at who it was. Even though he didn't know that anyone was looking, even though Lily couldn't see him, that smile was such an open and honest representation of his love for her, as if what he felt for her inside couldn't be contained inside him. Or maybe he just didn't want to hold it all in. Mandy was sketching the final drafts of how the Great Hall was supposed to be decorated, her eyebrows furrowed with concentration and charcoal dust smudged across her cheek. Gideon and Fabian were been lectured by Susan. She was warning them against playing any pranks on people tomorrow, especially in the Great Hall during the dance. Gideon had decided to adopt a look of solemnity and every few seconds Fabian would give a long suffering nod. Just looking at those two cracked me up. When I saw Fabian place his hand on Susan's shoulder and bend his knees to look her in the eye and assure her, I just had to laugh softly to myself.

**And in the end of a roll of illusion****  
****A ghost waiting its turn****  
****Now I can see right through****  
****It's a warning that nobody heard****  
**  
"Who do they think they're fooling?" The warmth the filled me this time had nothing to do with watching Gideon and Fabian work their charming twin magic on another unsuspecting girl. "Just this morning they were drawing up plans for their own firework display at the end of the evening."  
I smiled at the thought, "That's actually a very good idea." I scooted a little so that he could join me on the window sill. I turned my head to meet his stormy gaze.  
He leaned in, the movement making a lock of hair fall into his eyes. "Don't tell Susan, but James has requested a couple of fireworks himself."  
"Your secret's safe with me." I winked.  
Just the sight of the corner of his mouth turning up slightly and his eyes crinkling settled something inside me every time I saw it. And the knowledge that I had made it happen… corny as it may sound, it just made me feel special.  
For the umpteenth time that day, I felt my hair being touched. But this time I didn't care. I was so hyperaware of him running his fingers through my hair, I felt every movement, every caress, every slight tug. "It looks better left free." He spoke softly, as if talking to himself.  
"It's a pain in the ass to manage, when left open." I told him.  
"Some things are worth the pain." Again, it was as if he was talking more to himself than to me. As he was talking, Sirius picked up my hand and held it against his, making sure our palms were facing each other. Jeez, I knew I had small hands but in comparison to his, they seemed microscopic. Well, not really, but you get the point.  
"What does the symbol mean?" Sirius traced the ring I wore on my left hand middle finger. It was a thick silver band with triquetra symbols all the way round. The ring was fashioned as a Tibetan prayer wheel; the centre band was free to spin around the ring. I always fiddled with the ring when I was nervous.  
"Grams and Aunt Phoebe gave it to me before I started Hogwarts. It's a triquetra, symbolizes the Power of Three, which is a common theme in our family. I was so scared that I would forget everything they'd taught me so the night before I was supposed to get onto the Hogwarts Express they gave it to me to remind me where I come from, even though I was going to go away for a while."  
After that we fell into a comfortable silence. For a short while, at least.  
"What Lily said this morning, it was true, no?" The syntax of that sentence made it sound like a rhetorical question, but I heard an actual question in his voice. That he was willing to give me the benefit of doubt made me hate myself a little more. I would have pulled my hand away, it was getting a little sweaty, thanks to my discomfort. But before I could, he linked our fingers, again and held onto my hand. I wanted to wrap my fingers around his hand too, but suddenly I remembered that I was lying to him, that I couldn't do this to him or to me. I was getting in too deep and I needed to surface before I ran out of air.  
"Lexie?" His voice was soft, coaxing. The way he said my name, I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to talk and talk and never stop talking.  
"Ye-" I cleared my throat, "Yes."

I could feel him looking at me, but I couldn't meet his gaze. Hell, I couldn't even look at our hands. I could imagine how weird they must look, his fingers holding my hand while mine were stretched as far as they could go. How screwed was I to not even be able to hold hands with the guy who made my stomach flutter in the good way? "Sirius…" I started. But before I could say anything more, he stopped me. I guess he figured it wasn't going to be anything good because his grip around my hand tightened and he spoke in such a calm manner, as if he had all the time in the world.

"I understand the fear. Believe me when I say I do." He paused before continuing. "When I got onto the Hogwarts Express for the first time, all I could think about, as I looked around the empty compartment, was that this is what the rest of my life was going to be like. Alone in the house I was going to get sorted into simply because of my family, hating everything around me, shunned because of what the 'Black' name represented. I was scared, Lexie." That he admitted to something so personal, made me look up at him. There was this sad, matter of fact air about him. "But then the compartment door flew open and I didn't know it then, but hope had just whirled in. James bounded in with Remus and Peter and while I was irritated at being interrupted, seeing how much I was enjoying my pity party. But when James didn't react to my name as I had expected him to, for the first time, unwillingly, the thought that maybe it wouldn't be so bad entered my mind. Maybe it wouldn't be so scary. Hearing James rattle on about the great house of Gryffindor, I began to hope that I would be sorted there too. The whole ride, I tricked myself into believing that I would be sorted into Gryffindor along with this scrawny kid who couldn't seem to keep his mouth shut. Fools' hope, you may call it. But then hope turned into reality and ever since then I've realized that it isn't so hard. Letting go of everything you believe in isn't so difficult when you have proof in front of you. James saved me, he does that every single day, quite like Lily does you. Believe in that, because it isn't fair to doubt her after so long. If you can't believe in yourself, at least believe in this." With that he lifted up our not so joined hands and kissed my hand. That's when I finally let my fingers relax and curl around his hand.  
"I want to." I whispered fiercely, "God, how I want to. But-"  
"No buts today, love. Anything but buts." He smiled that typical Sirius smile without really smiling, as he heard the sentence and I did too. "For today you don't have to say anything. All you have to do is believe. And hope." He leaned in and made me meet his gaze. "You're extraordinary, love. There's no bloody way that you can settle for anything else." And then he kissed my forehead.  
"Oye, you to lovebirds! Don't make me lose my breakfast just yet." One of the Prewett twins yelled.  
"Sod off." Sirius replied good naturedly, his lips moving against my forehead. Everyone laughed. How could I not smile? And just to make a point, I tilted my head and kissed him. Not on the cheek, because that was a stupid place for Sirius and not on the lips cause I didn't want to make a scene, but right at the corner of his mouth where the line appeared every time he smiled.  
"Thank you." I whispered.

"So, you and Sirius, just a date then, is it?" Mandy was brushing her hair, a mischievous smile glinting in her eyes.  
I looked up from the book I was reading and tried to look confused, "Yeah, I told you guys, remember. Sirius asked me to go to the dance with him."  
Alice rolled her eyes. "Trying to act dumb, are we?"  
I shut the book after marking the page I was at and set it on the nightstand by my bed. Fluffing the pillow behind me, I replied. "Why don't you just ask what you really want to ask? Then we'll take it from there."  
Mandy laughed. "I love how every conversation with you is like preparing go to go war. Ever heard of light talk? Teasing?"

I was completely confused at this point.

Alice laughed as she walked up to me and sat down on my bed, leaned over and kissed the top of my head.

"Were you really raised by wolves that you can't understand that we're trying to give you a fun/hard time about Sirius?"  
I just tried to raise an eyebrow like Sirius always did, and I guess I was successful because Alice chuckled, softly this time, and explained in plain English. "Alex, honey, did you notice how the second you were at the table there was a clean plate and cup in front of you?"  
"And then he placed a toast in your plate. It's so sweet that he knows your breakfast routine." Mandy joined in.  
"Did you notice how James nearly shoved the butter up my nose and offered me jellies like the natives offer human sacrifices to their gods? Does that mean James wants to more than just dance with me tomorrow?"  
"And then when you walked into the classroom, you may not have noticed but the look that flashed in his eyes made me want to fan myself." Alice continued as if I hadn't spoken.  
I rolled my eyes, although my insides felt like jell-o. "Well he does want to go to the dance with me, so sure, he's nice to me."  
"You are joking." Whether that was a question or a statement I was forced to agree with, I'll never know because right at that moment, there was a knock on our dorm door.  
"Come on in." I called, glad for the interruption.  
A junior, who I did not know, stuck her head in, "Frank Longbottom is asking for you, Alice. And Susan Bones needs the final sketches, Mandy"  
"Thank you Mila. We'll be right down." And thankfully, they were gone.

I reached for my book and touched my nose to ensure I was still wearing my glasses. Before I could crack my book open, I felt the bed dip. Putting my book aside for the second time the past 10 minutes, I looked up to see Lily looking at me with a pensive look on her face.

"Lils?"  
"It's really not a war, you know."

**It will teach you to love what you're afraid of****  
****After it takes away all that****  
****You learn to love****  
**  
"What isn't?"  
"This. Feeling something for someone. And I'm not just talking about Sirius. This includes James and Remus and Alice and Frank and me. Everyone, Alex. It's not a bloody war. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. It's not about survival, it's not about annihilation and it's not about power and pride. Most of the times, honest feelings leave you feeling raw, exposed and bloody miserable. You will never feel more helpless and humble than you do when you truly allow yourself to feel real emotion."  
"Why are you telling me this?"  
"Because I know you." Lily shrugged as if it was common knowledge. "I know that you do care about Sirius. The fact that you didn't tell me about it just proves my point. I also know that you're trying every trick in the book to talk yourself out of this. And I'm here to talk you out of that." She turned to face me on the bed and folded her legs Indian style.  
I sighed and took off my glasses and placed them on top of my book. "So what do you do then?"  
"When?" Lily tilted her head to one side.  
"When you're feeling all raw, exposed and bloody miserable. When you're so damned helpless, it's as if someone else is controlling you and your thoughts and reactions. How do you keep moving forward? What makes you want to fight on?"  
"It's not about fighting, Alex. Emotions are like quick sand. The more you fight them, the quicker you sink. And the reason you feel so unmasked is because we're all so used to the fact that we know ourselves better than anyone will ever know us, we're so caught up trying to find our own way through the world, to make sure that our defenses are in place that when the person who can see beyond our masks, who understands our insecurities and our fears and worse, knows exactly what to say to make it all better, your first instinct is to run, as fast as you can, in the other direction."  
"That's what you were doing with James." I finally understood.

**But you don't****  
****Always****  
****Have to hold your head****  
****Higher than your heart****  
**  
"Yes. I had seen beyond the prat prince persona of him long back. But I was so scared, Alex. He had seen Tunia talk to me in her own special way on King's Cross once, so he knew just what to say to make me feel better about that. His smile was just so honest and… unfettered, something inside me soared every time I saw him smile at me. It's still the same now. His easy acceptance of the fact that I was muggle, his laugh and I'll kill you if you tell him this, but his sense of humour and his stupid pranks… I love all of him and I spent a good part of the past five years fighting that." She was staring off into space with a soft smile. The next instant her gaze was focused again and she looked me right in the eye. "I know you hate giving up control more than anything. Control and power for you are so intrinsically linked. It's not just metaphorical. You have to control your own emotions all the time, maintain mental blocks, your Wiccan powers need an outlet… it's all connected for you in such a complicated way that giving up the psychological control and relinquishing a part of your power means a whole lot more to you. Alex, I see you walking around angry and worried about everything all the time. But when you're just around him, there's this softness in your eyes. He calms you, I can see it. And all I'm asking you to do is give this thing with Sirius a fair chance. Like I said, it isn't a war and it isn't a competition or race or something. It's not about getting somewhere, it about the time you spend on the road together."

I opened my mouth to say something but then I shut it, not knowing what to say anymore.

"You're not alone in what you feel, sweetie. And through all that anguish, you will learn that this is the best feeling in the world."  
"What's this?"  
Lily looked at me as if I should have been born with the answer to that question. "Why, love of course."

**The shadow is on the move****  
****And maybe you should be moving too****  
****Before it takes away all that you learned to love****  
****It will defeat you and then teach you to get back up****  
****Cause you don't****  
****Always****  
****Have to hold your head****  
****Higher than your heart****  
**

**A/N:** Once again, you won't believe how sorry I am for been gone this long. I hope there are people out there still reading this. Leave a review to let me know, please. Thank you!


	22. Everything

**A/N:** The songs belong to Lifehouse and Mat Kearney.

I was running. I could hear the blood roaring in my ears and my heart thumping in my throat. My breath was coming out in short, irregular burst. It was pitch dark, the kind of darkness that makes you think you've gone blind, but I continued to run. Fear made me run faster; I must confess I wanted to be running away from the darkness.

But I had to find him.

I had to find him NOW!

**Find Me Here  
Speak To Me  
I want to feel you  
I need to hear you**

My hands were stretched out before me as I ran as fast as I could in the goddamned dark. Suddenly, my hands bumped against the cool solidarity of a rock wall that was stretched out before me. I ran my hand against the wall, stumbling towards my right, trying to find a way through. When I came up against a dead end, I walked towards the left, only hit a dead end again. Panic rose through me like the fizz when you shake a soda bottle hard.

I couldn't be boxed in.

There HAD to be another way through, I could hear his screams through the wall. I could sense his need to hold them back, to remain silent but I could sense his exhaustion. He was tethering on the edge of giving up and I had to get to him before he did. I hit my fists against the damned wall, scared, angry and frustrated. Only those words didn't come close to the magnitude of those feelings.

How in the world had they found us and more importantly captured us?  
Just as I was about to orb out, fully aware of how risky it was to orb without knowing where I would land up, I felt something wet against my feet.

My fear mounted.

I turned around, ready to run the way I had ended up here and finding another way around, only to run into another wall.

Fuck! I was boxed in!

I was barely breathing anymore, the rate at which my cheat rose and fell, I was sure that I was hyperventilating and my heart was beating so fast I was sure to go into cardiac arrest any second.

By the time I was about to get a hold of myself again, the liquid had already reached my stomach.

And this time, without giving it a second thought, I orbed. I felt the lightness as my body started to dissolve into shiny, bright lights. But something was wrong. Only my hands, upper torso and head were sparkling with white lights, the rest of me, the part that was submerged remained unaffected.

What the hell was happening here?

The rapidly rising liquid had reached my shoulders now.

And I could still hear him screaming. Jesus, he was screaming!

I tried orbing again, only this time it was just my head that was swathed in the lights.

The damned liquid! I didn't know what to do anymore and I could feel the liquid creeping up my neck. I opened my mouth to call for Kyle only to have the liquid enter my mouth. It was cold and tasted metallic, like fear. I slammed my mouth shut and shuddered at the creepy, cool feeling as the liquid entered my ears, tickle my nostrils as they filled up and finally envelop me completely. I shut my eyes, pointless as it was, considering the pitch darkness that surrounded me. My mind was in hyperdrive, the fear, sheer panic and desperation to get out of this hell was unbearable. Hell, I didn't realize when I stopped holding my breath, but ultimately the fact that I could breathe through the liquid sunk in eventually. Jeez, I wasn't going to die! I was in fucking limbo. Stuck, with no way to get out.

Finally, the overwhelming need to survive trumped all else and I resorted to the age old instinct took over; I opened my eyes and screamed, only to have the liquid absorb all sound. My fists slammed against the wall, again and again, trying to find a weak spot somewhere. The stone wall had somehow turned to glass and I could see everything around me. It was still dark, but I could still see.

And how I wished I couldn't.

There he was, still resisting. His dark head was bowed, body bound. Somehow he knew to lift his head and, through all that pain contorting his face, he smiled at me. That smile I loved so much.

I saw them circle him, hidden behind their dark cloaks, faces hidden under their hoods.

I saw his body writhe; arch against the binds that held his body in place, but there was nothing he or I could do to get away. Despite my struggles and his torture, our gazes were locked. And I knew the second the life left his body, his soul no longer shinning defiantly in his eyes.

NO!

"Lexie." I heard somebody call my name, but I ignored it. What was the point in being rescued now? He was gone.

Although my vision was getting blurry by the second, must be the tears, I could still see his tied up body, slumped against the restraints.

"No, please." I sobbed.

Suddenly I was on the ground, at his feet. What in the world was happening?

"Merlin, Lexie. You have to open your eyes." I felt hands on my shoulders and I felt myself being jerked upright.

That's when my eyes snapped open. For what seemed like minutes, I lay in my bed, eyes wide open and yet not seeing a single thing. Slowly my breathing returned to normal and the knowledge that I had been dreaming sunk in.

I felt someone's hand gently brush away my hair and wipe away the sweat that trickled down my temple. Or was that tears? I didn't know and I didn't care to find out either.

Finally, the red canopy of my bed came into focus. I unclenched my fists and took another deep breath.

"It was just a dream, love." The gentle voice assured me.

Nightmare, I thought.

"You are safe. It never happened." Black covered my vision again and I tensed up, ready to fight. But when I felt the cool lips against my forehead, I sank deeper into my mattress.

"It never happened." He whispered the words against my forehead.

If only he knew.

"Lexie, love? You're with me, yes?" His hand felt cool against my overheated cheek and I turned my head to lean further into his caress and look at him.

There sat Sirius, on the edge of my bed. The sun was shinning through the window behind me, lighting up his face, accentuating the planes and angles of his features; his perfect lips, those sharp cheekbones, that high forehead and regal nose. And his eyes. In this light, his eyes looked silver, shimmering like diamonds. God, just looking at him made me feel calm and yet I could feel my heart speed up a bit. He was dressed in muggle clothing; a navy blue t-shirt and jeans. Worry lined his face and I think I saw some fear in those diamond eyes.

"Sirius."

**You are the light  
That's leading me  
To the place  
where I find peace, again.**

"I'm right here, love." Jeez, his voice resonated with strength and a quality that made my tensed up muscles relax.

I watched him as he leaned over to my night table, pick up the glass of water that sat there and gave it to me. I sipped at the water and then placed it back on the table.

"How in the world did you get into my dorm?"

He tried to grin, I could tell. But the worry took over before the grin could settle. He did manage a droll, "And a good morning to you too, love."

It was a struggle but I managed to sit up, with no help from Sirius. To his credit, he did try to help but at my glare he backed off, hands help up in surrender.

It was embarrassing enough that I'd had that nightmare again, let alone have Sirius witness me experience it. Add to that the fact that I almost certainly had mumbled something weird in my sleep and that I was drenched in sweat, I didn't need him thinking I was just as pathetic in my sleep as I was awake. In the past week this was my second melt down in front of him, and I'd had enough. Once I had managed to prop up my pillow and lean back, I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I couldn't bring myself to meet his gaze, so I resorted to try and smoothen out my wrinkled quilt.

His hands settled on my nervous ones and gripped them tight.

"Lexie, look up." Though his voice was still just as soft as before, there was now present an all too evident thread of underlying steel.

"Don't make me do it for you, love. Look up."

I did just that. And I met his gaze squarely.

I don't know what he saw there but there was a sudden softness in his eyes as he whispered more to himself than to me, "Ah, love." He shook his head, "We all have nightmares. It's nothing you should be ashamed of."

"And here I thought I was the telepath." I was deflecting and I knew it.

But he saw right through me. "It has nothing to do with mind reading as much as it does to do with understanding you and wanting to know you better."

Ah, Jesus. How could words, mere words, affect you in such profound ways? "I don't understand myself, Sirius. And trust me, the better you know me, the further it'll make you run."

Sirius moved closer, bringing with him delicious heat and that signature scent of his. "I don't know what it is that makes you so skeptical of yourself. Hell, Lexie, it seems that on most days you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. The girl I see, underneath it all, is beautiful, intelligent and compassionate. And that temper of yours…" He smiled that half smile of his, "Merlin, it's like an undying fire that flares bright when stoked. And I'll be damned if I say that I don't enjoy throwing in the occasional log or two."

Before he could say anything else, I leaned over and wrapped my arms around his waist. My head rested right above his chest and hearing that heartbeat was a comfort. He was real and he was actually saying these things to me. His arms wrapped around me a second later and he pulled me closer. I guess he understood that while I appreciated his words, too much would only send me running. I'm telling you the guy has latent telepathic qualities.  
"Why did you come up here?" Maybe it was something important.

"Lily thought it was high time you got up. All of them are busy decorating the Hall and what not, so I decided to do the honours myself. Prongs almost knocked me out so that he could do it himself. Apparently making a trip down to the kitchens to ensure that the evening's dinner is well underway and help Susan sample the food isn't his idea of a good time."

I laughed at the image in my head. James in an apron and chef's hat, stirring away at a large cauldron of soup as Susan yelled instructions at him and the house elves ran about trying to please the two of them. Together they made the most unlikely of teams, as heads of the students, but somehow they made it work. And it was hilarious as hell to watch them work it out.

"You still didn't tell me how you got into the dorm. Aren't the steps supposed to disappear if a boy starts to climb them?"

I heard the rumble in his chest as he chuckled. He lowered his head till his lips brushed against my ear, "I know the password to circumvent that, love."

Xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-

As I stood under the hot shower the reality of the dream finally hit me. As much as Sirius' presence had helped to keep the thoughts at bay, now that I was alone, it finally hit me. I was surprised at the fact that I hadn't had this dream all of the time I'd been back at school this year. Even under the pressure of Grams' and Aunt Phoebe's abduction nonsense, this dream hadn't hit me. As a kid, I woke up most nights screaming, the remnants of this very dream still haunting me when my eyes opened and when I'd moved to Hogwarts the dream had followed. But not this year. And I kind of knew why I'd had this dream. It had everything to do with what Lily had said to me last night.

_You're not alone in what you feel, sweetie. And through all that anguish, you will learn that this is the best feeling in the world._

_What's this?_

_Why, love of course._

Love. The very thought of that word had shuddering even though I was standing under hot water. I was okay with Sirius calling me that because I knew it was just his way of referring to me, it's not like he meant it. But the thought that I could be falling in… that with him was scary. Because the idea of… hmm-ing Sirius and being hmm-ed by him was… inviting. That was the scariest part of it all. And I didn't want to think about it anymore.

Like I said, I knew why I'd had that dream. And quite honestly it had been a while since I'd thought about my dad, I admitted guiltily, and I sure as hell didn't want to think of him in his last moments. Yeah, that recurring nightmare was of my dad's death. Anyway, I didn't want to spend anymore time thinking about him, so as I shut off the water and stepped out, I started to reminisce about happier times we'd spent together. Honestly, I didn't remember much about those times because I'd been a kid then, so I had telepathically tapped into grams' few memories of seeing her granddaughter and son together and the whole bunch of them she had before he had moved to England.  
I did have her memory of my walking for the first time. She's been spending some time with us in England and one her last day of the trip fourteen month old me had walked towards him, my toothless smile wide and my chubby fists waving about with gladness to see my dad return from work. I had taken four wobbly steps before crushing back to earth on my diaper clad tushie. Through my grams' point of view, I saw the expression of shocked confusion on my face and then I saw my face contort into the beginnings of a crying fit. But before I could start I saw my dad swoop in and swing me up into his arms.

**You are the strength, that keeps me walking.  
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.  
**

"I'm so proud of you, honey." You could hear the delight in his voice. The love. And the pride. "Did the bad ground hurt your tushie?" He nodded the question at me in that exaggerated manner people reserved for children. My gaze was locked on my dad's face, the shock and confusion still evident. But slowly I nodded my head, imitating my father. At that he laughed loudly in delight and smacked a loud kiss on my cheek. "My little pixie." And once again I was waving about my chubby little fists. My dad laughed again and I giggled and shyly rested my head on his shoulder.

As the memory faded, I pulled up another one. This was a couple of years later; Dad, Grams and I were at the Golden Gate Park. There was a pigeon at the foot of a tree and I was in my dad's arms, reaching for the pigeon, "Coo. Coo." I kept repeating it. Apparently I couldn't say pigeon just yet. After several minutes of struggling to maintain a hold on me Dad said, "If you want me to take you closer you've got to be quiet, Pixie. Or Coo will fly away." I nodded vigourously, "Quiet. Shh."

Dad laughed, "That's my girl."

He took my closer, and I didn't know it then, but I'm sure he used his whitelighter calming mojo to keep the bird from getting scared and flying away. He held out his hand and eventually the bird flew and landed on his outstretched finger. Slowly, I saw him wrap one hand around the bird and then the other. Then he walked up to me, stood behind me and crouched down to my level. Leaning over my shoulder, he unwrapped one hand from around the bird, picked up mine and made me hold it in a grip similar to his. He did he same with my other hand. "Not so tight, princess." Finally, with my grip sure but gentle, I was holding 'Coo' in my own two hands. I could feel his fragile, light body, his heartbeat with my hands. "Daddy!" I squealed, lightly jumping up and down in excitement. Dad laughed as he reached around me, wrapped his hands around mine and then said, "Let go, Pixie." And together we launched the bird into the air. I laughed loudly and turned around and threw my arms around my dad and he gathered me in his arms and swung me round and round.

**You are the life, to my soul.  
You are my purpose, you're everything.**

I wish I could actually remember those moments, remember my dad. All I had was flashes of his smile, his hazel eyes and the way he'd call me 'pixie'. It seemed that the one thing I would always remember was the one thing I was dying to forget. I shook my head and reached for my clothes, refusing to relive the dream. I choose to go with black jeans and a grey knit blouse with scalloped trim on the sleeves and neckline and ribbing at the bottom. I had to hunt for them but I finally found my black ballet flats at the bottom of my trunk. I pulled my hair back into my regular ponytail and dabbed my lips with some chapstick before grabbing my coat from the hook and then I stepped out of the dorm and shut the door behind me.

When I walked into the common room, I saw him immediately. He'd pulled on a black sweater over his t-shirt and he was sitting on the window seat, looking out the window. This moment, had this been a cheap romance novel, yes I've read those, would be described as 'it just came over her and she had no control over her actions' or 'auto-pilot kicked in' had this been a whacky sci-fi novel. I don't know really, all I know is that looking at him stare out a window made me breathless, well it definitely wasn't the walk across the room. He saw me coming, his eyes lit up. Before he could say anything, I leaned over and kissed him.

**And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?  
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?**

It was meant to be a little, thank you for being there today morning kinda deal, but then he took over and things… escalated. His hands were on my waist, holding me against him and mine rested on his shoulders. It was all about his lips and mine and pounding hearts and the calm around us. It was perfect. It was like braving a tornado only to realize that at the centre of it lay the real calm. Mindful of our surroundings, he broke the kiss.

"Not that I'm complaining, but was there a reason for that?" He stole a quick kiss before I could reply.

"Just a little 'thank you' thrown in with a 'I'm glad to see you', I guess." Just for the fun of it, I winked.

"I'm glad too, love. Oh, before I forget. I need to know what colour your dress is."

I felt my eyebrow furrow in confusion. "Why?"

He shrugged, "I want to know."

"Are you going to wear the same coloured robes tonight?"

He actually snorted at that. "Hardly. It's just…" And for the first time since I'd met him, Sirius Black seemed embarrassed.

"Jesus, have our roles switched? Am I suddenly the shy one from now on?" How could I not tease him? His cheeks were the slightest bit red.

"Love, let's not get carried away, shall we?" Ooh, defensive too.

"Come on, tell me." I hoped I sounded supportive/curious and not teasing/curious.

"Well, if you must know, I would like to know what my date is wearing tonight. Usually the girl excited enough that she can't stop talking about the dance and prattling on about her dress. But as the guys can't stop pointing out, you're not like those girls and I'm not complaining, but I would like to know a few things even if it is to get James and Frank to shut the hell up."

And in that moment, I liked him even more than I did before.

"I'll tell you what, I'll make it even better for you. I am going to show you what colour it is. If you'll let me."

"You're going to put it on for me now? I could, as you Americans say, get on board what that idea."

I smacked him on the shoulder, "Weirdo, no. I could show you telepathically. That way you'll see the colour for what it really is… and I guess it's more fun that way."

"Will it hurt?" And I knew why he was asking. I tried not to think about the time I'd accidentally used telepathy on him a couple of nights back.

"Nope. You just have to let your guard down a bit and I'll do the rest."

"Alright." He took a deep breath, "I'm ready."

"Hold still." I lifted my left hand and touched his temple. Closing my eyes, I concentrated on our physical connection and let everything else fade away to the background. Touching him helped my concentration and, it's hard to explain how it happened, but I was in.

_Hey. _ I whispered inside his head.

_Welcome, love. _

I had to really focus on keeping his conscious from melting into mine which would basically bombard his mind with all my memories, the burden of my abilities and basically everything that made me me. It worked the other way round for him too. I took a moment to enjoy actually being inside Sirius' head and for a minute, we were actually in sync. Our hearts beat as one, our breathing was coordinated, our minds were aligned and I could feel the confidence and his feelings for me clearly as if they were my own.

Slowly, I pictured the colour of the dress, not thinking about it entirely because I didn't want to give the whole show away, and projected that image through our physical link.

_See it?_ I asked.

_It's so blue._

_No shit, Sherlock. _The thought formed before I could do anything to stop it. _I mean, yes, it is blue. _

I could sense his laugh, _It's okay love, I get it. _

_Lily seems to think it matches my eyes._

_You don't agree?_

_I don't know, I guess, maybe. _

_Well, I don't think so either. The blue seems to have a bit of green in there too, whereas your eyes are just blue._

_Just blue, ha? Makes sense. _

_Pure, unadulterated blue. Better?_

I didn't know how I was supposed to respond to that. _Yes, well. That's about it. Alex out. _ With that I gently withdrew from his mind and opened my eyes only to realize that he'd been looking at me the whole time.

"That was…Merlin, Lexie, now that was magic." His eyes were shining with excitement.

I dropped my hand from his temple and tugged at his hand, trying to ignore his easy acceptance of my powers and how much he seemed to enjoy what he knew about them, "Come on! Lily will be sending out the bloodhounds anytime now."

"And Prongs will be leading the pack." I had to laugh out loud at that, how could I not?

Xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-xo-

**You calm the storms, and you give me rest.  
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall. **

The rest of the day went by in a blur and before I knew it, it was six forty five and I was standing before a mirror, nervously smoothening the skirt of my dress. It was the very dress I'd tried on that day. And I still loved it for all its simplicity. I was learning how to balance and walk about on the three inch shimmery dark blue pumps that Aunt Mel had given me. I wish I could say I hated them but they made me feel so tall that I couldn't help but love them. I'd straightened out my hair and it fell even more easily then before, so I decided to leave it unbound. Only the front part of my hair was pulled back in a lace braid.  
Lily and Mandy had insisted, and I hadn't really fought them on it either, that I let them apply some make up on me. After a stern warning of 'not too much', I'd surrendered myself into their capable care. Twenty minutes later and a whole bunch of cursing my dark circles, I opened my eyes to see a whole different me. Well, not really, cause it was just me, only I was so much… prettier. They'd applied this subtle combination of black, blue and silver eye makeup that made me eyes shine like lasers. To balance my eyes, they'd simply coated my lips with nude, shiny gloss. My cheeks were already pink with a mixture of anticipation, excitement and nervousness. I stared at myself, just so shocked at what a little bit of coloured powder could do a transform a person. I looked up and met Lily's gaze in the mirror and grinned. Jesus, she looked gorgeous. That gold, bronze and silver metallic dress she'd picked fit her like so perfectly. She pulled back her hair into a straight, sleek ponytail. Her makeup was a mixture of bronze, copper and gold. Long, gold earrings dangled from her ears and her bronze heels made her legs seem miles long.

Alice looked hot. That shiny black dress could have looked obscene on anyone else, but she made it work and how! It fit her like a glove and I must admit, she had a pretty back. And I never thought people could have pretty backs, but she did. Her short blonde hair was done up in waves and she had the whole smoky eyes thing going for her. Her heels were black and had similar black sequins as her dress. When she saw me looking at her, she winked at me. I laughed.

Mandy, on the other hand made you just want to sigh every time you looked at her. That dress made her look like a princess. That light pink strapless gown with a draped sweetheart neckline and bodice made her shoulders seem to petite and her waist so tiny, so perfect. And then the dress just fell to her feet, swishing and rustling as she moved. She'd pulled her strawberry blonde hair up in a twist and woven some pearls through strand of her hair. She was wearing simple pearl studs in her ears and very light, very basic makeup.

"It's almost seven, let's get going. I don't want to have to hear about how girls are late all the time." Lily announced after checking her reflection in the mirror for the last time. I didn't know what she was so worried about, she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. I opened my mouth to tell her that but there was a soft knock on the door and instead called out, "Come in."  
The door opened slowly and Jenna tentatively stuck her head in. "Hi." There was a certain amount of apprehension in her voice. I saw Lily, Alice and Mandy turn their heads in my direction from the corner of my eyes. "It's all cool, Jenna. You can come in." I told her.

I saw most of the tension leave her face and she pushed the door further open and entered. I saw her gaze sweep across Alice, Mandy and Lily. "Wow, you all look so pretty." I smiled at the awe in her voice, they did look beautiful. I turned around to look for my perfume, "Alex, I think you look the best." The hesitation and the timidity made it nearly impossible for me to hear what she'd said. I turned around and smiled, I could tell she wasn't just saying this to win my favour; the honestly sparkled in her eyes for all to see. "Thank you Jenna. Considering how the others look, I'll take it as the highest compliment."

"And we'll try not to feel bad about ourselves." Alice winked at Jenna.

"Oh! I almost forgot. James wants Alex to go and meet the band. He said they were asking for her." I had asked a band from back home to perform for us. Something Relevant was a very popular band in the Bay Area and they regularly played at P3. The plus point was that even though they were mortals, they knew all about magic. When James had expressed the desire to want muggle music to play at the dance I'd volunteered to get a band.

"We'll all go. There's no point in waiting around anyway." Lily looked around the room to make sure she had everything she needed.

Everyone got up and made their way to the door and suddenly I was nervous. My stomach went completely light and my legs started to tingle. Suddenly all I wanted to do was take off my clothes, scrub my face clean and get into bed.

"Alex, aren't you coming?" As I focused on my surroundings, I noticed that everyone had left and it was just me and Lily, who was standing at the door with a curious expression on her face.

"I think I'd rather stay up here."

She didn't say anything and she didn't have to. I saw the look flash in her eyes before she could mask it. "You're right, this is crazy." I took a deep breath and crossed the room, "Let's just get this over with."

We climbed down in silence. Lily walked through the open doors and into the common room. Usually the doors that led up to the dorms were shut but tonight they were left wide open making it possible for people to see the person who was climbing down the stairs. I think I was way beyond the realm of nervous and deep into nausea. I stopped. I took several deep breaths to calm myself. But I just was so nervous. What if he didn't like the way I looked? What if I tripped on these ridiculously high shoes and fell? What if everyone laughed at me? What if… I closed my eyes wishing they'd make their way to the Great Hall. But they didn't. They were standing right outside the doors and I could hear everything that was happening. I heard James greet Lily at the door. I think they were standing a little away from the group, in want for some privacy, but I heard James' soft, "You look beautiful, love." It was a simple statement but the familiarity and intimacy in those words conveyed everything else that couldn't be said. The rest of them were laughing about something. I wanted to take a quick peek before I walked in, but I decided against it. I wasn't that much of a bloody coward. Taking another deep breath and straightening my shoulders, I walked through the doors and into the common room.

The first thing I heard was a low whistle. But I decided to ignore James for a while. I looked around and it took my a couple of seconds but I found him.

**You still my heart, and you take my breath away.  
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?**

He was standing next to Remus, in a pair of dress robes, with his hands in his pockets. The robes weren't that different from his regular uniform, other than the fact that they were made from much finer cloth and they were a shade of a very dark grey. He'd combed back his hair, accentuating his sharp features and clear grey eyes. He looked younger somehow, there was something in his eyes and they way his expression was set. Jesus, that was a full blown smile on his face. It was a half smile, but it was a smile and it was stunning. I automatically smiled back. When he saw me come through the doors, his moved his hands from his pocket and walked towards me.

"Hello, love."

In a sudden burst of shyness, I raised my hand to ruffle my bangs, to ensure that they were there. But they weren't. They were pulled back in the damned braid.

"Want to hide again?"

I punched him in the arm half heartedly, "Leave me alone." I muttered.

"If only you weren't looking like that love, it might be easier still."

That sentence drew my attention from my ring and I looked up at him. His smile was reassuring and his kiss on my forehead helped me ground myself.

"Merlin, Alex. You look beautiful." James actually sounded like he meant it.

I turned to face him, "You clean up pretty well yourself." And he did. He looked handsome in his navy blue dress robes. But not half as good as Sirius.

"She does, doesn't she?" Alice said from Frank's side. "You should have seen her in the dorm, constantly fidgeting and looking in the mirror."

I brought my hand to my forehead, "Alice. I don't think they really wanted to know that." I mumbled, feeling my face start to heat up.

Mandy laughed, "She looked so worried. And I have never seen her worried, not even before our OWLS."

I rolled my eyes and rubbed the back of my neck, "Are you guys done embarrassing me?"

"Don't pay attention to them. But it is true, you look beautiful tonight." Remus smiled kindly at me.

"Wasn't I supposed to go meet the band?" I asked as I felt my stomach go taut with nervousness. "Let's go."

"Let's. If Alex gets any redder I'm afraid she'll stay that way." Lily laughed. As did the rest of them jerks.

I rubbed my neck once again and started to follow them out when an arm snaked around my waist and pulled me back, flush against a body.

"Wait a moment, love." His voice whispered in my ear.

He turned me around to face him and took out a box from his pocket.

"I have something for you." As he said that, he opened the box.

I couldn't help but let out a gasp. Inside the box was a lovely delicate silver chain with an oval shaped blue coloured pendant set in silver. The setting seemed antique and I knew that this wasn't something that could be bought in Hogsmeade. I brought up a hand to touch it but at the last moment I decided not too, afraid I might do something to mar its perfection.

"Go ahead, love. Touch it." He encouraged me.

But I just couldn't bring myself to touch it. So, after letting out a solitary chuckle, he took the necklace from the box, placed the box aside and turned me around so he could put it on. After he had fastened the clasp, he bent down and kissed the area where my neck and shoulder meet. I couldn't help but lean back into him and he willing encircled his arms around my waist. Even with my heels there was a huge height difference between us, so he could easily rest his chin upon my head.

"It's too much and unnecessary." I said.

He didn't reply.

So I lightly pinched his hand, "Sirius."

"I heard you the first time." He said lazily.

"I hate it when you don't respond." I said.

"Hmm." He responded.

I laughed lightly, "Seriously. It's too much. Take it back."

His arms tightened. "It's a late birthday gift, love. The only reason I'll take it back is if you don't like it." He kissed my head and moved back and suddenly I was all cold.

"In that case, thank you." And I reached up to kiss him. "I love it."

**And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?  
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?  
**

The Great Hall was decorated beautifully. The heads and prefects had done a great job. The house tables were no where to be seen and finally I got to see just how huge the hall really was. There was a stage set up near the teachers table and the band was warming up with some mellow tunes. Small dinner tables had been set up along the walls leaving the clear space in the centre as the default dance floor. Silver and purple was the theme for the night. The table cloths were a deep purple with lighter shades hanging off the ceilings and walls. Silver tinsel and fairy lights were wound around pillars and thousands of candles floated near the general area of the ceiling of the hall.

"Jeez, it's beautiful." I whispered.

But even the beautiful Great Hall couldn't distract me from the fact that the moment Sirius and I had entered the Hall, everyone had turned to look at us, including the teachers. I felt my face heat up and I realized that sometime during our walk to the Hall, Sirius' arm had fallen from my waist and grasped my left hand. I stopped walking and turned to talk to Sirius, "I'm going to go and say hello to the band."

"I'll be over there with the group." I turned around to walk towards the stage but I stopped when I felt his hand at my elbow. I looked at him questioningly and he leaned over and kissed my forehead. "You look beautiful and I'm lucky you're here with me today, love. Don't ever forget that." And then he was gone.

**And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?  
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?  
**

I floated to the other side of the room and I couldn't stop the wide smile that crossed my face at the familiar sight of Something Relevant warming up. Jake, their lead singer waved me over. "Someone's looking hot tonight."

"I thought you were going to see a shrink about those narcissistic tendencies of yours." I told him as we hugged.

"I'll be damned if I said that I didn't miss you when you're holed up here for months, Alex." Jake pulled away to give me a thorough once over. "Don't think I didn't see you walk in with that boy. And don't think that I'm not telling Piper the minute she gets back from her vacation." The mention of Grams sent a twinge of guilt through me but I tamped down that feeling.

"It will do you well if you keep your mouth shut and your eyes on your own business, Jacob Marley."

Jake winced as I reminded him of his full name. I don't think he was even going to forgive his parents for naming him after the doomed business partner of Ebenezer Scrooge. Jake was twenty three years old and had graduated from the San Francisco Art Institute. He had the sunny California looks; blonde, blue eyed and tanned and thanks to his amazing voice and plethora of charm, he had quite the groupie following.

"Lookie lookie, Lexie." Ezra Howe, the brown haired brown eyed saxophone player leaned in for a hug. After that was Mark Schwarz, the lead guitarist, Jack Travis, the keyboard player, Jessica Travis, Jack's sister and their bass guitarist and Robert 'babe' Jones, their drummer. When the rest of them went back to tuning their instruments and checking on the sound, Ezra stayed back with me. "You look different tonight, Alex."

"I know right." I knew it! I shouldn't have let them apply all that make up on me. And the dress… it was too blue. I should have gone with something else.

"No, I don't think you understand what I'm saying. You really do look beautiful tonight but there's something different. There's something different in your eyes, something lighter. And I think its' got something to do with that guy you entered with. I saw the way you looked at him." I started to say something but he hurried on. "And I just like the way he's looking at you right now."

I looked up at Ezra and I saw him nod in Sirius' direction.

"I think I might like him." I admitted out loud.

**Cause you're all I want, you're all I need  
You're everything, everything  
You're all I want, you're all I need  
You're everything, everything.  
**

"It might not be as bad as you think it is." Before I could say anything, Jake called out to Ezra, the band was ready to start. "Be happy, okay." Ezra told me and then went up on stage to join the others. As soon enough the opening bars of 'Big as the sky' started to play.

As I walked around, looking for Sirius, Angelica brushed past me in a mint green satin dress with thin spaghetti straps that hugged her figure. She looked great. "Enjoy it while it lasts, Perry." She muttered and disappeared into the crowd. I still couldn't find Sirius although I everyone I was friends with were right there, I didn't want to go up to them. Not tonight. Tonight, it was just about Sirius and me and I didn't want to mingle or talk to my roommates and their dates or my teammates or anyone else. Sure, that would make my evening severely limited, but I didn't care.

I was starting to see the major flaw in that plan, considering I couldn't find Sirius and just when I thought I was going to have to resort to drastic measures to find him I felt him approach from behind. I don't know how or why, but I knew it was him.

"Miss me?" I had to close my eyes and swallow really hard. He wasn't even touching me, but I could feel him. His breath was hot on my ear. His body was close enough that I could feel his heat. I really hated myself and how I felt every single time I was around him.

"You wish." I replied.

"So love, you ready for some dancing?" He asked me, his eyes shinning with excitement.

I mock sighed, "Well I guess I have to, don't I?"

"Have I told you how much I love your enthusiasm?" And then he led me out to the dance floor.

And how the time passed, I had no idea. We must have danced, at least for two hours straight. The band was on fire tonight and the combination of really good music and the general excitement of the dance, ensured that the dance floor was packed. I'd always enjoyed dancing and so I was generally having a great time. I danced with James, Remus and Frank. Hell, I even danced a few bars with Peter. And then finally the band decided it was time for the slow songs. As a soft tune filled the room, Sirius held up his arms and went to him willingly. He wrapped his arms around me as his hands rested on my lower back. One of my arms was around his neck and my left hand rested just above his heart. I leaned my head against his chest, closed my eyes and let him take over completely. Dancing didn't matter anymore as I listened to his heartbeat and felt safer in his arms than I had ever before in my life.

"This feels good." I whispered.

"Really good." Sirius agreed.

We swayed softly to the music and I finally realized what song was playing. It was Mat Kearney's All I need. I loved that song.

_Guess we both know we're in over our heads_

As I looked into his eyes, I couldn't help but be a little scared and nervous. I really didn't want to fall for him. Sure I was intrigued by him. But he was complicated, just like me. I didn't need anymore complications. I honestly didn't need to the added troubles but I just couldn't stay away from him.

_Maybe it's all going black, but you're all I see_

I didn't care that almost every conversation of ours ended in a fight, I didn't care that the whole school would be talking behind our backs. I didn't even care that I wasn't being completely honest with him. In that moment, nothing else mattered. Nothing but the fact that it was him and me. His heartbeat was strong, confident and constant. Just like him. Just as comforting. Just as real.

_Holding onto you, holding onto me  
__Baby it's all we've got, but it's all I need  
__You're all I need_

Suddenly I was scared again, and I think he felt it in my body because he shifted, slightly, but enough for me to raise my head and look at him. He raised a hand to me face, his finger tracing my cheek bone lightly. Instinctively I moved closer and he dipped his head. His lips brushed mine lightly and I forgot about everything else.

_And if all we've got is what no one can break  
__I know l love you, if that's all we can take._

**You're all I want, you're all I need.  
You're everything, everything**

**A/N: ** Once again, I'm really sorry for the delay. My exams are driving me crazy, but I'll be done this Saturday and then surely the updates will be more regular.

I hope you enjoyed this once.


	23. Make this go on forever

**Disclaimer:** This song belongs be Snow Patrol and the characters you recognize are J.K. Rowlings.

I could hear the clock ticking away. Through all the murmuring and whispering and swishing of wands around me. I stared at my desk, at the bowl of vinegar that absolutely refused to turn into wine, with a mixture of frustration and hopelessness.

**Please don't let this turn into something it's not  
I can only give you everything I've got**

All I had managed to do to it so far was make it turn a murky grey that would shimmer for a second or two and transform back to the transparent liquid that I was starting to loathe. Most people thought that I was bad at charms because it was the purest and most theoretical of all the subjects taught at Hogwarts when the truth was that I hated charms and hence I was so bad at it. I still hadn't been able to let go of some of the prejudices that I associated with magic as a kid and turning vinegar into wine with its biblical connotation pissed me off more than it should have. Cheering charms and levitation charms and what not just… didn't seem right to me.

I was spared further thoughts on the morality of Charms as a subject when the bell rang. With a swish of my wand, the bowl was empty, the vinegar disappeared and considering my books had been packed away, safe from any and all possible danger, I grabbed my bag, ready to rush out. Around me everyone else was caught in the same flurry of activity so when Flitwick waved his wand and locked the door shut, we all froze mid action.  
"Next class whoever cannot turn the vinegar into wine will face an extra class after school on Friday." I joined in the chorus of the ever popular song, 'groan.' "Oh and Ms. Perry, do keep in mind that you will be given no special treatment." Uncaring about the embarrassment he just caused me with that special little jab, he unlocked the door and we all rushed out.

"You know it's a shocker that we hold that hell of a class in a normal classroom and trudge down to the dungeons for Potions. It should be the other way around and Flitwick should be dressed in black leather and carry a large whip and crack it every couple of minutes. Then he'd be totally in character." I muttered the second Lily fell in step with me.  
"Now there's a disturbing mental image, Alex." Lily shook her head and laughed.  
"What is?" James asked as he fell in step next to Lily.

I was always surprised when I saw him join us after classes. A couple of months back I thought he was simply doing this because their relationship was new and he just wanted to show her that he really liked her. A couple of years back I thought that he did it just to annoy her. But now I finally got it, it was because he just wanted to be around her. And he wasn't embarrassed or shy about the fact that he wanted to spend as much time with her as he possibly could. And Lily, used to it as she was, was so in tune with him that she didn't even need to say hello to him or anything. She simply slipped her hand into his. In a way it didn't matter where they were or with whom they were, they always were in sync. It was very scary and sort of nice at the same time.

"Flitwick as a dominatrix." Lily replied flippantly and James choked on his spit.

"Merlin, Alex. I wouldn't ever want to be in your head." James shuddered.

_~Forty five minutes later~_

"Although, now that you mention it, I can picture Flitwick in leather thigh high boots."  
This time I choked. On the soup I was eating.

"James, I thought this subject was done and over with." I said after I'd dabbed my mouth with a napkin.

"No, honestly. Think about it." He waved his fork at me.

"I'd rather not." Remus and I replied together. James ignored us and continued. "A patent leather cat suit with …"

"Prongs, mate, I beg you, stop." Sirius interjected from his spot next to me, once again the voice of reason to James' lunacy.

"It's not my idea you know, Padfoot. Your girlfriend was the one who planted the seed in my head."

"A: I did no such thing. All I said was Flitwick would better suit the role of a dungeon master than a teacher who is supposed to gift his students the gift of education and light. And two, I'm not his girlfriend." I hoped to hell I wasn't blushing.

"You're not?" James sounded genuinely confused. He looked at Sirius for help, "But I thought tha-aah!"

At everyone's confused look he mumbled, "Cramp." But the look he shot Sirius, the one he thought was subtle and secretive, confirmed the fact that Sirius had definitely kicked him under the table.

"Thought what, James?" I really wanted to know. What in the world would make these people think that I was Sirius' girlfriend.

"Nothing." He mumbled, obviously afraid of another one of Sirius' well placed kicks. But evidently Alice wasn't facing similar adversities. "You did get a look at yourselves on the night of the dance, didn't you?"

Evidently, I hadn't. Because I didn't seem to see her point.

"Enough." Sirius said softly from besides me.

Alice didn't seem to hear the warning in his voice that, to me, rang out so clearly.

"The two of you were so…. comfortable with each other. So completely aware of each other, that everyone else melted away." I nervously shifted in my seat.

"Oh, even otherwise. You two are always shifting to accommodate the other better. It's like watching a dance. It's just that elegant and… well I wouldn't say entertaining cause it's not like that. You know there are some things that are happening right in front of you and you feel lucky that you could watch it unfold..? It's quite like that." Mandy added as everyone around her nodded in agreement. I saw Lily look at my uncertainly and Remus was looking at me with a thoughtful look in his eyes. I looked down at my half eaten bowl and soup and considered bolting. I didn't want to hear any of this.

"Please stop." Sirius spoke again.

And again he was ignored. "Also, Sirius says Alex is a really good snog." Peter yelped at James clipped his over the head for that comment. I barely even acknowledged it as I felt myself turn a deep red.

"I said stop." Sirius growled as he leaned over the table and finally drew everyone's complete and undivided attention towards himself. "Leave this the hell alone." Jeez, how could someone talk in such a voice and yet not sound mad. Just… commanding.

And then he smoothly got up and left.

I sat there feeling confused and helpless. Usually that would have been me. Defensive. Storming off. But here I was. Interested in what they had to say. Not entirely comfortable, but still. And to watch him walk away like that… it was scary in a way. Maybe he didn't want me for a girlfriend ever. And why should that make my chest hurt that way. I rubbed my fist over my heart, as if that would alleviate the pain. I didn't want this just as much as he seemed to… maybe even more. But then… why did it hurt this way.

"Alex." I felt someone take my hand. And I focused on the world once again. I found myself gazing into familiar amber eyes. "You need to go after him."

"But… I didn't do anything, did I?" I needed to get away to. Wrap my head around everything that was happening. Human emotions were too… befuddling.

**I can't be as sorry as you think I should****  
****But I still love you more than anyone else could**

I saw Lily open her mouth, no doubt to explain it to but I saw Remus shake his head at her. "You can't hold her hand through it all Lily." He turned back to me. "You have to figure this one out with Sirius and no one else."

"I agree with Moony." James said. "I admit that I shouldn't have said what I said, but I can't take it back. And you'd have had to talk about it at some point anyway. Now's as good a time as any, I reckon."

"But, what if-" I started.

"Enough with the what ifs. You two are walking on egg shells around each other. Avoiding this and skimming over that. If you want a shot at this, then you've got to talk Alex. And he can't always initiate it and neither can he be expected to just walk away another time. And if you want out of whatever it is that is between the two of you then just tell him that and put him out of his misery."

"Now look here, this is-"

"…None of my business? James asked. "Well let me correct you there. It is my business. Are you telling me that if something was happening between Lily and me then you wouldn't hunt me down and read me the riot act?" I had. On several different occasions over the years. But he was too nice to mention that.

"I don't know what he wants or expects. But I do know that he cares and you're pushing him to his limit. And no, he didn't say that. And he won't let anyone else say it either. Quite the contrary, he can't seem to stand a single word being spoken against you. But I know him and I can see what it's doing to him."

I sat there for a couple of minutes. If I went, I knew I wouldn't have the guts to end… whatever it was between us. I'd do and say anything to ensure just the opposite happened. But the fact of the matter was that I could never be completely honest with him. It might be okay for him now, but there would come a day when it would not be enough for him. And then where would I be. You'd think that I'd find someone else, someone I could be completely honest with and be happy too. But the fact of the matter was that I'd never wanted to tell someone the truth more than I wanted to with Sirius. I had never wanted to be with someone before Sirius. I know I was only sixteen, but I'd seen people around me in relationships and every single time I saw them, I thought to myself just how lucky I was to not be one of those people. And I always imagined I'd enjoy being by myself. But with him, it was different. Whenever he wasn't around, I'd feel… restless and I wouldn't even realize what it was till he'd come around and a certain lightness would wash over me. I felt centered and grounded around him. And I trusted him.

I stood up ready to head out and find him when I realized that Lily was standing too. "You don't have to do this if you don't want to."

"Lily…" James started but she ignored him.

"It's up to you. And just so you know, whatever you decide, I support it."

"How can you-" James tried to ask.

"I just can. The way you and Remus stand up for Sirius, I'm here for Alex. Always. It would do you all well to remember that." I had never loved Lily more than I did in that moment.

I smiled crookedly. "Thanks." And then I turned around and walked out of the Great Hall.

**All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight**

**Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right**

As I stepped on to the school grounds I was grateful that I had stopped by the dorm after classes to change into a grey oversized sweater, woolen leggings and boots. The school uniform would have been useless against the cold. I slipped my hands into the pockets of my sweater, wishing I had my gloves, hat and coat with me but I didn't want to spend time going up to the dorm and then heading back down to look for Sirius. I decided against using telepathy to find him too… I needed to be strong enough to talk to him and not be in a near catatonic state again. There was no one outside, no one had been outside in a while it seemed as the snow was undisturbed. I guess everyone preferred to remain within the castle and close to the dry heat and cozy comfort of the common rooms and dorms.

It was cold enough that I could see my breath and I had to keep shifting from one foot to another to maintain some kind of body heat. I tried to think of where he could be- the viewing deck along the Great Lake, beneath the marauders favourite tree…? Hell, for all I knew he was back in the castle, maybe in his dorm or even the astronomy tower. Maybe he just really wanted to be alone. I knew that when I walked away it was because I wanted to be by myself. That I needed to think or maybe something just not think at all.

Deciding to give Sirius some time with himself, I headed towards the Quidditch stands, in need to sort things out myself. I had run out of the Great Hall prepared to find Sirius and talk to him. But what was I to talk to him about? What was there to say? I couldn't tell him the truth, I didn't really want to tell him the truth… Well, in a way I did but logic and reason demanded I keep my damned mouth shut.

I walked onto the pitch and headed for the Gryffindor stand. The wind was crisp and cold, but comforting in a way. I made my way to the highest bleacher and sat down. Everything from up here seemed small, so peaceful, untouched. The Forbidden Forest didn't look quite so forbidden, the Whomping Willow seemed like an ordinary tree, the castle looked like any other castle and the sky with it's shades of deep violet and purple and navy blue with a hint of orange looked so… inviting. I felt something cold land on the tip of my nose and then my cheeks and forehead. I looked up to see that it had started to snow. I remember the first Christmas in San Francisco had been so confusing because up until that point Christmas and snow had been synonymous. But Grams and Aunt Phoebe always made sure that I'd have a great Christmas and slowly the snow stopped being a priority. But I couldn't deny the magic of a white Christmas. That comfort of snuggling with Grams under a warm blanket and her steaming cup of cocoa and marshmallows and just watching the snow come down… the smell of cinnamon and chocolate and mint, the red and green and silver and gold colours all around… I stuck my hand out and watched as a snowflake landed on my palm and melted away. As a kid I had tried so hard to capture a snowflake but every single time I'd catch one it would melt. Then one day I'd suspended one in mid air with telekinesis and my dad had told me to let it go. That as witches we were supposed to respect nature and ensure the elemental balance and not upset it. Not without a reasonable cause. And certainly not on a whim.

**This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long****  
****Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong**

That's what my whole life had been about up till now. Balance and respect, responsibility and common sense. Nothing that I ever did was done on a whim, I thought about every step I was to take, every decision I was to make. It had turned me into such a control freak that I needed to know everything. I read the last chapter of books first, I researched movies before I watched them, I didn't like surprises and everything had to be meticulously planned out and have back up options. There was no concept of leave it to faith or spontaneity. It hadn't been till Sirius. With him I didn't think, I couldn't think because if I did then I would see just what a colossal mess this was going to end up as. But I didn't care because… I didn't know why. I all I knew was that I wanted to be around him in any way that he would have me. It was selfish and unfair but it felt so damned good. From that first moment when I gazed into his eyes at breakfast all those weeks ago. Fighting with him was… invigorating. Scintillating. Exciting. He treated me as an equal. For the first time in my life someone didn't treat me with reverence just because of my heritage or with disdain for my half-blood status or for any other reason. It was such an open and fresh feeling. I swear it was like I had been stagnating this whole while. Watching everyone around me be happy and take chances and fall in love and do what they wanted and essentially live a 'normal' life. Not an easy or an ecstatically happy life, but compared-to-my-freak-show-of-a-life normal, yeah. But then somehow he made me feel normal. He made me worry about things every girl obsesses about when she's around the guy she likes- my appearance, my personality and I would think about everything I said, careful to make sure I sounded intelligent but spontaneous- I didn't want him thinking that I wasn't witty or something. I would get butterflies in my stomach if I knew I would be entering a room where he was and it only got worse when he was there and if he wasn't then the butterflies would solidify into a huge ball of disappointment in my stomach. And then as we got closer, the talking, the kissing, hell the simple act of sitting next to him at meals- they left me feeling… whole for the first time since I made friends with Lily. He made me want to connect with Remus and James, Mandy, Frank and Alice. When I thought about the small changes he was bringing in me, I felt warm and happy. And I needed to tell him that, right now.

**The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could****  
****First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything****  
****The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned****  
****The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love**

Well that was on the inside, because at the moment I felt more like a block of frozen meat. I stood up, ready to head back inside and stand vigil outside the boys' dorm till Sirius got back and then try and figure out what tonight had been about. I turned around and that when I saw it, a shadow on the far end of the very bleacher I was sitting on. Automatically my hands rose up, ready to use whatever power necessary, and then the shadow spoke. "There's no need love, it's just me."

And I immediately relaxed. "Jesus, you scared me."

I saw the outline of his shoulders rise and fall as he shrugged, "I didn't mean to. What are you doing out here?"

"I came out looking for you. But then I figured maybe you wanted to be alone so I was heading back in to wait for you when you got back." Suddenly, I was nervous again. Anxiety and the cold made me shiver.

"You're cold. Come here." God, that's how the snake must have sounded like when he invited Eve to take a bite out of the apple.

"Why don't we just head back in, Sirius?" I swallowed.

"Are you scared?"

"Yes." I decided to answer honestly, for once.

"Of me?"

"No." I shook my head.

"Then come here."

That's all the convincing I needed. I walked to him. The closer I got, the clearer I could see him. He was sitting on the corner-most seat with his back to the wall and his legs were spread out before him on the bleacher. He had conjured up a blanket for himself and it was wrapped around him. I finally stood before him, unsure of where to sit when he dropped his right leg to the floor and patted at the space that had been created. He expected me to sit between his legs, with my back against his chest. Just the thought of sitting so close would have had me breaking into a nervous sweat had my sweat glands been able to manage it.

"Can't we just head back in?" I asked again.

He looked up at me and considering how close we were, I finally saw it. The anger glittering in his eyes. That's when I realized that it had been a test. He knew I wasn't going to voluntarily allow such an intimacy between us. But he had hoped that I would have, anyway.

**We have got through so much worse than this before****  
****What's so different this time that you can't ignore**

He leaned forward to rest his elbow on his right leg and looked up at me, "Let me ask you something, Alex. Do you even like me?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, folding my arms around my middle.

"You know what I mean. I thought I had made it perfectly clear that I like you. That I care about you. I've said it on more than one occasion and yet every chance you get you're walking away or standing at the edge and I feel like I'm dragging you along with me."

"You're not. I want to be here." Again, I wasn't lying.

But he didn't say anything, he didn't even move and yet I could tell that he had rejected my answer.

"I really do, Sirius."

"Then why don't I believe it. There are times when you look at me that I think that maybe you do care, but most of the time…" He ran his hands through his hair agitatedly. "I'm not the kind of bloke who has to chase after girls, you know. I don't mean to sound like a prat, but Merlin knows it is the truth. In the beginning, I thought that maybe you were shy or being cautious, but now…" He shook his head. "You had more fire in your eyes, Lexie, when you hated me. Now all I see is fear and I don't want to do that to you."

Just the thought of not being around him was enough to send me into a panic.

**You say it is much more than just my last mistake****  
****And we should spend some time apart for both our sakes**

I knelt down in front him, resting my hands on his knee. "I'm not scared of you. I'm scared of a lot of things, I'll admit to that. The world is a scary place and there a thousand things a day that can go wrong… But I am not scared of you."

"But you're scared of what we are, of what we can be." I decided to remain silent. "I feel like a perfect arse, what with everything that's happening with your grandmothers and that bastard Stone and even Jenna. But then I see you smile and laugh for James and Remus, Lily, Alice and hell, even my brother and I then I start doubting myself. And I do not like that feeling."

"I thought that maybe if I didn't talk about it, then thing would remain okay."  
"Not talking about something doesn't mean it's not real. You can close your eyes but the world will still pass you by, Lexie." He lifted his hand and caressed my cheek. "I know there's a lot that you're not telling us and it does make me angry. But I also understand why you need to keep your distance." He lifted his other hand and cupped my other cheek and looked so intently into my eyes and instinctively I threw up stronger mental blocks so that he wouldn't be able to read my mind. "On some days I feel like a masochist and on the other I feel like I know you. Yes, I might not know much about you but I still know YOU. I know you're loyal, to a fault and you like to put up a front that you'll only go that distance for someone you care, but I know you would do it for just about anyone. I know you don't like to explain yourself or be held accountable but it doesn't stop you from beating yourself up when your intentions are misunderstood. And just so you know, your surliness and cold front are most certainly not fooling me." And just like that he leaned in till his nose was touching mine and I could feel his breath on my lips. "You're as un-surly and as warm as they come." And then he was kissing me.

"Un-surly, eh?" I teased when we parted for air.

"I was trying to make a point not appearing for a grammar test, alright?" The defensiveness in his voice made me laugh out loud.

"Whatever you say, love." So sue me, I enjoyed making fun of him.

He made an half hearted angry sound in his throat and leaned over to kiss me, again. "Sirius, wait." I couldn't believe it myself, but I ducked at the last second. "Don't you feel like we're going around in circles?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Not till you just mentioned it. This is the first time we've acknowledged, well anything between us so for now, that's enough for me."

"But…" I started.

"But what?"

"Don't you-"

"Lexie, I want you to tell me what on your mind and not presume you know what's on mine. Unless you've been using your telepathy on me."

"Never." I answered without a single moment's hesitation.

"Lexie, do you like me?"

"Well, sure-"

"If you put me on par with James and Remus, I'm afraid I might get violent." That wry tone almost made me laugh out loud.

"I care about you Sirius. And I do like you. So much so that I don't care that it scares me."

**The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could****  
****First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything****  
****The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned****  
****The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love**

And that was the nicest way that I could put it. I closed my eyes to gather my thoughts and tell myself that talking to him about this wasn't embarrassing in any way and I didn't mean that I was weak either. When I opened my eyes again, I turned my head started to talk. "Look, I know that we're not like Lily or James you know, all share every single thought that passes through your head. Hell, we're not even like Alice and Frank. But that doesn't make any difference to me. I do not have a yard stick to measure this relationship, because the truth is that I have never wanted to be in this kind of relationship and so I've never been in one before. Up until now, I've been on the outside and looking in and it's seemed like you invest too much and you get crap in return. And in a way we're like that. You invest and I don't give even half of it back. And I don't mean to sound all… godlike when I say that the fact that I want this in the first place means a hell of a lot. It just means what it sounds like— that's it's the fact that its you that makes all the difference. I do care about you and if I could explain to you just how much I want this without expiring on the spot with embarrassment, then I would."

"Why would you be embarrassed?" He asked me gently, making no move to get me to look at him.

"Because I'm not used to showing weakness." I whispered. "Back from where I come, it's considered to be very dangerous."

That's when I felt his fingers at my chin and I turned my head to look into to his eyes. If only that comforting look in his eyes could actually fix everything.

**And I don't know where to look****  
****My words just break and melt****  
****Please just save me from this darkness**

His fingers moved from my chin to cup my cheeks, "I know a little about that, love. I was taught quite early that any weakness was to be hidden behind hauteur and a thin veneer of disdain for everything around you."

"So then you know." I whispered.

"Yes, love. I know." His voice was so gentle. "I also know this- emotions are no weakness. My love for James, Remus and Peter is what gives me strength. Their friendship is what kept me going when I had to go back to Grimmauld Place for the holidays and finally its what gave me the courage to leave that place for good. I love this place and everything that it represents. I love the solidarity of Gryffindor tower and most importantly, I love this thing between us. Surely, it's not like conventional relationships but you and I are as different as they come. We will set our own rules and go about this in our own way."

I had to kiss him for that. How could I not?

"Oh, and love?" He added, when we parted. "Don't even think you're not the one giving anything in this relationship. We're partners and that's how it'll always be. And as for your question, yes, this is enough." And then he uttered two words that shot a stream of cold fear through my veins. "For now."

"And when it stops being enough, what happens then?"

I looked deep into his eyes, silently pleading for that day to never come, for this to go on for as long as possible. I think he understood what I was thinking and I think I saw a flash of that same desperation in his eyes before steely determination took over. "I'll earn your trust before that happens." And my heart melted as guilt made my eyes sting. I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him close. "You already have it."

**And I don't know where to look****  
****My words just break and melt****  
****Please just save me from this darkness**

**A/N:** I am so, SO sorry for the amount of time it had taken me to put up an update. I hope this kind of makes up for it.

I'm really, really sorry.


	24. Break me out

**Disclaimer:** The song is by The Rescues.

The way the silver moonlight streamed through the open window and cast long shadows in the opposite wall was all I could think about. Correction: It was all I wanted to think about. Because if I stopped thinking about how the curtain blowing in the wind looked like a ghoul lurking outside my window and about the ominous look of the shadows that flashed on the opposite wall as a bat or some other creature flew past the window then I'm pretty sure that things would go downhill very quickly. It was easier to think about insignificant dark images cast on my wall and how they changed as the moon moved through the sky and how the clouds that covered the moon distorted those shadows.  
The silence had become too silent a long time back. My senses needed to be bombarded, to remain engaged and the Iron Maiden song that was blaring through the speakers did just the trick.

Nothing soft or meaningful would do tonight, nothing that would make me think.

Nothing that I could connect with.

Bruce Dickinson was singing about the Florida Everglades as Dave Murray and Janick Gers accompanied him with their mad guitar skills. Ozzy was next in the line up followed by Metallica.  
It was a good thing that tonight was Order meeting night otherwise I'm pretty sure my roommates would have something to say about my choice in music tonight and the volume at which it was currently playing. For a second there the music faded out as my mind, unwittingly, thought of how Dumbledore would tell the Order and… immediately I brought up my mental shields.

Against myself, yes.

Amazing, isn't it?

As a telepath, I could compartmentalize my thoughts. Literally lock them if I wanted to, provided I was strong enough. Now wouldn't that be something… locking every unpleasant thought you've ever had so that you would never have to confront it… It would be like it never existed. None of this, not Stone, not Voldemort… I could even block out everyone else's memory and the part couple of months would never have happened. That way this new mess could be easily side-stepped. I gave up that train of thought too and concentrated on the words of the song, the thumping bass that echoed in my chest.

_Until the time came to reunite us both  
My spirit came back down to me_

The group would be back soon and I was sure they would have enough to say then, so I might as well wait for them to start. There was no point in rehashing this in my head for the millionth time. Or maybe I could even delay it a while- if I left just this minute, I could orb out to someplace for the night and then I'd be able to avoid them till tomorrow evening… now there was a thought.

_I didn't know if I was alive or dead _

All of sudden everything went so bright that I had to shut my eyes to block it all out.  
_As the others all joined in with me_

"Jesus Alex, are you trying to go deaf?" Someone yelled and then the music died just before the epic guitar riff of the song. Damn.

**My empty room  
Crowded too soon  
I look for the fire escape  
I picture myself  
Running like hell  
Making my getaway  
**  
Everything beneath my eyelids was red and the sudden silence was deafening, more so than the music had been. This was not good.  
I cracked my eyelid open to see Lily standing near my night table, she was the one who'd turned on the night lamp that now softly lit up our dorm room. Mandy was by the stereo and Alice was pulling the window shut, muttering something about the cold. Another tactic I had employed to distract myself- it didn't seem like such a good idea now that I could barely feel my toes. Anyway, I forgot about my toes soon enough as I watched Frank, James, Remus and Sirius file in through the door. Why hadn't I made a run for it hours ago?  
"Is what Dumbledore said true?" Lily finally asked.

Not good at all.  
I rubbed my eyes in an effort to get rid of the spots and reached for my glasses that lay on my nightstand. "I wasn't there for your precious Order meeting, so how am I supposed to know what Dumbledore told you let alone know whether it's the truth or not."  
"Alex, do stop being so tiresome and answer the question." Remus muttered as he pinched the bridge of his nose.  
I sighed. "Yes, it's true."  
"So Kyle is going to get your grandmothers tomorrow and end this whole thing just like that." Lily summarized.  
"Yes, Lily. That's exactly what's going to happen. He's then going to come back here and use memory dust on Stone and the Elders will be taking care of the Lestranges. This whole ordeal is going to disappear," I snapped my fingers, "Just like that."

"One would think you'd be more upset about it, considering you were going on and on about the bigger picture and the fact that you were forced to end your friendships among many other things such as the fact that he actually kidnapped your grandmothers, assaulted you physically and emotionally. But you still manage to maintain your aura of calm and ill-timed humour." I gotta admit subjecting Alice to physical and emotional abuse seemed like a really good idea at that very moment.

"You're right it's a bloody walk in the park for me. Now that we've cleared it up, you can all go to bed. Buh-bye." I got off the bed and waved, ready to walk out. But James stopped me.  
"What really happened?" He seemed to be ready to be reasonable about things.  
"What does it matter anyway?" I muttered as I shrugged his hand off my shoulder. "It's all decided and nothing anyone says or does is going to change that."  
"You mean this wasn't your idea?" Alice asked.

I rolled my eyes, "Despite what you might think of me, no, it wasn't my idea and I tried to get them to change their mind but no one listened. So can we just please drop this."  
"No, not till you tell us who exactly is the 'they' and why is this happening. Dumbledore said we should ask you." Frank said as he moved over to one of the beds and sat down. Everyone else followed suit.  
I rubbed my hands over my face in frustration. "Damnit."  
Taking this as a signal to go ahead, James started with the first question, "What are the Elders?"

"Look why do you even care?" I demanded.  
"What sort of a question is that?" Remus countered. "We're a part of the Order, Alex. Each of us in this room has taken an oath to help make our world a safer place. And we can't do that we half truths."  
"Your world." I pointed out. "Your world. I'm not a part of your world, don't you get that. And any knowledge you have of my world is going to get you killed or worse…"

"What's worse than dying?" Alice demanded.  
"Not dying." I stated. "Hasn't Stone illustrated that point already? He's going to lose his memories of the past couple of months… the Elders are going to handle the Lestranges themselves and I don't even remember the last time the Elders did anything other than issue orders. Instead of capturing them and putting an end to it all, they're just going to make it all disappear. Doesn't that show you just how twisted everything really is? Why on earth would you want to be a part of this?"  
"Because you can't do this alone, Alex." Lily spoke up. "That's why."  
I rolled my eyes, "I'm not alone. I'm not. I have my family and that's all I need. You're not wiccas, any of you. Getting caught up in this mess will only guarantee that you end up dead or hurt. You want to jump of the cliff, that's your business. I'm not going to hold your hand on your way down. So go get your answers elsewhere."  
I walked to the door only to find James leaning against it with his arms folded across his chest. He was even wearing his I'm-pissed-and-you-don't-wanna-mess-with-me expression. The one that we reserved only for Quidditch finals and Slytherin games.

There wasn't much I could do at this moment except answer their questions or orb out. I sure as hell couldn't run and I'd rather die than orb out in front of these people. So there was nothing else for me to do but answer their questions. And pace.  
"Just… Fine. Have it your way." I was so going to regret this someday.

**The walls are caving in without no warning**

**The ship is sinking, I've gotta swim for it  
I'm running out of air  
Break me out tonight  
**  
"Elders." Frank reminded me.  
"The Council of Elders is a council of powerful whitelighters who advise magical beings and command a majority of the whitelighters. They're the proverbial "Powers that be" and their purpose is to preserve the greater good by keeping track of witches, whitelighters and even mortals from the Heavens."  
"Wow, sounds like you have it memorized." Mandy remarked at my near textbook answer.  
"Well, basically they're a bunch of bureaucratic whitelighters who have spent too much time in the Heavens and have completely forgotten what it's like to be one of us lesser beings."  
"Another thing to be added to the list of things Alex hates." Alice remarked snarkily.  
"Geez, you know what, no one asked you to be here. If you have so much of a problem with me and how I deal with stuff, then you can leave. Better yet, let me leave." I snapped back.  
"What is a whitelighter anyway?" Remus, the ever peaceful one asked before Alice could come up with a reply.  
I continued to glare at Alice for a couple of seconds before turning my attention to Remus. "Whitelighters are basically guardian angels. They protect good witches."  
"All this pertains to wiccan magic, yes?" James asked.  
"Honestly, I don't know. The line between your magic and mine is blurring very quickly. I'm a born Wicca, but I can perform wand magic because of my mixed blood-line. The Elders themselves came down to Hogwarts to talk to Dumbledore, with whom they're on a first name basis, about my grandmothers and what needs to be done… and they almost never leave the Heavens."  
"Were you there when they were talking to Dumbledore?" Mandy asked.  
I nodded, "I was asked to report to Dumbledore's office after I was done with classes for the day. Sandra and Leon, two of the Elders were waiting with Dumbledore."  
"Only two of them came?" Lily was the next to ask a question. It was kind of funny, the way they took turns to ask me question, almost as if they had planned it out. Maybe they really had.  
"Yes, it's not like they're all going to come down here to talk to me. And besides, Sandra and Leon are two of the very few who try to listen to us when we talk. The others, they have truly forgotten what it's like to live in this world. Sandra has helped my family for a long time, and I think, for most part, I amuse Leon so he tries to humour me. The Elders and the Halliwells have always had a difficult relationship." To put it lightly.  
"So who is your whitelighter?" James took over for Lily.

"Kyle." I answered. "Kyle's been my whitelighter for as long as I can remember."  
"So someone else will take over once he grows old?" Frank was next in line.  
I smiled. "Whitelighters are immortal. They don't age. Whitelighters are people who, when they were alive, were somehow connected to the magical world or have done some uncommon good when they were alive. These people, their spirits have a choice between becoming whitelighters and moving on into the afterlife. Kyle knew my grandmother and her sister when they were young; he even dated my grandaunt Paige. He was an agent with the Department of Homeland Security. He's been around ever since I was born and hasn't aged a single day."

"He's quite the hunk." Lily added with a grin as I fought the urge to cringe.  
"Really?" James demanded. "You've seen him?"  
"Yeah, he's really great." Lily was yanking his chain on purpose, I was certain of it.  
"Oh come on, how much of a nice guy can he be, Alex?" James looked at me for confirmation.  
"Okay, the minute you ask me if the guy who changed my diapers when I was a baby is a hunk I know we've gone into weird territory. The bottom line is that Kyle is my whitelighter. And I have explained to you what a whitelighter is."  
"Do they have powers?" Alice's curiosity evidently got the better of her uppish behaviour.  
"Yes, quite a few. They have to, to keep their charges safe. They can heal, sense when their charges are in danger… they can even sense people, sorta like a cosmic GPS, and they can orb."  
"What is that?" I'm going to stop focusing on the person and just concentrate on their question.  
"It's similar to apparating." Lily explained.  
"Hell, no." I shuddered. "Orbing is the exact opposite of apparating. I mean they are similar because they're both means of magical teleportation, but when you apparate, you feel like the life is being squeezed out of you but when you orb… when you orb, it's liberating. It's amazing. Given the choice, I would never, ever apparate."  
"Well, you can't orb so, unless you plan on wasting hours traveling, you have to get used to apparating." Alice was back to being a bitch.  
"Well Alex can…" Lily stopped abruptly as I suddenly realized what she had almost said. "… always call on Kyle to take her places." Smooth save.  
"And healing?" That was Remus, I think.  
"As long as there is the faintest breath of life left in a person, they can be healed from any injury, whether the injury is magical in origin or not. The power is channeled directly from the Elders. If the Elders do not wish for someone to be healed, a whitelighter can't do anything about it. Also, the person has to be willing to be healed. If they resist in any way, the whitelighter can't do much to help."  
"One last thing- memory dust?"  
"Whitelighters can sprinkle memory dust on anyone to make them forget something." I answered. "So we're done, right?"

That's when it came, right out of nowhere. "Who are the Halliwells?" The second I heard Halliwell my blood ran cold. I looked up to see Sirius sitting by the window. His features were in the shadows so I couldn't tell what he was feeling, but his voice was as cold and biting as the winter wind. Where the hell had he heard that name?

I swallowed. Once. Then twice. "Where did you hear that name?" My voice sounded as if I had been inhaling helium all day.

"You just said it yourself- '_The Elders and the Halliwells have always had a difficult relationship._'"

I didn't know what to say. I honestly didn't. My brain was coming up with blanks.  
I opened my mouth to say something and then shut it again. After a couple of seconds, I started to speak again.

"It had better be the truth." Sirius warned me.

Ah, fuck! I looked at Lily for help.

She nodded at me, support reflecting in her eyes and said, "It's time."

**I wanna see the sun rise anywhere but here  
Come with me  
Oh, this could be  
The only chance we get  
We gotta take it  
If we don't do it now we'll never make it  
Lose this crowd  
Oh, Break me out  
**

I didn't even realize that I was shaking my head. It couldn't be. It was too soon. It had almost three weeks since Sirius and I had talked it out on the bleachers. And things had been so good since then.

So damned good.

We sat at breakfast together, talked about our schedules for the day. His classes invariably ended before mine and considering three times a week my day ended with Charms, to see Sirius right after that was better than great. I didn't think it was dorky that he would walk me back to the common room. Hell I didn't even want to really fight to keep my bag with me when he would insist on carrying it for me. It was so… nice that he would offer every single day. But I had been carrying my own bag for over five years now and I didn't want him around to fetch things or carry things for me. I just wanted him around because he was him, if that makes any sense. Then we'd head down for dinner, after which we'd finish our homework and study together. Hell, even studying with him brought this heightened sense of awareness. There were times when Lily or James or Alice would throw balled up parchments at me to get me to stop day dreaming at back to work. I pretended that I hadn't noticed everyone's expressions that varied from smug satisfaction to that smile you have when you're genuinely happy for something. Then before bed, we would either go for a walk by ourselves or sit in front of the fire in the common room. Sometimes he would be lying down with his head in my lap, talking about his family or his early days with the Marauders as I absently ran my fingers through his hair or I'd be sitting with my back against his chest, warm and safe with his arms around my waist and legs against mine, telling him about edited versions about the Manor and Grams and Aunt Phoebe. We even talked a little about my parents. And then there was the kissing. Oh Jesus, the kissing! There were times when I thought I would float to the heavens and that's the only way I can accurately describe how it made me feel.

There were the little things like holding hands when we walked or when we sat for meals. Or him brushing aside my bangs when they fell into my eyes. And then there were the big things like talking about our families- him telling me about his parents and his brother, his uncle Alphard and Cousin Andromeda. I would talk to him about missing San Francisco, describe to him the adjustments I had to make when I shifted from England to America, tell him about Grams' cooking and P3 and her restaurant, Charmed. We could talk about anything and everything. Sometimes it was utter nonsense that had us laughing hours on end. Well not non stop, but we'd look at each other and burst out into laughter, knowing exactly what was on the others mind and not caring about the dubious looks the others shot our way. Whenever I heard his laugh, my stomach would feel warm and heavy, like I'd just eaten this sinful chocolate cake doused in rum. It was deep and warm and sounded a little like a bark.

Not everything was perfect though. We did have our fair share of arguments- most over Severus and his brother. I tried to explain their side of the story but he was completely unwilling to even hear my out. Sirius Black, who had a tolerance for just about everything and who shared my view that nothing was black and white, merely shades of grey, refused to even listen to what I had to say about his own brother and a guy he had tormented for nearly four years. He's be pissed that I would even consider that they were anything but wrong and I hated the fact that he wouldn't even hear me out. He would walk away and then after a while he'd come and sit next to me and quietly slip his hand between mine and kiss my temple. It bothered me that we never really talked about it but I wasn't going to waste much time worrying about it- every couple, Jesus, that's what we were, had their bone of contention and this was ours.

Well and from the looks of it there was going to be another bone, no wait, an entire skeleton of contention if I didn't start talking soon. Or maybe I shouldn't say anything at all. I tried to come up with a credible lie but for the life of me I couldn't come up with anything.

"Alex?" Lily's gentle voice broke my chain of thought. "It's been too long, don't you think?"

"What is Lily talking about, Alex?" Alice asked sharply.

I gathered my hair up in a ponytail and after a second let it fall to hang loose around my shoulders again with a sigh. There was no way I could maneuver myself out of this one.

"The truth it is, then. Halliwell is my grandmother's last name." I couldn't even begin to describe the disgust I felt towards myself.

"You said that your grandfather's last name was Wyatt." There was his wintry voice again. It was so cold and emotionless that I could hardly recognize it.

"My family is matriarchal. And we keep the family name" I couldn't bring myself to look at him. If he sounded like that, I could only imagine what he looked like with his skin pulled tight over his cheeks and eyes glinting with anger.

**We stare at our feet  
Slink down the street  
Some kind of secret race  
They'll carry on  
Notice we're gone  
So easily replaced**

"Well if it is her last name then wouldn't that mean that it is also your last name?" Mandy asked.

I took a deep breath, this was it. "Yes." I nodded. "My full name is Alexandria Perry Halliwell. Well actually it's Alexandria Rose Perry Halliwell. It's quite a mouthful and sounds all imp-"

"So you lied." It wasn't a question. It didn't even sound like a statement. It sounded like an accusation. If only there had been some emotion in his voice.

"Not really, no." I shook my head, still staring at the carpet and trying really hard to talk around the lump in my throat that kept growing bigger and bigger. "It's Alex Perry hyphen Halliwell. Perry was my father's middle name and when I moved from England to America after my father's death my Grams' thought that it would be a good way to honour my dad."

"Don't think that you can make us completely ignore the fact that you've blatantly lied to us by making us feel sorry for you. I really don't care why the hell you have whatever names you have." I physically took to a step back when I heard those words and the venom in his voice. I finally looked at him, as I felt tingly all over. Suddenly it was hard to breath and my eyes were burning. All of a sudden it was just him and me in the room and no one else mattered.

**The walls are caving in without no warning**

**The ship is sinking, I've gotta swim for it  
I'm running out of air  
Break me out tonight**

"So I didn't tell you my whole name, what difference does it make?" I demanded.

"Just a couple of weeks back you were angry with Lily for lying by omission and you ask me why the fuck I'm angry with you now?" And now he was swearing at me. Ironically, his words kept getting harsher as he got angrier but his voice remained calm.

"It's just a second last name. A lot of people just use their middle name as their last names. I don't see the need to be Ms. Perry Halliwell during roll call."

That's when he snorted. "And you're still lying. How dumb do you think I am, Alex? That's the stupidest reason for not using your actual, family last name that you say has been passed down through generations. You could just be Ms. Halliwell at roll call. Hell, haven't you heard of Mr. Finch- Fletchley. I believe he's in your year. Double barreled surname and he seems okay with it."

"He might be. But I'm not." I replied hotly.

"So that's the explanation you're sticking with? That you don't want a double barreled surname?" Something in his voice scared me.

**I wanna see the sun rise anywhere but here  
Come with me  
Oh, this could be  
The only chance we get  
We gotta take it  
If we don't do it now we'll never make it  
Lose this crowd  
Oh, Break me out  
**

"It's not the question of sticking with it or not. It's not a story, it's the truth." I hope I sounded at least a little convincing.

That's when he got off the seat and stepped out of the shadows and into the light. When I saw the disappointment and anger glinting in his eyes, I wished that he had remained by the dark window. "I don't know what it is, Alex. Maybe you don't trust me and maybe you just want to see how far you can get people to remain by your side on just blind faith. But I'm telling you right now that I'm not one of those people and I refuse to enable this anymore. I'm done with this." And then without letting me say anything, he turned around with a swish of his robes and walked towards the door.

I watched him walk away, completely numb. "Sirius." I called out softly but he heard me.

He stopped but he didn't turn around. "Please don't walk away. I care about you."

He turned his head slightly and replied, "It's not enough." And then he was gone. Or maybe someone turned off the light or reached in and pulled the shades over my eyes because all of a sudden I couldn't seem to see anything anymore. My ears were roaring and my chest felt constricted.

I heard someone call out my name, maybe. But I couldn't be sure. I felt the bed dip next to me and a hand on my shoulder. "Alex."

"He's gone, isn't he?" And I didn't just mean from the room.

The grip on my shoulder tightened but other than that Lily said nothing. I blinked several times and then looked around the room again. Alice was sitting on her bed, disgust evident on her face as she whispered fiercely to Frank, who was trying to get her to calm down. Mandy looked sad and disappointed and wouldn't meet my gaze. Remus looked hurt and when he saw me looking at him, his gaze hardened and he turned away. Despite that reaction that made everything hurt even more, James' reaction hurt the most. He just shook his head at me and then clapped Remus on the shoulder and together they left the room.

James' reaction hurt the most because the day after Sirius and I spoke on the bleachers, James asked me to take a walk with him. I thought he wanted to talk about Quidditch strategy, but instead he walked up to the viewing deck of the Great Lake in silence and once we were leaning again the wooden railing, he started to talk. "Look, I don't know what exactly the two of you spoke about last night, but whatever it was, he seemed really happy." I didn't know what I was supposed to say to that. I thought that would be a good thing, but there was this silent intensity in James' voice that made me wary. "Sirius seems like the easy going sort. Everyone seems to think he's a jokester with an easy laugh and no worries. I don't know how they don't notice that unused laugh and the shadow in his eyes. But I know, and I'm sure that you do too, that it's a far cry from the truth. I love him like a brother. No, I love him because he is my brother and over the years I've watched him struggle to find some measure of peace and happiness. But with you, it seems to come to him naturally and I'll always love you more for that. You are to Lily what Sirius is to me, so that makes us almost brother and sister. But I'm telling you this right now that if anything happens and if it comes down to picking sides, I will be on his and if you cause him any pain, intentionally, then that is it for us too."

I vaguely remember being a little scared and hurt by what he said. But I understood why he felt that way and I told him just the same. I saw Frank leave the room a couple of minutes later, Mandy enter the bathroom to change into her nightclothes. Lily and I remained on my bed, sitting like statues.

"Alex." Alice called out from her bed. I looked at her. "I don't know how to trust a person who can't be honest about a simple thing as her name. Over the years, I've tried to get used to your temper and your way of talking and your- well, you in general. But I don't see the point anymore." With that she jerked her bed curtains shut and disappeared from view.

"It'll be-" Lily started.

"No, it isn't." I interrupted her. "It's not going to be alright. It never was alright. I don't know who I was trying to fool. Pretending to be someone I'm not, starting that… whatever it was with Sirius in the first place. I should have known." With that I got off the bed, pulled on my boots and started to leave the dorm.

Lily rose behind me and with a simple, "I want to be alone.", I left the room.

**The walls are caving in with no warning  
This ship is sinking, I've gotta swim for it  
I got a feeling we're better off anyway  
I don't care what they say**

******A/N:** Hope this is a quick enough update.


	25. Blurry

The next day was a whole big blur. I have no memory of how I got through the day. I don't remember brushing my teeth or showering, putting on my uniform, attending classes or even eating my meals. And yet, as the clock struck nine, there I was, in my uniform, staring at all the notes I had written in class that day, trying to finish my essay in time for the Order meeting.

Auto pilot had done me good, but now I needed to be aware. Not of all the happenings of last night, but of those to come tonight.

I packed away my notes and got up, shouldering my book bag. As I looked around the common room, I saw all my house mates laughing and enjoying the Friday evening. Homework was being avoided till Sunday afternoon, different kinds of music was playing from all the corners of the room, people were sprawled on couches and arm chairs, the best seats besides the fire and by the windows saved for the seniors… There was even a third year couple making out in a corner.

Everything around me was warm, and safe and content.

Everything that I just couldn't seem to feel.

I hadn't seen any of my dorm mates or their better halves, considering I couldn't call them my friends anymore… Seemed somewhat redundant, no?

Although, Lily had kept me company during meals, I think, because I didn't have the heart to tell her to leave me alone. I understood what she was trying to do, and I wanted to appreciate it… but I hated how she had to pick sides all the time. Surely, the others were giving her a hard time for it. But other than that, even she had stayed out of my way.

This was what I wanted, exactly what I wanted. And yet, I had never felt so alone in a really long time.

I entered my dorm and dumped my bag on my bed. Walking up to my dresser, I pulled out a pair of black jeans and a black turtleneck sweater. Pulling my hair into a ponytail, I grabbed my coat, gloves and beanie and headed out.

The walk to Dumbledore's office was one I was familiar with and usually I looked forward to meeting him in his office. Gryffindor tower made me feel warm, safe and content but I knew, without a shadow of doubt, that I was exactly all of those things in Dumbledore's office. Nothing bad could ever happen there. But all I could think of was the last time I was there, and the reason I was headed there right now and my dinner weighed down like a hot iron ball in my stomach.

Ensuring that I was alone, I muttered the password and waited for the gargoyle to give way to the stairway and then headed up to his office. I knocked quietly on the door and I heard Dumbledore's voice asking me to enter. Such a personality he had, that just listening to his voice and having him look at you with that strong, intelligent look in his eye calmed you in a way that nothing else could.

"Come in, Alexandria." I crossed the room, dropped my stuff in an empty chair by his desk and stepped into his open arms. I know it seems weird, the familiarity between a headmaster and a student. But our relationship was a little more complicated than that. As opposed to teachers who visited muggle students to explain to them about Hogwarts, Dumbledore himself had come to Halliwell Manor. And this had been much before I turned eleven. His friendship with my Grams and her sisters was such that he was a regular at our dinner table.

As I tried not to break down in that familiar embrace, I felt him rest his chin on my head for just a second, "It'll all be over soon, you'll see."

I didn't know how to tell him that, in a way, it already was.

There was nothing for me to do but to pull back and try and smile. "With you around, how could I ever think otherwise?"

The twinkle in his blue eyes dimmed as he took in my appearance, "Piper is going to have words with me and the care I take of all my students the minute she lays her eyes on you."

"Like Grams could ever doubt you and your intentions, Professor." I rolled my eyes.

"You look tired." The steel in his eyes told me that he wasn't in the mood for my shenanigans.

I sighed and looked him in the eye. "I am."

For a second it seemed like he was going to say something more about it, but then the twinkle was back, "Just today I was thinking about the time Piper found you in the pantry, eating her cooking chocolate straight out of the tin."

I felt myself turn red as I remembered that incident. "I was three. When are all of you going to let that go?"

Dumbledore laughed, "Well, it's hard to forget the sight of a three year old, sitting on a pantry floor with chocolate smears all over her face and hands."

I muttered something about Alzheimer's.

"We didn't know where you had disappeared off to. And then when I opened that door and found you in there, all you did was give me that mischievous smile of yours and say, 'Want some, Dumby?'"

And that mention of my inability to pronounce his name properly as a kid and the thought of actually calling a wizard like Albus Dumbledore 'Dumby' made me turn a darker shade of red.

"Jesus, please don't remind me."

"Dumby." I heard someone snort behind me and I turned around. I was tired of being caught off guard all the time.

I saw the Prewett twins wiping away tears. "It's going to take more than a knock on the head from a troll's club to make me forget about this." Fabian said.

"I thank you, Alexandria." Gideon stood up and bowed to me.

I rolled my eyes, trying to ignore the fact that everyone else was also sitting there and none of them were even looking at me. If Dumbledore and the Prewett brothers noticed the awkwardness, none of them said a word or gave any indication that they even noticed the tension that could be cut through with a knife and served on top of bread fresh from the oven.

I turned back to Dumbledore, "I thought it was just going to be you, Kyle and me tonight."

"Yes, but I still have an Order meeting to finish, as always. We are just waiting for everyone else to arrive. They need to be informed about the turn of events."

"In that case, I'll come back." I needed to get out of there.

"You may stay. Nothing that you can't hear about is to be discussed tonight. We are just going to talk about tonight's plan and discuss what the Elders said. The ministry officials are running a little late, that's all."

I shrugged and looked around the office, hoping that Dumbledore had bought a new, interesting trinket that I could occupy myself with. And of course there were none, and Fawkes was nowhere to be found either. I considered counting the number of portraits that were hanging on the wall even. Phyllida Spore (what was she, a descendant of plants?), Eoessa Sakndenberg (sounded a little sakny/skanky if you ask me), Ambrose Swott (one word- snot), Vindictus Veridian (now there was an ominous sounding name), Phineas Nigellus Black- wait, Black?

"Alexandria?" I turned away from the wall of portraits and looked at Dumbledore, who had returned to his desk. "Will you play something for us, while we wait?" And he looked in the direction of the piano that sat in one corner of the room.

I wanted to say no. But rarely did Dumbledore ever ask for anything and I wasn't the kind of person who could say no to him. So instead I gave him my best please-don't-make-me-do-this-in-front-of-them look, but he just smiled in response.

I sighed and walked towards the piano. Just like everything else in Dumbledore's office, the Steinway grand piano was gorgeous. Dark polished wood, well maintained and gleaming. I propped up the lid and walked around and sat down on the stool. I lifted the fall board and folded away the soft cloth that covered the keys and laid it on the floor next to me. I ran my fingers over the keys, not pressing any, unsure of what to play. The fact that I could feel everyone's eyes on me didn't help matters much. In an effort to block them out, I pressed down on the pedals and played a few chords, just to get a feel of the instrument. And it was magnificent. The large, rich sound filled the room and then seemed to linger. And I felt light.

I looked at Dumbledore, "Any requests?"

"Anything that tickles your fancy."

Merlin, what the hell was I going to play? Nervously, I looked at all of them through the veil of my bangs. Alice, Frank, Mandy, Remus, Lily, James and Sirius.

They were all sitting there, and with the exception of Lily, looking at me with that polite expression that is reserved for someone who you know has passed some noxious gas, but there's nothing that can be done but wait for it to pass and hope that it doesn't burn any of your nose hairs in the process.

I closed my eyes. This was bad. But it hadn't always been the case. I may not have been willing to admit it before, but now that they were gone, it was impossible to deny it any longer. These people have been an integral part of my life; they were my friends, no matter what I told myself. I may have thought that I was alone or that I had exactly one friend this whole time, but when has what you think ever been the same as what really is.

That's when I knew that I wanted to play. It didn't matter that it was a la-di-da pop song or that it would be a crime of sorts to play it on this Steinway; it just came down to the fact that in that moment, the song conveyed exactly what I felt. Whoever claims that he does not connect with pop music is a liar and if you would be so kind as to point him out to me, I would happily set his pants on fire. No, seriously.

With my eyes still closed, I started to play. And sing.

**For a time I thought my faith, it must be hiding**

**Searching through the sky**

**Hoping to find a way,**

That was the beauty of songs, of music. The idea that someone out there, someone who you've never met, who's never met you, who doesn't even know that you exist, let alone what you may be feeling or thinking, can write a song that connects with you in such a profound way that it surprising that you didn't write it yourself.

**A way,**

**To get me through the day**

I couldn't help but think of all the alarm clocks I had destroyed, the countless times I had let my morning (bad) mood get the better of me and take it out on everyone around me… and how that had gradually changed. And how in the past few weeks, the idea of waking up and facing the day with Sirius and Lily, Remus and James, my room mates… seemed damn near perfect.

**Wonder where I belong, is there where I should stay**

I say damn near perfect because the truth was that I was lying. About who I was, _what_ I really was. I wasn't honest about a single aspect of me. And I could never forget that. I couldn't forget the fact that I didn't deserve to be around these people, that they didn't deserve to trust and be friends with someone like me. This wasn't my world. At the end of next year, I would walk away and never look back. This wasn't my life and it could never be.

**You lift me up when I am falling **

**You're the friend when I was calling**

**Now I'm on top of the world**

**I'm on the top of the world**

Of course I was happy to have met them, and hell yeah, I would miss them. The idea of not having them around was the reason why I didn't want them around in the first place. I'm not stupid; I can recognize awesome when it's right under my nose.

**Yeah, you've always been believing **

**Gave my life a whole new meaning**

**Now I'm on top of the world**

**Top of the whole wide world**

That's what they are, that's what this place is. I am honoured and grateful to have gotten a chance to be a part of this world, and I could never say otherwise.

**There's a strength in me, it seems had forgotten**

**Now I realize today, I'm starting to dream again**

I could do this. I had gotten myself in this mess, I would see myself out of it. I just had another year to go. A couple of months till the Maurauders graduated… I'd be fine. Sure, I'd see them on occasion, I guess, because of Lily and James. But I'd have stuff to do… High school to finish, universities to attend, the world to save. How often would I see them anyhow…?

I could do this.

**Again, was a matter of when**

**I guess we all lose our way now and then**

I would do this.

**You lift me up when I am falling **

**You're the friend when I was calling**

I would be strong and look back on these times and just concentrate on how good it felt to be a part of something bigger than me, something real, something so good.

**Now I'm on top of the world**

**I'm on the top of the world**

I will be happy. I will be strong.

**Yeah, you've always been believing **

**Gave my life a whole new meaning**

**Now I'm on top of the world**

**Top of the whole wide world**

I have Lily, and my family, Kyle… Hell I can even call on the ghosts of long dead relatives to keep me company. I was going to be just fine.

I was so caught up in my thoughts that a part of me didn't even realize till the very last moment that I had played the last cord and trailed off.

I opened my eyes, unsure of when I had closed them in the first place and refused to look around the now silent room, save for the occasional crackling sounds from the fire place. I had never claimed to be a singer and now, I was embarrassed as fuck.

"Gulping Gargoyles, Alex." Fabian sounded like someone had successfully pulled a prank on him.

I self consciously tucked an imaginary lock of hair behind my ear and bent down to pick up the cloth and lay it over the keys. "Yes, it's been a while since I last played."

"You certainly fooled me, Perry."

And for the second time in a row, Alastor Moody managed to surprise me. Put out, I may have dropped the fall board in place a little harder than I should have, but it's a Steinway, it can take it.

Taking a deep breath, I shoved my embarrassment down and stood up. "Yeah well, I had lessons as a kid. It's nothing to write home about."

"You have got to be joking, right?" Gideon sounded confused. "That was just smash-"

Jesus Christ, why couldn't they just let it go! "It's just a silly, pop number." Not giving anyone a chance to speak, I turned to Dumbledore. "I'm guessing everyone's here. So can we get a move on things?"

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled, as if he knew that I needed everyone to stop talking about my playing slash singing just as much as I needed to talk about what was going to happen tonight. "Yes, we must."

He indicated to one of the many chairs that were taking up his office space, "If you would join us, I would like to explain to everyone just what is going to happen tonight."

I quickly walked towards the chairs, and sat down in the first one I came across. Thankfully it was the one that was furthest away from my school mates and well, hell, right next to Professor McGonagall. I smiled at her and she quickly whispered, "That was beautiful, Ms. Perry," in that familiar no nonsense voice of her's.

Unsure of what to say in return, I just smiled awkwardly and turned to look at Dumbledore, who had taken a seat behind his desk.

There was movement next to me, and a second later, a warm arm linked itself with my own. I smiled and rested my head on Lily's shoulder.

"Hi." I whispered.

"Hey stranger." She whispered back.

I tuned out Albus as he told everyone that him, Kyle and I would be heading out to Stone's cabin to get my grandmothers and how as we were out there, a couple of whitelighters would be orbing out to Stone and the Lestrages and wiping their memory of the past couple of weeks clean and replacing them with fake memories that would compensate for their loss.

Their loss? What a fucking joke. This was so not how things were supposed to happen. Right at this moment, we should have been arresting the Lestranges, trying to extract as much information about Voldemort and his so called Death Eaters as we could get from them. And then, we should be arresting those people… crippling Voldemort and…

_And then what?_ A pesky voice in my head piped up. _Arrest the existing Death Eaters and ten more would jump up to take their place._

And there was no denying that.

At least this way I would get my family back and Voldemort would never hear about our existence.

"Alexandria." I heard someone call out my name.

"Alex." I felt Lily shake me back into awareness.

"Yes, Professor?"

"He's asking you to call Kyle." Lily whispered to me.

"Right." I sat up in my chair and called out, "Kyle."

And despite the distance between Alice and me, I heard her mutter, "Bloody madness."

And before I knew that I wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up, Lily took my hand in hers, "Just focus on getting him here."

I closed my eyes and tried to sense Kyle, but considering I had never been able to do that successfully, other than feel this small pin prick of awareness before it died out, it didn't help now either. _Damnit Kyle, _I thought, _get your ass down here right now!_

And just like that he appeared in a swirl of sparkling lights. In a chair in front of me. Sitting sideways, such that he was looking right at me. "You called, my love?"

And just like that I felt a rush of affection for him. I know what he was doing… trying to take all the attention away from me and onto him. And I had never loved him more. "Showoff." I said cantankerously as I got up from my chair, but not before I squeezed Lily's hand in thanks. "Shall we?" I asked Dumbledore.

Dumbledore nodded. "Kyle, if you would be so kind as to orb Alexandria and I over to the cabin?"

Kyle looked up at me in confusion. _You seriously don't expect me to orb in front of these people, do you?_ I asked him telepathically.

_You're going to have to stop hiding at some point, Alex. _

_Ya, well. It's not going to be today. _

Kyle just cocked an eye brow in response.

_Please don't make me. _

_Alright then._

He looked away from me and warmly smiled at Lily. "Lily, it has been too long."

Lily leaned forward for a hug. "It's good to see you, Kyle."

"Okay." Kyle stood up and looked at me expectantly, "Let's a get a move on it."

We walked over to Dumbledore's desk. I put on my coat and pulled on my gloves. I pulled my hair out of the ponytail and covered my head with the beanie. I walked over and stood on Kyle's left and Dumbledore, wand in hand, stood on Kyle's other side. I let Kyle's warm hand cover my own, and I'm sure Dumbledore had gripped Kyle right below his elbow, like he always did when Kyle or I orbed him places. "Ready?" Kyle asked.

I nodded, looking really straight, and staring at a spot on the wall across me. "Yes." Dumbledore answered. I felt the tingling spread throughout my body, and just as we orbed out I quickly shifted my eyes to Sirius.

And he was looking at right me.

And then we were gone.


	26. Safe at last

**Hello my friend, we meet again  
It's been awhile, where should we begin?  
Feels like forever**

"-dare send me back!" My shout echoed through Dumbledore's office.

That goddamned asshole had actually orbed me back. The second the swirl of lights died down, I kicked out at an empty chair in front of me. It fell to its side with a crash.

"I'm going to kick your ass seven ways to Sunday, Kyle, I swear to God!" I yelled at the ceiling.

"Alex." Lily's voice sounded so calm, after my loud and violent outburst. "What happened? Where is everyone?"

The second I turned around to face her, I saw her gaze drop to my left shoulder and she let out a loud gasp as she rushed forward towards me. I covered the wound instinctively. "What in the world happened to your shoulder?"

Damn, I had almost forgotten about that. And when she pointed it out, I felt my shoulder sting and burn. "Ambush."

"I think you're going to have to give me more than that."

"Where's the rest of the order?" I asked as I looked around to the almost empty room. Other than my house mates, the room was empty. God, why were they still here?

"Alex!" She raises her voice to get my attention.

I continued to look around the empty room, as if the chairs were going to tell me where everyone else had gone. Unwittingly, I caught Sirius' eye. He was staring at my wound. His gaze traced my hair that was tangled and unruly and then skimmed over the dust that marked my cheek. The spots tingled, as if he had touched them. I wanted to say something, and I think my expression changed because he looked away immediately. That hurt more than my shoulder wound.

"Merlin, Alex." She whispered under her breath, reminding me that now was not the time.

"So where is everyone else?"

"The teachers went back to their rooms and the ministry members left, considering there was nothing else for them to do. Now, tell me what the hell happened."

Jeez. "Kyle's been dodging some demons for the past couple of weeks. They were waiting for us when we got there. There was a bit of a… skirmish, let's say. I got hit with an energy ball, as you can see. So Kyle orbed me back." And once again, my blood started to boil. I looked up at the ceiling once again, as I raised my voice. "As if that's never happened before! I mean seriously, I can take care of myself. To send me back in the middle of a fight is just so fuckin-"

"Smart." Lily interrupted me.

I rolled my eyes. "High-handed." I finished.

"Where's Dumbledore?" Mandy asked.

I turned to look at her. "He quietly apparated into the cabin to get my grandmothers, as Kyle fought off the demons. Can't risk exposure, now can we."

"But everything is going according to plan?" Lily asked.

"I hope so." I answered.

Lily gave me a quick side hug, "Everything will be fine. Just watch."

I smiled, it was weak but genuine. God, I was so thankful for Lily.

"Let me have a look at your shoulder." Lily made me turn towards her better, so as to get a better look at the wound.

"Move your hand, Alex." She tried to pry my right hand loose from its vice-like grip. The bleeding had slowed considerably, but it was still trickling out from between my fingers.

"Don't touch it." I winced and took an involuntarily step back.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." Lily sounded contrite.

"Don't worry about it." I mumbled, waiting for the pain to subside to the occasional twinge and burn.

"Shouldn't you show it to Madam Pomfrey?" Remus, I smiled involuntarily, always the voice of reason.

"There's no need. Kyle will get back and take care of it." I couldn't help but smile reassuringly. But I don't think he was really interested in being nice to me, because he looked away too.

Before anyone could say anything else, I saw someone orb in from the corner of my eyes.

Behind me I heard Frank whisper, "That has got to be the most beautiful thing I have ever seen."

Before this moment, I would have agreed with him. The swirl of blue and white and silver shimmering orbs, indeed, were gorgeous. But I swear I wanted to kick the ass of the person who'd orbed in.

"What the hell is your problem?" I demanded angrily.

"Alex." Kyle's tone held a measure of warning, but I didn't fucking care. I was done playing by everyone else's rules. I needed some measure of control.

"No. Don't take that tone with me. You know I can handle myself. So what the hell is your damned problem?"

"Think, Alex. The second you would have engaged them, you'd have exposed Albus and yourself to unnecessary danger. They were waiting for me. I'm the one they wanted. But you catch their attention and they'll be tracking you and do you want them following you back to school? Exposing the Underworld to this world?" Kyle gestured to the room we were in. "You have to learn to keep your mind in the game. Not get caught up in the moment. Heaven knows how I'm ever going to get you to understand that."

"We'd have got them all. It would have been faster and more efficient. Who would they have reported back too?" I demanded.

"Alex. Those were swarm demons. Are you being thick on purpose?" Okay, now he was just being mean. "Let it go. Just take a step back and learn to let stuff go. You can't control everything around you." Someone snorted behind me. I was willing to bet it was James.

I opened my mouth to say something but I didn't know what to say to that. I hated he was right, but I wasn't petty enough to fight with him for no reason. Defeated, I turned around and walked up to Fawkes' perch. But Dumbledore's gorgeous phoenix was no where to be seen.

I felt a hand settle warmly on my uninjured shoulder. "Let me take a look at that for you." I'm glad Kyle didn't seem me cringe at the tone of apology in his voice. I was the one who had been acting like a total class A bitch, I was in the wrong. And still, he was the one who had to apologize. What was wrong with me?

When did I get this screwed up?

Why the hell was I doing this to the people around me?

And why were they still around after all this?

A little voice in my head reminded me that not all of them were still around.

Well, good for them, I thought.

"Turn around, pixie." Pain shot through my chest as he called me by the name my family used. "Let me take care of that shoulder."

I sighed softly and turned around. "I'm sorry." I whispered. "Everything's all messed up up here." I wiggled my fingers around my head.

"It's always been that way." He grinned at me. "It's what I love most about you."

I rolled my eyes. "Ass."

Before he could respond, the flames in the fireplace turned green and out stepped Dumbledore. I ignored him as his dusted the soot of his robes, my eyes dying to see the two people that meant everything to me.

I was rooted to the spot as Grandma Phoebe stepped out of the fireplace. And then, there she was. My Grams.

As opposed to what most people would have done, which is run into the welcoming embrace of their loved ones, especially when only moments back they had been in danger, I was rooted to the ground.

The relief that was coursing through my veins at the sight of my grandmother and her sister was so profound, so… heavy that I just could not move. The chance, the minute chance that I was actually hallucinating, that they weren't really there… I just couldn't move.

All I could do was drink in the familiar sight of my grandmother. Her brown and silver hair was pulled back into a messy bun. Her clothes were wrinkled and flecked with dust. She looked tired… but her dark eyes still had that fire burning within their depths. Her smile was the same, familiar, crooked smile that made me believe everything was fine. For the first time since this bullshit had started, I felt my eyes fill with tears and my chin tremble.

"Well, sweety. What does an old woman have to do to get a hug from her granddaughter around here?"

And that voice, it was the same sweet voice that had put me to sleep on countless nights. With a low cry, I ran across the room and into her waiting arms.

**It feels so good to reunite  
Within yourself and within your mind  
Let's find peace there**

Who cared that she smelled a little musty or that putting my arm around her made my shoulder throb painfully. This was my Grams. "You're anything but old, Grams. God, I've been so worried." I whispered.

"I've missed you, my pixie." She replied fiercely, her hands comfortingly rubbing my back. I hugged her for several minutes, drinking in the familiarity that was Grams. It had been so long and so much had happened since I last saw her. But, right now, in this very moment, everything felt the right side up again. And I was afraid that it wouldn't be the second I let her go.

"Hey! What I am, the next door neighbour?" I smiled as I pulled away from Grams, only to be enveloped into a bear hug by Phoebe.

"I've missed you, Grandma Phoebe."

Her only response was to tighten her arms around me. I cried out as it made my arm hurt worse. And she immediately pulled back.

"Sweetheart, I'm sorry."

"Don't even think about it." I smiled at her, still not completely sure if she was really there.

"Kyle, would you mind taking care of my granddaughter?" Phoebe looked at my whitelighter, who was standing besides Dumbledore.

"Only if she promises not to turn me into a toad."

"Of course not." I told him sweetly. "Dung beetle will do just fine. Ass"

"Alex." Said Grams in that tone that needed no explanation.

I rolled my eyes. "You know I'm kidding."  
"Only not." I whispered to Kyle who was now standing next to me with his hands hovering over my wound.

"This is me, losing sleep over it, shrimp." He whispered back.

I saw his hands start to glow golden and the wound started to warm up and tingle, but only in a comforting sort of way. A couple of seconds later, the tingling stopped and the pain was gone. I looked down at the shoulder. Aside from a hole in the shirt, there was no evidence that I had been hit with a high powered energy ball.

"Merlin, you really can heal." Frank exclaimed.

"I didn't actually believe it when Alex told us whitelighters could heal." Mandy chimed in.

"Really?" Grandma Phoebe sounded both disbelieving and extremely interested and I saw Grams' raise her eyebrows. They both turned to look at the rest of the party.

"Ya well, I had to tell them something." I mumbled. "It's a long story."

"Forgive Alex. And yes, she was indeed raised by wolves. Had it been these two over here," He pointed to Grams and Grandma Phoebe, "she wouldn't have such atrocious manners. I'm Kyle Brody."

I elbowed him in the stomach. Hard. "This is Frank Longbottom, Alice Jenkins, Mandy Silverton, James Potter, Remus Lupin and Si- Sirius Black." No one reacted as I stumbled over his name. "Everyone, this is my grandmother, Piper Halliwell and her sister, Phoebe Halliwell. And everyone here already know Lily."

"Of course." Grams voice was full of warmth and love, "Come here, honey."

"It's good to see you, Grams." Lily hugged Grams.

"I'm so glad you're okay, Grandma Phoebe." She had to bow her head so that Grandma Phoebe could kiss her.

"It's so good to see you, honey."

Grams turned to Dumbledore. "Thank you so much Albus, for all your help."

Dumbledore inclined his head politely, "Always a pleasure, Piper." He swept a hand to the chairs, "Please, have a seat."

We all sat in the chairs that surrounded Dumbledore's desk and waited for him to be seated as well. I was seated between Grams and Grandma Phoebe, holding each other their hands. They were here. They were actually here and safe and I was weak with relief.

"I hope your…," Dumbledore paused delicately, "stay at the Stone cabin wasn't too uncomfortable." He asked me grandmothers.

"It was as to be expected. We were comfortable, physically." Grams assured him.

"The house was beautiful and the surrounding gardens and forest, exquisite. Had that weasel not been holding us there against our will, it would have been a nice little holiday." Grandma Phoebe, always looking for the good in the bad.

"You're going to have to tie my hands down to keep from blowing this Stone up." Grams sounded pissed. Justifiably.

"Honey, unfortunately, its still wrong to kill mortals." Phoebe reached over and patted Grams' hand.

"Let alone the fact that he had kidnapped us, every time he came over he would boast about making life hell for Alex." Grams shuddered, or maybe she was trembling with rage. "That psychopathic glint in his eyes as he detailed what he would do to us, to you," she looked at me with some residual fear still reflected in her eyes, "it just made me skin crawl." I tightened my grip on her hand.

"I'm fine." I assured her.

She lifted her other hand and traced my check and touched the corner of my mouth lightly, "He told us what he did to you." She whispered.

"It was nothing. I'm absolutely fine, Grams."

"I have crossed paths with a lot of evil, Albus. Demons, warlocks, the Source of all Evil, and yet I'll never forget what I sensed off him." Phoebe added.

"Well regrettably, there's not much we can do at this point, considering the way the Elders," he paused to let Grams make a derisive sound, "wanted to handle the situation. But rest assured, that the Order will be keeping a very close eye on him."

"You do know that the offer still stands, yes? Albus, any way we can help with this fight, you have only to ask, the Elders be damned." Grams reminded him.

"As selfish as their decision might seem, it is still prudent that our worlds interact as little as possible. Surely, the good we would accomplish together would be monumental, but the evil… that might just destroy us all. Wiccans, mortals and wizards alike."

"What chance does this world have as a whole, if the good doesn't come together to fight off the darkness? The rest of it is just political nonsense."

"Piper, we are not going to get into this again. Please." Grandma Phoebe said. "Besides, this isn't a conversation to have around the children."

"What children are you talking about Pheebs? These children who have dedicated their lives to fighting Voldemort? Or your granddaughter who vanquished her first demon when she was five? No one's a child here and they should all get a say."

"Except that it's not going to happen tonight." Kyle finally spoke. "Look, as much as I would love to talk about this, we've got better things to do. It's been a long day for everyone and unless we're going to celebrate or talk about something cheerful, I'm out of here."

"Yes, besides, we have completely ignored everyone else." Phoebe added.

Uh-oh, I didn't like the sound of that.

"So," Phoebe's eyes were sparkling with mischief as she turned to face my friends, or non- friends, whatever.

"I hear you've finally landed this one, eh, James. Your persistence always had me impressed."

"Really?" James seemed surprised that Phoebe knew who to address. "Lily used to talk about me?"

"Only all the time, honey." Phoebe swatted away an imaginary fly. "And if it wasn't her, then pixie would be talking about you. Quidditch this and pranks that… God, some of your pranks almost made me pee my pants." I buried my face in my hands. God, whose grandmothers talked like that?

"And you must be Remus. Boy wonder that kept Alex from failing Charms all these years. You have our gratitude. Wouldn't want a flunkie in the family, now would we Piper?" Phoebe shot Grams a look and let out a quiet groan. Grams had to bite her lip to keep from smiling. "Alice, Mandy-"

"Phoebe, honey, remember when we talked about boundaries and new people?" Grams finally interrupted her. I saw the Prewett twins shoot amused glances at one another.

"We need to get going, anyway." I couldn't wait to get out of here.

"What do you mean, love?" Grams asked me.

"Well, you're going home, aren't you? I'm hoping I can spend the night there too. I'll orb back in the morning."

"Well, we've decided to spend the next few days here. It'll be a while before we know if the house is safe or not. It's just a precaution, love. Don't get worked up." She added when she saw my eye brows furrow in worry. "Also, I'm exhausted and just the thought of a large, dusty house makes me want to not go back for a while."

"Yes, that way we can spend time with our favourite granddaughter and get a feel of this place you've talked so much about." Phoebe was positively glowing at that thought.

I smiled, hoping they were convinced. But all I could think of was the million ways this could turn into a gigantic mess.

"Well, if you're staying, then let's head to bed?" Another last ditch effort to break up this weirdass party.

"Jeez, I forgot!" Phoebe smiled her charming smile at my friends, "It's just been so long since I've been around people. I'm so sorry to keep you all."

I had always suspected that no one was immune to Grandma Phoebe's charms, no pun intended, but my suspicions were confirmed by the varied looks of reassurance on everyone's faces. Grams and I looked at each other and smiled knowingly. If anyone had been born to be an empath, it was Phoebe.

"It's no bother at all, ma'am. It's a pleasure to meet you." James replied for everyone present.

"Well honey, it's Grandma Phoebe. Ma'am makes me seem old." Another dazzling smile.

"Yes because everyone knows that grandmothers are supposed to be young and spry." I rolled my eyes.

"Don't pay any attention to her, she's always been the crabby one in the family. Took over from Piper here a long time ago." Phoebe mock whispered.

"Okay." Grams interjected with a tone of finality. "We will be heading to the guest wing now." She stood up to hug me once again. "I'll see you for breakfast tomorrow, okay?" I nodded. "Goodnight baby. I love you."

I hugged her closer, "I love you too Grams.

Phoebe cupped my face with her hands and kissed me on the forehead. "You sleep well tonight, okay? We're safe now."

I gave her a look.

"I don't need to be an empath to know my granddaughter, love." She reminded me.

Dumbledore stood up with a swish of his cloak, "I'll escort you to the guest wing. The rest of you, goodnight. I will request the kitchens to serve breakfast till ten so that you may rest well and yet be well fed."

"Thank Merlin for the weekends." Frank sighed.

Phoebe leaned into me, "You were right. They do talk weird."

I walked back to the common room, red in the face all the way.

**When you are with me, I'm free  
I'm careless, I believe  
Above all the others we'll fly  
This brings tears to my eyes  
My sacrifice**


End file.
